Would you be interested in romancing an asexual character?

Game Development Writing and Content
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Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and experiences with us! I’m not Ace myself, but many people I love are, and I’m always interested in hearing other Aces’ perspectives and learning more about the community. You bring up a solid point of the Asexuality often being immediately conflated with sex-averse, repulsed, and touch-averse. Of course, characters with those dispositions are valid, but there have been times when I have tried to play an Ace MC or romance an Ace character, and they are automatically presented as sex or touch-averse.

Ace characters don’t need to compensate for the lack of a sex component to qualify for a romance arc; they just need to be interesting, like any other candidate. I much prefer little moments of hand handling or kissing or embraces sprinkled throughout a story than the cliche, big shagging scene. I have been pleasantly surprised to see more Ace and Aro rep in recent works, but I have always wanted to see more respectful curiosity. Either an Allo MC being able to ask an Ace RO what level of intimacy they’re comfortable with/curious about trying or Ace MC’s being able to advocate for themselves regarding what level of physical intimacy they are comfortable with/interested in pursuing.

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As an aroace myself, I’m always down for a quality qpr. Markus from Red Embrace: Hollywood was an absolute delight and the first RO with whom I didn’t feel awkward while staring at an answer option for 3 hours straight.

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I hesitated to offer my opinion on this for fear of pissing people off, but I’m going to go ahead and put this out here. If it offends, I apologize in advance, I’m just trying to give a different perspective on it.

As someone who has grown weary of the “MC chases the RO for most of the book/series just to get the ‘romance’” (which consists of the RO crapping all over the MC, running away, etc., until the very end where you get to kiss/bang/marry them), it would be nice to see this implemented in a different way.

Like… make it clear up front that the character is Ace, so the MC could have interest but also offer a choice where the MC is afraid to make any kind of a move out of uncertainty or fear of offending the RO, prompting an honest conversation where the RO can declare interest back, while laying out what being Ace means to them (no physical contact at all, cuddling but no sex or kissing, kissing and cuddling, but no sex, etc.). And then let the MC and RO figure things out from there.

It would be a nice way to help a MC who is more interested in sex explore a relationship with someone who doesn’t feel that kind of attraction–without having “angst” (:face_vomiting:) get in the way of the growing relationship. In other words, have the MC and RO communicate like grown adults and work together to figure things out how things will work, due to their interest in each other.

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I myself can’t think of many ROs or characters clearly written to be touchaverse. I’d love more of them! Specifically showing different forms it can take [Not just discomfort with all touching, but how different characters might warm up at different rates or be comfortable with forms of touch. I myself am someone who is exceptionally touchaverse with strangers and acquaintances, but with close friends or family I am fine with hugging or the like so long as there is warning.]

Response to @EvilChani :

As someone who has grown weary of the “MC chases the RO for most of the book/series just to get the ‘romance’” (which consists of the RO crapping all over the MC, running away, etc., until the very end where you get to kiss/bang/marry them), it would be nice to see this implemented in a different way.

Speaking personally, I would love more straight forward romances in terms of getting to the relationship. Honestly, who cares about the mutual pining for seventeen books? Want to know what I get to see way less of? The actual romance! Have people declare their RO a third into the book and show the relationship. People will flock!

[Mind you, I do love mutual pining in circumstances where it makes sense for the setting, but I see too often ROs that would in character clearly just communicate things due to their own emotional intelligence or blunt nature yet are decidedly unable to because it would mean the romance moves ‘too fast.’]

It would be a nice way to help a MC who is more interested in sex explore a relationship with someone who doesn’t feel that kind of attraction–without having “angst” (:face_vomiting:) get in the way of the growing relationship. In other words, have the MC and RO communicate like grown adults and work together to figure things out how things will work, due to their interest in each other.

Ahh the classic, because Gods forbid that two characters just clearly communicate their feelings in order to ensure mutual comfort in pursuing a relationship. :skull: .

