bugs/thoughts
She said kindly. "I am someone your father trusted to watch over â (Probably should be MC pronouns here? Unless MC and Hayeâs are actually half-sibs)
She was having a nightmare and I couldnât reach her. Thank you for helping him." and I couldn't reach ${pc_him}. Thank you for helping ${hhim}. (used hayeâs pronouns here instead of MCâs)
$!{pc_she} met that tired and scared gaze and felt nothing but the need to protect ${pc_him}. (I think it should be Hayeâs pronouns where I bolded instead of MCâs this time)
or those flawless ${skintone} skin (âthatâ works better in this context rather than âthoseâ. or probably the ${pc_his} would be best)
his eyes had slits like those of a goat. (wait, is Bertrandâs pupils horizontally slit/rectangular? is he a vampire and is this common for vamps? or is it unique? or is he not a vampire but something else?)
At least you werenât alone because $!{Bhis} (the pronoun here doesnât need to be capitalized (!))
The cut on ${bhis} clothes was just a small bruise (I think MCâs pronouns should be here and clothes should be stomach or abdomen, because I think thatâs what Blaine is cleaning rn?)
His hair fell to the side, resting against his shoulder. (I donât think Marcus has long hair? may want to have an *if for Melissa and else thatâs specific to Marcus or nothing.)
- A flutter in my heart but⊠Iâm sure that itâs nothing.âS/ââ„/âP (I think this is meant to decrease pervert)
The woman had long hair, full lips, and fair skin that was like a lovely shade of quartz (I thought Vivian had short hair?)
Later in the game
The woman stood at 5â5 and carried herself with confidence. Her hair was cut in a stylish bob (also, mourning the loss of 5â8" Viv RIP)
âMuch more powerful,â Vigil said with a hint of reverence. She might even surpass me." (missing a " in front of the PCâs pronouns to indicate speech)
You donât have to fill anyoneâs shows. âF (shoes?)
You, Marcus, Marcus, the twins and Micheal. Hell, youâll even bring Vigil in as a referee. (kill your double lol Iâm guessing one of the Blaines are supposed to be a Hayes)
Of course! Black goes with everything and isnât just for Vampires!
*set BodyArmor âEnchanted Camouflage Brown vest.â
Iâm now imagining Selene from Underworld in camo lol
The Bowie Knife came with a sheath which you strapped to your waist. âAnything else?â Fin said.
The warmth of the sunlight brushed against your body and, even if it made you feel weaker, it felt soothing somehow.
(The jump from the first sentence to the next sentence feels incomplete for the scene change.)
Marcus and I must be and Marcus must be different than other Vampires because most canât stay long under the sun. (think that was left there by accident?)
on your head.
shoulder1
*goto shoulder1
(extra shoulder1 that ends up being text. also, forgot to put head at the front, as well)
The current playthrough, my MC is dating Blaine, but the romantic relationship is at 59, so I got the
Marcus distanced himself from you, which made you sigh. âIs there something that youâd like to talk about Marcus?â You asked, but instead of answering, he just looked outside.
Hopefully, he wonât cause too many problems during the mission.
I think it having the *if rel_B > 60 with an or ro_b=true or fren_b > 60 (I am not actually sure how to code lol) but the sentence feels off when MC is either dating Blaine or good friends with them.
Nothing happens after choosing the option for Blaine to grab Valentineâs shirt? It just jumps to âVivian led all three of you into the Church that smelled of faint incense.ââ
Carrying me was a test to see if youâd listen to orders, especially under orders. (pressure?)
So, Iâd sayâŠ" $!{Jhe} looked away from you, rubbing his lips. (missed jâs pronoun code here)
Especially after the test you just went through, ${pc_name}." (The fake name didnât show up here)
Vigil was Blond. Marcus, chestnut. Vigil had ocean-blue eyes, while Marcus had chestnut-brown eyes (I thought Blaineâs eyes were hazel?)
It wouldâve felt better if ${hhe} had threatened ${hhim}. (one of these are supposed to be jâs pronouns? I think the second?)
away by asking about⊠[i]"${Pc_him}."[/i]. (are the quotations supposed to be around the pronoun?)
${vNAMe} grumbled, muttering something no man of Solathis (probably have $(vgender) here?)
${vNAME} interrupted. âLast time I met ${vHim}, he had control of the wind.â (I donât think Valentineâs pronoun is needed there, theyâre talking about Ahrem)
He walked towards ${vname}, fingers pointed towards him. âGet out of my damn house-â (missed inputting vâs pronoun)
Vivian sighed and rose to her feet. âYouâre lucky these two are here, Klein.â She muttered softly. (but I chose the âlet valentine do itâ option?)
Visit the infirmary, where John hardly ever showed up, (missed $(jname) here)
him and since he was taller than John and Vigil, (missed $(jname) here)
You glanced at her wrist and swallowed thickly. You glanced at her wrist and swallowed thickly. (doubled sentence)
Any more and you wouldnât stop until you had sucked him dry. (missed jâs pronouns here)
Even if he were, you would be under supervision (missed Valentineâs pronouns here)
laying next to you, head resting on your stomach (i think âheadâ is supposed to be âhandâ?)
time line related
There a short scene that jumps â5 years laterâ at the end of chapter one when the MC is 9, bringing them to 14 (the one that shows MC broken and Hayeâs begging them not to blame themself). And then at the top of chapter 2, it says â9 years laterâŠâ. I understand itâs 9 years after the MC is 9 because I know the MC is 18 in this chapter, but it would be confusing without that knowledge. e.g. thinking that the MC goes from 9, 14, then 23. Unless the MC is supposed to be 23? And the stats page is wrong?
Nine years had passed since your childhood friend, and arguably your only friend, vanished. Nine long years where you bottled up your feelings, believing you were to blame.
Nine Years after the scene where the MC is 14, would bring them to 23. Or is it supposed to be four years later?
And the only way to salvation was to open up, little by little, to someone youâve been partnered up with for the past eight years.
This whole section (beginning of chapter 2) may need to edited? Going with the MC being 18 and it being 4 years after the loss of Hayes, and if there was a years gap between partners, would be three years with Blaine?
But after seven years of working side by side, you finally came out of your shell.
You sucked in a deep breath and let it out slowly. âThat was nine years ago,â you whispered with a heavy heart.
It has been nine years since youâve seen
It has been ten years since Nathan, Alfie, and Conner were taken and we still havenât recovered from it (has it been ten?)
âWeâve doing this for the last 8 years. This is our life.â
You thought about 6 years ago when you first met Marcus
HOWEVER I did try my best and was able to rewrite almost 13K words! Unfortunately itâs not only the rewrite that I have to write but also the skipped parts, and part where 
) John/Elizabethâs issues have also been fixed!
Unfortunately I canât pay for patreon but Iâll wait patiently. I already miss my cutie M. 
(Fixed it, sorry 
also to give them a little warning of why some people look a little (or a lot) different than expected
)
IMPASSIBAL 
yay! I love the new choices
