Abraxas, The End of All Things (COMPLETE) (Horror)(Looking for Beta Testers)

[birchflower]

Hi there! I just want to say congratulations on getting to beta! So many projects never get this far, and it’s really sad. That being said, I have a few critiques for you. I want to be as helpful as possible, so I hope this doesn’t come across as harsh. I only read a little while before I ran into a gamebreaking bug that refused to let me interact with the window anymore, so I’m just commending on the game up until your party almost reaches the village. TL;DR and overall thoughts at the bottom.

I’m excited to see where you go with this project!

–

Overarching Comments:

1. Firstly, I think the writing style is very unpolished. In my opinion, you could benefit strongly from an editor or two who can help you make your prose more engaging. My main issues are that a) your sentence structure/word choice is very repetitive and b) there are a lot of grammatical problems that hinder readability (which I know you’re aware of). Overall, it feels to me like you treat your prose as a vehicle to reach important story beats, as opposed to an art form in itself. There is a wealth of opportunity for evocative imagery and enjoyable character banter and rich worldbuilding in fantasy worlds, and I would love to see you take advantage of those opportunities more in your prose.

2. I find the flow of the story rather confusing. You’re in the river Styx, and then you wake up in some unidentified field(?) and then you’re in an alley (?), and then a tavern, and then on the road with a quest before the reader has any idea what’s hit them. It happens so fast that you completely lost me. I had to read it three or four times before gathering that you already know the companions, I think, and you’re a mercenary (?). I cannot follow the timeline. I know you’re trying to get into your plot, but I think that the set-up is a super crucial time to get your readers acclimated to the setting, characters, relationships, and stakes.

3. Exposition is a really important part of any story – the fact that your story launches straight into its inciting incident without establishing characters, setting, relationships, or anything makes it really confusing to me. Your readers should be able to just open your “book” and understand what’s going on without reading your FAQ or Features tab. I could not do this. I don’t have a grip on the setting, what’s supposed to be happening, why it’s happening, or who the PC is supposed to be. This ties back into my comment about acclimatizing the reader to the characters – if I don’t know who these people are (especially the PC, who I hope we get to customize/name/etc eventually!), then it’s hard to care about them.

4. I noticed a ton of recurring grammatical errors. Again, this is something an editor could help you with better than I can, since I don’t want to flood you with notes like ‘missing apostrophe here,’ ‘replace with colon,’ and ‘unclear phrasing.’ I know you’re aware of this, but I want to emphasize the issue – as an avid reader, I find that it makes it difficult to read a work when the grammar is glaringly incorrect or confusing, and I’m a bit concerned that these errors made it all the way to beta.

5. I think your prose could benefit from more strategic and creative formatting – more paragraphs, italics, line breaks, etc. Adding things like that to emphasize important parts of the text can make your prose far more visually engaging to readers.

6. This kind of ties into the previous note. Important story beats are buried in walls of text or glazed over, while other seemingly inconsequential things are given their own paragraph, which lead to some confusion for me. The initial conversation with the merchant seems really important – why is it just hurriedly summarized in retrospect? And, conversely, you repeatedly keep bringing attention to the burnt meat for a couple pages. I think the “screen time” needs to be given more to the important details of your plot and setting, as opposed to minor things like breakfast.

What I would love to see more of is your setting, as well as your characters and their relationships. Who are these people? Why are they living on the street? Where – and when – are they? Do they know each other? Are they childhood friends? Coworkers? Dating? What are their personalities like? Are they resentful of their lot in life? Do they find vagabonding restrictive or freeing? Why should I care about them?

–

Specific Comments:

1. This may be a weird nitpick, but at the very beginning, you refer to “Hyades.” Do you mean Hades? Because later on the same page, you allude to the River Styx, and if this is a Hellenistic setting, it may be relevant for you to know that the Hyades are already figures in Greek mythology. They’re a bunch of nymphs that make rain.

