[WIP] Antithesis - 90k words

What makes someone a monster? The choices they make throughout their lives? The actions they take? Their upbringing? Is it destiny? Are some people simply born that way?

But the most important question is, who are you willing to become a monster for?

Vague Plot Summary

You were born as a bastard into a family of powerful mages, hated and reviled since birth due to your abnormal status. You are the Antithesis, the opposite of what being a mage stands for. A series of events will lead you into open conflict with the society which hates your existence.

Features
  • Cut and rend your way through countless mages

  • Six unique romance paths you lock-in early in the story, changing your character’s future

  • Wield legendary weapons

  • Choose how and if magical society dies

  • SHOW THE WORLD YOUR RAGE

Brief Description of RO's

These are all subject to change

Name: Victoria Oliveira
Age: 21
Gender: Female
Height: 5’6
Description: The heiress to the Oliveira, The Lords of the Night. The person who lent you a lifeline. You owe your life to her and her family. How far are you willing to follow her when things go wrong?

Name: Na’rushalei Aiqah Uhania
Age: 28
Gender: Female
Height: 6’6
Description: Na’ru is a Thu’anayn, a race of dragon-like people; she is the last of her kind. You and Oliveira rescue her and take her into your care. She is the spark that lights the fires of war. Will you be willing to abandon everything for her to see tomorrow?

Name: Cassian Amadeus Atticus Italus
Age: 33
Gender: Male
Height: 5’11
Description: A god-tier mage and influential person in the magical community. One whose interest may align with yours. Will the two of you come to lean on each other in your crusade against the status quo?

Name: Morrigan Alakin
Age: 22
Gender: Male
Height:
Description: Your childhood acquaintance whom you were supposed to be forced to marry. This did not end up happening. Years later, your paths collide again. Only time will tell whether you are capable of playing nice anymore.

Name: Chloé Auclair
Age: 26
Gender: Female
Height: 5’11
Description: Chloé Auclair is a manipulative, conviving, callus, and bad person. She also offers you a lifeline. Only time will tell if you two can trust each other and work together.

Name: Hemah
Age: ???
Gender: Male
Height: 6’7
Description: “Fall on us and hide us from the face of him who is seated on the throne"*

What I am looking for
  • Typos, grammar, and other errors you find.
  • Continuity errors, I want to make sure it all flows right.
  • General critiques of the writing, just keep it constructive :slight_smile: .

Hello all, I’m Dr. Dense.

Some of you may recognize me from my other WIP, Broken Fable. Rest assured, I am still working on Broken Fable. Antithesis started as something I would write on the side when I was feeling overwhelmed and/or burnt out with Broken Fable. Over the years, it has actually turned into something I am quite happy with and think it is good enough to start sinking some effort into.

As always, have a good day, and I would appreciate hearing your thoughts!

Be warned: This story contains some dark elements. Overall, it is fairly light, but if reading about any of the below makes you uncomfortable, I recommend reading with caution and skipping anything you do not like.

Content Warnings
  • Depression
  • Suicide
  • Drug abuse, alcoholism, and smoking
  • A lot of murder and gore
  • Arranged marriage
  • Child abuse
  • Implied sexual assault

Demo: CoGDemos
Tumblr: @docterdenseif on Tumblr
Patreon: DrDense IF | Working on Broken Fable | Patreon

148 Likes

This is such a sick idea I can’t wait to see how it develops and how we get to develop our character! I wish you the best of luck in this new writing

3 Likes

My feedback so far is I feel like it’s awkward for the arranged marriage RO to be male only so my suggestion for that is change that by making it a gender selectable option. I also have noticed many errors regarding pronouns as I played as a male but I kept on getting referred to as her.

This is a pretty great start since the plot got me hooked quite instantly so I’m looking forward to more of this story to unfold in the future and more Victoria.

13 Likes

Will take a look at that later at the pronoun issue. I tend to write and just brain-off just start putting in pronouns. Thanks for letting me know.

The reason why the arranged marriage is male is really for symmetry, so there are 3 male ROLs and 3 female ROs, but I understand your reasoning. If it makes the story better, then I will change it.

Edit: Should be fixed. Just totally forgot to even include the commands to set the male pronouns :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:

10 Likes

you all ways surpass what makes a good game because this was just to good

2 Likes

Naa this book is better than Broken Fable

1 Like

Did you take inspiration from Mashle:Magic and Muscles ?

2 Likes

Two siblings born into a powerful magical family that treats them like crap, one has a little magic ability but is pretty much useless the other has no magical ability but compensates for it with with super human abilities, eventually the useless sibling is killed by the family and is avenged her sibling who goes on to brutally slaughter the entire family…author are you a fan of certain shonen manga?

