I’ve been noticing a bit of inconsistent grammar and punctuation… Should I tell you everything that needs changing, or do you want to go over it yourself?
1 Like
I’d be happy to hear your thoughts and the stuff you find out of place!
… mainly because I’m working alone and I have so much on my desk to work with…
So yeah, if it doesn’t trouble you much, please do! I would appreciate it VERY much! It helps keep me focused on the priority of work… Any grammar inconsistencies, punctuations, continuity errors, and just normal nitpick stuff would be VERY helpful…
grammar inconsistencies, punctuations, typos and such will be worked on in OPERATION: “Refining Narrative”
Have a great day! = )
The majority of this is played as the crowd control.
Just a quick apology about how out of order this is: I went through the story multiple times just to catch stuff.
You point your shotgun away. For a second, The kid starts to relax a bit… Then you grab his collar and drag him over and across the counter and drive his skinny body to the ground… The poor kid tumbles and rolls on the ground from the sheer throw you gave him. You kick him a little then point your gun to his forehead and screamed “WHERE THE HELL ARE THE OTHERS?!”
((Keep everything in one tense- and consider revising passage for simplification))
You hear a door opening behind you, you turn around and you see the other 2 staff member standing in the isle between the toilet papers and the diapers, one of them is a woman in her early 20s, the other’s an old man, old enough to be your grandpa… You march your way to them, shotgun pointed, shell in the chamber, intention to rob.
((Consider revising first sentence, too many 'you’s - follow the writing rule that for all numbers from zero through one hundred, they should be written out, even if they are followed by a thousand (ex. zero thousand), however you may use numerals for most numbers beyond one hundred.
Eager to go in there, the crew makes small talks and your boss recalls the plan as they wait.
((Consider revising ‘small talks’ to ‘small talk’.))
The plan is simple; it needed a Shotty, a Smiley, a Chains, and a Leadfoot…
Basically means; The Crowd Control, The Gunman, The Mechanic, and The Driver.
((Consider changing ‘Basically means’ to ‘In other words’))
I was always good with handling crowd.
((Revise ‘handling crowd’ to either ‘handling crowds’ or ‘crowds’
About 3 weeks ago, you were called by your best friend Mouse, your personal informant, that there was an opening for a can opener job on a gas station store, His name wsa Kaidan Joy, and they needed someone who knows how to control a crowd and make people do things they don’t want to. Given your con-filled backgrounds, he picked you without a second of hesitation…
((Consider changing can opener job to something more straightforward, as well as changing ‘on a gas station store’ to ‘in a gas station store,’ but preferably just ‘in a gas station." - Change ‘wsa’ to ‘was’ - Change the punctuation from ‘gas station store, His name’ to ‘gas station store. His name’ - Revise ‘someone who knows’ to someone who knew’ in order to keep everything in the correct tense - Consider changing ‘a second of hesitation’ to ‘a second’s hesitation’
The plan is simple. When the cashier is about to take his shift change, away from the silent alarm beneath the counter, the Picard (the one who planned it all), acting as the Leadfoot, drives the team from the hiding spot straight to the front of the store.
The rest of the team gets out and into the store. Shotty must keep the shotgun aimed ready at the cashier keeping him away from the cash register
((Consider connecting the two paragraphs as there is no reason to make a new one, and revise the bolded sentence for clarity, and the sentence after for too many repeating words))
While Smiley (That’s you) and Chains breach into the back door with a crowbar and a circular saw ready. You must then confront the manager and make him open the cage which inside holds 2 metal safes
((Add comma after the '(That’s you) - Consider changing the bolded sentence to ‘Chains breach the back door with a crowbar, keeping a circular saw ready.’ - Change the second phrase highlighted to ‘cage holding the two metal safes.’
Which then Chains must use the handheld circular saw that’s modified to easily cut through the safes IF the manager does not have the combination and key to the safe.
((Consider changing to 'Chains must then use the circular saw, modified to open locks easily, IF the manager does not have the keys or combination to the safe. - Consider merging sentence into previous paragraph))
Once the safe is opened, Chains will load the money into the bags then go out, into the car with the rest, and drive away with the money to the rendevous point where the money will be distributed. Sounds like a lot of work for just a convenience store right? You should’ve seen their faces when Picard told them that the total take was about $3.700 …each…
((Consider removing comma between ‘out’ and ‘into’. - Consider removing bolded portion - Change spelling of rendevous to rendezvous - Consider splitting paragraph at the end of the first sentence.))