2. When you wake up, the narrator refers to “your companions” without establishing prior that you have companions. This confused me a bit, and I went back to see if I missed a mention or explanation of them. I think maybe mentioning, “You notice a number of people in the room(? abandoned building? field?) with you” or something like that would make the sudden mention of companions less jarring. On the same note, you use the word “companions” a lot, but this loops back around to a lack of variability in sentence structure and vocabulary.

3. I also ran into a bug here:
   

   

–

End Notes

I think this story has a lot of potential! From what I gather, it’s an adventure story that at some point dives into horror, and genre subversion like that is always welcome in my book. My recommendation would be that you get an editor to help you correct your grammar and polish your writing to make it more engaging and clear. I think that would really help with most of my issues. I would really love to see this project succeed; the foundation seems really interesting and I’m looking forward to seeing where you go next!

[Wannabe_Human]

Okay, I would like to start by saying that I genuinely appreciate your feedback, and the way you took the time to write your thoughts out in such a manner. I’ll try to go through your points one by one.

1. This is exceptionally interesting to me (indeed, it caused me to get out of bed three hours early so I could work on composing a response), because in all of my years of writing I have NEVER once recieved this complaint. I don’t wish to sound like a braggart, but I am almost constantly and unanimously praised for my detailed descriptions and engaging prose. In fact, that is generally considered the strongest aspect of the story. Are you familiar with the likes of T.H White and H.P Lovecraft? For my style is generally likened to a combination thereof. I’d agree that the intro is a bit weak (if you don’t like cosmic surrealist indulgences, that is) but it should pick up once you get to the village. Still, could you bring up specific passages that you didn’t enjoy? Or was it the entirety of the story thus far?
   Addendum regarding character dialogue: Yes, this is my weakest point. However, most people would argue that is at least serviceable. Furthermore, it isn’t the focal point of the story, as cosmic beings tend to not care about the trifling concerns of man.

2. I am curious to see why you thought you were in the River Styx. Is it because I used the phrase ‘stygian’? In this instance I was using the literary definition; that is, “very dark”. You are not in the River Styx at all, but it should be strongly implied that you are at the beginning of all creation. This is made exceptionally clear if you choose to reach out, but should be easy enough to discern regardless. Upon reflection as I reread, it seems to be even more obvious if you elect to ‘shudder’. Anyway, this whole thing is a dream sequence as denoted by the italics.
   Then you awaken in a field, yes. The tale beginning en media res, so to speak. And as you eat, your mind wanders to how you got here, as denoted by the label reading ‘What has happened?’ This sets off a minor flashback detailing how this journey began. A merchant brings you from the alleyway you were resting in to a tavern and offers you your job. The first line indicates that you are indeed a wayfarer(which can be interchangeable from mercenary in some fantasy worlds, so I’ll concede this point). Then, after selecting ‘the first day of the journey’, still in flashback as denoted by the tenses, you meet your two traveling companions for the first time. Here we are treated to a mild description of them, as this is your character’s first time meeting the two. And then with a simple line reading ‘and that is where you are now’ we are back in the present. You are not the first to be confused at this inital segment; out of my 12 or so beta testers on the other website, one other person mentioned slight confusion at the beginning. Thus, this one may be on me.

3. This ties in to the previous point, somewhat. Exposition does indeed take place, just in a slightly anachronistic order. You mentioned somewhere in this wall of (nicely formatted!) scathing critique that you are an avid reader; it occurs to me that you possibly allowed your preconceived notions of traditional story formatting to prevent you from fully understanding this, and your eyes may have glazed over upon the information not being where you expected it to be.
   Reading the tabs are not necessary; most people are familiar with medieval fantasy.
   This relates to the overall theme of the tale. There is an intentional disconnect between the reader, the character, and the other companions. You have never met them, there is no reason to care about them, and whoever the player character is or once was is ultimately irrelevant in the grand context of things. Building off of that theme, the player character remains nameless and without description throughout. This is a stylistic choice; you aren’t supposed to care about anybody. The universe sure doesn’t.
   (To expound upon this a little bit, let us look at some of the potential endings to the dream sequence.
   If you choose to create an Ouroboros, you get this little passage. Not going to put spoiler tags because it occurs within the first few pages.

