Scion of the Alason (WIP) | [16K Words] | Updated 11/19]

Hosted Games Works In Progress
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It’s been a while since I’ve futzed around with Choicescript, but I’ve dove back into it and this is what has resulted of my endeavors, I hope y’all enjoy the world created here so far, and I hope you stick around to see what results of this viper’s den’s machinations, and don’t forget, you too can be a little bastard of a snake.

Scion of the Alason

You are a young noblemen, in a stagnating empire, either on the verge of resurgence, or it’s final demise. An Empire held together by fragile institutions, led by ego-driven men. And here you are, in the middle of it all. As this den of vipers strike, where will you fall? Will you make your family, your house, proud, or will you be their great shame. There are many questions that will be asked, some will be answered.

The only question remaining is, what will be your story?

Changelog

Demo Uploaded (11/19)

Roadmap

Finish up the Funeral Sequence and the rest of Chapter One (11/19)

Feedback Guidelines

Low Level Feedback:
If you find any scripting bugs, then please report them. If you think something might be a bug but aren’t sure, report it anyways. At this point, it’s probably safer to be sure. If you find any continuity errors (as in, the text saying something which is contradicted by any previous text), report that here as well. If text appears disjointed or otherwise doesn’t flow properly, that’s likely either a missing text bug, which should be reported here, or a writing issue, which should be reported here.

High Level Feedback:
If you have any commentary regarding the way the story is progressing, how the setting is presented, or any feedback regarding tone or pacing, I’d like to hear it. I’d also like to hear your thoughts regarding the characters, factions, and groups within the story. If you have any concerns about the clarity or presentation of certain decision points, I’d like to hear about that too. I’d also like to hear any suggestions regarding balance, or any subplots or specific options which you think might be missing (within reason).

Typos and the whatnot
When it comes to typos and things of that nature, I’m happy for them to be presented, so that I’m aware of them and can fix them, but please spoiler any feedback of that nature, that is all I desire. The rest of your feedback can be unspoilered, but Typos and the like should be, just as a means of not clogging up the thread.

Playtest Link: Scion of the Alason Demo

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I’ve found some things in the game confusing.

So, the country, the Velgan Empire, doesn’t actually have an Emperor or even a single head of the state, and is instead ruled by 3 squabbling governing bodies: the Senate, headed by a Lord Chancellor (seat currently vacant), the Grand Council of Dukes, where our MC uncle and then father seats, and Ministries. While MC ancestor was the Lord Paramount, who united different government bodies, MC father, the Duke isn’t one, but our MC is a Prince now? Usually a prince outranks a duke, but it’s seemingly different in your game’s world, so it’s a little confusing, as is the entire system of government. And who is Regent?

Our main character is shocked, shocked by his sudden position of power: “Some might call it the burden of power, but unlike others, it has been thrusted upon you, you never sought it out.” But he also succesfully participated in an election to become a Senator: “This had been nearly four years ago at this point, before you had been elected to your seat.” So did he run for political office without wanting to be in a position of power? And has somehow managed to work in the Senate for 3 years without meeting several important political figures until his uncle’s funeral?

MC is hears about Anastasia assigned to him and immediately guesses she is supposed to work as his bodygard, before he even sees her or her uniform. It is unusual for a woman to wear a military uniform in the game’s world, but female bodygards are apparently common?

There are not a lot of choices in the game, and existing ones often lack enough context for the player to decide anything:

  • Voting to oust the existing head of the Senate? MC does that without any input from the player, because his friend says so.
  • We can aquire high intellect by decicing we were very, very sickly boy. The skills are never used in the chapter.
  • “So, Anastasia, are you an imposition of my father?” MC can ask, right after said father assigns her to him. If we select such an obvious and impolite question in front of the imposing family patriarch, he suddenly and conviniently decides to step away, so MC and Anastasia can develop their relationship.
  • We could potentially voice support of either Lord Rabenstein or the ministers, but we know too little about them to decide, so my MC just listened to their history lessons and nodded.

Good luck with your game.

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This is all completely fair criticism, and I’ve written it down and will try to address it the best I can going forward.

Some points of note though, clarification really, which I’ll also make more clear in the text itself going forward.

The nation the MC lives and operates in, is Velgas. Now the distinction between Velgas and the Velgan Empire isn’t a large one. The difference is essentially the difference between a Roman Empire and a more modern nation of Rome. The latter being a nation centered around this imperial past and this roman/velgan idenity, but not being an empire in the same sense as the former. Now this distinction is unclear within the Text, and in fact, I refer to the nation (incorrectly) as the Velgan Empire (This is why one shouldn’t write at 3am, mistakes are made). In any case, this’ll be made clear and be addressed going forward.

