Thank you for this. I know a lot of people really seem to like it, but I find the “OP PC” that’s so in demand lately to just be deathly boring.
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They can be OP in terms of power, but still have a lot of flaws for character development later down in the story. Or, if you watch/read anime/manga, you could have someone like Satoru Gojo who is considered OP born a genius who makes everything he does, seem as easy as breathing, but later down the line, the reader is made to understand the hard work he put to master his talents and power. Talent without hard work yields nothing.
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I did watch/read manga, and that’s where the fatigue began to set in.
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For the record, I do believe that OP characters can be done well, but you kinda need to balance the story around it. This story, the way I originally envisioned, was about surviving, figuring things out, growing stronger, then reaching your goals, not necessary through force. The way I see it, foiling a clever plot or preventing a war through diplomacy is no less awesome than kicking a hole through a mountain.
At the end of the day, it’s an IF. I’ll be trying to provide different options, including the martially-inclined ones. And as I said, I like writing the MC as competent, but having them breeze through everything too easily would kinda destroy the atmosphere I’m going for. At the same time, I’m not writing them as someone who does nothing but fail. Which is why I said I hope I’ll be able to strike that balance where they feel neither weak nor too OP. (at least for this stage of the story)
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Nothing a bunch of glitter and sparkles can’t make better 
And, uh… chapter headers.
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Something tells me that I’ll be picking that last option a lot XD
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this seems interesting and has potential, i wonder what happened during the blank time?
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Thank you, I’m happy you think so 
By ‘blank time’, do you mean the time skip? The reason we’re getting those is because I wanted to focus on the episodes needed to set stuff up only. But, sure, I can edit a bit more info about what happened there in (to the MC, that is, nothing spoilery) 
Apologies if I misunderstood and you meant something else lol
@Dreamer44 feel free to pick it, you might miss on some things but learn something different in return…
Edit 09/08/24: I was asked to bring the game back to dashingdon. As I lost access to my old account, I created a new one… Here’s the link, hope it works.
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- author taking a break
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We believe in you and will be here when you are ready.
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No worries, focus on yourself first. The fans will wait as long as we have to.
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Another year’s here, and I’d kinda like to bring this back. I had a scene-by-scene plan for the next part written out, so. I’ll see if I can get back into it.
Happy belated new year, btw. May it be better than the last.
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Good luck!
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What a banger, it’s been a while since anything sucked me in this hard.
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Thank you very much lol, I’ll need it 
Thank you, I’m glad you enjoyed it.
As a side-note, I’m recreating the Tumblr blog I’ve deleted here.
Well, back to trying to remember how this all works with me now.
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13/01/25
I’m trying to get into regular writing reports, here.
Anyway, I have around 6k words written so far, which are the first few scenes of the second chapter on the “normal” path + a couple passages of the “resist” path. But that’s w/o any choices, so the edited thing is gonna grow in wordcount.
So, preview time!
We have MC with character development (?)
You supposed that, not being able to just let you go but having little reason to actually arrest you, the Temple had decided to make use of you. It made sense; the Sun clan did the same. Your blood, no matter what side it came from, made you useful, and being useful had kept you safe from worse fates. You were either useful to the ones in power, or… you were the one in power.
The realisation was rather simple, yet nevertheless it hit you like a strike of lightning. So, on your second audience with the high priestess, you agreed immediately to her proposal of working for the Temple. You needed the freedom, as much as you could get for that moment; and you needed power.
Neith is back, also with character development (??)
“Princess,” you greeted as you approached her. She went with her title for the introduction, so at least for now it made sense to play along.
“Name,” she responded. A neutral, empty greeting exchanged for another just as empty one, but her eyes on you were intense–keen. “And so we work together again. Fate sure has a sense of irony, doesn’t it?”
“With all due respect, I do not think it was just irony that brought us together.”
“Really? I think it rather fitting.” She shrugged. “But, yes, I get what you’re asking. What in the ashen wastelands am I doing here, right?”
And on the other path, the MC’s not doing so well… (???)
That was the question, wasn’t it? One that kept popping up in your head more and more often lately, more impatient each time. No, the confinement really did nothing good for your mind, not when your inner voice had seemed to have grown a mind of its own. And it wasn’t very happy with you. Which was fair. You weren’t very happy, either.
…
Staying alone for so long must’ve made you sensitive to the behaviour of others, as their emotions became much easier for you to read. You could immediately tell if the acolyte who brought you food was bored or annoyed, or if the guards you passed by were watching you or merely pretending they did. Probably the consequence of having to watch out for yourself, never feeling truly safe.
What was the matter with the mark, however, you couldn’t say, though for whatever reason you found yourself reluctant to reveal it to the priests. They’d have probably declared it a sign that you were cursed or whatever.
