Help Defining Ace Romantic Relationships?

Game Development Writing and Content
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I’m not sure if this is the right place, but anyway I’m kinda confused here and I’ve been trying to figure this out for a long time: I feel attraction and stuff like that and I even imagine uhm, being intimate with someone, but even those times I imagine myself as the giver, not as the one who recieves pleasure. I’d just say that being so close to someone that we almost don’t even need words anymore to understand eachother and touching eachoter in intimate (not sexual) ways is more interestng to me than having sex, which is something I backed out of in the last moment whenever I was in a situation where I could have experienced it. So I wonder where does that leave me, does that make me asexual or I just wasn’t with the right persons even if I thought so? What do people who are ace think about this?

I’ve been building up the courage since a while to ask this on a forum which is mainly about IF games. And yeah, I know bc of the main topic I might be out of line here, so if a mod decides this question isn’t appropriate I’ll accept the decision.

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I see nothing wrong with asking this type of question. It doesn’t feel so out of place to ask about it here, either. Far be it for me to pretend I’m any sort of self-help expert (pls note that I’m not), but this is my impression of your querry such as it seems to me.

The single biggest thing people are wont to treat like a package deal those on the aro/ace spectrums, little realizing they are a whole world of meaning apart. Spectrums, because they are not the same thing, and there are varying degrees for both; someone aromantic isn’t necessarily averse to the idea of going into a sexual relationship, and that same person can certainly derive personal pleasure from the act. To suggest stronger feelings than simple sexual drive isn’t really on the definitive aromantic’s radar, though.

Being asexual on the other hand doesn’t suddenly remove your capacity for deeper love; I see the more platonic branch of love being underestimated every day with modern media–that seemingly exists in its distinctly binary vacuum-sealed bubble–yet it is no less passionate or driven than the more romantic sort, nor even the sexual romantic sort. People have done great, and terrible things in the name of platonic loves, too, and there are ancient drama’s that showcase as much in their narrative.

It’s mentioned a few times in the older posts on this same thread that say it so well, but people conflate aro/ace just as much as they do romance and sex, when really love is not the same as sex.

So from my naive, and biased perspective on what you shared: Your feelings were not fake, nor worth less than those you shared them with. Maybe the people you were with didn’t understand why you weren’t ‘feeling it’, but there’s so little understanding for the ace spectrum, and the majority of people out there have this knee-jerk response that it can’t possibly be a thing because it isn’t something the average person could comprehend.

Even stretching the imagination with people who swear they are ‘only attracted to a certain type of person’ by suggesting they had to hypothetically attempt to feel attraction for the other to try to sell the picture of not being sexually attracted to anyone barely cuts it, since that is it’s own thing entirely.

My response it probably not too satisfying, but more and more of us on the ace spectrum have been talking more openly about it online, and many of us have even shared stories related to it. As long as the internet is a fairly open resource for knowledge, no one should ever feel like they’re trapped in the dark wondering if there’s even one more person out there like them.

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The concept that there are “right” (or “wrong”) people, when it comes to (sexual/romantic) attraction or otherwise kinda grinds my gears. Maybe because I’m somewhere on the ace spectrum the auristic spectrum or something, but who knows :woman_shrugging: In my experience the most important thing in a relationship is that you’re able to talk about things with your partner if your expectations of something don’t line up. This is something people need to learn and grow into. No matter how close you are, you are still different people. If intimacy and understanding are the most important things to you in a relationship, those are the things that are most important to you, and as long as your partner either shares or understands your perspective, and you theirs, and you are committed to working towards a state where the both of you are comfortable, that seems like a really worthwhile experience to me. If you’re comfortable with the label, or one of the others on the spectrum, you can use it. If you don’t, then there’s no need to. You’re a person first and foremost. The labels are just for description and categorization, and adhering to the common definition of them doesn’t fit everyone.

Also wholeheartedly agree with everything @AdmiralLynx89 said.

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Thank you @AdmiralLynx89 and a @Cecilia_Rosewood. Like I said I tried to read up about this, but people replying to my question helps me more to accept that there is nothing wrong with me than just reading about peoples possible similar experiences.

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How do you define your intimacy in an asexual relationship?
To be honest, I think your best bet would be to research love languages (sorry if this has already been suggested!) There’s five types: verbal (compliments), gifts, spending time together, physical touch, and acts of service (cooking dinner, cleaning house, fixing cars, etc)

If it’s for a character who you are developing as the writer, consider which of the five they would be drawn to most. If it’s for a player defined character, consider creating a variable of some kind (love_language 1-5) and using multireplace perhaps to list the various options of how they interact with their partner, what they fantasize about doing with a crush, etc.

Also, I feel like it’s important to note, some ace people still engage in more sexual contact with a partner depending on how sex-repulsed they are. Some folks are sex-repulsed, which means they feel adverse to sexual contact and/or content in media. Some are sex-neutral, which means they don’t really care either way. And some are sex-positive, which means they still enjoy reading smutty fiction, would have an enjoyable experience if their partner wanted to have sex, etc. Being ace isn’t a hard limit to all sexual contact, it just means that any sexual interaction has “caveats” so to speak, such as their motives for engaging with it. Just make sure if you’re not an ace person and you write someone ace who engages with sexual themes, you try to get someone ace to give it a read over.