As for government and how it works. It is a bit confusing and convoluted, and its meant to be, although I will do my best to make it more clear going forward (I’ve been using that phrase a lot, “going forward”). You are right in that there is no Emperor. The Imperial Dynasty is long dead, and there cannot be a new one on the basis that the Imperial Dynasty were revered as Religious figures. The First Emperor is considered the Son of God, and his descendants holy, divine and sacred in their own right. There’s an aversion to seating a new emperor because of this. There is however, a Head of State figure, the Regent, who is a character that’ll be introduced later on.

However, while the Regent is Head of State, they’re not head of government. And thats where the Ministries, the Grand Council and Senate come in. The question of who governs the nation is one that the nation has been wrestling with since the Imperial Dynasty died out. And even now, when the story is set, its not one well-answered. But nevertheless, its the one the MC will find himself having to navigate.

Everything else is something I’ll address in the text itself, I do greatly appreciate the feedback. Sometimes I find myself writing things, and I don’t necessarily think through the consequences of what I’ve written.

And thank you, I appreciate it

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Can mc become emperor?

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The MC cannot become Emperor, in so far as they gain the title of Emperor itself. Culturally, the MC nor the nation he would lead would accept this, its anathema to them, for reasons I’ve detailed below

That being said, It might be in the cards, if they’re played right, for the MC to rise to a position like one of his ancestors had, Lord Paramount. Which one could describe as akin to becoming Emperor. They have similar levels of powers, Lord Paramount however just wouldn’t have the religious authority that comes with being Emperor, its a position that would be utterly temporal in its power.

Of course, that all relies upon you being able to play your cards right, which who knows how difficult that’ll be.

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Promising, but I had to stop reading because of how rude Anastasia was. She has the nerve to tell you that your an idiot for making a decision without her, when she is basically a glorified security guard. I would love to tell her off.

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This WIP is quite intriguing.I am interested in the politics part of this WIP.

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The premise behind this WIP is definitely my cup of tea, as I love a good political drama. @Kotosinica already pointed a lot of the things I also found confusing, so I’ll comment more on pacing and presentation.

  • Although it’s important for the reader to understand how the government is structured, the first chapter is a bit heavy on the exposition dumping, and I still feel like I don’t entirely understand how the politics work. It’s definitely different from the usual European aristocracy, but it’s still quite a bit to digest and might turn some readers away. I feel like some of the information was presented a bit unnaturally. When Rabenstein starts talking about Sigsmund, it brought me out of the immersion.
  • The flashback scene also seemed out of place, especially when it’s the first place we get a choice and follows a lot of narrative.
  • Some parts of the first chapter reads more as a linear narrative than IF, which sorts of defeats the purpose of it being an IF. Most of the choices also revolve around finding out more information than the MC interacting with the world he lives in. I lacked a sense of having agency with many of the choices. I understand that more agency will be added when we definitely enter the political machinations, but right now, it feels like we’re being forced into situations.
  • Hugo running in to pay his condolences to the MC about his uncle’s death was a bit abrupt. Before the MC can respond to him, he’s already left the scene. Additionally, he’s supposed to be one of our closest friends, but we don’t have an option to vouch for him against Anastasia, who we just met.
  • In my opinion, Anastasia’s opinions are too on the nose. I can understand she’s a character that speaks her mind, but the MC isn’t given many other indicators that everybody’s a snake and the government’s a pit of vipers, which makes her delivery too sudden. We, as the readers, are supposed to trust the judgement of a woman who we just met and who most likely assumes we are not very bright, given her constant condescension.
Typos and the like

I won’t point out every instance of typos, but I observed two general grammatical trends in your writing that made it difficult to read.

  1. The punctuation of the dialogue. Admittedly, this is something I’m very personally picky about. For example, taken directly from the text we have: “Sir, a vote has been called in the Senate” He says, ever so meekly. It should be written as: “Sir, a vote has been called in the Senate,” he says, ever so meekly.
  2. Common splices. For example: “This is uncouth of me, this is a funeral, we’re here to remember your uncle, not talk politics, this whole event is in dedication to him” This made the dialogue quite difficult to understand, and the lack of punctuation can sometimes make what characters are saying fall flat. Notice how that reads differently from: “This is uncouth of me! This is a funeral, and we’re here to remember your uncle, not talk politics. This whole event is in dedication to him.”
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Well, I thank you for the feedback. And to everyone at large, I’m sorry if the coarseness of the writing caused the experience to suffer. Obviously its a work in progress and all, but at the end of the day these gamebooks are meant to entertain and engage, and if this failed to do so at any point, for that I apologize.

Admittedly, this is the first time I’ve seriously written IF in ages, and even then, most of my linear writing wasn’t long form like these gamebooks require. it was little short-stories and vignettes, which while I’m proud of them, this is certainly a departure from that. So if the dialogue, characterization, pacing is a little (or a lot) clunky, let me know as many of you have (and to those who have, thank you). This whole thing is an exercise of stepping out of my comfort zone, cause you’ll never learn a damn thing if you don’t

1 Like