Also I feel like trying to draw out angst between a character who seems uncomfortable with pursuing sex and one who actively wants to is… Apt for some very uncomfortable territory. I feel like that is one of those things I would prefer just be addressed as soon as it’s relevant/character appropriate.

Response to @Rinnegato :
Now I want to know! Alas, the juicy details elude me.

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It-Which-Must-Not-Be-Named really marked you, doesn’t it?

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Eh, not so much marked, but I don’t want to be dragged into another never-ending tween angst fest. And my tolerance for emotional edging has dropped to zero–never was much into it anyway, but now it breaks me out in hives, lol. I wish these games came with warnings on them, but now I’ve equated “angst” and “slow burn” with “forced tween behavior that will cause the romance to never have a satisfying conclusion”, since that always seems to be the case.

Yessssss! Pining is fine for like… a week. Then, someone needs to shit or get off the pot. I hate playing a game where I’m having to jump through mental hoops or have to create a tragic backstory for my MC in order to make the “romance” work for them. Especially when all it would take is for one party or the other to open a line of communication. But then, I’ve never been much for bullshit, anyway.

Back on the subject…

Exactly. I think more open lines of communication would be absolutely necessary a romance like this to work. Waiting until the end to drop the fact that the RO is ace would be a bit squicky, in my opinion. Saying it up front, when the MC is interested, is the way to go. Doesn’t mean they have to work out everything right then, but at least they know where the RO stands on that kind of thing and can choose to pursue it–and figure out what their relationship will entail–or to amicably pick another direction.

Honestly, I’d be interested in playing this type of romance, especially with a MC who is more touch-driven, just to see how things would work out. I’d probably enjoy it more if it were the RO driving the relationship, though, setting boundaries, but making physical contact of some sort in a way that they are comfortable with so my MC can follow their lead and, once comfortable with the fact that the RO won’t run the other way, start discussing what the RO is willing to try and what things are off limits altogether. It’d be a refreshing change from the typical romance in these games, where the ultimate goal is to finally agree to be together at the end.

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Usually, I expect ace MC but I feel like I’d romance ace RO too if given the option. I feel like a lot of the time I want to spend time with the RO to know them better as people and their thoughts on the current events going on then.

I’m ace myself so it’s always good to see any kind of representing in books.

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I’m happy to see ace relationships represented. My only personal dislike is when a game still keeps a very allosexual view on all relationship arcs. Like a game that says, whoever you romance, whatever your orientation, it goes: flirting, date, bonding experience, consummation, and the ace romances just substitute “cuddling all night” or something like that for sexual activity.

I mean, some ace folks might want just that, but I think a one-size-fits-all approach ignores a wide range of friendships, partnerships, and other close relationships that don’t follow that particular romantic model. I encourage authors to think a little more broadly about what asexual or nonsexual relationships can look like, beyond just “cuddling instead of sex.”

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My problem is that they too often take things the other way, and assume that ace = aro or that romance for an ace character is automatically platonic or limited to cuddling.

My favorite ace RO is Vivian in Stars Arisen. He explains when you start to fall for each other that sex is something he could take or leave for the most part, but he makes it clear that if it’s something you want, he’s very much willing to explore what makes you feel good. It’s not a matter of passive surrender because he’s afraid to lose you; he’s into it for the physical and emotional closeness and because he loves being the one to bring you so much pleasure.

I have never read another character like that before or since, and I desperately want to. I’d especially like to see that sort of empowered generosity coming from a woman. Too often empowerment seems to be presented as “saying yes because you’re horny” and “saying no because you’re not,” which doesn’t leave room for different kinds of wanting.

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Nah

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Respectfully and personally speaking, No. I apologize before hand if I upset or anger anyone, you can call me out.

I think telling the player before hand would be nice, so they can move forward with however they choose. For example, I have mixed feelings about Red Embrace Hollywood, I really did like one of the ROs, Markus, he was a fun and hilarious character. But when I got to his sex scene, the entire thing was unbearably uncomfortable( all the sex scenes in the game are but this was different), something was wrong. So I loaded a previous save and picked another choice, this time he was relieved that you didn’t choose the sex option. He proceeded to express to you that he was asexual.

