Alright, I’ve got a couple of criticisms/corrections.
Corrections:
How to handle quotes as part of a sentence
Firstly, you have a habit of doing this:
“Here for the scrapes.” They say[…]
When it should be like this:
“Here, for the scrapes,” they say[…]
What I’m referring to is ending the quote with a period and then capitalizing the next letter, even though the sentence hasn’t logically ended yet; the quote is the grammatical object of the sentence. You should instead end it with a comma if the end of the quote isn’t the end of the larger sentence. The comma after “here” is just an incidental correction.
Compare to how you did it here:
“T-thank for the band-aids.” With that[…]
This is fine because “With that” starts a different sentence.
Alex's gender
Alex is referred to as “they” for most of the intro, but the third page says:
You are totally caught off guard at her statement. Is she calling you cute?
It seems as though Alex was meant to be non-binary or just of unknown gender, but is called female for two sentences. I suppose that’s an error.
I might get around to putting in every minor mistake, but the ones above stick out to me.
Criticisms:
Use of dialogue
You could stand to use more dialogue. Maybe it’s subjective on my part, but I find it easier to stay engaged when the story is relayed through in-character dialogue rather than through the narrator. That is, rather than writing:
Alex says it looks perfect on you and matches you perfectly.
You could instead use Alex’s voice directly:
“It matches you perfectly,” Alex tells you.
I just find that more elegant.
That’s all I’ve got for now. I tried to focus on systematic changes that I think you should make rather than every incidental typo. The reason I felt the need to make these points is not because what you’ve got so far is bad, just because your story is in such early stages.
