Legends of Alvana

So I started a game called Legends of Alvana. Your mother’s death brings you back home. In her study you come across unusual things Now you’re in Alvana where you’re their only hope of survival. Learn the truth of your mother, form relationships and become a hero. (WIP)

Currently 2 chapters are available. Working on the updates

To play the demo, go here: https://dashingdon.com/play/shari/legens-of-alvana/mygame/

#genderchoice #fantasy #13up

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Edit: Thanks for using Dashingdon, I’ll be playing it now! :grin:

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www.example.com is the standard text when creating a hyperlink.

@Shaheera, you need to copy/paste your actual link into the box, when creating it. :blush:

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Welcome to the community, @Shaheera. I believe you’re new, here?

I see you’re still using the text template for the WIP category. It’s not that you must break the template, but you might want to do some modification to your post, especially your link is still http://www.example.com/.

Thank you for the reminder. I was waiting for them to approve so i could edit it but then i fell asleep

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It’s good but very short atm can’t wait for more

Found a bug:

You both had straight eyes, black Unknown hair and fair skin.

That should have been grey eyes and black straight hair. It seems you are either using the wrong variables or setting them incorrectly.

And one more:

If only I could be the mother she needs. She’d be better off without me.

My character is male, and uses “he” pronouns.

Noticing the same issue with the swapped variables there; I honestly thought it was because I entered a custom hair colour (for the sake of testing), but it seems like that’s not the case as the hair colour shows normally:

You both had wavy eyes, blonde Unknown hair and fair skin.

The page where the character arrives to their old home can also be broken down into multiple pages, as I feel like it was a tad tiring to read on the (relatively) tiny screen of my phone. This issue also persists much later on with some page, such as the one where ‘They’re waking up!’ page break occurs.

There were also some spelling issues and missing periods. I’ll save the grammar critique until later drafts though!

Overall, I like the concept. The bridging of a fantasy world and our urban world does sound novel, though not unheard of; I’d like to see where you’re bringing the concept to — seeing that it may have some virtually endless possibility.

(Lastly, is Alistair a possible romance target?)

Fixing that now. Thank you and I hope I’m able to create a twist you all will like. And yes Alistair is romanceable. You will meet the other ROs later of course.

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Fixed.

Interesting start to the story.

Thank you :slightly_smiling_face:

Great game, seems really interesting so far. Can’t wait to see more!

Thank you darling. Chapter 2 is up.

Glad to see that progress is coming along well for you! I played through the game, so here’s so feedback.

You might want to pay attention to the usage of spaces and punctuation when writing. There were several instances throughout where there were spaces missing after punctuation, and many places where punctuation was missing altogether.

In terms of the writing quality, the text seems very action-oriented - by that, I mean that generally the descriptions simply describe what is happening more often than not. “We walked down the hallway. Dad opened the door to the study. He walked inside and handed me a book.” It would be interesting to get a bigger insight at the beginning of what the player’s life was like through their own thoughts.

A point where this style of writing comes to a head is when the player is reading the mother’s journal. It’s literally just the entries, and we don’t get any context through the player’s thoughts. Then, at the end, we only get a few small reactions and a rather stiff choice of “forgive your mother or don’t” that doesn’t matter. Additionally, that choice didn’t really make much sense because there was nothing the mother had done so far that she would need to be forgiven for. This has the potential to be a pretty emotional moment, but there just wasn’t enough presented to get me invested in the relationship between her and my character.

When coming to Alvana, I was expecting a bit more of an explanation for what was going on. Alistair was largely unhelpful and I didn’t glean much backstory besides the one spiel about Narui’s reign. Perhaps that comes later, but I encountered an error here and couldn’t continue.

Screenshot

I also noticed that the way the character behaves is largely decided for us. They tend to pretty combative and defensive, and they also seem to be focused on sports. This may come into play later as important, but currently it just seems like we’re being shoehorned into a personality. Some more choices - detailed and relevant choices, to be precise - would allow us to develop stronger, unique personalities.

Final note: there was a small error on the stats screen.

Summary

Capture

Overall, I think there’s potential for this story! Some more insight to the main character, some more background about the relationship with his mother prior to going to Alvana, and some grammar/spelling edits will really make it good. I hope you have fun writing the rest of the story out! :slight_smile:

Its interesting,but when they shoot arows on us i dont see why would they use flaming arows,that would just slow them down.
And about part when Nina mention Shakespeare,if they are in other world and that world is in medival age then i dont see how she would know about Shakespeare.

Thank you for the insight. You make a good point. My writing isn’t exactly the best and I should work on that. The forgiving part is actually important but it is unfair to force a decision like that upon you since you haven’t seen the relationship as you’ve said. You’ve opened my eyes Trevers17, there shall be rewrites.

Oh and the reason you encountered a problem was because I had inserted a save pulgin and it’s not a recognized command so had to edit it while it was published. Should be good now.

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Don’t worry. It will be rewritten. And the inital idea was for the MC’s mother and teh rest of the gang to be friends and she’d teach them a bit about her world. But like i said worry not, rewrites are coming. This story shall make sense.

Alistair the DILF I like :smirk: :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:
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Oh and the story I like that too :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

Yass xD