Can’t believe someone hasnt made this meme but
I’m going to alice
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That’s…oddly fitting with the story. Is it from something?
It’s uhh, hard to explain but it’s basically from a game called black souls
Long story short, MC have to Find alice becaue she’s important to him and along the way he will find many eldritch and obscure monster, the story is really dark
Content warning, Very very very and i mean very 18+ to the point that i don’t recommend it unless you can ignore some Adult content and… Well i’ll say it but some of the content are borderline “What the fuck did i just witness” lmao
Ahh black souls… The only story where real life events, fairy tales and eldritch gods exist side by side
I checked out this WIP mainly because NEW CASE ADDED made me imagine some kind of episodic mystery game, which is my thing. Having played through the opening and the theater, I can say for certain that I have no idea whether it actually is or not. Here are some of my scattered thoughts.
Feedback
The quality of description is ridiculously good right from the start. How in the world are you able to maintain that level of quality for a while story?
The walk into the cells makes for a memorable opening, and the MC’s ability is a great hook.
But what the heck kind of memory is this? I can walk around and fight and talk to gods! And then I could make centipedes appear, which was great, but how does that come from a memory I witnessed?
Since that sequence was so surreal and the cell-walk was my only other knowledge of the world, I felt disconnected to the world outside the memory. That’s a nice touch, as long as you intended that as a reasonable response. I came out of that trance and looked around at the corpses and thought “that’s okay, this place is pretty crappy so they probably had it coming. I’ll let Mr. Fireman go, he’s had a rough day.”
Also, regarding the MC’s ability, I didn’t notice them using it after the opening. I got the impression that the italicized text was them using it a little bit to get insight into what different people were thinking, but that’s a far cry from whatever the hell that opening sequence was. I want to do more of that.
Amos is cool. I feel like Lauren could stand to be a bit cooler, if we’re going to hang out with her more often. It might just be I didn’t spend enough time with her, but I picked Amos when I could because he seemed more interesting right away. My impression of Lauren is that she is a sneaky liar, and my impression of Amos is he is a sneaky liar with a cool hat. The choice is clear.
Up until now, I assumed the story was set in a fantasy world, since it includes a war against a jungle goddess who can replace all your blood with napalm. But at the Rabbit Hole, the phrase “drinks with aggressively American names” made me pause. Soon after, some place names confirm that this is a world with America in it. It’s a small thing, but you might want to mention that a bit earlier if you want to avoid putting that moment of whiplash right there.
The Operating Theater was a trip and a half. There are a lot of astonishing features in your world, and the Theater is at the top so far. It just grew out of an asylum? And people go to it regularly to attend shows? Do the owners have to pay property taxes??
I was a little confused by the nature of Wonderland. Up to the part where Lauren arrives with the case, I assumed Wonderland was a sort of place based on how the Angel was talking about it. But upon starting the Theater, the characters start talking as though it’s a kind of force that spreads and corrupts. It’s probably both of those, but it felt like the characters shifted their descriptions of the thing pretty abruptly.
The shift from the military bunker back to the play was really good. Definitive proof that the forces at play here are potent indeed.
On the other hand, I became very disoriented during this section. I know most of that had to do with the effects of the Theater itself, and maybe also because I picked Cat Mask like an idiot, but by the time reality was actually coming back online (the armed men), I didn’t know what was significant anymore.
Also, did I shoot those people in the neck? And then they let me go afterward?
In general, your choices are pretty compelling. Thinking back to the neck shot guys, I try to be kind to everyone by default, and it felt like shooting them was actually the kind option compared to “wire their optical nerve to their worst memory”. And again, with the person trying to escape to Wonderland. I picked the rift-closing option at first because I need to question these people to solve the case and get a bajillion doller. But by the third plea I couldn’t bring myself to hold them back anymore, so I let them go. It’s a great sign when I have to think that hard about a choice like that.
Just a heads up: there were a lot of *comments in here. One perk of the “script” framework is that you can claim they were all deliberate, to enhance the feeling of the characters living through a mad production.
