Hawks is literally the Team Leader. Following their instruction doesn’t make the MC a passive character.
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Yes it does, a passive character is when they just listen to other people or when the story pushes them forward. Its just a small change in writing but can dramatically change the story.
Following someones instruction makes you more passive, by simply changing the context and giving the character choice you make them more passive. A lot of movies that have high budget make this mistake of just doing what the story or other characters tell them to do, Elysium and Black Adam comes to mind and they were blockbuster bombs.
This is made worse when detective or police officer characters tend to be more passive as the story pushes them forward so we have to find a way to make these characters are active as possible. The show Gotham does this quite well as the MC of the show is a detective but makes their own decisions and goes out on their own even against other people’s wishes to get justice.
Hawks being the team leader doesn’t change a thing, the MC is still kind of passive if they just go along with no pushback in the story.
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It would make sense if the MC always acted in a passive way. Which is not the case. You picked the one scene where it’s actually perfectly acceptable for the MC to be passive.
Yes it does. They are the Team Leader. The MC is not. Why would they be the one to make the decision in this case? It doesn’t make sense. A character cannot act in an active way in every single situation they find themself in.
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@ViIsBae – Keep up the great work … i am still lurking about, even if I don’t say much. 
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“they the team leader” doesn’t change facts in a story. Definition of a passive character is “they do not take action but instead let things happen to them”
Just google it, there are articles on it. A character that is pushed by outside forces such as story, plot, villains or other characters constantly is passive.
Yes a character cannot act in an active way every single time but we have to find ways to make them able to have them be more active. By simply changing the writing so that the team leader asks input from the MC like “which team will you go with” or the team leader instructing the MC but we have a choice to agree or disagree the character becomes more passive instead of just going along with it.
In fact characters that go against the grain and argue to make their own way are likeable. Drama and conflict is important to a story and so are a characters decisions.
Authors are in full control of a story and by making characters more passive it is detrimental to any story, keep in mind this is fiction not real life and certain creative freedom may be given to positively effect a story positively.
Well, I suppose doing what the team leader said being the only complaint speaks about the story’s quality at least.
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This is assuming you are in the author’s head. Characters can be passive at times or pro-active, and at this point in the story, assuming a character is just passive is premature.
I do not think lecturing an author based on premature assumptions is a constructive way of providing feedback, especially considering the author here is being both transparent and flexible in her creative processes.
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True, but we can always aim for perfection. The story is one of the best WIPs I’ve seen for sure, its well balanced, I’ve seen mediocre WIPs that are a mess and the authors had to tell me “yeah I messed up I need to remake this again from scratch” like damn lol.
@Eiwynn I didn’t lecture the author, I was replying to someone else who was arguing that the character wasn’t passive for some reason as they probably didn’t know the definition.
I’m just voicing my input, if the author decides to take it or not is up to them as its constructive criticism, what I have noticed is that authors tend to take criticism well while the fanboys/fangirls eh not so well.
Also I didn’t assume the character was passive but simply pointed out that in the context of the situation where the we are given the choice into going with one of the two groups why not word it in a different way to make it more active in that specific situation to improve the story that will aid in improving story quality thats it
I think the story is still early so its still in development and hope I can give input to improve it a bit thats all, if the author disagree its fine as well.
Sounds like the worst thing to do though.
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Why lol?
Perfectionism + creative people = complete disaster. Well, unless you want the work to never get finished, I guess.
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I agree with you on that point, I think a balanced blend which has compromise is needed though. The reason why HG games are more popular vs COG games tend to be because they have more creative freedom and are passion projects, lots of authors and fans have said this. Yes the time does take longer but Lords of Infinity took 7 years and FH: Retri took 5 years and they’re the most popular games right now lol.
FH: R was also cut in half and so the trilogy was made into a quadrilogy as the story was too long said the author. Every author is different I guess in their creative vision.
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Yes, but “balanced blend” is not “aiming for perfection”, it’s more like “good enough”. (Also, as an aside, “FH:R” is not a good way to identify a book in a series where every part’s name starts with R.)
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Oh yeah just thought of that haha, I think the 3rd one is gonna be Revelations and the 4th one is Redemption or something lol. I’ll be more specific next time.
Well every person is different, some people “aim for perfection” while others aim for “eh good enough”.
Okay! Imma be commenting as I read live, and at the end ill offer my feedback and impressions! I probably shouldnt call these reviews since i aint doing nothing so fancy shmancy lololol
But without further ado…
Chapter 1
Please dont make me responsible for my actions, last time i was responsible for my actions, i was executed in a video game for “War crimes against humanity”
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Alrighty, before I legit start every game, i like to look at the stats menu to get a “feel” for what Im about to play and…
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Your descriptions are really well done. Youre also painting the scene accurately, so bravo author! However, i do think agent should be Agent as it is a title before a name
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Think ima call myself Percy Jackson, in honor of the new show coming to Disney!!! Really hope it does well lmao…so that means ima play as Percy Jackson would!