7 Likes

Let’s all be honest he did a good job of making this story I can feel the taste of creativity on the romance options we’ll be stuck in a sector this means in my opinion no sequel I love it weirdly enough because it feels like that type of story it’s a built up action-packed and exciting story for me

2 Likes

I like the dynamic what can I say

13 Likes

A little bit. Also from stuff Like Black Clover, JJK, and the many other of the countless “strength vs. magic” titles

5 Likes

I will say this anyone hurts the dragon girl will have two things happen to thempulling out different instruments of painas a sibling and the older one I understand why my character pretty well

3 Likes

A few typo’s when refereeing to your eyes but I choose the option you lose one of yours, I will try and find them, I love this WIP. :face_holding_back_tears::sneezing_face:

3 Likes

I’ll admit when I first started playing I didn’t expect much but this has pleasantly surprised me, there’s a very solid start with a lot of potential. I’m also a big fan of the early ro lock, allows for a ton of replayability with the amount of scenes, dialogue, and i’m sure eventual story branches it causes from just the first couple of chapter. Can’t wait to see more

1 Like

Found a bunch of typos

Typos
  • “became the fist God rank mage is history” (first)

  • He sister is the plague.” (His not He)

  • THe veins in your body tighten”

  • Her grin is genuine this time” (Mc and Morrigan talking over coffee, sadly he isn’t female)

  • " Andrei only doesn’t like he because he had the misfortune of me being he sister" (I assume the first he is supposed to be him and the second his)

  • IS that all a person is to you” (Is)

  • i didn’t have her killed” (I)

  • You father. I killed them and many more” (Your)

  • “been struggling with he spellcasting” and right after “can’t speak from he point” (This seems to be a theme, might want to check all uses of this variable)

  • “His nose is shatters into countless fragments” (Shattered, or remove the is)

  • “believing his crazy ladies’ every word” (This)

  • “fun if I brought his here” and later “fetch this young man’s things and take her to her room” (From now on I won’t be posting these typos since there are so many)

  • YOu take in the verdant island”

  • “as a sharp smile spreads across her.” (I assume you forgot to add the word face, it just feels like the sentence abruptly ends)

  • “My tun father” (turn, this is during Victoria sparring with her father)

  • “Despite you sleep deprived body you spin around” (your, though you could also chang it to ‘Despite your body being deprived of sleep, you spin’)

  • “mouth you fear you may have a mistake” (It should be ‘you may have made a mistake’)

  • “Victoria learns forwards” (leans)

  • “As she swings it it grows” (Extra it)

When we first meet Victoria, there is just a massive amount of text describing her, over 3/4 of that block of text is just a description of her, so is half of the text in the next text block. might wanna cut that down a bit. You could just leave most of the physical description for the character bio like in Broken Fable.

Just so that You can visually see how much text is used to describe her

Victoria Description

“If you start killing random clowns, the Arcanium will sniff you out faster.” A feminine voice from behind causes you to spin around, gun raised. “Woah, how scary!” The woman stands roughly a head shorter than you, probably standing at about 5’6. Her skin and hair share the same pale-white hue, and when you notice her red eyes, you deduce she is albino. She wears a black laced leather halter top, exposing the tattoos that line her pale arms to the moonlight. On her left arm runs a thick black band from her wrist to her shoulder. On the black band the phases of the moon are depicted. On her right arm are a couple of black bands. One band is on her wrist, another on her elbow, and the third on her shoulder. Her top exposes her pale midriff, revealing her pierced belly button. She wears equally dark-colored shorts, and underneath them, she wears fishnet tights that cover the rest of her legs. Her outfit reveals much of her body, and at first glance, you can see how incredibly athletic she is. Her arms are toned, and you notice her chiseled abs.

Her snow-white hair is not completely white. The tips of her shoulder length hair are dyed red, matching with her eyes. Her bangs obscure her eyes when she leans forward, and you have a little trouble telling where she is looking. It must be intentional. Rings line her ears, filling the six piercings on each side. Her septum is also pierced, and a sleek black ring hangs from it, completing the look. It matches the color of the pitch-black lip gloss that gives her lips a dark shine. There is whimsical energy in her gate as she skips over to Jayce. He opens his mouth to plead, but instead, the woman lifts her boot off the ground. In a swift motion, it slams into Jayce’s temple, knocking him out cold.

The highlighted text is just her description

2 Likes

Can morrigan be gender selectable? It would make sense as they were supposed to have an arranged marriage with the mc.

5 Likes

Hookahs is a glass vase smoking pipe, just search the name and image and you will see, hard to give details of the item

4 Likes

Thanks, when I searched it up all I got for results were HOKAS shoes, guess I didn’t scroll down far enough.

2 Likes

When facing Devon and he says “Fulgur Custodia” meaning “Lightning Guard”. Just a suggestion you could use “Fulgur Carcer” or “Fulgur Carceris” which can mean “Lightning Prison” or " Prison Lightning". I know people aren’t that nit picky about words in Latin and prefer to enjoy the story but just for the people who are obsessive about the aspect

2 Likes

Promising power fantasy, few choices with little significance so far. I think the only game changing choices right now are who you choose to romance and I hope that changes in the future chapters. Maybe add more options when we are presented with them? Or add more choices overall because I felt like there are quite a few pages of text between each choice although it is not necessarily a bad thing. I hope just because we’ve chosen an RO doesn’t stop us from interacting and becoming friends with other ROs. A possible example would be:

Summary

After the assault on the island, even though we have not chosen to romance Victoria we interact with her often to show that we’re there for her.

Even simple flavor text and choices would be good for content and fleshing out the character instead of pushing them completely out of the picture.

6 Likes