Tendrils the color of the void erupt from your hand, and twist and writhe until they coalesce as one. The ropy mass grows the head of a serpent, and gazes dispassionately at you. You breathe the cosmic wind into it, and an eternity of stars and planets are formed in its stomach.

With terrible speed it coils around you. Its scales are vacuous and numbing,and you know that this shall be the space between the worlds, and this shall come to be known as Space. The universe is to be as cold and uncaring as a serpent.

You do not resist as it crushes you.

Here, as in many other places, the theme is laid bare. The Universe is cold and uncaring. So why should you care about the plights of these individuals you have just met? In many ways, it is a bit of a subversion from the usual fare. Once again, that may be why you dislike it.)

4. Not much to say here, other than simply agreeing with you. Of course, some of the errors are intentional. There is a little code hidden in there for people to discover, and deciphering it leads you to another website. Furthermore, in the intial dream sequence if you choose to create a God the word ‘HEavens’ appears. This is because it is a distinct entity from the Abrahamic Heaven and is moreso a monument to the God’s vanity, because every HE within that passage is capitalized. This shows self-aggrandizing.

5.Every break is intentional, though in the conversion to the COG code (this was originally written for a competition on another website) may have caused there to be less line breaks then initially intended. I’ll have to go through and check. Another one on me.

6. See, that once again goes back to the theme. What you may have percieved as important story beats are in truth entirely meaningless. The inital conversation with the merchant is nothing but the setup for you to investigate the village. Did this really need a long converation, when the main point could be summarized in a paragraph?
   Also, the charred meat is referenced for approximately 6-7 lines, and that is generously including the part where one of the companions mentions the other making breakfast.
   Something else occurs to me now. It could be that the code broke as you read it, and it caused some things to get out of order.

All of those things you mentioned ( Who are these people? Why are they living on the street? Where – and when – are they? Do they know each other? Are they childhood friends? Coworkers? Dating? What are their personalities like? Are they resentful of their lot in life? Do they find vagabonding restrictive or freeing?) don’t matter. In the grand scheme of things no one will care about any of these petty mortal contrivances. As to why you should care about them, once again I will reiterate that you shouldn’t. Although they do recieve significantly more characterization later on.
I will confess now that there is yet another reason the main trio (you and your two allies) are not the focal point, but will not reference specifics at this time.

Now, onto the specific comments!

1. Nope. I mean Hyades. This clearly stems from your inference that this takes place within the River Styx. No no, the name Hyades comes from quite the indulgence on my part. Are you, by chance, familiar with Cassilda’s Song.? There is one line from the song, in which Cassilda sings

Songs that the Hyades shall sing,

Where flap the tatters of the KIng

Must die unheard in

Dim Carcosa.
This has the benefit of both tying into the overarching theme, and heavily foreshadowing the coming events. Once again, a bit of an indulgence on my part. No relation to the Hellenistic Nymphs. OF course that should be obvious, given that they weren’t Mad God Kings as stated in the same sentence Hyades is mentioned.

2. In this instance, your character would already know these people. When the character meets them for the first time in the following flashback, that is when they are described.
   As to the repetition of ‘companions’, there is a reason for this but it would contain spoilers.

3. I have not been able to replicate this error, and cannot discern what is causing it. However, DashingDon seems to be down. This may be related to that.

If you care, I have reopened the story on its original home. So if you decide you do indeed wish to read it (and see some other reviews from my fellow competitors in the competition) follow this link.

https://infinite-story.com/story/info.php?id=19885

You don’t have to, obviously, but I do value your critique and would be interested in hearing your thoughts on the entirety of it. It isn’t that long, really, and it could benefit from your trained eye.