Your lips pulled up into a mirthless smile.
Edit 16/01/25
So since dashingdon is going down at the end of the month, I’m taking the link to the dash demo down. I know many preferred it as the hosting site, but it is what it is. Big thank you to Don for maintaining the site as long as he did.
The demo will now solely be hosted on cogdemos.ink. (idk about posting it to itch.io or wherever yet)
And, well, since I’m doing this edit, have another small preview.
A wild new character appears
“Let me start off by saying that I don’t know anything, either,” she stated, her attention still on the horse, which was happily pushing its head further into her palm. Right. She would’ve overheard your conversation with the priest…
“Alright. Let’s talk about something else, then.” Perhaps you could glean something from the conversation either way?
“If you wish.” She paused. “Nice weather we’re having today, don’t you think? Very… dusty.” You caught just the slightest hint of distaste in her last words.
Your gaze swept over the sunbaked wasteland around you, ending down on your own boots - indeed grey from the dust.
“I don’t like dust.” You frowned. “It sure gets everywhere.”
“Indeed.” The acolyte sighed. She finally raised her head to look at you; a calm, steady look. “Now what was it that you wanted to ask, if not about the mission?”
Edit 17/01/25
Another 6k words done (w/o coding/choices). It’s going decently for now, which kinda worries me…
More previews under the cut
Going places
The farther away from the city and the closer to the border, the more the sights changed.
Gone was the ever-present greenery, now only contained to the lone fields and walled estates on the banks of canals and rivers. The ground under your horses’ hooves turned dry and sandy, their steps raising clouds of dust into the air. The dust was soon everywhere - on your clothes, hair, and skin. You were breathing it in with the air and taking it in with your food.
On the last stop before you would’ve reached your destination you bent down on the bank of a river branch, washing the ever-present grey hue off your skin. The same dark, dusty, rocky ground stretched in all directions, black silhouettes of what should’ve been the guardian towers outlined against the horizon to the north.
Local legends
#Stubbornly continue to listen.
“…and he ordered that her body be ripped apart by the horses,” the priest finished. "Her blood spilled over the once-fertile fields, and nothing grew there anymore, so the place became known by it’s current name: “the fortress of dead flowers.” He looked up at you, smiling. “Did you like the story?”
“Is this really a history scroll?” You squinted at it, but couldn’t make anything out. Was he pulling your leg?
“Believe it or not, it is. Why, can’t I not have my hobbies? Do you think I spend the entire time praying?” No, in fact, you didn’t think you saw him praying once. “Do you know how rich is the history of–”
“I get it, I get it, backing off.” You stepped back, raising your hands up into the air. Ash, you could take a hint.
Edit 19/01/25
I managed to wrestle the ChoiceScript tools into submission (I think), so the game is now available at itch.io for those that prefer it as an option. Save plugin included!
19 Likes
By all what is amazing, your story is awesome and a delight to read 
I’m not finished to read the whole wip, still I wanted to give you a comment, so you don’t think you write this Masterpiece for yourself. I love both of our teachers and Ember seems like a good young boy/man. I hope we can meet him again in the future. Can we find our parents in the future as well? Do we meet the princess again? Once again I love the story so much.
I’m looking forward to more 
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Thank you for your kind words. I’m glad you’re enjoying the story.
All these characters will return, one way or another 
In fact, Neith is there from the start of ch2, and Ember should return in the second half of it.
Tbf not much she could’ve done in that sitiation 
I’m looking forward to writing them 
A good question to ask of MC’s parents, isn’t it.
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Now I finished the Wip and gaaah, it was amazing 
This high priest is something else 
and Neith, don’t let us go with them, I thought we were friends 
Ugh, I’m looking so much forward to read more about MC and Ember…I hope we can get through all of the sh*t we need to go lol 
(and are we really demonic? )
2 Likes
Alright, let’s take a look.
I played through to the end. Here are a couple of thoughts I had as I was playing:
A couple of thoughts
you now have to serve the Sun clan.
No one tells me what to do!
So then I had to pick “angry” for the first choice since I was already getting angry.
To start off, I really like the world so far, even with just a little detail.
Scrolls unlocked: Sun Clan & Ash Clan
Ooh, I like unlocking things.
So this lets me know when the codex expands. That’s pretty neat. I won’t look too closely at it right now, though, in case the greyed-out stuff could spoil something.
His hand was warm, and you weren’t sure why the sensation felt so wondrous, but it did.
Interesting.
Reeds gave way to colorful flowers
It’s Flower Tribe! They’ll make you cut your own throat! Run for it!!
another white spirit
Alright, this is the second time a spirit has been white. The first time, I had to wrench my line of thinking away from a spirit who enjoys golf and mayonnaise, so now I really need to know what this means.
as much privacy as it was possible to get in a place where someone’s eyes were always watching.
