The Fight for Home (WIP) (UPDATED 7/30)

gender-choice

#44

Hi, I got two repeating paragraphs while playing :sweat_smile:


#45

Sounds good can we be tortured


#46

You approach the warrior who was talking with Alfie a few minute ago.

minutes

You open your eyes, blink a few times to You see Alfie standing in front of you with a frown on his face. You flinch when you hear screams outside.

blink a few times and see Alfie in front of you ?
Or

blink a few times to find Alfie in front of you ?

“Kill them all!” The Commander orders. You can see the injure on his shoulder.

injury

And it does suck to be MC :disappointed:


#47

Hm, descriptins are better, although a little bit clipped (?) at places. But I’m sure you will improve by working on this story.

What if I’m interested in nobody and only here for the swords and fights?

And I think the placement of the question is weird. Also very noticable because the next page is only the original question for this page and nothing more…

You spend two hours in the training room. You’re so tired, you can barely walk.

That’s either a rather intense training or MC is just very weak…

That sounds weird, maybe “What are you doing?” would fit better (I honestly don’t see why MC should ask what it is as we plainly got told that it is a map before).

That day, you searched for Anna, but you never saw her again.

Is there a reason I searched for her? Because I can’t think of one. (Also wasn’t MC very tired? If they can’t barely walk how should they be able to search for her?)

…I also think that a little more nuances could make the choices better. By now it’s mostly one extreme or another rarely anything else and while this probably makes coding easier, normally people don’t just react in extremes.

You can’t believe he died because of you. Why didn’t he just leave? Why did he have to follow you?

I know this may will disappoint you, but the game still didn’t show me anything that justifies this reaction.

Okay…uhm, sorry to say this, but if saving the Commander ends in a dead end I don’t think you should give that option. This is just a badly thought out choice. That it will end with the death of the MC is in no way foreseeable, thus making it just an asspull. If you want to force the MC to go with Alfie it may be better to let the MC try to save the Commander, fail, but have Alfie survive and have MC’s decision influence their relationship negatively in a long term way. Otherwise may don’t give that option. Like I said it’s basically an asspull.

O_O …I mean, by now I’m used to people asking if the MC can torture people, but I think this the first time somebody asked specifically for the MC ending up being tortured…


#48

I smell… :nose:t4:
someone being masochistic.
:smiling_imp:


#49

Oh my God, are you playing the game to find mistakes? Lol this is DEMO. There will be a lot of mistakes. Also, thanks for fixing my typos and grammars, but please, do not try to change the way I’m writing the story. If you save Commander and you die, there’s something I know. MC found out something in that scene, but you probably didn’t pay attention. Never question author. Also, In that battle, you should run away if you don’t, you die that’s it. You can not fight against them. You have no super powers or anything. Everything that happens in that story has a reason. You can not understand this if you don’t finish the full game.

Thanks for taking your time to write comment.


#50

Um… You want MC to be tortured? Really? :thinking:

Sounds good!


#51

I played demo several times and noticed this: You have to talk to them because if you choose Commander and die you will learn a secret.


#52

Why MC should ask what are you doing as we plainly got told that he’s looking at the map.


#53

@Banan
So mc have to interested in romance if want to discover secret?
Edit:
I found one typo by the way:

Typo
  • And this is House Rodwell. It’s ruled by a Commander named Alexandria. She really cares about her people. He would even sacrifice herself for her people without hesitance."

She


#54

No, you don’t have to interest in romance. You will talk to them no matter what and if you choose to save Commander and die, you will find out the secret. Like I said, everything happens for a reason.


#55

Ah, I see now… Although I believe what @Sammysam try to say at this

Is why there no option to not interested in romance(what is it again, asexual?) :sweat_smile:


#56

I didn’t say anything about this @Bilmirem did.

Also, asexual people are interested in romance, but not sex :smile:


#57

You put out your demo for the public to read and to test, so of course I will search for errors, that’s in part what the forums are for: to give feedback. And you can expect feedback of various degrees and sometimes it will be more negative as you wish for. Better learn to deal with this as at least on the forum people will try to explain to you what and more importantly why they didn’t like things in contrast to some of the feedback already published works get.

