Hey potential readers! I am a new author for fun who has been into these games for as long as I could remember and decided to take a shot at combining two of my passions: writing and video games. Rosegard is a dark fantasy story taking place in a fictional city in modern America. The goal is to make a grim story about vampires filled with action, romance, and tough choices. The MC is gender locked which will possibly turn away many potential readers but I plan to allow the players to customize the MC and make them yours.
Now onto the story
You were just a normal girl when one day you got turned into a vampire. Now you must traverse the world of humans and vampires to find your sire while keeping your true nature hidden from your friends, family, and a secret organization.
The demo below is just a very short prologue meant to obtain reader feedback, criticism, and tips so I can improve my writing before continuing. I hope you enjoy what I have so far and tell me what you think!
To play the demo, go here: https://dashingdon.com/go/5231
This looks super interesting! I’m always a sucker for vampire MCs, lol. I also think it’s really interesting that we have wings. Majority of the time in media, vampires usually have wings in like… bat or some kind of humanoid form.
Can’t wait to see more!
Personally I only ever play female characters, but this is a horrible justification for a gender lock.
Well, it has potential but it is way too short to really give any feedback.
I’m only playing female but that justification rub me the wrong way too. You don’t get to choose your name, eye/skin color either.
I agree with @Alufim and @Ariane.L. This is not a good justificative. The whole point about interactive fiction is to have choices.
I won’t pass judgment on the demo since it’s too short yet.
Dude I get why you genderlocked I do and you have a point but here’s the thing… This is a game, it’s not real life and particularly with games like anything on this site one big draw is the fact that the player gets to choose everything from gender to looks to personality and background, now I’m not saying to change the gender lock if you don’t want to then you do you I’m just saying to think about it. Ok now that is out of the way it’s well written can’t get a full idea yet but I want to See where it goes.
Well, IRL we aren’t vampires too, soo…
I apologize for the shortness of the demo. I realize that it is shorter than the rest of the wips on here which gave me some anxiety tbh but I was so excited to get this started and collect feedback that I gave in. Thank you for the comment, I’ll try to update with more meaningful content!
You are right along with the rest of the readers saying the same thing. It is not a good justification and should be removed and corrected. I still wanna keep the gender lock but I’ll keep it because I want to and not because of a horrible justification. Thank you for the feedback and I like playing female characters too!
I absolutely love the concept! Grim, modern vampires? Heck yes.
And I just want to throw in my support for you here! Gender-locking can definitely be a polarizing choice, but there are so few female-locked/female-centric games in general that I think makes it a valuable one.
Is as valid a reason as any.
Good luck with this! I know it can be nerve-wracking when you first post something for others, but you should be proud of the work you have so far. (And for having the courage to post it.) That’s seriously awesome.
Thanks for the support! I honestly was trying to avoid the supernatural vampire genre as I see it is a favorite, but I hope to give a different take on it if possible. I love the differing views as I feel it would make me a better writer and give me motivation to finish this. All feedback are welcome. I maybe should of gave some warnings about the blood and grimness lol. I want to destroy the MC and the player with them
I’m guessing this Bily person isn’t going to be the main character. Correct me if I’m wrong but I’m sure Bily is a guys name. I’m guessing our character hasn’t been introduced yet, or am I mistaken?
Billy can also be a female name although I guess it’s not as commonly used for girls 🤷
Thought the same thing. I was super confused because of this lol but, who knows? Maybe we’re both wrong.
Demo is too short to give feedback but seems interesting, good job @Jahad I will be waiting the next update ~
I’ll echo others, good so far but need more.
Billy is the mc, the name is a guys name but the feminine form of it is Billie which I forgot to change it to. Thanks for the reminder.
It looks really interesting and I am a fan of this type of setting so yeah, I’m going to keep and eye on your progress, well done.
If you want my opinion I don’t think you should dwell too much on the gender lock issue now. I mean, it will turn people away and many are going to get mad about the “lack of decisions”, and I’m not saying that they are wrong, but this is your story and it may be a good idea to just keep writing it and we’ll see what happens in the future. It may be a good idea to change it if you feel like it, but you shouldn’t do it just because of the pressure, and you can’t let this become such a big problem that it ends up causing you anxiety or frustration or something like that.
Oh, and before I forget, you said you want to “destroy the MC and the player with her” and all I can say is: yes, yes please, break my like I’m just an ugly garden gnome.
About to read the demo… but I thought I’d weigh in on the “gender-locked” female thing. There are a ton of male-locked WIP’S right now. Most of them romance. I don’t know why people would be upset about this being female MC only… Sure, it sucks when a game doesn’t cater to the gender you are (or that you like to play as), but even if you look at the video game industry as a whole, male protagonists have always been the norm. If you don’t like it, don’t play it and move on.
Side note… If you’d like to check out a whole bunch of people (mostly guys…) complaining about an f/f game, check out the thread for Moonrise… It’s really sad, and I feel for the author. Imagine putting all the effort into a story that has representation for people who aren’t represented very often (i.e transfeminine/LGBT) and basically being told your story isnt good enough because it doesnt cater to men???
Food for thought I suppose…
I think we need more of gender-locked female, just to be fair keep going, it’s your choice after all
I think this has a lot of potential and am excited to see more from you. I’ve found some errors and have a bit of criticism:
“wouldnt have no chance in the world to escape…” sounds a little wonky, I would say “would have no chance” and possibly exclude “the world” part or just find a different way to phrase it (eg. it would be impossible for a human like her to escape). you also say both “like you” and “like her” in the same sentence which I would try to avoid, but i think it could work? idk, might just be my personal thing
whole also sounds a little wonky, maybe say “her entire face” or “her face in its entirety”
you’re just missing “the” before strange
you say mangled arm and mangled form so I would try to find a different adjective just so that you dont reuse the same one
Just need to capitalize the G in glad
Since this is just a small part, there isnt much substantial criticism that I can give. The only thing that came to mind is to make sure that you’re including enough choice (not talking about gender choice). I think that since this is the prologue and you’re developing the scene, a lot of choice isn’t required but since the MC is making some substantial choices that define character (eg. crying, fight or flight, the "I guess what they say about vampires is true"part), some choice would be good. If you just want the prologue to set up the past, limited choice is fine because people change as time passes, allowing for people to still choose how their characters act in such scenarios; However, I would just make it clear that the prologue is set in the past.
I also want to add my five cents on the gender topic, I wouldnt worry too much about gender locking it. Theres a lot of male gender locked stories so go ham. This story has a lot of potential but the summary seems a bit vague so I’m interested on how you plan to go about the story. Still, Im very excited to see how your story comes to life. You have a new fan, congrats
Edit: Also, another thing to possibly add is the ability to choose your MCs name. I think such an ability adds a lot to character customization but I think it’s fine if you choose not to