…Were they? If not you might want to take a quick look-through to catch 'em. I think I saw around 10. Here were some of my favorites:
*comment DAMN THAT IS SOME SHIT WRITING
Hey now. Remember to be kind to yourself.
*comment increase wound by 1
I’m increasing what
*comment My days are boring. My nights are strange. I exist in a liminal space between intense apathy and a deep craving for death, with both feelings occasionally trickling in.
Pretty sure this is meant to be italicized text for Lauren, not a developer comment.
…Right?
*comment Rust orange and red. Stone painted with flecks of red. Iron bars bleeding rust and red. PICK ONE OF THESE
Personally I like bleeding rust the best.
Besides those I saw one big typo: “but you reqch ts front doors in fifteen minutes.”
And one other thing. I think standard procedure is, when a character’s dialogue is cut between paragraphs, to end one paragraph with an open quote.
“To give a basic example,” he mansplained, "it looks like this.
“Now you can be certain I’m still the one talking. I admit it does look kind of weird, though.”
Otherwise it looks like dialogue is alternating between characters. I got confused a couple of times because I thought the speaker was changing when it wasn’t.
But you might want to double check what’s actually best practice to make sure I’m not full of shit. My memory is not very good.
One final detail. I got a crash at the end.
Amos was asking me why I didn’t stop them, and I replied “That’s what they wanted to do.” and got this:
brightwhitelight line 3068: It is illegal to fall in to an *else statement; you must *goto or *finish before the end of the indented block.
I’m pretty sure I was at the end, but I may have missed something important past this point.
I feel like if I made different choices, or simply paid closer attention, I might have had an easier time keeping pace. But it also seemed as though the confusion was often working for the story’s benefit. It felt like a haunting dream that stuck with me long after I was done.
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Wow! Thanks so much for the detailed feedback! I really appreciate it!
The walk into the cells makes for a memorable opening, and the MC’s ability is a great hook.
But what the heck kind of memory is this? I can walk around and fight and talk to gods! And then I could make centipedes appear, which was great, but how does that come from a memory I witnessed?
In some cases, the memories are so fractured or endemic to the individual’s psyche that they become a sort of mindscape that can be entered and manipulated. In this case, your character physically entered his brain and the past.
…Which I now see isn’t all that clear in the story. *comment be sure to fix that later
Since that sequence was so surreal and the cell-walk was my only other knowledge of the world, I felt disconnected to the world outside the memory. That’s a nice touch, as long as you intended that as a reasonable response. I came out of that trance and looked around at the corpses and thought “that’s okay, this place is pretty crappy so they probably had it coming. I’ll let Mr. Fireman go, he’s had a rough day.”
I want to make the MC feel detached from the world to a certain extent. I think the most common world I use to describe it is ‘grey’. In theory, due to their past, the MC would feel isolated from everything and everyone but their ex. *comment FIX THIS LATER
Also, regarding the MC’s ability, I didn’t notice them using it after the opening. I got the impression that the italicized text was them using it a little bit to get insight into what different people were thinking, but that’s a far cry from whatever the hell that opening sequence was. I want to do more of that.
The italicized text is the MC using their ability, albeit on a smaller and rather less exciting scale. They don’t have good control over it, so it triggers when it wants to and reads surface level detail most of the time. They get lost in their own head and memories quite a bit, though. And there will be more delving into other people’s heads! The other case I’ve written so far actually takes place entirely in someone else’s head, but I took it out because it seemed too surreal and left people confused. In the process of rewriting it now. *comment make sure to go back and read the comments.
Amos is cool. I feel like Lauren could stand to be a bit cooler, if we’re going to hang out with her more often.
Choosing her path in the theater gets you a bit more time with her (and she’s the one that shows up after the incident on the Cheshire Cat mask path instead of him if you do that) but he gets a bit more screentime in this particular section. She’ll have one later on. I’ll also update her opening soon to make her more distinctive. *comment its okay to deviate from noir tropes sometimes.
Up until now, I assumed the story was set in a fantasy world, since it includes a war against a jungle goddess who can replace all your blood with napalm.