And if you read topics that talk about people’s pet peeves while playing you will notice that one of the most common things mentioned are insta dead choices without any warning that lead to it (see Choosing between something and nothing: A pet peeve
How Acceptable are Death Choices: Choices That Result in a Players Death?
What are the worst kinds of choices?
The Issue of Player Death
No “Death” game, what would you think?
Death in Choice Games?
for more infos on why)

And yes I noticed that tidbit of informantion, but I don’t know what I should do with it as the MC is dead in case I choose that path, so don’t come at me with accusations. The problem is that at that time in game it is not foreseable that not choosing Alfie will lead to MC’s death no matter what and giving a choice that will always without warning lead to MC’s death is just bad style. MC’s death just for the tidbit of info is just no good exchange, except people like meta gaming and that’s not the case for all people here.

If you want to ignore this it’s your decision but don’t expect me to not point things like that out, because again this is the kind of choices that are for many people just frustrating without much value for the actual game, if you want to streamline the plot there are better ways to do so as giving a choice that leads to basically nothing. (And again if I’m nit metaplaying that small tidbit of information isn’t really worth MC’s death).

Aromantic in this case.

Honestly the point was more that “What is it?” sounds weird for me and me mentioning the first alternative that came to my head. Also the alternative I proposed was more what he is doing with the map, indicating curiosity by the MC why he has it, while sounding less clunky as “What is it”. It was a small suggestion, because for whatever reason “What is it” just sounds wrong in my mind. I guess because it’s a very clunky way to put it.


#58

First of all, I was joking. Of course, you can tell me errors/mistakes, but sometimes you find mistakes in the story which I don’t even call them mistakes. You can tell me grammar mistakes, typos or errors, but don’t tell me this part of story is unnecessary, because it is not. I would never add an unnecessary scene to game. I have been made a lot of games by using Twine, Tyranobuilder, and Renpy. I’m not an amateur. Yes, this is the first time I’m using ChoiceScript and if there’s any mistake, I would be so happy if you inform me about it. But, please, do not tell me to change story or scene.

Is not worth? You just found out the warrior who was talking with Alfie is one of Savages. It’s not important to you? It’s like an Easter egg.

Also, I’m sure you have played a lot of interactive games. There are always wrong choices in the game which lead to MC’s death or worse. Choosing to save Commander is one of those choices. If you were in that battle and chose to save Commander, you die. If MC never dies in the game, then it would be unrealistic.


#59

It is not, because again I normally don’t metaplay. It’s an information I would expect the gane to give anyway in some later chapters during the regular path. And if not I don’t see why I should need it.

Yeah, but “bad” choices should make sense for the player. Especially if they mean a restart of the whole game what it will most likely mean for a choice game.
And this choice is not bad because it leads to a “bad” ending, but because it’s execution is bad, for the points I already mentioned: It comes out of nowhere and heavily breaks the immersiom of the story.

First unrealistic doesn’t mean a worse game, second that MC would die in this fight is because you decided so, not because of realism and third the problem is that it comes out of nowhere, breaks immersion and the reward is very, very small in a way that’s not foreseeable when taking that option. MC can die in a choice game, but it should make sense and considering it will mean a restart of the game should be at least somewhat predictable for the player in the way that we can see what caused it. Choice of Rebels is a good example of a game that has the possibility for the MC to die, but it never feels cheap, it’s always a result of MC’s faults in contrast to this choice that just seems random. And as it only is meant to streamline the story and has no influence on the character building I just think that there are better option.

I tell you why a scene isn’t working for me. If that leads to you deciding to change the story or to just change the scene is always your decision.

But if you just don’t want any feedback to things like pacing or gameplay then okay. Won’t annoy you further with it.


#60

Thanks for understanding me.


#61

@Banan hmm your wip seems interesting but what makes me a bit less interested is… if your history is going to be like what you have writted so far, by it i mean the linear way ( you have a choice to save the commander that ends in the dead of the mc, you may call that a choice but is it? making that choice ends in death make it seems like we have no choice at all, i can understand your reasoning though and i have to ask if your wip is going to force us that way or is only at the start…)


#62

Can there be-

Alright… :zipper_mouth_face:


closed #63

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