Derodane: The Beginning

So I’m working on something called Derodane: The Beginning, It’s a story following a resident of Agan, Agan’s a town, it’s not tiny by any means, There are these wards, Theres animals from Earth but there are also animals and plants that I somehow managed to create, The story does take inspiration from various different movies, books, short stories that I’ve seen over the years.

I’m not the best at writing or explaining settings, but I’m looking for feedback and suggestions, This is my first actual book. Also if anyone knows how to add the save plugin and wouldn’t mind sharing. shoot me a reply.

Where I’m at in the story is the character creation, I plan to introduce the main parts of the character and then add more minor details later on, So their general appearance now, minor details later.

There’s also a language I’ve created, but I don’t know how to implement it into the story without it sticking out like a sore thumb. If anyone has suggestions for that I’d appreciate it.

Last of all, Character description is another one of my weak spots, If anyone has tips on how to get better at introducing a character without making it seem fanfic like I’d be willing to listen.

The game is in the playtest stage and half of the first chapter is out, the second half is character customization, If you’d like any customization options added I’m willing to hear you out.

One more thing, I need ideas on how to make gender choices better.

Playtest link



Thanks for informing me, I’m working on the save system currently should be fixed by tomorrow

If you’re unaware, to enable saving all you need to do is paste this line of code into your startup file before any story text:

*sm_init mygame | 3

But replace “mygame” with something unique, like the name of your game, so that the files don’t get mixed up with other people’s games. :slight_smile:


When I do that it just says the command doesn’t exist, I might be doing it wrong

Oh yeah, it doesnt work with choicescript’s own tests, as it’sna user plugin not an offical CoG plugin. You only need to paste it in before updating the demo. It will only work on Dashingdon.

It’s off to a good start

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Oh, Thanks

You may want to revise the punctuation. I don’t know if its a choice, but you have a lot of uppercases after a comma. Also, a couple of grammar points:

You know he’s probably overheating. It’s he is, without the apostrophe.
don’t be an ass”. Uppercase that one.
Also, a lot of full stops missing at the end of sentences. Do revise a little.
In my opinion, you should try to take all the writing and rewrite it; maybe you will find a way to make it have a different flow?

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Alright, Thanks for the advice

If I may ask, what’s wrong with using “he’s” instead of “he is”? Isn’t the former just an abbreviation of the latter?

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Nothing is wrong with it. Both He’s and he is, is correct.

I’m redoing the first chapter, I use words like he’s, it’s, they’re to shorten sentences sometimes, mainly because I use those words in my vocabulary more, but I’ll also use, he is, it is, they are, if I want to make sentences longer or in certain dialects for different characters. Neither of those are the wrong ways to write something. I just switch between them when needed

I signaled that one because, not being a possessive, rather a description, it is understood that using the separate “he is” makes this type of sentence flow better. But you are correct in saying that its not incorrect. Perhaps I should have used a clearer example, my apologies.

The use of contractions, such as he’s or they’ve or whatever is not a big problem in the game. Do not worry about them. Focus on the story.

I’ve realized the first chapter isn’t the best, punctuation wise or plot wise. I’m rewriting the whole book and I’ll be taking a few weeks to re-evaluate. I say a few weeks because this book is an idea I want to get out, but I also want the book to be as enjoyable to the reader as it is for me when I’m thinking of what happens next. But in the meantime, I’m still taking suggestions.


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