Candy Apple [WIP] Chapter-1 P1

I’ve begun work on my new game Candy Apple. After learning of your parents passing you return to your home town of Black Hollow where you have gotten a job as an assistant investigator at a paranormal hunting agency. But as you investigate the disappearance of a missing local girl the sinister side of Black Hollow begins to reveal itself.

To play the demo, go here:

Currently I’m looking for general feedback, criticism and spelling mistakes as this is my first story on here or anything you think should be added or discarded.

The story so far only has appearance choices(as there’s not much in it) but I plan on having multiple romance routes and endings.

~looking forward to hearing your thoughts~


The premise sounds pretty cool so far hope that you find writing and coding as much as I find this cool! Good luck mate!

I found an error that seem to only happen if u pick boy as the girl path plays out until the end of the demo

Other than that I like the concept

Should be fixed now

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Alright, I’ve got a couple of criticisms/corrections.


How to handle quotes as part of a sentence

Firstly, you have a habit of doing this:
“Here for the scrapes.” They say[…]

When it should be like this:
“Here, for the scrapes,” they say[…]

What I’m referring to is ending the quote with a period and then capitalizing the next letter, even though the sentence hasn’t logically ended yet; the quote is the grammatical object of the sentence. You should instead end it with a comma if the end of the quote isn’t the end of the larger sentence. The comma after “here” is just an incidental correction.

Compare to how you did it here:
“T-thank for the band-aids.” With that[…]

This is fine because “With that” starts a different sentence.

Alex's gender

Alex is referred to as “they” for most of the intro, but the third page says:
You are totally caught off guard at her statement. Is she calling you cute?

It seems as though Alex was meant to be non-binary or just of unknown gender, but is called female for two sentences. I suppose that’s an error.

I might get around to putting in every minor mistake, but the ones above stick out to me.


Use of dialogue

You could stand to use more dialogue. Maybe it’s subjective on my part, but I find it easier to stay engaged when the story is relayed through in-character dialogue rather than through the narrator. That is, rather than writing:
Alex says it looks perfect on you and matches you perfectly.

You could instead use Alex’s voice directly:
“It matches you perfectly,” Alex tells you.

I just find that more elegant.

That’s all I’ve got for now. I tried to focus on systematic changes that I think you should make rather than every incidental typo. The reason I felt the need to make these points is not because what you’ve got so far is bad, just because your story is in such early stages.


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