Hello! I’m a long time lurker like many people on here and I decided to try my hand at a game. The game so far is very short and barebones (Some of the prologue, 5k words). I’m planning to update as often I can, but I am a student and my studies take up a lot of time.
Summary (subject to change):
You are an ordinary human born as either a royal, noble or commoner. You are one of six living soul fragments of an ancient wyvern imprisoned away in the confines of a magical tower. To live, you must find and collect the other soul fragments before the wyvern wakes.
The Team (RO/Friendship):
I used Artbreeder for character images, they aren’t exact character lookalikes and are in no way official art for the game. All characters are gender flippable (female, male and non-binary) and A will have the NB gender option added in the next update as well. All 4 are ROs and more are to be added.
Aster/Astor Valendil (Human, Mage)[NB option to be added in next update]
Tall, lithe, with sharp features. Short white wavy hair, ice-blue eyes, freckles and a pale complexion. A mysterious stranger who first appears in your dreams. Forward-thinking, a little blunt and mildly sarcastic. A has a sense of humour but tends to dampen it favouring professionalism. A reveals little of themselves but appears to be an ally, for now.
Yun Iseul (Inhuman, Assassin)[To be added next update]
On the short side, toned, with striking features and many battle scars. Straight long black hair, deep brown eyes and olive skin. Yun is quiet and indifferent to most things. Quite apathetic to most of the group’s inner workings. Their morality is questionable and social skills lacking. Loyal, efficient and bloodthirsty. With a sword in hand, Yun becomes unhinged, takes great pleasure in killing and is the most alive in a fight. They also tend to wander, get lost and easily be distracted by shiny things.
Carris Fletcher (Half-elf, Merchant/Weapons Supplier)[To be added next update]
Average height, plump, with soft features. Long wavy platinum hair often styled in a myriad of ways, hazel eyes like cinnamon with green specks and tawny skin with a glow. Charming, friendly, cautious. Charismatic and saccharine sweet, Carris is almost always seen smiling. Yet they possess their secrets and sometimes, around them, the air carries a chill that shivers along your spine. Carris wears many masks and you’re not certain which one is real.
Blanchet (Human, Knight)[To be added next update]
Tall, muscular, stocky built. A vibrant head of untameable copper curls, blue-ish green-ish eyes and peach skin. B is an orphaned-turned-knight with an incorrigible moral compass. Competitive, loud and athletically gifted. They are obsessed with the mythological white knight Blanche and swear to surpass his legend. B carries a war hammer called Ham they don’t part from.
Changelog (Minor Update 13/01/22)
New scene added + character customization.
Now 5k words.
Uploaded a stats screen (with some minor changes).
Tried to make it clearer about MC pov at the start (Let me know if there’s anything more confusing) since this was confusing some readers.
Minor update 15/01/22
3 more ROs added with character descriptions.
Added Character Summaries
Character Portraits from Artbreeder.
7/7/22 Minor Update!
A new scene including the birth of your character within your background.
Some changes to stats as well as new stats (Madness and Renown)
Currently, I particularly want feedback on the writing itself as it is the first game I’ve written. I want to know if it’s a game people would be potentially interested in playing and am very open to advice, especially because of how new I am to this.
That didn’t happen haha I’m sleep deprived help me
Let me congratulate you for posting your first WiP. Almost everybody here knows how hard that is.
I find the concept itself very interesting, and your writing is good and descriptive, considering that this is your first time writing IF.
However, I noticed that the game doesn’t have a Stat Screen, and it throws an error when trying to open it. Did you forget to upload the .txt file or you haven’t made a stat screen yet? If the latter, you should at least make a placeholder one and explain that you don’t have one in the original post.
Also, some typos here:
The hooded figure narrows her eyes at the nose man before promptly replying, “Yes.”
It’s “nosy”. But still… I wonder what a nose-man would look like lol (A giant nose with legs? ).
You can make out their lips moving- mostly the unnamed ranting barman- yet their lip movements come out inaudible.
I find this sentence a bit redundant. Maybe instead of yet their lips movements come out inaudible, something like yet no audible sound comes out from their mouths would be better?
Good WiP overall Will be checking for more updates
Not to be overly critical, but this is just rude and isn’t very constructive. This author has just shared their fledgling work, its only just the start of a prologue. No need to be rude about things, just keep it to yourself and don’t play
First of all, huge thanks for sharing your work. I enjoyed reading it and think that whilst you have a long way to go. It has the makings of a great interactive novel.
I noticed the stats page isn’t working, just whenever you get a chance I’d check that your files are set up so that the game can access the stats.txt document.
On the same string, make sure to put your name or handle down for the author so everyone knows its you who wrote this!! Take credit for your work my dude
I suspect it was intentional, but I got a little confused as to who the character we made choices for was. I think this may become clear once the book is expanded, but I’d personally keep in mind the clarity on whether you are playing the MC or not as you continue writing.
Otherwise, fantastic start and I look forwards to reading more. Have a great day
Sorry, perhaps I wasn’t very clear. I don’t think that is the author’s intention at all. I wouldn’t play if it were, for the exact same reason @AchilleanHeartbreak stated – it is incredibly confusing – but I’m pretty sure you are both mistaken about that being the author’s intention.
I believe things can be framed in a constructive manner, like I attempted to do. It comes from a place of understanding. Without descending into argument or debate, a word to the wise. ’ I’m never going to play this’ or whatever you wrote. It isn’t polite or constructive my dude.
I realize I do sound incredibly blunt a lot of the time, so I’m sure I could have worded it more politely, but I would say it is actually constructive for the author to know that confusing the reader about which character they’re playing is definitely a put-off and can make some people not want to play it. Not that I think the author doesn’t already know that; I’m still thinking it was unintentional until there’s confirmation from the author.
Let’s give @geldar a break huh? I don’t see any comments they made that warrant “keep it to yourself and don’t play” I think that’s at least as harsh (if not more) as anything they said. Tone is often lost through text and if they’re anything like me it can be awkward trying to word things in a way that won’t be misunderstood. I don’t know if there’s something I’m missing but that’s my take. Definitely don’t want to perpetuate an argument or anything I just thought they deserved someone in their corner
wonderful wip you have here. its short but already is very intriguing. i do agree with the people saying that there should be a much more clear line that separates the mc from the hooded figure cause it gets kinda confusing as to whom you’re making the choice for