Thanks!

End Notes

A thousand aplogies if my rebuke sounds harsh or offends you in any way. I am truly, truly grateful for you and your time.
This story is a subversion ,yes, but of genre and narrative conventions equally. I hope you decide to read the rest of it from the link I posted, and offer some thoughts on that as well!

[birchflower]

Hey again! You don’t come off as harsh at all; I appreciate your response. I just want to respond again to your questions and clarifications and thank you for the new link. Overall, despite my critique, I really quite like your story! I love the horror stuff, and I think it could be even more impactful if you establish a status quo to then terrifyingly subvert later. It really did go absolutely batshit like RIGHT after the game broke for me the on dashingdon.

–

About the writing:

For example, in the intro, you say, “ They take no notice of you; you are unworthy of it.” This excerpt exemplifies the main issue I have with your style well: you ‘tell’ a lot, instead of showing. I think that describing something like how the universe and its beasts drift above you blind to your suffering, lounging in grand lifespans that pass in a blink of an eye without glancing your way (or something that actually fits your lore) is far more interesting than flat-out saying that you’re unworthy of their attention.

That being said, I am a big fan of “cosmic surrealist indulgences” and I love the dreams. I think your writing is absolutely at its best in the surreal sections. In general, you seem super at home with the horror imagery; its just the more grounded, slice-of-life sections like the intro conversations that seem to be a bit out of your comfort zone. It kind of clashes with the horror imagery in quality, I feel.

A couple passages that have stuck out to me similarly so far:

Examples:

‘A curious, almost thoughtful expression is painted across her face, and she fixes you with a curious gaze. “Remember Lethe? Were you there for that?” She says suddenly.’

• (Aside from the quote grammar, you describe her face twice, using the word ‘curious’ both times. I think it would be more interesting to describe what her face looks like, how her body language illustrates that she’s curious. Is she fiddling with her cloak? Are her eyes wide? Something else?)

‘Once more you insist, and she drops the issue. Her eyes become downcast, her expression disappointed.’

• (You show us her emotion briefly, and then tell us, which I feel undermines the original description. I got that she was disappointed from the downcast eyes.)

It lies on a plateau nestled between a large mountain ridge, known colloquially as the “Titan’s Spine”.

• (I can’t remember what this grammar thing is called, but the placement of the dependent clause makes it vague what exactly you’re referring to. I can assume it’s the mountains, but the structure makes it so that it could be referring to the town as well.)

There’s a section in the mines where you can ask questions or remain silent, but the remain silent option just insults you and forces you to ask. I think this breaks immersion and is kind of unnecessary.

–

About the characters again:

You make the argument that we shouldn’t care about these characters because of something like ‘cosmic beings’ and the ’trifles of man,’ but… I am not a cosmic being. I am human. I’m automatically going to try to bond with your human (or fantasy humanoid) characters. If you don’t want us to care about them, then why make dialogue trees where our PC can try to get to know them? Why even name them in the first place? It seems to me like you’re kind of in limbo between making plot devices in human form and developing three dimensional characters.

Example (blurred spoilers):

For example, when we have to choose between Aela and Hunter’s solutions to the village problem (although the story does railroad you into the mines and gloriously obliterate you either way), you can get a scene where Hunter thanks you for trusting him. It feels like this is supposed to be a bit emotional, but since we have no development of this character, it’s hard to really care. Same with their deaths. It’s hard to get the full effect of the drastic shift in tone when you have so little camaraderie with the party you see slaughtered. It’s a lot more devastating to see a friend torn apart by a beast than a stranger.

So why are they there and semi-developed in the first place if they are so unimportant to the whole second half? I feel like acclimating the reader to the “regular” setting and characters before tearing those relationships and settings and people apart with the horror stuff at the end would be far more emotionally impactful.

