I posted early mobile is hard to edit on. Give me a moment.
Initial thoughts: interesting concept, I can definitely tell there’s a visual novel angle here but that’s not negative. Prologue started off on a bit of an underwhelming note, but the writing style is enticing and it fits the slice of life vibe. Sometimes it’s very noticeable when you’re not looking at someone’s first draft, it feels polished.
I have some gripes with writing choices, but I’ve had that with some of my all-time favourite books too, and you’re clearly an experienced writer with your own style.
Some of the earlier feedback you got is what we in my language call “speaking straight from the liver”. After having had a look myself, I know where some of it is coming from, and I thought I’d put into words how I see things. Feel free to regard or disregard this as you wish, it is your story after all and ultimately many of the best authors write the story they themselves would want to read.
I had one question, though, @MoonlightBomber:
Have you read any Choicescript stories yourself? I think most of the criticism you’ve gotten regarding the interactive aspects are about a clash in your expectations, and the expectations of readers on this forum. You write well, and I know there’s absolutely an audience here for light-hearted stories, slice of life and visual novel inspirations. There’s also an audience for gender-locked characters and most of what you’ve written. You’re a talented author and I really appreciate the passion that shines through in your work.
That being said, below the line I’ve got some thoughts on why people haven’t responded the way your story otherwise deserves:
Summary
First some writing feedback.
“In terms of equality and human rights, the kingdom also highly upholds it, especially in the light of the bigotry the now-disgraced clan perpetuated.
Humans, elves, half-elves, and feralkins — they are all afforded equal protection under the law.
And no matter their status in life or their preferred gender — the law also protects them all.”
I feel like this would be better if it was written into the story more naturally. This is coming from a queer person, but maybe instead of outright telling the reader that equal rights are a thing, it could be presented more as a natural way of life; introducing a genderqueer character early on, or describing the populace using language that isn’t cisnormative.
Some people are very into the detailed world building aspect that’s introduced in books such as LotR, but for your average reader those things rarely make for a very compelling start of a story.
I like the way Choice of Rebels does this; allowing the reader at the beginning to choose whether they want all the deep worldbuilding lore or if they want a lighter read. It gives the reader the ability to reread with further context if they find out they’re intrigued enough at the end of the book. Otherwise, I feel bite-sized drops of world building embedded piece by piece into the story is more of the norm for contemporary storytelling, and what Imo works best.
“A 30-something woman with long, dark-green hair, tied up in a huge and complicated bun with a stick, and sporting red-framed glasses as well as a tight-fitting alchemist’s outfit consisting of a blazer and a long penciled skirt, then waves at me.”
Personal gripe here, and this is something I see a lot as a reader (and I do it myself as a writer): most people don’t notice every aspect of someone’s outfit all at once. When I’m meeting someone, I often notice one or two aspects immediately, typically their hairstyle and maybe one piece of outfit that sticks out from the rest. Sometimes I’ll be in a convo and it takes me 10-30 minutes to notice that they have a nice dress on, or that I like their shoes. This goes back to the first point about not giving every piece of information to the reader at once.
Other people might not care or mind, though, or this might be your preferred way of writing, which is none of my business either. So take that with a grain of salt and chuck any of my advice in the fire if it’s not how you want to do things.
The few other things I wanted to mention here have already been brought up (such as to put the alchemy information within the choice buttons rather than describing them ahead of time).
Moving on to my main feedback now. Let me know if you don’t want writing feedback like the ones above, though. I saw you said something along the lines of accepting all feedback as long as it doesn’t go against your vision, which is fair, but I’d like to know exactly what that vision is as well. If anything I write is out of bounds I’ll apologise and delete it.
I think the first thing I want to say here is that the biggest way to avoid feedback that isn’t useful to you (such as reactions on the interactivity, if you want this to be more like a text-based visual novel), is to set that expectation at the start. When the game comes out, if it’s not as interactive as people expect on here, that should be in the foreword before people buy/download the game. Not to ward people off, but to avoid having someone who might be exactly your target audience complain because their expectations weren’t met. I’ve seen this happen a few times on this forum; people say they feel “tricked” because the description claims that e.g. the MC can be any sexuality, but the story is lacking romance for the orientation they choose for their character. Or that it says you have agency over the story, but the story is linear with a set ending and only flavour text to choose from.
All of that can be okay if expectations are managed, preferably before someone with a specific deal-breaker (such as gender locked MCs) buys the game.
And that’s I think the crust of some of the feedback you’ve gotten: when you write a choicescript game for HG/CoG/HC, there’s an expectation that some of the unwritten guidelines are followed.
An author that breaks these guidelines can still succeed - there’s many Choicescript games that are within my top 10 favourites despite doing so, and I think for some of them that is because I read them when I was new enough to Choicescript that I had yet to expect anything specific. Chances are if those same books/games were published now, and marketed the way newer games are, I would’ve liked them less for disrupting the norm without a warning. If you can break these norms well without surprising an unsuspecting reader, I think you’ll be more able to hit the audience that will truly enjoy it.