It WAS a fantasy world, until the City took over. And now its sort of 1940s noir? I’ll make it clearer in the text. At the beginning, I’ll add “U.S, The City” onto the prison. *comment maybe actually update the lore tab?
I was a little confused by the nature of Wonderland.
It’s both. Lauren’s original description of Wonderland was :
*comment name this something witty
Her face wrinkles. Her words are slow to arrive, burdened with the weight of explanation, and frequently punctuated with stilted pauses. But there isn’t much else to do tonight.
“Wonderland is…it is different things for different people. For some, its a memory. For others, a future. Its a place you can’t ever be. You could have been there, and you can be planning to go there in the future. But you can’t be there now. Does that make sense?”
Another attempt.
“Its some sort of…viral infection.”
An empty shrug.
“It’s everywhere you’ve never been. It’s everywhere you were. It’s where dreams go when we’re awake. It’s…nothing. Nothing at all.”
Her eyes snap open.
But I took it out, because apparently I love continuity problems. Its a sort of semi-conscious dimension that can reach in here and show itself to people, and make them happy so they want to enter it. It isn’t really malicious, just different. Also, the City Council is officially denying the existence of any dimensions beyond its own, so that probably muddied the issue further.
The theater is supposed to be your PC’s memories getting all mixed and jumbled up with the play to the point where you’re sort of performing them on stage, in a sort of turnaround of your own abilities. For the Cheshire Cat mask, all of Act 2 is part of your memories. Act 3 is you thinking you’re out (and maybe you were) but still being in the theater. A sort of meta-commentary on the concept of masking as a whole. Like how you always have the mask on, you’re always “in the theater”, so to speak, even when you’re supposed to be relaxed. And the Wonderland breach is playing on these feelings with the other people in the theater, and trying to show them a place where they don’t have to wear a mask. *comment drivel.
Also, did I shoot those people in the neck? And then they let me go afterward?
Yeah. But nobody saw it, so you’re good. And they were going to shoot you, so it all balances out. Everyone outside perceived it as you being suddenly given this task to close the breach, and you tried your best to do it.
Sorry about the crash! That survived a lot of randomtests. Its been fixed. There’s one more scene where you talk to Alice a little bit, and then have a convo with Lauren afterwards. Probably another 6009 words or so, but who’s counting? The Alice one sheds a bit more light on things, but also introduces more questions.
I want the story to read like a mirror maze; disorienting, but not to the point where it becomes unfun to read. Most of the answers are hidden between the lines or only hinted at, so you have to work for them. I’ve also spent so much time in this world that sometimes I lose sight of some of the establishing of basic details. Did I go too far?
…People can see the comments? I thought they were invisible in ChoiceScript?
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Yeah, definitely completely intentional.
On a separate, unrelated note, here’s the changelog for the new update:
Removed the *comments. But not my embarrassment.
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If they look at the code. If you don’t want them to do that, I think there’s a setting in CoGdemos to hide it.
I want the story to read like a mirror maze; disorienting, but not to the point where it becomes unfun to read.
This is exactly how it feels. Even when it’s confusing, it’s still interesting, and the core of it is still clear. You’ve done a really good job.
I’ve also spent so much time in this world that sometimes I lose sight of some of the establishing of basic details.
It’s not a huge deal. Most of the important stuff is clear. It doesn’t matter too much whether the place you’re in is called America or not.
Also I didn’t realize there was a lore tab. That would have answered most of my questions, huh.
I thought they were invisible in ChoiceScript?
They’re supposed to be! I wasn’t looking at code, they were right there on the page, and they got more frequent as the story progressed. A change in formatting partway, maybe?
The theater is supposed to be your PC’s memories getting all mixed and jumbled up with the play to the point where you’re sort of performing them on stage, in a sort of turnaround of your own abilities.
If the theater is meant to be especially jumbled up compared to other cases, it might be a good idea to push it back. In order to show that a situation is unnatural, there has to be a grounded state of “natural” first. A little more time in the grey world could help with that.
Anyway, I’ll be keeping an eye out for updates on this story. I can only imagine what it’ll look like as it develops!
