Hey guys Zeroken here.
So, another WIP of mine just to bounce off of my first one and just to keep my perspective fresh and my ideas flowing, whenever I write.
I posted an idea in the Interest Check Thread about two weeks ago and I finally get to work on it last night after a few weeks of torture in university and I couldn’t wait to present it to you guys so here it is.
Emotion: The instinctive and intuitive feeling as distinguished from reasoning or knowledge.
Emotions are harmful, unpredictable, uncontrollable as you were always taught by your mother.
In order to avoid clouding their judgement the Gods of your world made a drastic decision and stripped themselves of emotions, threw them away and gave them to humanity. This made them hollow, devoid of any emotion, no happiness, no satisfaction, nothing.
Naturally, it came with consequences. When humanity received this gift they finally started to feel, and to rebel against the gods, to be a mindless minion no longer. The Gods themselves knew this inevitable change would happen and accepted it.
But one day, when a God and a human fell in love with each other, their connection made them feel complete. Both races finally found the balance that they looking for in life. This is when the Heart Festival started.
About the game
- Play as male or female. Be gay, straight or bisexual.
- Participate in the upcoming contest of the Heart Festival and find your fated God.
- Romance 4 different Gods each with their own different background, agendas and the aspect they embody.
- Face off a number of rival contestants who will hinder you along the way.
Lucien, progeny God of the House of Fortitude – A straightforward and stoic God who never accepts defeat. He is often praised for his single-minded and righteous attitude. Now, joining as one of the God participant he has but only one goal: to seek out his fated human.
(Romanceable by both genders, only had experience with women)
Yggdra, progeny Goddess of the House of Celerity – The jaded princess of the House of Celerity who can’t figure out what she wants in life. Growing up she always been told about the tales of her parent’s romantic past. As a God she can’t grasp the idea of what emotion is, because of this she curiously joined the Heart Festival.
(Romanceable by both genders, only had experience with men)
Velcrow, progeny God of the House of Dusk – The concept of liking another man like himself has always plagued Velcrow’s mind. No matter how he pushes away who he is, it always comes back like a second nature. Now that his father found out who he really is, he forcefully made his son join the competition amidst the turmoil that is happening inside of him.
(Romanceable only by male MCs)
Cetacea, progeny Goddess of the House of Balance – Cetecea’s harmless mischief is well-known among her servants and her parents. Being a progeny and the heir to the House of Balance has always bored her out of her mind. One day, when she heard about the festival, she immediately begged her parents to let her join. Participating in the contest, she had only one purpose in mind: to cause more mischief.
(Romanceable only by female MCs)
Kinda rushed I know and it’s very bare bones for now, but some feedback would be well appreciated.
Seems like a solid start to an interesting story, I’ll be keeping an eye out for what happens next.
Good luck, and all the best.
I liked what I’ve read so far, seems really interesting!
It’s a little short but I am interested in seeing where this goes. I will be watching this and I wish you good writing.
I’ve been waiting for you to start since you commented on the “Interest Check Thread”
The idea is quite interesting and I would like to see how far the story goes.
Looks interesting can’t wait to see more
I love reading new demos, it’s so nice seeing them grow :") I have a few general comments — some stylistic comments and some structural ones too. I’ll start with the bigger ones first:
- I think that you should include a bit more choice on some aspects such as the relationship between the mom and the MC as well as the internal monologue that occurs when filling out the form stuff. For the internal monologue, there are many different ways that a MC could feel and if you want to stick to the feeling of worry/doubt, that’s okay. However, you could include more choice in personality but having choices like: Typically I feel super confident but I’m feeling particularly worried OR I don’t even understand why I’m doing this, it’s impossible OR I really want to get in but I don’t know if I can! All carry a different
- In regards to the mom relationship, you can still have them have a close relationship but choices that make it so you can choose how the MC actually shows that affection will really be a game-changer in choosing personality. For example: A choice similar to the pre-existing one, a choice where the MC doesn’t say anything but the mom knows what they’re thinking, or even one where they crack a joke that still reflects their concern.