The most important part of breaking a rule in writing is Imo that it is intentional. And to do it intentionally in this medium, you should be familiar with what expectations the readers have. I don’t know if you are, because the feedback did seem to surprise you (other than it being put a bit harshly). That’s why I asked (without assumptions) if you have read many Choicescript IFs. This medium and the expectations have undergone a big change in just a few years, and what would’ve gotten a good review here in 2013 probably would fall flat today if not done intentionally and carefully. That doesn’t mean the writing was bad before, some of my favourite Choicescript games are the early linear ones with nowhere near the depth (in choices) of games/books like Fallen Hero.
Sorry for the ramble.
Here’s what I think the main current expectations are:
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even in a gender-locked MC with certain predetermined characteristics, like being a clumsy young woman, most people here expect to have control over other aspects of the character. Is she charming? Sarcastic? Stoic? What are her ideals, can the player choose whether she cares about a character, or not? Does studying make her nervous, or is she impatient to learn more?
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the above characteristics also need to be more than just flavour text. It should bleed into the narrative or affect choices in some ways, because otherwise it feels like it’s only there to paint a visage of the player having agency. I’ve said this before on other threads, but in my personal opinion the MC should be one of the (narratively) strongest characters. If we can’t empathise with the MC on a personal level, or imagine their personality, it often weakens the punch of an IF. This leads to my next point.
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readers on here can be, for lack of better words (and I’m including myself in this description, I mean this in good faith and not as a dig) petty. If we feel that the story is forcing or nudging us in a certain direction, or judging a player narratively for their choices to try and make them change tactics and play according to a vision the author has, then I’ve seen many people report that they want to do the opposite. An example from reading this WIP: the first time I met the cat, I was delighted. After a few more chapters though, when I realised I could not play as a character that did not want to pet the cat, even if I otherwise wouldn’t have picked that option, then I wanted less and less to interact with it. It’s a delightful mechanic otherwise, and a bit childish on my side, but it’s largely because Choicescript is typically equal parts a game and a book. The author can choose what they do and don’t want to implement, but if there’s no room for playing and one didn’t expect that, then it skews the set expectations. It’s like when you’re playing a video game and there’s a level made for the player to accidentally stumble upon; it was developed, coded and animated on purpose and with forethought, but the players that explore and can find them still feel like they’ve accomplished something the game devs didn’t intend.
Since I didn’t see it coming from the description (and maybe I was hasty and didn’t read properly; I’m sorry if that’s the case), it felt a bit like preparing to go for a ride only to find out it’s a self-driving car and the wheel is just for show. If I knew that first, then I would’ve brought a cup of tea, sat back and enjoyed the scenery. I’ll give that a go in the future.
This is by NO means how everyone or necessarily even most play, there’s definitely an audience for your story & I might pick it up myself once it’s out, but the crowd you might expect to get negative reactions from if they’re not aware ahead of time that this IF isn’t like the others on here, are mostly people who will move on without saying anything if it’s not their cup of tea - as long as they know it first. If you don’t want to implement the amount of choices described here or in other feedback, and want your character to be predetermined, I would make sure that that’s made clear enough so you don’t have to deal with people asking you to change something that’s a deal-breaker for you.
Personally, I play Choicescript for 2 main things: role-playing, and replayability. I want to experience the stories on here anew with new characters and different stats & personalities in a deep way. I can often stay up a whole night rereading a book I’ve gotten hooked on, because every time I get to the end I need to return and change my choices to see what else can happen. I don’t do it with every game by far, though, and if I know what to expect then the linear or gender-locked or whatever else kinds of stories can still be just as beautiful and impactful. But that’s mostly as long as I find out early enough what to expect.
Lastly.
Defying expectations and breaking rules or norms is one of the most beautiful parts of being a writer. I think many of the best stories in any medium out there are made by writers who thought outside the box and who choose to not follow all that their literature teachers told them or what readers think they should do. But I’d make sure you know to market that as it is and make a bold statement about it, so it doesn’t surprise anyone who presses the “more games like this” button at the end of a Choicescript game and might then be more inclined to criticise your story for being gender-locked, or not having as many choices as they’re otherwise used to.
Regardless I wish you much luck and no pesky writer’s block on your work going forward. It’s impressive how much you’ve written in what looks to be a regularly updated way, and your grace in accepting feedback. I hope you feel welcome to use Choicescript however you see fit, and that the target audience of all who love slice of life visual novels manage to find this. I’ll definitely be checking out how the development continues and I’m excited to see what you end up creating. You have your own style of writing that I’d love to see more of, and if you have any published visual novels I’d absolutely love to check them out as well, even if it isn’t something I pick up often.