Oh, I can’t wait to read more 
runs to the update I’m coming!!
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Thanks for the update. When are we going to get the story behind Valia’s dislike for the PC
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Maybe the dislike has something to do with MC’s brother
when both Valia and MC get angry at each other at the summer house she tells MC that they’re a leech. So maybe she thinks we are leeching off of our brother, his magic or his fame. Or she is jealous that MC and their brother are magic imbued twins.
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Wowwwwww this is actually good nice fleshed out story … I mean it has a direction keep it up I can’t wait for the other ROs I like Lucenis who wouldn’t like a gentle n soft hearted pardnerrr 
haha, also I think I might know who the secret RO is izzzz it the Archmage??? The twins employer??? 
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I don’t know how to put, the main character doesn’t seem like a main character.
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Could we have a choice on if we are the older or younger twin?
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The mc has basically lost their power in an accident in a fight so everyone else is trying to protect us. It’s still not entirely clear what our twin was researching but somehow it involved the Mc. We’ll probably have more influence later
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If you play as someone who’s more or less numb to everything, and “doesn’t care” about the situation, you might find flavor text that feels a little forceful in implying the MC is the/a main character, and will operate as such no matter how removed you’re trying to play around the plot. The other characters have to be able to stand on their own, and be interesting characters in their own right, or the MC becomes a crutch to the plot, and that wouldn’t be interesting to read at all given the dire nature of the MC’s condition, combined with what we have already learned about the world they reside in.
In terms of actual feedback for this project, there are a few standout details that have me raising a brow. Only because they are set one way, and not inclusive of some pretty major decisions the player could have made regardless of the vision of the plot.
Highlights, and screenshots to show what I mean, even if these never change, I do want to share a different angle based on the players’ possible choices within the scope of the thus far current version of the WIP.
This one is more a personality nitpick than anything, so less important, but the choice I have marked is the one I always select, but not in the way the game interprets it on the following page.
See, the twin gets argumentative in response, but I pick that choice very specifically to say “Hey, that sounds dangerous. Maybe don’t do something that’s gonna hurt you? For dad, if not me?” But no, apparently being concerned is “picking a fight”. 
Moving on to the real meat of concern.
This choice currently seems impotent to the events that follow.
What I mean is that when Mrs Rivers goes to give MC a bonus “for fun at the festival”, MC doesn’t counter after trying to refuse the bonus by saying they aren’t going to attend/would rather not attend because it is more noise/stimulation than MC cares for. Which… Does beg why they were there at all in the scene where MC’s twin finds them, but that’s likely extra stuff you have set aside for later, so much as I may roll my eyes at my MC’s current inconsistency, I do understand that it is a lot of work to add a single-use specilized fork to anything every time it comes up.
Didn't our C.O. imply this was a temp situation? Repainting to make the place semi-nice for the next inhabitants works for me, though.
Just noting that some MC’s may not care to personalize a space that they know isn’t permanent, despite the two years elapsed.
I'm personally happy with this, but I can see a few readers latching on, and getting a complex over it.
I’m looking forward to the “offroad” options when they arrive, but did try one of the ‘stick with it’ options meanwhile. So I do have a little bit more feedback for this path, such as it is.
For someone who hates the noise of festivals, I'm not sure I can agree with this passage. Fundamentally, anyway.
Eyebrows. They are raised. XD
MC hears funny noise. Goes to quietly wake up twin. Leaves weapon that was previously in their hands behind for some reason. I–as much as the Sun is the only path that brings MC closest to being more brains than brawn–making it my preference–they were still a soldier in the context of the story. MC can absolutely still surrender (it’d be my personal pick every time, as it happens) but it seems a little silly to leave it behind when it could be something manageable like some lone wild dog, or something. MC doesn’t know 'til the thugs show themselves. 
I contest this statement. Humorously, but also serious.
This is somewhat particular to the choices I made thus far, so there is a grain of salt to be had, but my point still stands pretty stark. I mentioned picking the path of the Sun, so you can see my MC already preferring magic over physicality in that way.
And for plot reasons: Bad wounds that had MC very weak, and bedridden for a long time, and then working to reach a basic level of health/mobility for an even longer time after since that is a drawn process no matter who you are.
Followed up by: The active choices the player could make. I never once chose an option about improving my MC’s physical strength being more bookish, and non-violent about things. On top of this, other choices I picked had my MC very burnt about life in general, and sees no point to it…so far. (Plot of this story looks as though it might gradually make my MC want to get up, and do stuff via player input, so I’m looking forward to seeing if I can have a believable evolving character. 
) At this point, if anything, MC and their twin should actually be very similar in build, and general strength, even if the twin hasn’t moved so much in years prior to the current events in the story, he also had every day life to contend with between the days spent on the research project with the archmagister.
Tracking that as a variable would need at least one pretty big change though, so I wouldn’t worry about implementing it any time soon. It’s just important to note that the wording here doesn’t work for all instances of MC’s players can make for the reasons I’ve mentioned.