–

About my confusion with the intro

It was just the combo of Stygian, Hyades, and being surrounded by entities rather like the kind you would find in the Styx that lead me to think that. My brain kind of went into ‘Ancient Greek setting’ mode and then when it became clear that wasn’t what was going on, I got a bit lost. I only figured out it was a kind of D&D-type medieval fantasy by coming back to the forum page and poking around in the drop-down menus. That’s why I wanted to make sure it wasn’t a typo of Hades and was in fact an original character. And regarding the intro segment, I thought the ‘what has happened’ button was the PC saying that to Hunter and Aela, so when it started talking about a tavern, it threw me for a loop. That clarification from you definitely clears it up!

–

I’m sorry for the giant response; I really hope I’m not coming across as mean. You’ve got a really cool piece here; I genuinely really loved the horror imagery and the entire section once you get into the mines and detached from the setting. The end where you kill the Child was probably my favorite. That was super cool and super gross, even though I was disappointed that you die anyways. It reminded me of the Broodmother sequence in Dragon Age: Origins, if you’ve played that (yes it’s an 11-year-old game, and yes I will still blur that spoiler). It’s one of my favorite games, so that’s a huge compliment from me!

[Wannabe_Human]

No no, I appreciate the effort and time! It really does mean a lot to me! Don;t worry about the length of the reply; I wrote a novel’s worth in response to you.
I actually just played Dragon Age:Origins for the first time a few weeks ago. I always play warriors in RPGS, and swore that in this game I would play as a Mage. Then I found the Arcane Warrior spec, and that promise was broken.

I’m actually inclined to agree with you in regards to the passages you pointed out and my distinct tendency to ‘overwrite’. In particular, those are quite egregious. I’ll have to tidy them up a little bit.
Glad you liked the dream segments and the other horror elements! There is a drastic difference in quality, and it really illustrates my weakness as a writer to be heavily specialized in this singular aspect. I’m also inclined to blame the quality of the intro on the time constraints brought on by the competition, but that isn’t an excuse as to why I couldn’t go back and fix it now. I’ll spend some more time on the early segments, fix some of the sentence structure and poor phrasings, and maybe expand upon the characters a bit.
As to the scene you get after you choose between Hunter and Aela, I am also inclined to agree. It is quite easy to discern which aspects of the tale I focused on (middle and ending) and which I rushed through (beginning).
Concerning the intro, it shouldn’t be hard to parse the time period and genre the story takes place in, or whent the flashbacks take place. I’ll make it more clear in the text proper, so that one does not have to search a forum to figure out the setting, of all things.
That is my favorite ending as well. In this beta there are only three endings, but I’ve written seven total.

I hate to press like this (so feel no obligation to answer), but another complaint I recieved was the relevance of the dream sequences to the story. The overarching plot is essentially The villagers were influenced by the thoughts of the being underneath the town and in the mines, referred to as the Child. The Child is the fetus/baby of an ancient being known to us as the Second. The Child, being a baby, does not understand why it exists, and these thoughts leak out into the villagers. The villagers also find that they cannot rationalize why they would desire to continue life, and engage in a mass suicide..

The dream sequences are the absorbed memories of those that came before. It is implied/revealed towards the end that your character is somewhat attuned to the psychic path, and these dreams are absorbed memories.
In the first dream sequence you play as the being that, whether directly or indirectly, was responsible for the creation of the Universe and the life inside it. This sequence mainly serves to set up the Universe and establish that the Universe is cold, uncaring, and generally apathetic toward life. Also, you may have noticed that if you choose the option to “Create”, each option directly apes a theory of Creation.
The second dream sequence sees you looking through the eyes of the first being with life, hence it being referred to as the First. The First played a far more direct role in creating and shaping humanity. The First and the Second are NOT humans, but another species of life far more ancient. For a time all was peaceful, but disaster strikes when, by design or accident, tragedy strikes and First’s Lover, the Second, vanishes from this plane. This causes the First to grow detached/to despise humanity. Alternatively, he could have been trying to save them from feeling the sorrow that he felt. In the end, he kills them all, but they rebuild.
In the third dream sequence, you are in the body of the Second. The Second was wandering the far far edge of existence outside of the Universe, and is pregnant with the child of the union between it and the First. This is the Child that is found underneath the village, in the mines. That is, the one that caused the villagers to kill themselves. The Second gives birth to the Child but, one way or another, dies in the process. Humans eventually make their way to this plane. This is Earth.
The final vision is easy; you are seeing through the eyes of the Child itself. This is when you discover the reason for the death at the village. As previously stated, the Child’s thoughts and questions as to its existence bled into the minds of the villagers and when they could not come up with a satisfactory answer they either killed themselves or allowed themselves to be killed.