Oof. What an awful feeling.
there was no real tension to his posture and no signs of distress, even while the Lady’s gaze drilled into him with an intensity you’d never seen from her before. It was enough for shivers to break out over your skin.
This is a pretty severe reaction to someone acting calm. Are most people in Dawn’s life stressed out all the time? I’d believe it.
Even just glimpsing a dragonfly meant good luck,
Wait a minute. Don’t these breathe fire sometimes?
Oh, right. Fire resistance. Carry on.
If dragonflies were really to bring luck, you were about to become the luckiest person in the entire world.
Or maybe the hottest.
As Ember escorts me out of Exploding Death Swamp, I wonder. Did he blow up all the dragonflies? It happened so quickly, I wasn’t sure. And now he’s talking like he knows all about them, despite being my age (a baby).
Never mind. The important thing is that I want a pet dragonfly.
That damn brat.
You’re on the shit list now, Lady. Lucky for you my character isn’t supposed to be hearing this, and I’m a devoted role-player.
“You sound like one of them Order monks.”
I don’t know if this is a typo or if she’s suddenly gone country because no one’s listening, but I really hope it’s the latter because that’s funny.
“DAWN! YOU COME OVER HERE THIS INSTANT!”
I realized (quickly enough) that this is because I’d chosen the common name option, but I still feel there should be a moment of realization for MC that the old man isn’t after them.
was best known for one thing…
I clicked the button expecting to see what that thing was on the next page.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw the word “paranoia” slide off my screen. It had been on the button, and I’d almost missed it.
Maybe it was just me, but you might consider keeping vital text off of the button, unless you’re sure the reader’s attention is focused there. Until now, to me it’s just been a “next page” button in this story.
“As the Princess wishes,” the first guard said, still down on one knee. “Let us proceed, then. The Lord and the Lady are both… waiting.”
More like preparing a coup, it sounded like.
Wait. I don’t understand this part.
The Lord and the Lady are the main rulers, right? Why would they be preparing a coup against themselves? Surely they’re just looking for their missing child?
You were twelve when Lord Nebra was assassinated.
Heh heh. Rip bozo.
He had finally gotten taller in the last two years, though not much wider;
Were you expecting him to get fat? I guess that would be normal for royals, at least.
Well, I went to see what was going on just for fun, but I don’t care about that dead guy so whatever.
No matter what the Lord’s wife tries to do, they have no evidence against you–"
Oh fuck. You got me.
She should’ve been happy,
Why? Even if it’s good that she stopped a suicide attempt (was it?) being happy about that is too far. Relief is about as far as you can get. It’s too horrifying to go all the way to happy.
Please, die…
I had my eye on the button this time. I think the short lines beforehand and the indented text on the button made it harder to miss.
You had grown, but your opinion of the Sun clan didn’t change.
Over the years, you grew to despise the Sun clan.
These are basically the same for me, right?
Your horses’ usually bright green scales
Whoa! That’s great!
“I’ve heard all these things about how people in the Wastes and the mountains hate our guts. So why go to us for help?”
Hold on, now. They’re letting the heir to the throne go someplace like that? With only a half-trained half-blood for protection? Wow, that must have been some fight they had.
You wouldn’t have been surprised if one of your mentors, or an older agent, was following you at a distance. You expected it, even,
Exactly!
“These people are supposed to be very… peculiar about observing the rules of courtesy, right?”
What, unlike you “ten hours bodyguard assignment ceremony” crowd?
What could’ve gotten them so spooked?
They hate you?
Was the village going through some kind of hardship?
Not sure MC would come to this conclusion, not if they’ve been living the royal life for ten years.
Half a dozen pairs of eyes were staring at you with their rectangular pupils,
Now this is an interesting feature! Do the villagers have unique eyes because of some magic, or
leaving you in the silent company of the… sheep.
…uh, wait. Never mind.
As the two get led upstairs, I think back to the demons they were told to find. What are demons exactly? Was MC supposed to be ready to fight them if discovered? A surprise for later, maybe?
Always prim and proper, but much warmer than she was when you met her for the first time.
Still on the shit list, sorry.
You dream of red skies, blood and bone, and embers scattering like flower petals.
Any time this dream happens I imagine my character shattering his enemies, jubilant, even if it means his own death. Hopefully it’s not supposed to be a horrific scene because that is not how I am taking it. Though it’s possible I’m just a psychopath.
the Crying Goddess - a powerful white spirit -
crying because she needs to speak with the manager
And I don’t understand why they don’t just… ask for help?
They hate you? Am I misunderstanding something?