He only sleeps with you because you wanted it and he wanted you to be happy. That notion made me feel very uneasy. Kinda like having to do a chore.

That killed any romantic interest I had for him, if I knew from the beginning, I would have just gone the friendship route instead.

I never want someone to do something against themselves or force them to figure it out .So I intend to avoid or have 0 interest in asexual/aromatic love interests. I’m a solid rock and steadfast when it comes to sex and love, I know what I want in irl and games. I have no interest in exploration unless otherwise.

But dick heads like me should never deter you because they’re a lot of people out here that would love more ace love interest. A lot of my friends saw themselves in Markus and saw what I couldn’t.

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See, this kind of thing is exactly why I personally wouldn’t want to be romantically involved with someone who’s ace (whether in real-life or in video game form), even if they aren’t sex-repulsed. Sex in a relationship (for me) is something that’s meant to be special and intimate, an intense connection between two bodies and minds - if you’re only having sex with me because you know it’s something I enjoy (and even if my enjoyment is giving you some sort of emotional satisfaction) that would make me seriously uncomfortable (sort of similar to what @SnowPhoniex said).

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I’ll preface this all by reiterating that I do not mean to offend anyone. I’m just stating my own views and curiosity/confusion about how this type of romance would be written…

I wouldn’t like that at all. That’s one reason I said that, for ace ROs, it would be best to have that info put up front and center, as soon as the MC shows any interest. A simple response to sexual flirting, like, “I’m flattered, really, but I’m asexual, and not interested in sex or being touched (or whatever).” so the MC knows right then what’s going on.

Finding out the way you indicated above would make me drop the RO and reload to pick someone else (and probably be afraid something else would get dropped on my MC at the last minute by the other ROs). I don’t like playing characters who push someone into something they don’t like. Not only is it trouncing on squicky moral ground, it’s a turnoff when it’s obvious they’re not into it, as was apparently the case with Markus.

I might be interested in playing a romance with an ace RO, but my MC needs to know it up front, since my MCs are always into sex (some more than others).

Not to be a moron, but what else are you gonna substitute for it? I’m not sure if you’re talking about a specific game, but if so, and that’s what you got in it with an ace RO, it could be because the author wanted to offer something romantic for that path and thought that was a good way to show intimacy.

Not that I always buy into the flirting/date/bonding/sex thing (sometimes it happens in a different order, especially when you’re as impatient and intolerant of certain aspects of the dating scene as I have always been), but if the sex part is off the table, then there’s no point in flirting (since it’s about attraction and, as I understand it, people who are ace don’t feel sexual attraction at all), so all you’re left with is dating and bonding (via spending time together, I imagine)? And then it becomes basically a friendship. So how does an author distinguish that from any other friendship? There has to be something that sets it apart, right?

You say authors should think more broadly than substituting cuddling for sex, but you offered no examples. What would you like to see? And how should it be implemented in a way that suits your views? Is it just a friendship that’s especially close?

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There could be more close platonic friendships, yes, I would like to see those. For romantic partnerships, I could see staying up talking til the wee hours, falling asleep on the couch together during a movie, just sleeping together or separately and seeing each other in the morning, or no “consummation” scene at all, just spending more story time together and sharing more personal details and/or compliments.

I’m not a fiction writer, and I’m not ace or aro, so I’m not an expert on these things, nor is it my duty to provide solid alternatives for authors. I’d just like to see a greater diversity in relationship arcs and ways characters experience intimacy. It’s my personal preference and opinion. Take it or leave it :slight_smile:

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Thanks for the input. I was merely curious, especially since I am interested in writing such a relationship. Writing things we don’t particularly comprehend isn’t always easy, and can cause us to drop the idea altogether. Better not to write it all than write it poorly, after all. Plus writing some things tends to make one a target when it’s done wrong.

I think this is where I get more confused, because I’ve done this with friends in the past. A lot.

