My first impression is that the writing is a little stilted. It’s structurally sound, and cleanly formatted (so miles above a lot of works), but there’s no flavor to the voice, you’ve got a lot of places where things are too wordy, and some places of redundancy. This isn’t a problem now (You’re still in your first draft), but it’s good to be aware of it, and try to correct the habits:
You had a great time, and were about to return home when a glowing bluish stone attracted your attention. It was mesmerising, with its pulsating life immediately attracting you towards it.
This is redundant here, for instance (You’re attracted to it twice). You could probably change the second sentence to: “It was mesmerizing, pulsing with life.” (or however you choose to word it). We notice it with the first sentence, and find out what’s fascinating in the second without repeat.
As you touched the stone you felt as if your entire body had gone on fire, as energy raced from the stone into you.
Had gone on is clunky. It’s taking the past tense a second step back if that makes sense.
Ramble about the differences between "had been" and "was"
The game is in present tense, so your character is doing.
In the flashback scene, then, you want past tense. Your character was doing.
If you wanted to go a step back further (Say, you’d been walking on the river and started pondering your work), you would bring had into the mix. Your character had been doing.
Here, your body was on fire. (Or, to make things more personal, “You felt your body burning”).
Your conversations with people also feel a little stilted. Frank and Carol seemed like they were reading off a script. Everyone talks in different ways, and while you clean up a lot of it when you write (People say “Umm” and “ahh” and flub grammar way more often in real life), you still need to present that in your story somehow. Usually, a higher concentration of contractions and sentence fragments (unless the character is expressly trying to impress somebody/is still getting comfortable with the language), some occasional dialect shifts (Don’t overdo it, because it gets grating or confusing, but there are a few slang terms people will throw around in casual conversation)
For instance, I speak like a hick unless I’m trying to impress somebody (I tend to use “gotta” when I’m posting on here, which reflects that). When I ask people “How was your day?” It comes out something like
“How’ve you been?”
While a waitress at a casual diner (I live in Pittsburgh) would almost definitely greet you with:
“How are yinz today?”
And someone more enthusiastic:
“How are you today? You look so good!”
)