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LOL
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- That makes a lot of sense and is a great inuniverse way to deal with the question, good thinking!
- THIS MADE ME LAUGH AHA
Soo theyre gonna ask if we play War Thunder lol
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Ngl, the whole process felt very realistic and relatable lol, if you really wanna hammer it home, i think making a description of how fucking cold the interview room is! ITS ALWAYS COLD AS SHIT!
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Missing a quotation
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Ngl, everytime I introduce myself as Percy Jackson, ima do this lmao
Spider-Man 3 meme sound - YouTube
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Ngl, i noticed you do this thing that shows where you are for a scene…imma steal this, cause it HELPS visualize. Like it must totally help as a writer, not just a reader as well. For instance, I can totally see you reminding yourself “This is so and so location, describe the environment and let the characters interact with it” And it helps a reader go, “This is an office, ive been to an office so i can picture the scene”
So yeah, im fosho stealing this without shame
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5’10"? Check
Cute? Check
Has a kiddo=MILF? check
Percy Jackson?
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Ight, V, I have a suggestion (please disregard, it’s in no way a good idea)
Since we’ve established shes a caring and mature woman, with a child, how about she completely asserts dominance over us by…patting our head? I think itd be absolutely hilarious lmao give us that “Ara ara” treatment lmaooooo
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Okay, lot’s to unpack.
*) Dmx Bark Bark - YouTube
*) Another one? No. No lord this can’t be…THERE CAN BE NO OTHER LIKE PERCY JACKSON!
*) LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOO
*) Imma fight with this Harper, theyre stealing Percy’s thunder
*) AND PERCY STRIKES AGAIN, LEZZS GOOOO
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Percy is an absolute gym bro, and would work out to holla at the ladies
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Percy in his head as he notices:
She want me! [meme] - YouTube
Also, Yall know what ima have to choose for Percy:
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HARPER’S A CHICK?!
HOW DARE THE AUTHOR MAKE ME ASSUME HER GENDER AND FLABBERGAST ME LIKE THIS
YOU GASLIT ME
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BRO, PERCY. HAS. GOT. THAT. DOG. IN. HIM!!!
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Ohhhh- Looks like Percy is replacing someone guys!
Oh
We are literally replacing someone…yikes
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Hmmmm
What would our sleazeball horny Percy do in this situation?
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Annnnd to the bullet train we go along with Chapter 2!
Chapter 2
Pete:
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That…sounds like a bitch of a power to have. So shes got the sharigan!
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Percy’s reaction:
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lil error fam
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Lil interlude, Elizabeth’s and Harper’s first meeting!
So, we find out that one’s parents were distant, and the other’s father abusive, and that Elizabeth is a trustfund baby, wonder how that’s gonna play further down the story
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“Us”? Like there’s more of you, or you and Harper, or…?
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Oof, got a call from the druggy brother…yikes.
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Monsters vs. Aliens (2009) - First Contact Scene (3/10) | Movieclips - YouTube
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Ahhhh, im currently reading about elizabeth’s info on harper, and dammittttt. The author is doing a good job in making me actually give a damn about the characters, enough so that even horny Percy is hesitant to just be a horn dog and get at em all. Easy to break the hearts of those you dont care about, harder to break those you learn more about. Cause then you realize theyre humans with hopes, problems, experiences, and youre one of those experiences. But will you add to their woes or become a salve? Good shit author
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AYE BRO WTF?! I got slapped with the Coming Soon, it gave me hella whiplash lmaooooo!
Alrighty, ima read the “Til death do us part” side story!
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Ramone:
Annnnnd that’s it! Time for the impressions and feedback!
Feedback and Impressions
Lets a go!
PROS:
- The descriptions of scenes, environments, and characters is high quality. I really think this is one of your strongest points, you can paint things in our minds with words!
- Then there is the interactions between characters, their feelings, and their personalities being expressed to the world around them. It makes them feel alive in a sorta natural way.
- The emotional intelligence factor in your writing clearly shines through. You know how to describe things in a way that lets us get into the heads of these characters and then plan ahead to know what we should or shouldnt say…this is good when you compare against other works. Most of the time, idgaf, ill press every single choice to see what happens. Here? I knew that certain choices were things I shouldnt say because of what i know from the character.
- Side stories and POVs! I fucking love works that do this! It’s hard to do well, but you did it well! The side stories youve shown us give us glimpses to the extra characters and help us see them as people instead of just filler. For instance, i in no way expect to give a hoot about Ramone, but the guy’s a chad!