Is this understandable? It takes a little bit of reading between the lines, but I want it so that by the end the average reader has a relatively firm grasp of what is going on behind the scenes.

[Viking7373]

I’m getting the “not a number” error when I come back from the class room and guess at what happened in the village.

[birchflower]

Hey! Sorry; it’s been pretty wild with this whole plague thing, so I forgot to answer you, but I wanted to give my perspective about the dreams.

The understanding I had was that there was some kind of crossover between reality and some kind of fantasy or memory or something going on, but I wasn’t really exactly sure why or between whom. And I still don’t really get why the PC can absorb the memories of these gods/universes/abominations, but the others presumably can’t, aside from ‘cosmic plot device magic,’ which, no shame in that!

Also, on a related note, I don’t think I mentioned this before, but what is going on with my guy Hunter? Is he actually a wizard or was he just driven insane??

I didn’t get some of the more complex lore you explained. The first dream was clear – I got that somehow you were part of the creation of a universe (the universe?), but I didn’t know what or who you were. A god? A tentacle monster? I’m not sure if we were supposed to know, though, so that may just be me.

I also understood that you were the First in the second dream and the Second in the third, but I didn’t really follow the details of what they were – gods, I assumed, but maybe also universes or eldritch abominations or aliens?? The second half of the second dream confused me a bit as well – who/what made the Second? What are they? What was the Grievous Mistake (also, grievous is spelled as ‘grevious’ in the text)? Who are the Others – other unnamed universes/gods? How are you “casting your eyes to the Heavens” when you’re already a god in the heavens (I assumed, at least)?

In the third dream, I was just a bit confused because I thought the Second was another god/universe/abomination like the First, not (formerly) a “flesh” species or potentially a member of the race the First created?? I’m not sure. Overall, I got the general ideas of what was going on – First is a god creating the universe, ???, Second is pregnant, disappears, and dies in childbirth (or Childbirth I guess), then leaves the Child in the mines, but I got tripped up on the more intricate details and specifics, which may be irrelevant and I may be overthinking it. That is entirely possible.

Overall though, the vibes are impeccable. I keep going into my default mode of assuming it’s ‘elegant’ space stuff, clean and nice and ethereal, but then it’s actually…flesh and tentacles and other nastiness, so that always takes me off guard no matter how many times I mess it up.

[TheTruth]

The story seems linear, the choices too are limited and carries little weight
This is my honest opinion tho

[TheZod]

I have encountered an error.

[Wannabe_Human]

