You are EVIL! [WIP] (4 chapters)

[Gloomcat]

I like it so far

[9GAG]

The concept is pretty unique and original and I like it but the execution of the story is very bland. For a story about being an evil person on the run it doesn’t feel that urgent story wise. In fact the first chapter was pretty boring as you’re basically forced to be a good person and you don’t do much but test your ability and fool around after getting helped by some side characters instead of a main character.

Also the themes lack depth, yes it is very unique and pretty damn good to be an evil character on the run but if you’re playing a character that has committed atrocities I would like to see more anguish and consequences on your choices in the past. The MC should either have two choices that wildly differ from each other such as being regretful and traumatized or accepting the “dark side” of the past.

The story needs more thrill and drama to make it feel like we’re actually on the run from others, the other characters should actually hate us and want to kill us and we can either be a “good guy” or a “bad guy”.

Also It feels like the story forces us to be a good person who is remorseful instead of being a true evil character or even perhaps an anti hero middle ground character?

Overall the concept is pretty unique and original but the execution is lacking and very simple, it felt like I was just being a good parent most of the time.

I would recommend the author to read The Exile as it has similar themes and executes them better in terms of having a traumatic past and dealing with the consequences. It is trickier since the MC has no memory but having some glimpses of their past can still work.

That being said I like the story so far and can’t wait for future updates

[122B]

I like it! It’s nicely written and the relationship with the girl is sweet, how we can encourage her to draw and stuff. It was brave of her to take that leap and break us out of prison. Your description of food was also really evocative, it made me hungry haha. I’m interested to see how you develop your themes, and especially how we became the evil sorcerer, and how this internal conflict is shown. It makes me think, why does anyone become evil? Are we destined to follow the same path again, because our identity is already decided?

It reminds me a bit of Frankenstein. Like the MC, the Creature was a blank slate, who could have been good. He started doing evil things because people wouldn’t accept his potential goodness, they couldn’t get past the fear and disgust. In a way, he could have tried harder to convince them, but he’s basically a child without any guidance, so he’s quite reactive.

[9GAG]

I replayed the demo and took the evil path and I’m actually quite annoyed right now. The Chapter 4 of the demo splits into two paths which is cool and you can take the good path which is pretty boring or you can take the evil path which is significantly more fun but you die at the end? Like what???

This game basically forces you to take the good boring path. The writing is pretty solid, no purple prose but the execution and direction pisses me off like actually let me be evil or an anti hero at least?

I’m not saying you should go full evil but you should have the choice to do so or at least fail to convince others that you are good and try to redeem yourself in the “evil path” of chapter 4. Like bruh really?

[Tempted_MCC]

Yeah i get what your saying. I genuinely enjoyed reading the demo but it falls short when it comes to actually letting you choose who you really are. Basically its a text-based telltale game.

[9GAG]

Yeah pretty much. Its like your choices don’t really matter and you can’t actually be evil. Again there’s nothing wrong with a linear story but it has to be on the more emotional/extreme side of things whether it be action, romance, drama, tragedy and can’t be a bland middle compromise.

This is why stories with a heavy emphasis on its chosen theme are well liked (FH for its trauma and TWC for its romance).

Stories are meant to make your emotions really feel, an example would be a very funny comedy movie. This is why adults don’t like family friendly stories or movies as they’re bland/safe af.

A perfect example would be Netflix Marvel shows vs Disney Marvel shows and their difference in theme usage.

Another issue in this story is lack of a proper pacing or plot, its pretty rushed as in each chapter you do a different thing but its very short and doesn’t explore its themes properly. The story has potential though and if done right execution wise it could be a story as good as FH with its themes.