“Well this has been fun but I think we should go.” She moves closer towards Eivan and I, “Let’s deal with this in private.”
Before I can possibly object, a hand pulls me and we soon disappear into the crowd.
*page_break
We enter a house similar to the ones I first saw exiting the forest.
Two sofas, a chair and a table is the only thing semblance of furniture that the house, specifically room, offers. Looking at anything else makes my head hurt trying to figure what exactly they are.
I feel intense eyes on me and I turn to look in its direction. Eivan is pacing around the room and Malias is looking at me earnestly.
Also I’m trying to edit the main post and add something. Am I only limited to a certain amount of edits?
-The first person pronoun in the first sentence should be in the accusative case, since it’s an object.
-I would use an Oxford comma after chair, but of course that’s not mandatory. But really, that entire sentence is just… weird.
-their* direction, since eyes is plural.
"Well, this has been fun, but I think we should go.” She moves closer to Eivan and me. “Let’s deal with this in private.”
Before I can object, a hand pulls me and we soon disappear into the crowd.
*page_break
We enter a house similar to those I saw while exiting the forest.
Two sofas, a chair, and a table are the only semblance of furniture in the house. Looking at anything else makes my head hurt trying to figure what exactly they are.
I feel intense eyes on me and I turn to look in their direction. Eivan is pacing around the room and Malias is looking at me earnestly.
Here’s my attempt at fixing your grammar. But honestly, I think the problem goes beyond grammar. For example, why don’t you describe what these objects inside the house are (the ones that apparently hurt the mc to look at)? Whose hand is pulling the mc into the crowd? What does having “intense eyes” on you feel like?
You might try using more descriptive words. For example, instead of “she moves closer to us”, you could describe how she moves. “She rushes towards us, making Eivan flinch” or “she leans towards us and lowers her voice.” etc etc.
I think you’d be better off trying to add more evocative description and think about how you want to set your scenes, rather than focusing only on the grammar.
But thats just my two cents
Just finished reading through once, and I dont really have much to add that hasn’t been said already. Lots of typos.
Definitely an interesting story concept, I’m greatly looking forward to seeing what comes of it. You’ve managed to leave me wanting more, which is always a good sign in my book.
I was wondering if you have considered coding with CSIDE, that would seem like the most sure fire way to clean up the spelling mistakes and prevent them in the future. I myself just started using it around last week and it is leaps and bounds better then Notepad & ++.
Also maybe condence traits and personality, too much personality traits makes me feel like I don’t necesarily know who my character is. Best wishes and good luck.
Firstly, a huge thank you for sharing this with us. I’m looking forwards to reading it
Feedback
It’d be nice to have a bit more customisation on what we look like. Such as eye colour, the style of hair instead of just length, and if you really wanted to go for customisation you could have height or clothes options.
I’m curious to ask about your decision to give the MC their last name instead of allowing players to choose. Nothing wrong with it per say, just not as common in interactive novels and I’m curious.
When picking where we are, the only option is ‘somewhere’. Not sure if there are supposed to be or planned to be more options. However, the page break option on the somewhere page is ‘Where are now?’, which isn’t grammatically correct. Maybe ‘Where are we/you now?’
Overall, I think this has good potential and I’m excited to read more. I think as an author you did a good job of establishing the mystique around their dream sequence or them getting lost which I like as I think it plays into the theme/genre you are exploring.
My first impression is pretty good, can’t talk about grammar errors cuz I didn’t find them and I just can’t English properly, only issue I found was with the custom surname option that is probably set to change the First Name and not the Last one.
Thanks for the response. I’ll fix any coding errors after I finish and release chapter 1. Happy to hear that you’re enjoying it so far and I hope whatever expectations you have for this WiP is fulfilled.
I’m not sure if this is only happening on my browser but when you’re inputting your name in the beginning, the last name gets used as the First name so when you eventually introduce yourself to the character in the woods you introduce yourself by your last name.