- THE PERSONALITY CHANGES OF THE MC FOR DIFFERENT SCENES!!! You’re playing a very risky game here dear author! I implore you to let readers know from the very beginning that there’s ton of content that is being hidden from them as they play one personality or the other, requiring more than one playthrough to go through it all. Another solution is to simply let the player go talk to everyone, do all the things, but that may tire a player out and fatigue em instead. Youve written half a million words, but we dont even see half of 1/5ths of that in a single playthrough!!! Seriously, write like a lil thing like “If you are this, this changes and etc”
CONS:
- I do think that we need some “feats” for our agent! You let us get emotionally connected with the MC, but I do believe that readers such as myself -those that like to do cool shit- would appreciate us busting a cap on a madafaka! In other words, we’ve been emotionally supportive but no action has arrived yet for our agent. It feels like we’re a side character that came in the second season after Kate was shanked. Perhaps a flashback to the agent doing something noteworthy in the academy sprinkled in the middle of what you have right now?
- What I said before about writing half a million words and we not seen a fraction of that in a playthrough is a point of concern for me fam! I can see it already. You get frustrated from writing such an expansive and wide branching content yet it doesnt feel deep. EVEN THOUGH YOU PROBABLY WROTE 50K WORDS, IT’LL ONLY ADD 5K TO A PLAYTHROUGH! Thus it makes you need to write EVEN MORE, creating an absolutely vicious cycle of self depreciation and hate. Please take care of yourself, and know that your effort is being seen, appreciated, and understood.
- Imma be very honest here, I need more information regarding the worldbuilding here. The Pulse sounds absolutely interesting, but how did it affect society? Are the mutations such that there’s levels of danger associated with them? Are there superheroes? Is this the advent of the superhero age? Or is everything much more grounded and people are just trying to get by with their mutations? I believe it’d be wise to invest time in this so you can let people like me theorize and talk more lolol!
Really wanna see where you take this, the focus on your characters is amazing, and the potential for the world of The Bureau is there to take it even further! It’s to the point that I still dont know how to classify your game! The road before you is branched the hell out, and im excited to see where you take it!
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@FatedFlame ROFLMAO
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Been a very busy couple of weeks, so just getting around to responding to this.
Summary
Thank you! I’m always glad to hear that I’m doing this part of my story justice. The one thing I really want to do, the one character I want to get people to care about by the end of this story, is Kate. Because while it’s easy for a writer to make a player care about characters you see and interact with, it’s extremely difficult to get them to care about a character that’s dead from the start that they never personally have a chance to interact with. So that is my personal goal by the end of this story for sure.
I feel like at some point I will put in a flashback in the extra stories of the MC sparring with one of the Gifted from the academy, but that will be added on later. I think a good thing I want to teach people is, while there is action that comes with the MC’s job, a lot of it is investigatory work, deduction, theorizing, communication, and profiling. Very rarely would there ever be a “guns blazing” situation because, well, we wouldn’t want our own law enforcement to think of situations like that unless absolutely necessary as well! That being said, there will be action before the end of the book for sure.
This is something I have kind of kicked myself for, and why the subplot book I’m planning for the universe is going to be much more set. Don’t get me wrong, I love writing completely different ways for the character can react to things, but it can start to feel stagnating. It’s why the choices have been capped to about, 5 max for recent chapters. I’ve had to do that so I can actually progress with the story, because when you have a scene change based on a choice, that was only available from another choice, that was only available in a certain route, it starts to get to the feeling of "Is anyone actually going to ever see this? But eh, I guess I’ll just have to learn how to put achievements in the game. That’ll give people a hint about what they’re possibly missing.
Definitely planned for the future, 100%. Will be adding this before the book is submitted!
Now, if you don’t mind, I’ll go back to my natural state of being in how I normally am while taking 5 classes and 3 labs in a single semester
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Bruh i wish you luck with that! The way youre doing it so far is good though, so youre on the right track!
Youve done alot of that for sure fam, i was honestly impressed with how in-depth you go with that!
Understand what you mean, my comment towards this however may sound contractionary. While that’s what we would like for our law enforcement to be like in real life, I think readers would like more action anyways cause we’re angry lil gremlins that wanna shoot stuff and take names But of course maybe action isnt all that is needed? The way youve been approaching the story thus far is already set up so you can do a whole L vs Light from Death Note where our Agent can High IQ trap people and do the Light evil laugh lmao https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7xJ-6Lq3D0o
YES 100% THIS!!! THATLL MAKE PEOPLE WANNA SEE THE OTHER STUFF!!!
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Hey hey, everyone! Just thought I’d give you guys an update on things. I’m currently about 5500 words into the new chapter; I know, not that far at all it seems like, but I’m slowly crawling towards progress! University is coming up to finals season, so I’m desperately working towards that along with projects and other things that I’m having to do as well.
But, yes, still very much alive, just constantly tired from all the schoolwork and counting the days until summer!
EDIT: I’ve just thought of a way to make the investigation feels like you’re actually investigating rather than just choosing choices off a list. It’s going to be tedious and possibly a real pain to figure out and code, but I will definitely keep everyone updated on how it goes.
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Best of luck on your finals!
Like playing Wayhaven 3, I’m on to you, I’ve read your posts. 
I play a lot of WIPs; if you say what way you’re thinking of doing, maybe I’ve read something similarly implemented and you can ask for help from the potential author?
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