All of that being said, you probably noticed a sprinkling of what I was enjoying about the WIP you’ve got here mixed into all that. It’s all true. I think what you have going is pretty awesome, and if players can have the ability to play an MC done with everything kinda slowly waking up to what they can live for, becoming a participant by player choice, oh you’ll have something uniquely wonderful! The characters are diverse, and as I’ve already said, do a good job standing on their own, even in context to the MC, and the players’ choice of how things are between their MC’s, and these fleshed out people. Take your time, and have fun exploring how you want to present your story!
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Absolutely loved this WIP. It’s kinda interesting it’s a fantasy setting, but overall theme about your character feels like a sort of modern combat vet PTSD feel, with loss of magic serving partly as a metaphor for getting burned out. It’s hinted that your character was seriously suffering from trauma from his service even before the “incident”.
One thing I wanted to ask:
Am I undesrtanding correctly that MC’s old squad was killed with only the captain as a survivour? Will we see more of them in the flashbacks? It seemed like MC has some important connection with them,
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I’d say either in chapter 2 or 3 (though the latter is more likely).
Oooooh, theories. I love it! 
Actually, I originally wanted to have that choice in the game, but being an absolute noob at coding, I decided against it in the end. I might implement it in the future, no promises though. 
Thank you! I’m really happy to hear that you like Lucenis, he deserves all the love he can get. As for the secret RO: I’m sorry to disappoint you, the Archmagister is not a RO. But you have successfully made me second-guess myself, because had you asked me a day ago if I would ever romance the guy, I would have given you a firm no. Now? I’m not so sure. 
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Yes, there was a mission that went wrong and only the MC, the captain and one more member (Delos) survived. Delos was hurt pretty badly and the MC was told to take a vacation.
I always thought of the team and the MC like a little found family that has been through a lot together, so even though they might be very different personality-wise, they are able to understand each other like no one else. You will see them all in some flashbacks for sure, because I have a soft spot for them.
I would say that at this point, you really aren’t the main character - you’re just being dragged around because of other people’s problems. And yes, people are also trying to protect the MC.
But don’t worry, with what’s coming next, things are going to change very soon. 
Thank you for the detailed feedback, I really appreciate it!
As to some of your points:
I’ll try to add an option that’s less likely to start an argument, but the MC’s brother was always a bit prickly when he was younger.
I’ll be honest with you, I completely forgot that choice was there. Thank you for pointing it out, I’ll definitely go back to it and see what can be done about it; and along with it, the conversation you have with your brother in chapter 1.
I think I’ll go back and rewrite that bit a little, it might not be clear enough. Firstly, the MC’s been sitting there for a while, so I don’t think they’ve been holding on to their weapon all that time. And secondly, it’s not that they get up to wake their brother because of the noise, it’s simply because they want to sleep. Only when they’re about to shake the twin awake do they hear something.
I don’t know, it made sense in my head when I wrote it, but sometimes my brain just goes poof, so… Let me know what you think.
Anyway, thank you all so much for taking the time to comment!
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Does the twin have ro too?
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There might be something in store for him But not a choice of multiple ROs like the MC (if that’s what you meant).
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… I#m really unsure in regards to Valia because, while her story may be interessting at the moment she is too unlikeable for me to care. First impressions are important after all and while the mystery about her sudden change in behaviour is a hook it also revolves around the character herself, Valia, who is, shall we say… meh. And at worse on a “you suck valia” level.
Maybe so, but we don’t know enough about the MC’s personal history to say for certain she’s just being a jerk for no reason.
It does feel that way with some choices we can make as players, and I definitely run into that “how is your attitude even justified?” feeling myself based on how I’m shaping my MC’s personality, but I do also acknowledge that Val’s specialty is something along the lines of being something like a Surgeon General (big boss medic), and MC has, and does have, the capacity to demonstrate irresponsibility about their personal well-being among other things. I think any annoyance she feels in response is at least a tiny bit justified there, even if the attitude itself happens before a lot of the fallout we still don’t have a full picture of took place, and the “unhealthy” MC is a player’s active short-term choice.
Plus, there’s nothing wrong with a high ground approach to your dealings with her if she doesn’t want to sit down, and explain her pov.
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Yeah, and that’s a valid opinion. Personally, I am a bit biased when it comes to the characters because they are all my babies, but I understand how Valia can be a difficult character to be fond of (at this point). She comes off as rude and uncaring and, as you said, her personality kind of sucks, so that may be a bit off-putting to some people.
I can only say that her anger is not all there is to her personality and maybe as the story goes forward, you’ll start liking her more.
And if not, hopefully the other characters will prove more enjoyable to talk to.
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Demo Update: 11 July 2023
NAME CHANGE! (previously A Rhapsody in Blue) Because of this, you will unfortunately have to start a new game.
Find out what life has in store for you in the final part of chapter one.
Features:
- 9k words of content
- updated codex
- minor rewrites to some previous scenes
- set off to meet the king
- have a blast at the hunting grounds
- suffer in style
- (and maybe get a peek at some new characters??)
Follow the link NEW DEMO in the main post. Enjoy
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This title is a lot better then the old one no offence. Even if part of this update is revisiting one content I don’t mind. Just keep up the good work
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No offence taken I also think it’s a much better name, hence the change.
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This is great to see again after so long
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