But thanks for sharing your opinion!

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Then it’s not unfamiliar to you! That’s a good start. Probably not too much of a stretch to imagine talking all night, not just about what the characters think about the world, but also how awesome/interesting/attractive they find each other, asking personal questions, and making plans for the future. As you already know, not all intimacy (physical or otherwise) has to be romantic. And it’s not a big leap to see that not all romantic intimacy has to be physical.

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If you fall mutually in love with someone for whom sex can’t have an identical high significance-- whether that’s because of orientation, trauma, disability, side effects of the meds that keep them alive/functioning, or any other reason-- you find other ways to connect intimately on whatever terms can actually work for you both. You may not choose that in your escapist reading, but real life can be different…and I’d suggest taking greater care in talking disparagingly/dismissively about a real-life relationship dynamic that you can reasonably expect many of your fellow forum members to be experiencing.

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I’m currently writing an ace character who describes his lack of sexual drive as “It’s as if I’m a puzzle and when I’ve put all the pieces together, that piece remains. I try to make space for it. But I’m already full.”
So the absence of sex doesn’t mean the story is lacking on something, rather that the whole thing is just… different. It doesn’t even have to be less emotional or have less longing of the characters for one another. After all, sex should be just a piece in the puzzle, not the main goal. I’m of the idea that a well written character should have more to them than just how much they can thirst for the MC. What else do they are and do to make us root for them?

Now, I understand where you are coming from since the IF stories rely heavily on scenes, but I think the problem here is to look for a “replacement” for sex in these ace romances. Maybe we should give all the ROs equal time of non-sexual intimacy and the sex scenes should be the extra ones :sweat_smile: idk just an idea.

Btw, I don’t know why but - from this thread and in general, I get the feeling that people imagine ace people as some kind of nuns? Or idk, as inoccent and boring people, completely uninterested or even victimised by the desires of others. And obviously that’s a huge mistake! A snarky flirt that knows everything about kinks can be ace as much as a shy, indifferent and strict person can be allosexual (obviously all blatant stereotypes). Most of all, ace characters (and people) must be given some credit as well. They are adults, they are entitled to their own decisions about their sexual life (or thereof lack of it) and are able to give consent to sexual acts in their own right if they wish to, without being condemned to “not being asexual enough” or being pitied as if they didn’t know what they were doing. Maybe they enjoy it, maybe not. Maybe they decide to stop altogether or maybe they want to continue. That happens to allosexual people as well. So yeah, that’s my take on it now.

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I know I stated it earlier in the thread in some fashion, but seeing more people saying a hard no is just so strange to me. I totally understand feeling sex is deeply intimate and all that, I agree and don’t like the idea of casual sex for that reason (which is a personal opinion, obviously I don’t really care if someone else likes it unless it would affect me somehow), but I just cannot see it being so incredibly important that someone being ace completely ruins any possibility of a relationship. That’s just baffling to me. Maybe it’s because I’m a virgin and somewhat sex-repulsed and maybe a little ace, but like doesn’t the rest of the person mean more than this one singular activity you can do together? Is sex so important that the love you feel for someone gets thrown out the window without it? This is a genuine question because I don’t understand that at all. I guess it could just be people being wired differently or something and there’s no easily explaining it to someone who doesn’t get it.

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I actually really like this idea - not because I dislike sex scenes but because all too often sex becomes a substitute for actual relationship development. If I’m going to be invested in a romance, including the sexual aspects, I need to believe my character and their LI have more than just a great connection in the bedroom. I want to see them laughing together, having serious conversations, resolving conflicts, just generally dealing with life as a team.

One game I think does it right is Their Majesties’ Pleasure. It’s full of scorching hot sex scenes, but there’s always an option to do something non-sexual instead, and those scenes are written with as much care and interest as the sex scenes, so I was able to establish an emotional bond with my chosen RO before taking things to a physical level. There are also enough romantic opportunities throughout the story that it’s possible to have plenty of both.

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