“Well, if you two are quite done with your babbling!” she interjects, catching back our attention.
Man, authentically bad customer service, being an orphan is rough…
In all seriousness, however, I loved this. It’s one of my favorite ongoing WIPs at the moment, and what I want most is more. Mainly more of the initial segments of being orphaned but more nonetheless. Reminds me of @Bacondoneright and @hustlertwo not exactly mind you but it’s still something great. I read through a couple of times and wrote down my thoughts.
“For an amount of Valore, they are using numbers to tell you how much something is worth.”
Well it’s no wonder there are so many orphans running around if you have to name your money after a city in Albania… For real though I do like the coin’s names, but I find it hard to believe that the MC doesn’t know what money is, they’ve never found a coin on the ground? or pickpocketed it? Or even seen a sign listing costs? I’ve been involved with stories like this before in real life (RIP Gorilla Girl.) and while the grimdark future of 2019 is different than this pseudo-Victorian world I still find it hard to believe anyone over the age of 4 has never picked up a coin before, even if they’re not financial wizards.
“You have a slight Romandi accent but I think that’s because you were in Lontapiso, which is a predominantly Romandian village. I know for a fact that you were not born in that awful place.” She muses.
I like the detail about how she goes on this egalitarian spiel before saying. Romandia? Screw that place! It’s a welcome (and realistic) change of pace compared to standard egalitarian characters.
chì, chì mi na mòr-bheanna O chì, chì mi na còrr-bheanna O chì, chì mi na coireachan Chì mi na sgoran fo cheò
It sounds so beautiful, though I can’t understand what’s being said.
Chì mi gun dàil an t-àite san d’rugadh mi Cuirear orm fàilte sa chànain a thuigeas mi Gheibh mi ann aoidh agus gràdh nuair a ruigeam Nach reicinn air tunnachan òir
Her voice is soft and the sound is so somber yet melodic.
Chì mi na coilltean, chì mi na doireachan Chì mi ann màghan bàna is toraiche Chì mi na féidh air làr nan coireachan Falaicht’ an trusgan de cheò
I feel my eyelids growing heavier with each passing moment.
Beanntaichean àrda is àillidh leacainnean Sluagh ann an còmhnuidh is còire cleachdainnean ‘S aotrom mo cheum a’ leum g’am faicinn Is fanaidh mi tacan le deòin
I rest my head and close my eyes.
“Goodnight mommy… I love you.”
I like how even though you can tell these words probably mean something. It definitely feels like looking at my High school Latin homework.
This is also the first time in my entire life that I can ever remember wearing complete and comfortable shoes.
Feet prisons! How terrible! Free my man he didn’t do nothin!
Though I gotta say that I am quite surprised it smells so nice, apparently Miss June says it’s because of a thing called ‘soaps’—they’re what she used to wash me back at the inn—and she says the scent of flowers in there makes it pleasant.
I understand the MC probably didn’t use soap, but people have been using soap since The Indus Vallley Civiliazation. Granted this wasn’t your Dove brand body wash but still…
“Let’s think of it this way, do you like flowers?”
They are not the best snack
This is the greatest choice in any HG title I’ve ever seen…
But in all seriousness, I do like how you can completely upend her big huge speech. Most IF’s wouldn’t do that, that kind of freedom is amazing.
well, I’ll give it a sniff and we will see if it’s still good.
…Yay?
Man the struggle truly is real. I love it!
There will not ever be a day where I stop missing you all, but you are gone. And it is not good for me to dwell.
I’m not chopping onions! You Are! In this economy I don’t even have any Centta to pay for them!
A phobia of being touched
Again that’s not a place many are willing to go, I respect you for being daring enough to do so.
The dumb horse shakes it’s fat head as it pulls the cart along, Miss June coos over it and I’m left with a sour taste in my mouth and probably with a look on my face. “Why do you even like the dumb beast so much? It stinks.”
What kinda bastard chooses to mean to an animal! They deserve it! But not nearly as much as the maniacs who choose the mean options in Hosted Games…
“Yes, well. I didn’t quite expect you to respond to it, a lady’s age tends to be a sensitive topic little one.” she explains.
“…So are you going to answer?-”
“No.”
While the drama is the best part of this the small bits of humanizing comedy are still very much appreciated.
Other things
-I like the trait system how it’s explained outside the story, but it’s not conveyed very clearly what is easier or harder, and June’s opinion of you doesn’t seem to change based on anything other than decisions made in the moment. I know it’s early in the story but that’s something that should be established early on. Perhaps with my next point.
-This story is not too dark. I like the sardonic darkness and would like more of it please. The very beginning where you were homeless was my favorite part (though the fact it was contrasted made the other parts also good.) I could read an entire IF piece just about being a street rat. I understand this isn’t exactly that but I would like a bit more time, and to make a few more decisions there. Like “How do you find food?” Hunting rats? Picking pockets? Asking nicely? That sort of thing.
When you asked about the tour segment, I liked it but I can see how repeat readings can make it get a bit old, so for the survey answer I put “Maybe have all the rooms be options, and clicking them would be how you got their respective text that way you could skip only the parts you wanted to.”
Something else from the survey worth repeating is about the tone.
I love the dark tone that’s not as common as normal escapism, but not your normal kind of grim dork where the Corpse Emporer is oppressing innocent Chaos Cultists who didn’t do anything wrong. Please bring on the darkness, and don’t apologize for it. I understand why it might make you nervous but this makes it stand out more. Though I’m not asking for the nice parts to be removed, as they provide good juxtaposition and character moments. Along with being well… nice.