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Yes, disorienting was exactly the word I was searching for to describe this story. But so very intriguing. I had a hard time keeping up with everything but that made it so much more immersive in the long run. And it was so God damn sad. Loved it, can’t wait to see where it goes
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Thanks so much for the encouragement! It really does make a difference!
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You got me at Disco Elysium
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This is interesting. A mix of film noir and horror.
Bugs:
After choosing my name, it is not reflected in the stats screen.
brightwhitelight line 1636: increasing indent not allowed, expected 4 was 5
Hide reuse not working
Notes:
I had some difficulty parsing this part. I suppose I should have some suspension of disbelief, but anyway…
The Operating Theatre was once an insane asylum coupled with a hospital, so named for its famous surgeons and hands-off approach to surgeries. An entire line of designer scalpels originated from its grim walls. A hub of unbridled enthusiasm, where the patients even the streets spat back out would be subject to all manner of both literal and metaphorical cutting-edge experiments. The clientele was comprised almost entirely of artists with nervous breakdowns, those with major depressive disorders, those that society collectively agreed were best left forgotten, and wives with nerves.
Orderlies were paid triple to run the night shift, and it still ran with a skeleton crew. Screams and song competed with the traffic and the rain for a listening ear. And one day, the song won. What began as an outlet for delusions and emotion soon became a public performance, which soon became an entire wing, which soon became the Operating Theatre. The nurses were all fired, the doctors retreated to the lower levels, and the operating auditorium allowed outsiders to watch performances of Hamlet and Brave New World. Many of the inmates elected to stay after their tenure had expired, as they had nowhere to go anyway, and they found the camaraderie and acting rather therapeutic. Allegedly, the experiments all ceased. But nobody ever found all those doctors.
What does hands-off approach mean here? I assume it means that the surgical operations face little regulation, but there are multiple ways to interpret this.
The patients are sometimes referred to as clientele and sometimes referred to as inmates. These convey very different meanings about the state of affairs there, so you may want to pick something consistent.
Their stay is referred to as ‘tenure’ but this is mainly used for academic or professional work. ‘Stay’ or ‘treatment period’ might work better.
Who fired the nurses? The hospital/asylum management?
Did the government/society just allow crazy people to run an entertainment facility, with ticketed performances, just like that?
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Got a ‘missing prep variable’ error on this screen during the second rehearsal. I picked the Playing Card role.
Overall, it’s a fun story! I like the dark setting, and the characters all feel like distinct people thus far. I like the range of options for how the MC reacts to them too.
I also love the imagery and style, but it feels like the MC’s perspective keeps me so disassociated from reality that it actually lowers the stakes of the Wonderland mystery. If the world is topsy-turvy already, then what difference do a few more distortions make?
I don’t think that you’ve gone too far with anything you’ve written down. It’s more that I’d recommend adding a scene or two at the very beginning that establishes a baseline for comparison. If you want to generate tension surrounding the MC’s loss of reality … you need to establish that there’s a reality out there to lose.
100% agree with this. The story has fascinating imagery, themes, and a very striking setting. Just needs to give me a slightly bigger window into the mundane to contrast all the weird and wonderful Wonderland moments.
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Thanks so much for the feedback. I truly appreciate you taking the time to read my story and write such a detailed response! Bug has been fixed (a single extra space…that’s why I hate the coding part.)
Ive always struggled with pacing, and this problem is exemplified in a CYOA format. I guess my original intent when writing was to have it so that the only connection the MC had to the world at all was the past with the Ex (that’s why they come up so much), and they’re kinda adrift in the real world. It’s all grey and doesn’t mean much to them. That’s how I chose to represent the MC’s depression, anyway- every day the same, nothing particularly noteworthy or colorful aside from the Ex. I figured this ‘grey’ could be a cool contrast when compared to Wonderland. I also tend to write in such a way where the themes and ideas are more important to me than the parity of the world. One of the primary concepts I wanted to explore was how much was worth preserving in the real world when it seems to have left you out of it. But after going over it again, I could see how that might get lost or be actively detrimental to the player’s investment. I’ll add some scenes of the PC and co simply wandering through the City. I’m also working on a case now that’s hopefully a bit more grounded (albeit probably not that much more), and will come before the theatre one. I also added a lore tab that goes over a little bit of the City and its history.