What attracts you to other people the most?
I still have a romantic orientation, which I define as biromantic (i.e. all folks, though I tend to avoid cis men; nothing wrong with them, just not my type.) For me specifically, I have different tastes depending on the type of person I’m attracted to; I find girls who have dark hair or very light hair to be especially beautiful. Physical attraction is still a factor, I believe, but think of it more like if you’re thinking about buying a piece of art, you want it to be something you like looking at, even if you also like the history and themes of the piece. (Not to equate ownership with relationships! I mean more the “commitment” aspect of making a purchase.) I do think however that without sex being a factor, personality takes a really big spotlight. When I think about a partner, I want someone who meshes well with my own personality, and who I can enjoy spending time with and talking to.

How would you want asexuality to be represented in a game?
I would want asexuality to be represented in a mature, and positive way. All too often I see people say that ace folk aren’t discriminated against, aren’t really LGBT, etc. Further, a lot of times ace characters are watered down to a trope of super innocent, naive, childish, etc and are almost exclusively sex-repulsed (“sex is icky!! cooties!! ahh!!”) Just like any other LGBT character, your ace character may or may not be a virgin, may or may not have experimented with sexuality for who they have dated, may have any personality you can think of, may have “adult” goals, etc. Try to avoid making a character being ace be their entire identity.

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You’re the only one who can decide, unfortunately, if you are on the ace spectrum or not. There are different labels people use, like demisexual or grey ace, that might fit as well.

I had to think a lot and read ace experiences before deciding for myself. In my case, I picked demi because I do feel sexual attraction, I just have to already be ‘into’ the person romantically. If Jason Momoa showed up on my doorstep and propositioned me, I’d shut the door. I just require a degree of relationship trust and comfort before I will even know if I feel sexual attraction, and most of the time I don’t.

I say all this just because like LadyUmbreon said, it’s a spectrum. Some people are asexual and sex repulsed, some people are asexual but okay with sex, some people are somewhere on the spectrum of feeling attraction under certain conditions, etc.

But it’s fine to be questioning. I think it’s good to periodically check in with yourself, see if you have changed or discovered something about yourself. If you ultimately decide to identify as somewhere on the ace spectrum, or if you discard the label but still feel an affinity, or if you decide you are allo (i.e. experience sexual attraction), it’s okay. This isn’t a science :slight_smile:

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Oh you remind me of me. I like sex in fiction and imagining it. But i prefer to give pleasure in those scenarios rather than receive. Maybe i feel i don’t deserve pleasure maybe i just want others to be happy. I don’t know. But it never gets anywhere because considering actual real sex makes me uncomfortable.

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You might want to ask yourself whether you enjoy thinking of that as part of a display of love—as in, you love this person, and you want to do things for them—or because it turns you on to see them having pleasure.

I can’t say whether you’re an ace or not, but wanting to do something someone you love likes and enjoying it because of THAT despite it not being a thing for you personally isn’t incompatible with aceness. Some non-sex averse aces do it just because it’s----the same thing as taking someone to the movies when you actually don’t like going to movies that much, but they do. It’s the difference between desiring a certain aspect of them, or just wanting to do something for them.

If outright aceness doesn’t feel like you, perhaps you’ll be more comfortable with grey ace-ness? There’s a vast swathe of different experiences in the spectrum!

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After reading about it (on a basic level just yet). I think this term could be a closer fit for me than ace. Thanks everyone, for helping me to figure this out.
Tho it’s not like I use labels too often. Especially not IRL, in real life I don’t even say “I’m a lesbian”, I just say “I like women” or that “I’m only attracted to women” stuff like that.

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This forum is a nice place in that you don’t have to explain much even if what you identify with as either gender or sexuality can be broken down into multiple parts that a lot of people outside of this forum haven’t heard of. I “came out” to my parents as bi who only feels attraction once in a while rather than demi-pan-sexual since I didn’t really feel like trying to explain the entire spectrum of sexualities and the different ways labels used in them can be slotted together.

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Hey, I discovered here than I am demisexual. Until that my definition was I need time to trust in a man to have intimacy. I mean I still being same person, but having a word to describe it to others feel nice.

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@Cecilia_Rosewood I agree this is a nice forum. No wonder this is the only place on the internet I’m active at. (Beside viber and stuff where I talk with people I know IRL, I avoid FB like plague).
As for the terms. In my home country even the acceptence of homosexual people is relatively new, and the majority are still judgemental. So anything beside that (and of course the straight majority) would be frowned upon by like 45 people out of 50. Hell, the reason I asked this question now instead of hesitating more was a discussion between my recent crush and me. She practically said she thinks sex is the most important thing in an early relationship and I disagreed with her, I said getting to really know eachother where we understand every little touch and stuff like that is more important, sex is secondary at best. Here I was disappointed in her, not necessarily giving up just disappointed.
Anyway back to the main topic people are still ignorant over here so it’s not like I could even use this label. But still it helps knowing I’m not defected in some way just bc sexual situation is something I get quickly bored of IRL. But to be able to define myself even if it’s just to me (and the folks on the internet) it makes me feel better.
@poison_mara I’m glad this forum helped you too. This made me curious so I assume Spain is more accepting than Hungary if you can even use the term. I guess I’ll just have to stick to few sentences answer instead of the few word one.