You were only called and told to meet behind an abandoned apartment building in a courtyard. Upon arriving, 3 masked robbers were waiting. And They, like you, were all wearing black ski masks.
((Change ‘You were only’ to ‘Only you were’ - make ‘They,’ in the last sentence not capitalized))
(((Can’t do any more tonight, will continue tomorrow (Only if you want me to))))
2 Likes
@Uniqueth
Wow… Thank you very much!.. at this point I’m gonna have to start paying you to point out the flaws on how I make my tuna sandwich…
Really, like… Wow, you’re awesome! I can’t thank you enough. And I’m terribly sorry for your troubles going through all this… Wow…
Yeah, I’m gonna be working like a steam engine today… Thanks @Uniqueth! this really helps me in refining the narratives… Hell, you’re a better help than my previous editor!
You go get some rest now… I don’t wanna tire you out. I can’t thank you enough for doing this. Have a great day!
= )
1 Like
Quick Poll
I wanna know what you all think of the 3 origin stories that I’ve provided.
Which do you like the most?
- -The Vigilante
- -The Hardened Criminal
- -The Detective
0 voters
All origin stories each has a secondary branch they can choose to transfer to mid game or right before the end of the game…
The Vigilante and The Hardened Criminal both have the same secondary branch as “The Informant” but there’s variations depending on which origin you start out with
The Detective has 2 secondary branch as either “The Dirty Cop” or “The Cop Turned Robber(Still working on a better name)” but unlike the first two origin story, The Detective can only transfer before the end of the game,
As the work their way up, they may choose to develop sympathy for the robbers, or vice versa. And that’s how I determine my ending… so far, there’s a total of 6 endings with 1-3 variations per ending…
6 Likes
[Details=Just minor inconsistencies, and a dash confusion on my part] 
The elderly fellow called me ‘Young man’. At first, it felt a wee bit preordained(?) since the protagonist’s sex has yet to be determined at that point. But I thought, it’s probably the old sport’s sight failing him, so… yeah.
Then I saw this, and it gave me the impression that people may actually see me as a woman 
lol, so is that bit with the old man in the grocery store deliberate, or not?
I mean the whole deteriorated sight could only extend so far. Late in the game the players are given choice to pick which body size would satisfy each our own criteria; the first two (IF female:) the anorexic one, and the lean & fit one; those could pass for dude, what with the small breasts and probably the not enough fat thing.
Now, I just feel like I’m nitpicking 
Yeah, I got fixated on the old guy, you could just ignore the whole rambling.
The next few images are just a few discrepancies with Mouse’s gender. (Edwin)
I chose the male version, but ‘she’ pops up from time to time.
There’s also that part when the player is asked to leave the gun given you after the successful robbery (I forgot to take a picture). I left it at the cabinet, and after Al’s store scene, there’s that narrative that took to account all the things you had on your person. I remember it including a gun tucked at the back, then I got confused because it was supposed to be at the protag’s house. After that bit, it goes on with slick hair, and italian mafia(?) or was it mob.
It made me wonder if it’s a spare gun, or just a bit of an error.
So is all I’d point out. I love BREACH. I can’t wait for the conclusion of the jail break, and uncovering all the cloak and dagger shit that may actually be going on in the background.
[/Details]
Anyways, I’m cheering for you, dude! You did great!
1 Like
Hey! I like the game so far, and the humor is very funny and the fourth-wall break was great! Has a lot of potential. There were some inconsistencies I noticed. In the prologue, you’re referred to as male, even when you haven’t stated your gender. Also, I think that the weight classifications are off. I described myself as a hugely muscular female and it placed me as 108 lbs. I also wanted to know how long do you plan on making this story.
1 Like
UPDATED!
DEVELOPMENT LOG#7
(14-Aug-2016)
- Added the first half of the other half of the precinct escape…
- Fixed Event Randomizer skipping story counts
- Fixed Chains and Shotty continuity error…
- Fixed naming issue (hopefully?)
- Fixed Mission Share not setting share properly
- Completed! OPERATION: Refining Prologue
- OPERATION: Refining Narrative (42%)(Prioritized)
- OPERATION: Precinct Escape (72%) (Story Progression)
- OPERATION: MC vs Narrator (19%) (Halted)
4 Likes
@ab2wus
Thank you for the cheer! if there’s still some inconsistencies and confusion, LEMME KNOW!
@SoulsOfTheDamned
I’m not finding the part where you’re refered to as a male… could you please clarify? Also… the weight is in Kilograms… I’m terribly sorry, I don’t work well with the imperial system… I’ll make some clarifications later on! Sorry for that!
