Lex Talionis: Exordium (Feedback) 2.0

Question of curiosity is our translocation (or w/e it is ) ability is it just really fast movement or teleportation

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Really fast movement. If you want a better understanding check out Angel from King of Fighters.

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Ok so like dbz and naruto type speed vs the like instant transmission

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Pretty much.

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Established powers:

Electrokinesis

Super strength

Super speed

Future powers:

TBD

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This is just headcanon question for everyone but how would everyone’s pc react to meeting someone like All Might/Superman who im assuming are the inspiration for Citadel?

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electricity enhanced weaponry? create some electric artillery strikes maybe technology manipulation through use of the electrokinesis

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You hit the nail with technology manipulation.

The other feats are debatable and dependent on the narrative I’ve planned to tell. :wink:

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In all fairness, these scenes go beyond being similar. Also I understand that the MHA ip was a big inspiration for this story but I really do think the extremely specific circumstances surrounding Luca and citadel are a bit too on the nose. That aside, I like the characters and the writing itself is good and I enjoy reading what you’ve written. I just humbly recommend being careful when drawing parallels between your own work and existing ones. All said, I wish you success going forward regardless of what direction you take the story. :v:t3:

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I will keep that in mind, as I mentioned that I will be addressing this during the polishing phase. Aside from that, I’m glad to hear you’re enjoying the story.

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I hope that didn’t come across as too negative or critical. I’m usually only good at talking to strangers in a face to face setting so that took like 15 minutes to find the right(?) phrasing for lmao :joy: but yea I do like your story. It’s also a big bonus for me that my two overall favorite powers just so happen to be electricity manipulation and superhuman physical abilities so I can’t not root for ya now lol

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You didn’t come across as negative, given I have this set up (the thread) to get feedback from potential finished product readers. If you’re ever up to chat on Discord let me know then you can do a voice chat with me. :joy:

I appreciate that and you’ll definitely enjoy the next two or three chapters final chapters before finishing the remainder of the project and getting beta readers.

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Don’t if anyone mentioned it before but since we already have electricity as a power would it possible where we can manifest it into some sort of weapon or armor. For example people who play defensively will get defensive check if they want to make an elective shield, force field or armor or people who want to play offensively get offensive check for making a electic sword, bow, gun or something along those lines

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I have only read the MHA manga and I was obsessed with Teen Titans as a child so I am super excited. I really enjoyed the demo cause it feels like I am part of that world. And the impending tragedy makes it all the more compelling. Overall I can’t wait for more!

Good luck!

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[Redacted]

Who else here is starting to think that Cidatel is a d***? Why does he act nice to everyone else and not MC? If MC’s father did something to Cidatel, why is MC being blamed for it?

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Didn’t it say Citadel knew his parents and really disliked the MC’s father? Perhaps the MC’s mom was Citadel’s ex who dumped him in favor of the father

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It’s a fantastic little trope in writing called “Sins of the Father”, usually anything that the parent has done to someone, those feelings of resentment follow down eventually to the child even if they are innocent.

not trying to plug anything but OVP’s video goes more into depth about it and what it usually portrays

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Plugging is acceptable. :joy:

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Remember Serverus Snape with James Potter and Harry Potter he immediately despised Harry for his father

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