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forgive me if I’m butting in here. But that part, make me wonder if its true.

And if it is true, where does it come from. Some peoples for exemple, had relationship…but sex lacked. Some peoples say Sex is the most important thing, then you hump them like a rabbit and all of sudden its not that much important! plz back off! Hormonal idiot! Lol

And don’t forget the bracket of age make a difference. The way one is raised. Peoples are stuck too much in stereotype, Movies…where its torrides romance , electric touches…intense stuff at the beginning. Then BAM! It died down, and the real romance show up…then it get boring…cose life get in the way .

You can have both actually. Unless you are saying you rather downplay the sex part and focus more on the stuff you like .

There is also one thing that I didn’t see mentioned here, but I believe you can feel emotional attraction to someone. Make your heart flip flop and all that crap. But there is no physical attraction . And that could lead to…well no Smoochie.

Just a though, something to think about . I’ll see myself out :wink:

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Spain is a weird case. In general, we are very open to the varied spectrum of gender, with one of the most advanced laws in integration. However, socially ace aro and demisexual. Have a big cultural misunderstanding with the rest of the population. Spain is sex-focused. Kissing touching and intimacy are considered a Must. You have to have them NOW.
Tell your crush or date that You need time or aren’t as interested is 99,9% cases a Well, I need sex now go lost nun.

I am 32, I heard that teens have it same or worse.

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On the plus side you probably don’t have any whining incels there.

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No, in fact, I discovered here or in Cys the term. I have never heard of it before. And in a way is a cultural shock, in a place where sexuality is considered almost the only way of show affection in a relationship for short term is it.
In Spain, if you don’t kiss on the first date you won’t have a second. In general, of course, in the lgtbq+ there is more openness (in theory)

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I never said both can’t happen, tho in my case I wonder if the same thing would happen as all previous times, I get kinda bored of the sexual stuff quickly even if at first it seems enjoyable (and I start to think stuff like when should I pull away in a make out sessions case while my partner still seems to be into it). And I’m just saying that imo getting to know the other person is more important than getting to know their body… Tho I guess that depends on what someone is looking for (one night only hook up or a serious relationship).

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seem like you talk more in your head, then say the other person.

Communication is key in a relationship. ‘Let’s take a breath’’ with a smile work like a charm .Make it sound like it was enjoyable, but you both need to still breath (well unless someone is a vampire), and cool off a bit . Which open the floor to talking, and other stuff like hands holding, electric touching, then you can return to sucking face for your partenaire sake. It doesnt have to go on a no stop marathon .

It really the foundation of a relationship. And I don’t mean talking in one way. But talking, and listening . Then both peoples find the middle ground. to make it work.

-I think sex is overrated, I don’t have much fun and it bore me fast. I rather know the person intimatly, but without diving in the hardcore love making session.
-Well sex is important to me, its called a beautiful way to prove your love to someone.

  • But I get bored real fast and I really rather cuddle on the couch, maybe nibble here and there , while talking, laughing, sharing the same space.
  • I rather we do that in bed naked .

well this for exemple is two peoples talking and neither one is listening. One want something, the other one want something else.

There are no rules, I mean sure…peoples write books how to make it work and blahblah . But its way too general and doesnt always apply to the individual. Because we are all different, with different need and desires .

The trick is to find the right spot where you are both confortable, and get what you both want .

Know the person is something you can’t do in one setting. You can live a whole life, and you still find things you didn’t know about someone .

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In my experience, there is no compromise If You HATE X and want B. And the other Hate B and want X.

There are times people can like each other but be 100% incompatible. Most of the toxic relationships come from not dialogue and because we expect from the other side what they can’t do, or what they don’t want to do.
Reason when I started with more or less a relationship I directly tell the guy in the face what I will never do in a million of years, and he can hit the road if he is not interested.
I think that is more important when you are demi like me or ace or aro. If I won’t have sex until I feel comfortable or foreplay. I will tell the guy to he doesn’t expect what I won’t give him.

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That make it sound that peoples enter relationship just to get X and B .

Relationship are more then that. Its day to day life, and every day is good or bad. Its a roll of the dice .

There is also the issue that peoples believe that to be with someone they gotta be compatible . Like the same stuff, have similar taste . Dude, you are not looking for a freaking Twin here .

Sure there some stuff that are important. Like your belief, moral compass , things like that are important .

But sometimes you can’t know for sure unless you give something a chance . And if it really doesn’t work, at least you saw it to the end for yourself instead of discarding it too quickly . Maybe it wouldnt work as a relationship, but maybe it would work as a friendship . You never know .