Ice Fairy (celestial world) - WIP

Hi, I’m writing this game and my native language and would like an opinion! thanks


The game will have 3 options of romance all of them will be women.

Demo -> https://dashingdon.com/go/3023

16 Likes

What’s the plot of this demo? It is interesting but also confusing.

8 Likes

Okay need to tell us abit of plot cause people will be turned away and is it genderlocked or can we choose gender

2 Likes

I’m pretty sure it’s gender locked female (says on top in the tags)

1 Like

Well I’m not playing I hate genderlocked needs to choose gender brings more people in

2 Likes

Seems interesting. I will keep a watch on this.

One critique I have is: your writing needs to be more polished. The grammer is not well put together in most parts.

My suggestion it find someone to help with the grammer.

6 Likes

One suggestion I have is to put a summary or description in your post as the game was a bit confusing. Also, Zhen Li’s pronouns kept switching between he/him to she/her in the game and kind of threw me off.

From what I understood of the game, the plot seems interesting but the writing threw me off a little. As @Megus suggested, maybe find someone to help you with the grammar?

Good luck with the game!

2 Likes

True, and since this is beta there is still time to change it! :grinning:
Good job so far.

1 Like

This is not beta test mate it’s just a demo

1 Like

Betas and demos are basically the same thing. I’ve always just had public demos of my WIPs that I’ve added new chapters to as time went along, but I wouldn’t say that meant that I’ve never had my games beta tested.

4 Likes

“Zhen Li returns the child and his crimes will be forgiven”

Whose crimes are “his crimes”? If it means “Zhen Li’s crimes”, it’s better to change this sentence to something like this:
“Zhen Li, return the child, and your crimes will be forgiven”.

a small smile of derision formed in her affections

I don’t think it’s the right word. Does that mean “a small smile of derision formed on her face”?

This and regret? feather?

What does that even mean?

“You helped kill your parents Zhen li, this child will also want to take revenge on you”

That looks like Zhen Li helped to kill Zhen Li’s parents. Why would the child want to take revenge for the parents? Do they both have the same parents? Is Zhen Li the child’s sister? Or does this sentence actually mean “You helped to kill her (the child’s) parents, Zhen Li”?

1 Like

This topic was automatically closed 60 days after the last reply. If you want to reopen your WiP, contact the moderators.