@ChanceOfFire Would you want to be the one to tell the ‘crazy’ people they can’t run the asylum? 
Official City Council policy states the problem will probably work itself out. But yeah, that passage is super weird and unclear. I’ve cleaned it up, made it a little better.
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That’d be cool! The setting has me hooked and I’d love the opportunity to wander around the city with the MC! Your descriptions are very evocative. Good work!
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I don’t know if anyone else has this issue, maybe it’s just mobile? But when I finish Chapter 1, it just infinitely gives me a loading screen. From other comments I’m assuming there’s more than one chap xD
But! I can at least say from first impressions, I think things do need to be a bit more grounded. I understand it’s supposed to be surreal, but I think what makes things surreal from my understanding has some sort of reality based around it. Not just that, but the MC should also treat the cooky wonderland stuff happening as natural if it’s a common occurance for everyone.
I also would like to get to know the MC more I think before jumping straight into the prison. The memory diving power is a little hard to grasp at first which I think fits with the vibe you’re going for, but mostly agree with what @valence said above!
Excited to see what comes of this and hoping to read the rest soon! <3
@Wannabe_Human Read it. My probably disorganized & discombobulated thoughts are thus:
Did some content not make it from the previous demo version into the current one? Because I may have read the comments section before reading, and it seems like the story should have had content that it didn’t. 
I’m rooting for Wonderland. 
May it vanquish that City!
In all seriousness though…maybe I’ve just been suicidal too often, but going to Wonderland seems to bear some striking similarities to suicide. It lures in people that are depressed and have nothing left to hope for in the real world. It may be what those going to it want, but it leaves some truly devastated loved ones in its wake. And in that there will never be a for-certain answer in whether taking the plunge and going is the right thing to do. (I know you’re not allowed to think this in regards to suicide, but I’ve certainly had many thoughts that for some people, maybe whatever’s on the other side of death’s door really would be better for them than spending decade after decade in unimaginable pain in this world.) Some of the people in that theater probably would have had absolutely miserable lives for the rest of their days if they stayed. Whereas for others, things probably would have changed for the better if they just stuck it out…like that soldier’s daughter for instance, whose father seemed to be genuinely remorseful for what he had done and genuinely wanted to change. Whatever you choose, it’s always going to be the wrong choice for approximately half of those people. Whatever you choose, you’re always screwing somebody over and destroying their chance at happiness.
The MC appears to be suffering from a bad case of depression and probable War PTSD. Given he literally goes to Wonderland if he COMPLETELY opens up about his ex, it seems like the only way he keeps going is by burying the pain he feels, and if he ever allows himself to fully feel it, it will literally be the end of him.
The descriptions in that memory of the MC’s ex also kinda of made it sound like his ex actually cheated on him (the descriptions of the sex BEFORE the MC bursts in and stops the “intruder” sound VERY MUCH like they’re about consensual sex) then lied and said she had been raped. Which strongly suggest that the MC has a highly idealized view of their ex, and maybe she wasn’t nearly as wonderful as the MC has deluded himself into believing…
The Oxblood Pyromaniac and his Angel were such sad characters for personal reasons. Many, MANY tears flowed out of me while reading their story. 
And if they ever set foot in a therapist’s office, they’d both probably be diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder > Depressive Type. Plus War PTSD for the Pyromaniac and Rape PTSD for his Angel.
I’ll wait to diagnose Amos, Lauren, and Alice until I have more time to get to know them. 
For such an overall sad story, certain parts were very funny. 
Also, I found a bug. If the MC FULLY opens up about their ex, they go to Wonderland…but then instead of ending, the game just continues as if the MC said they didn’t want to talk about it at some point.
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I just finished reading this. I like what I’m seeing and I have a huge urge to know what happened to the world that turned the people into creatures of mud and teasets.
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