Hello everyone ! I’ve been lurking on this forum for a few years, and I always wanted to try and write a story here, to share with you.
And today is the day !
Ballad of a shooting star
You play as a mercenary who had a single task, which you messed up.
Now you are hunted by your old friends and by your former employers. And your only hope to survive is to protect a child chosen by a prophecy and bring them to his kingdom’s capital.
Of course because it can never be so easy, the country is at war and the only thing mythical about this child for now is the size of his ego and his ability to attract chaos.
What is planed
Raise a Chosen One and try to shield them from the brutalities of war.
A few romanceable characters and more hook-ups.
Trying to not be strangled by and/or not to strangle your party members
A ballad in three verses, or three books
I’m still working on them so a lot can change, but I plan on having at least two males and two females options, available to all genders.
I will update this section as soon as I am sure who they will be.
I would really love to have your opinions and your advices, especially since this is my first time writing something this big in english, which is not my native language.
Please tell me if I used any words or any expressions incorrectly or weirdly, or if some sentences are strange.
Okay, I’m a bit scared and I really hope that you will find it enjoyable but here is the demo.
- 19/08/20 : Prologue and Chapter one
- 09/11/20 : Improvements to Chapter one
Hm… Intersting story. I wonder in what extend we can raise the child ? There is no story about player become a mentor, so I am looking forward to this story.
No need to be scared. Just finished it and found it very enjoyable. I am interested in the lore of the world and the characters seem to be pretty likeable. I am reallyyy curious about what the chosen one will be like, tbh. Something that I found a little jarring was the change from " to -. It happened sometimes during dialogue and i found it distracting. Try to stick with one if you can.
Well written, I say, flows easy – off to a good start. Will definitely keep an eye on this one, will be interesting to protect The Chosen One for once rather than being them and see where it goes.
I love story and how you made it Chamallow
There is error when I choose thief job
Flashback line 182: It is illegal to fall out of a *choice statement; you must *goto or *finish before the end of the indented block.
Thank you all for your feedbacks and kind words !
I get rid of the - and the error should be fixed
Is there any moment where you wanted to be able to say something or do something that was not an option ?
Once again, thank you !
Well, the way I played (rather shy and gentle) it did feel a bit out of character to be, hmm, suddenly rude after you had no questions, as I avoided being too ‘in his face’ – the part about accidents. I understand you need and want to steer your story, but it felt out of place.
And the options after, ‘baby-sit’, ‘know how to fight’ and ‘want to come’ followed suit, felt all a bit more ‘in your face’ than I had played up until then. Maybe something along ‘There’s always a risk’ or a small, knowing smile and a light shrug? Not sure, just a thought.
Oh, and – this might just be me – I always feel ‘more at home’ if I can pick my gender early, it helps ‘ground me’ in the world. Unless you have a spot in mind for it, perhaps towards the beginning when we get guard duty of the beer?
I will modify the questioning, and add some options in the next update ^^
I was a bit at loss as to how add the gender fluidly, but I think you are right, I can make it work at the beginning
Yeah, it’s always tricky how and where to put in these things, I’d say.
Glad I could provide some helpful feedback. Can’t wait to see where you will take us in this world of yours.
story premise is interesting. that’s it. too soon to tell anything else.
mc remind me some old anime character “balsa the spearmaster” bodyguarding a prince of empire while on the run. iirc the prince also some chosen one who can channel some spirit but also fated as the king’s fall. hence the king seek to kill him.
i’ll bookmarked this for now
One thing I noticed, you need to capitalize your stats. But that’s a very minor thing, and your English is fantastic. Keep up the good work!
I really liked this so far! Can’t wait to read more of it
The protect chosen one seems like a Geralt and Ciri type situation, which I of course love!!!
First of all very interesting. Secondly every once in awhile when reading it would say “Next Chapter” instead of “Next”. It did this multiple times throughout the book.
One thing that I noticed (not really upsetting, but it’s everywhere) is that before you typed marks, like question marks, or comma, you’d put space before them. You should put space after them, not before them that’s what I know.
From “Don’t look so gloom dear ! You are thinking again aren’t you ? Told you…”
To “Don’t look so gloom dear! You are thinking again aren’t you? Told you…”
And I think it should be “You are thinking too much again” or “You’re overthinking things again”
But as you can see I’m not a native speaker either so…
Hello everyone, thank you so much for your patience and your kind words.
I updated the chapter one and added the option to pick your gender earlier, please let me know what you think of it. And as last time tell me if there are errors, grammatical or other, and if you feel like some options are lacking.
Next update should be the end of this chapter.
@AMER1CANN1NJA09 When it displays “Next Chapter” it is because it passed to another text file. I tried to make some changes so now it should only display “Next”
@dkdladmsdoslap Putting a space before a mark is how I’ve been taught in school, it’s really interesting all the differences there are between languages even when written. But I would rather leave it this way for now, and go back later in more advanced stage to edit it. Sorry.
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