Also, I’m planning on making the story until it’s finished for as long as I can still use my hands! If some freak accident happens I’ll let you know! or not, because I wouldn’t be able to write then…
But if you’re referring to how long the game will be… Well… it’s quite complicated because I want to make a good story, not that short but not that long either… but VERY, VERY branched… giving the MC lot’s of choices, lots of plans, etc…
So yeah… it’s hard to write something to branched, and it’s a great bloody pain in the arse to code it… but nevertheless! I shall finish what I started!
1 Like
Oh. I posted questions on my last response. Did you see it?
1 Like
@ab2wus
Oh yeah! I’m terribly sorry, I forgot that you can click on the expand button to see the rest of the message! Right, I’ll get to that in a second
And @SoulsOfTheDamned… I found that prolouge gender mishap, thanks @ab2wus!
1 Like
@ab2wus
Alright, so I’m fixing most of the stuff you said… If there’s anything else’ that feels out of place, it’s quite possibly an error on my part… 
And it’s fine, I don’t mind nitpickings, and I love rambling. Actually, I would love people to nitpick the hell out of my story… of course it takes the fun away, but I would wanna know just how crazy I can make the story without it being too weird… 
I can’t seem to recreate the part where you leave the gun, but is set as kept later on… could you tell me what you did? or maybe I fixed it in the update…
Anyways… Thank you for suggestion having a lean & fit female body being able to con as a male… that would sure be one hell of a feature later in the story… 
Hopefully I fixed most of the stuff you said. Thank for the nitpicking! (That wasn’t sarcasm, that was genuine gratitude 
) It actually helps fix the little things…
Because that’s what I love… the little things… it’s always the little things, that makes up the big things… so Thank You!
1 Like
… I was thinking about posting the plotline here… but that would VERY much so spoil the story…
should I?
I’d just work on it as you have been. The concept itself sells the story…
Discovery is part of what makes these stories better then normal novelettes.
3 Likes
Alright, thanks then!
Well, I’ve finished the plotline of the story… so, if anyone wants to know the whole story and spoil the whole game, feel free to PM me!
1 Like
I did numerous playthroughs to pinpoint what’s causing the pistol scene even when left at home. At first I thought it was because of the mustang, but nawh, even with success I still got it. Choices I made up to that point was: I took the Crowd Control path; Kept any of my party from dying; Chose Edwin not Aveline; Gave Mouse the extra 50 off the cut; Drank Crococade(?); Chose Hardened Criminal; Didn’t steal the Mustang (but did numerous playthroughs of failed carnapping, and a successful one; no effect,) intervened with the robbery at Al’s. That’s it.
I did get a scene when the pistol didn’t appear, but I’m not sure if it’s a glitch, or just as it should be since I didn’t see the narrative about being italian on it. I think it got triggered when I got a 20 or at least a higher number than 15 or 17(?) off a dice roll when trying to steal the car.
Anyways, I’m glad I could help 
2 Likes
Loving the game man, pls keep it up,
And that Achievement Hunter reference had me in tears, (sry don’t have any thing smart to say but just wanted to say great game so far)
2 Likes
@ab2wus
I can’t seem to find it… I did your path, and I still don’t know what it is you’re talking about… Could you please copy and paste it the part you’re talking about for me? it works fine for me…
He drops it on the table and the gun clanks on the metal table as it slides to you.. close enough for you to reach and grab it... "The M9 Baretta, ... Serial number was scratched off, but again, those forensics boys love a challenge.. in the end we found that the gun was registered to.. the one and only, Kaidan Joy.." the man leans forward with a smile.
The woman walks up to him and says "We found the gun inside your apartment.. How did Kaidan's pistol ended up there?"
@DJNIKOLDO
Thank you! I’ve been wondering for someone to say it! There’s gonna be a ton of references and easter eggs in the whole story… And I’m pretty sure most of them are from Rooster Teeth’s Achievement Hunter and other video games…
Did you find the GTA V Heist reference? or did you only say that for the “LLLLLLLET’S PLAY!”? Either way, I’m having fun planting little easter eggs here and there…
4 Likes
At first I thought the lllllets play was a coincidence. But then the mogar and the heist came up I realised what was going on 
1 Like
Until their next Heist video, the Achievement Hunter Bone crew is considered KIA… so don’t expect them to appear in this universe… but do expect more easter eggs and references… (Hell I don’t think they’d actually pull off any heist in this universe… considering their track record of failed heists)
2 Likes