This seems good:heart_eyes: however it would have been wise to be able to save your progress…
I just lost everything and I have to start from scratch…
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Seems fun but I’m definitely with @Talyrion that the rhythm was iffy. There were times the story goes from past tense to present tense in the same sentence / page. Like with the time skips in chapter 2 and 3 at the magic school. Spacing those out would help a ton I think.
Here’s a few of my thoughts btw, it’s stupid late at night so sorry if they’re a bit all over the place 
Summary
Chapter 0
- Gender select might need pronouns added in brackets e.g. (him) (her) in case a reader doesn’t know what lass or lad are.
- Gender neutral option shouldn’t have “a” before little
- “casting a warm glow over the village” don’t think this bit fits? not sure how to explain it. I think it reads better without this bit.
- Why is your name decided when you look in the mirror? You’ve just spoken to your father, might it be better if you picked a name then? and then he would say it in dialogue.
- Character creation works but it feels like a lot of choices without much text to read between… maybe move outfit to when you wake up the next morning? could fit it in a passage about you getting dressed.
Chapter 1 & 2
- " And now, at long last, you’ve arrived. Here you stand, in front of the college of magic. " The here you stand line, idk it doesn’t gel when I read it? maybe it’s the change in tense? or too many commas?
- " two soldiers stepped forward and brought you to a stop" should be ‘step forwards’, and ‘bring you’
- It’d be nice to get to know the others before you pick who to train with. All I have to go off at this point is a description and a picture.
- Bit odd we go out to find a familiar without any warning. I don’t remember seeing anything about familiars before, Gwydion and Henry don’t have ones do they?
Chapter 3
- Do evil characters turn the mechanism and trap themselves in with the spider too? I’d love to tell another character to crank the door open for me
- We can already confess our love to a character? I feel like I’ve only just met them
Other
- ⦁ Maybe show the character’s age in the stat screen?
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Thanks for all this! Got a lot to chew on with your notes, but that’s awesome. It’s super helpful.
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Are you gonna add the save system?!?
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@Saba_Tchanturia there are lots of times names mixed up but that aside.
In Healing route, MC uses barrier to save Ari from getting decapitated but the Epilogue still shows it as him being dead. I guess you didn’t write a different scenario for that.
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I did write a different scenario for that situation. It seems like there might be a bug in the code. Thanks for bringing it to my attention.
As for save system, I am still learning how to do that.
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Go to your game’s dashboard in dashingdon, and click Edit Details. Check the box next to Use CJW’s smPluginMenuAddon?. There’s a link next to it which tells you the code you need to add to your startup.txt file for this to work.
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I’ve done it now. Really appreciate your help with this!
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pretty good
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Thanks!
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Just a heads up, it currently says “Error: Bad Slot - Has smPlugin been included?”
Sadly, I’m dumb and can’t help myself. But I found this:
edit: they’re fixed
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Excellent story while I would have liked more time at the college of Sorcery can honestly say that my MC did everything he wanted getting an ending worth the time invested.
Though I was a bit surprised about the part when I could recruit a mythical companion without much effort or trials at all, the Basilisk was really interesting and really made my MC’s take better having it by his side but beyond stealing some of his life years the Basilisk was pretty chill and just by being in his company people were completely in awe with my MC.
Yet the tale felt particularly short? After defeating Azura the vampire kinda expected my archmage MC to be able to do more stuff, it is like yeah you kill your former mentor go on a little adventure and then bam the ending is there. Would have liked to explore the world more visiting other Kingdoms taking over the frown de posing the King even if the MC is ambitious enough, just in general getting a chance of doing more things beyond of course falling in love with the dusky beauty Ella is.
Here my MC’s stats, walked the path of a necromancer while being as power hungry and opportunistic as one would expect the game painting my guy as “Evil”, “betrayed Azura” and killed the old man mage for his post, romanced Ella and didn’t care much about the rest of the students so my relationships with them were pretty unremarkable.
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Thanks for the detailed feedback. And yeah I get exactly what you mean and had some of those thoughts too. still it’s great to know what worked well and what can be better. So thanks again!
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