Hey, sorry it took me a few eons to get back to you! I’ve been avoiding the inernet for a little while. This story has recieved quite a negative response, which can be a bit disheartening.
As always, I appreciate your perspective on these things and the time it took to write it all out!
Per the PC absorbing their memories: There are a few throwaway lines and slight implications about the PC being a bit more sensitive to such psychic emanations, and the shadows of these entities’ memories linger long after the morning sun has risen.
Hunter’s true role: This is determinant on the path you choose to take. That is, whether ot nor you follow him into the mines or try to leave with Aela.
The first dream:Yes, the true identity of that creature has no particular relevance to the plot.
It is simply used to set up the recurring theme of the cold uncaring universe and how humanity has no place within it. Whichever path you chose in that dream also has a slight impact on some flavor text and ‘colors’ the story a different way.
What the First and the Second are:Eldritch abominations that have ascended above humanity. They possess great power, but are of flesh and bone. That being said, an ethereal quality also surrounds them. The Grievous (gah, what an embarrasing typo!) Mistake is an unspecified even that the First believed killed the Second. In reality, it just teleported her across dimensions to a planet that came to be known as Earth. The Others are simply a rcae of humanoid creatures, possibly humans.
Otherwise, the essential theme of it is gathered. Once again, a huge thanks for reading all of it and writing up a lovely response! I think I need to rewrite some elements of the beginning and clarify a few more obscure parts of the overarching lore.
@TheTruth
You aren’t entirely wrong. With the exception of what to investigate, who to trust, which monster to fight, and how to deal with the creature at the end (all vague to avoid spoilers) most choices simply change the overall theme or a little bit of flavor text. The intent here is not creating a grand sandbox realm where the story is a sweeping epic, but a smaller self contained tale taking place over the span of a few hours and focusing mostly on the horror aspects.
@TheZod
Thanks! That should be fixed now! On the other hand, you correctly determined the truth of what was going on! Nice job!

[Trazen4]

Your writing was excellent, reminded me of Thomas Legotti’s works a bit.
Might you be doing another game in the future?

[Wannabe_Human]

Thanks so much for the kind words! I’m not familiar with that author, but after skimming a few of his titles I can certainly see some similarities. I’ll have to investigate his work further, as it seems quite interesting!
I’m currently working on another story, titled Northern Elysian Hotel. The thread for it closed as writing has been a little bit slow, but you can read the prologue and a little bit of the first chapter here.
https://dashingdon.com/play/slimpickens/northern-elysium-hotel/mygame/

[TheZod]

First off, bravo on making a genuinely disturbing Horror fantasy novel. I couldn’t help but feel that an abominable amalgamation of Lovecraft and Junji Ito was oozing out of every paragraph.

The setting and how everything was constructed was engaging and the - albeit, evidently moderate - amount of armchair philosophy served its purpose. It all gave me a distinct Bloodborne vibe.

However I do wish there was more of a wind-up leading up to the eventual mine exploration. If there was more written about the happenings at the village, with the main cast actually conducting a more thorough investigation rather than a cursory glance that leads to a vague “Yep. Shit definitely happened” conclusion, the whole process of unearthing the mystery would be far more interesting; not only in terms of a fulfilling plot and reader engagement but it’ll flesh out the narrative overall.

Now I am going off of hypothetical musings here and providing some off-the-cuff suggestions, none of which would I pressure you to incorporate. Consider this food for thought. With that said: if during said investigation we get in contact with some survivors of the village, or even if we manage to arrive there prior to the mass killings, that would be even more ideal. Imagine placing the reader in the midst of a group of main characters slowly losing their sanity throughout the first third of the story; as they both hear horrifying stories and verify them with their own investigations. While simultaneously having your narrator prove more and more unreliable as things move along (the speed and understanding of which depending on your investigations. Nothing beats knowing you are going insane).

This, I feel, would land greater gravitas to both the plot and the philosophy that permeates said plot. It would also make for more interesting interactions between the already meagre cast members while also making their possibly untimely demise be even more distressful and heavy.

From what is there, I do like the direction. The idea of a superior, powerful entity growing disenchanted with life due to the Universe’s naturally uncaring disposition, which boils over to their progeny in the face of an identity crisis and lack of purpose due to the loss of their parental figures is a very… humane one, ironically enough. Makes for a relatable and empathetic tragedy. It, dare I say, even makes me want to know more about the First and Second and even the Child? At the very least, they intrigue me.

Bottom line is - I see potential in this story. Do not feel disheartened over harsh criticisms, we all want this to be as good as it can possibly be; which I feel it can achieve.

Good luck. May the First watch over you from the glittering void.