- Again, with the childhood friend scene, choice would be great here! There are optimistic MCs, angry MCs, more aloof ones, etc. You can still incorporate the share-y feelings stuff but having it align to traits would be great
- Adding the ability to choose how the MC feels about their father will add more backstory and complexity to each ones individual character. Some may feel angry, some may ignore their feelings because of they have much bigger things to worry about, some may just feel sad.
More stylistic comments:
1.I try to not focus on grammatical errors when reading new demos just cause I feel like the authors aren’t looking for that stuff but I think this is a pretty big one.
There were a lot of times when there were grammatical (?) issues in regards to the usage of quotation marks. In this ss, it would be “You must realize that this cannot go on,” his father says with undeniable authority, “I will only say this once, cease this foolishness.” Note the commas and that cool stuff.
2. Other stuff was more tedious.
I just felt like the above highlighted section kind of interruptted the reading. Maybe put “I’m here,” she struggles to say, coughing loudly. [Insert the rest] Might just be a personal thing, idk.
Here’s another personal thing uuhhh, I feel like “as well as your printed name” was redundant since that’s a part of your basic information.
This was a much longer post than I originally intended! But here’s the good stuff. I think the story is good so far. Definitely bare bones but when you flesh out the parts, I can see this being incredibly good. I like how you switch between characters, I think that’s pretty solid. Concepts good, romance options seem interesting, really digging the summary. Overall, really excited to see more.
Thanks for the interest everyone. This is my first gender choice WIP so i’m still learning as I go.
@Ikarus_1337 Thank you lol. Been trying to find time to actually start on it so here we are.
@Airo Thanks for the awesome feedback! I’m still trying to add more personalized choices for the prologue as well as the first chapter so expect more stuff to be added and changed.
As for the quotation thing, I actually haven’t noticed that I’ve been using that kind of sentence structure for a while now. If it was grammatically incorrect, then I will revise the whole thing.
Anyways, nice suggestions! I’ll totally keep them in mind.
This is definitely interesting work in progress and will have to see how this develops.
I have caught an error whenever you try to go into the stats page it gives this error code.
Just finished the whole prologue and I’ll finally begin on chapter 1. Side note, ignore the stats screen for now as I usually write the story first before adding stats. It’s working now but still kinda useless.
Anyways, thanks guys.
That awkward moment when you emotionally identify closer to the emotionless gods and not the emotionally charge PC you’re supposed to self insert to. Oops
Well… ignoring my inability to relate to the PC, overall, it’s a really interesting concept and I can’t really complain about the demo. What you have so far is pretty good. Objectively (as in, with no bias in my statement), it’s good. I’ll be for sure following this wip.
Strictly opinion- I think the personality variations has a lot of room to improve and make themselves more distinct from each other. They all still feel a little “same-y” to me. They all have this sort of “anxiety ridden” teen feel to me. Not to say that it’s bad, if you want the PC to be defined as having anxiety (but you should probably say that somewhere). Even more, highly opinionated thought- maybe ‘chill down with the emotions‘ or a ‘cool’ option for us “Thinkers” out there. The option that supposed to be “aloof” is so emotional charged… I can’t… An interesting “personality” path would be a PC who thinks they have “broken” emotions. Ex: PC doesn’t feel emotions as strongly as people around them/normally apathetic but is aware how weird it is and acts “showy” with their actions to blend in with other humans. Well… basing that idea on how I and my fellow sociopaths- I mean “thinkers” act. Also, the part where Rica was suggesting to the PC to enter the festival would have been a good place for an interaction with Rica and also setting the PC’s moral alignment. Tbh, if I could have a say my PC would have been all for the scheme going like “hell yeah! Quick rich scheme and I get to marry some hot god/ess? A win win situation to me!”
^all personal opinion of course. So take it with a grain of salt. Like I said, what you have is good and I can tell you have a vision on your game. So stay true to yourself.
I’m really looking forward to this game!
Shouldn’t this be “your house” instead of “you house”?
Shouldn’t this be “your eyes” instead of “you eyes”?
Anyways, keep up the good work!
There’s something interesting about this. I think I might need to watch this and see where it goes.
Could you add a save system so we could pick up where we left off? Oh yeah love the story by the way.
I will, once the next update is ready.
This is an interesting topic. I will keep my eye on this WIP for further updates. Stay safe and take care.