You tried to gesture at the boulders with your eyes, but she just frowned, so you leaned in. F o l l o w e d, you gesticulated with your mouth.
A good text effect but it doesn’t quite work. On CoGDemos the word Followed comes at the edge of the page, so it looks like
F o l l o w e
d
And it was kind of shit
No! This is great! It’s a huge breakthrough!
Worst case, this is some kind of ambush, but that does count as learning a lot about the situation.
A river of red.
Ha ha ha! Rip and tear!!
You blinked and it was gone, the stream back to normal.
Another time, then.
Alright, this keeps happening. Maybe something is actually wrong. Even so, I’m still riding the bloodlust, so I pick Sun magic in case it will let me throw a fireball.
Energy pulsed in your palm as you willed it to take the shape of a sword,
Whoa! This is pretty serious magic to learn about now!
I don’t really mind, but it is a little disorienting. I kind of want to be able to choose its color.
Your legs specifically felt as if on fire,
This probably isn’t meant to be a pun but I smirked anyway.
It was quite an… unorthodox usage of the Sun arts, what you were about to attempt.
Wait, isn’t that what I was just doing with the magic sword?
You know, escaping feels like a real bad idea. They can barely navigate the mountains without a guide, and freeing their horses would cause a huge stir.
“Maybe it is edible, or a medical plant, or-- Ouch! It cut my palm!”
Oh crap, I almost forgot about them! Flower Tribe! Run for it!!
We find the corpse, and Neith starts to panic at seeing, I suppose, the neck-hole she made.
I don’t have the option to say my actual thoughts - “damn, nice shot” - but it probably would not have been helpful to say.
And more blood beneath your feet, leading to a sideroom.
This really is turning into a horror game! I like this atmosphere.
And unless the villagers invited someone of the Crystal clans - a thought almost funny in its ridiculousness - an illusion was out of question.
Haha. That’s gonna be trouble later.
You breathed in, then out, focusing the energy in your body.
Clever uses of magic have been pretty good so far.
it was a rather… unorthodox way of using Sun clan techniques.
Sun clan sucks! Get creative, you dopes!
Changing your opinion of her to negative from seeing her do the cool air bubble trick doesn’t seem to make sense here. Especially not this option:
Your opinion of her became more neutral.
“I liked you at first but now I don’t because I’m jealous of your cool bubble hat”
It was insanity.
You cannot win if you don’t kill.
It feels like the italicized line is my own blood-crazed thought reaching Dawn.
“Come on!” She repeated, turning to you, voice desperate. Panting, eyes glowing feverishly. “We have to finish this!”
My only options are variations on “no don’t do it” even though I am in total agreement. It’s a good thing that’s not an actual option, because I would have picked it and probably gotten a bad ending.
The thoughts, coming to you in your own voice, didn’t sound like your own.
…Or maybe the lack of choice was intentional!
As we trek back to confront the elder, I realize there were no agents following us at a distance after all.
If they ever learn we were here and did nothing, the entire clan will get accused.
Trouble for the racist, kidnapping, Sun clan? Oh dear, what a shame.
Perhaps one day, she’d have made a fine leader.
Why is this in past tense? You’re making me nervous.
Wow, I love the priest’s attitude. This is a nice alternative to the formal language a religious official would normally use.
Hmm. You. The other one.
Does he not know who she is? Or is he just that cocksure?
Since I didn’t catch you cutting people up while cackling like a maniac,
Haha. Nope, I didn’t do any of that. I’m a pacifist, you know. Hate violence.
“I would be careful with bringing your clan into this, young lady,”
Oh shit, he knows. This guy is 500% evil but his style is undeniable.
And a few possible typos I saw:
Typos
the moment you disappeared from the view
“disappeared from view”
You frowned into the floor, wondering just for how long was he going to keep you down ther
MC gets distracted mid-thought
then your gaze caught on the auburn hair of your visitor.
Ember?..
Weird punctuation at the end
it was bare safe for a couple of wooden chests by a wall,
“save for”
The village lied in front of you
“lay”
It was so obviuosly suspicious, but suspicious still,
“obviously”
The woman lied in front of you,
“lay”. This one’s important, otherwise it sounds like she’s only pretending to be cremated internally.
The world is great! All the gold jewelry makes me think of a Mesoamerican culture.The magic applications are good, as well.
Demonology is a bit unclear so far, but that’s okay. I guess the MC needs to learn more about it, too.
It’s a bit odd to cut from training, to major assignment, to leaving the Sun clan. Were there other assignments before this? How’d they go? There was a big time jump in there.
I like the character interactions and team-building. I was sorry to leave Neith. Ember too, though less so because he was extremely sus.
There’s a whole lot to like here. I hope your writing goes well!
2 Likes