The Fifth Horseman: Fear [WIP] (On Hiatus)

Hi, I didn’t want to do my homework so I decided to create a cog lol.
I don’t have much experience coding and I’ve never written a story before so there will be a LOT of mistakes. Have fun bros, also I have no idea what I’m doing.

Summary:

You’re an immortal. The Fifth Horseman.

10,000 years ago you fought in a war. A war where humanity was almost destroyed by flesh-eating demons commanded by Mallus the corruption. You ended the war, sending them back to where they came from and sealing their leader away, through a sacrifice. A sacrifice that left the other Horsemen heartbroken and you —into ash.

Left in the dark, alone and floating in a void of nothingness for years, you are reborn… As a human. You don’t remember anything from your past life and you grow up as a normal being, but you’re plagued with nightmares of things you can’t explain.

Things are fine until you started to dream of them while you’re awake, and they get worse when your nightmares start to become your reality and you’re forced into a world you once knew but can’t quite seem to remember.

Will you fight them and remember who you once were or will you allow yourself to be taken by the corruption?

~ Features ~

  • 4 ROs for you to sweep off your feet.
  • Play as male, female or a non-binary character.
  • Customise your MC the way you want to look.
  • Mysterious people that seems eerily familiar.
  • Witness the summoning of a demon that looks awfully similar to the ones in your nightmares.
  • An old granny trying to kidnap you.
  • And a great evil threatening to rise once more.

Have fun dealing with that!

ROs
~ Conquest ~

Alias: Willow Maelstrom

She has hair as dark as night, long wavy hair cascading down over shoulders and stopping by her waist with warm beige skin and jade eyes. She is 5’10 tall.

She’s the Boss and usually very calm even when put under immense amounts of pressure. The only time she won’t be calm is if the people she cares about are dying or aren’t taking care of themselves properly and she nice. She’s logical but sometimes her brain cells go, poof, when it comes to Fear.

She’ll do whatever it takes to makes sure the people she loves are safe.

She has great physical strength, speed and can sometimes sense people’s movements before they make it. She usually leaves people around her to feel calm but she can also make them feel any emotions she wants them to feel and use it against them if need be. The last time she used this power was during the final battle in the war 10,000 years ago and she hopes she’ll never have to do it again.

~ War ~

Alias: Riker Halloway

5’9. This oblivious habanero boy has short, blood-red hair slicked back, with porcelain skin and violet eyes and a scar on his right eyebrow.

He’s the playful one in the gang and loves to joke around, but can be a little short-tempered. In battle, he can be very impulsive which sometimes leads to him getting unnecessary injuries though because he is the best fighter he usually kills before they get the chance to hurt him. Swears a lot.

He has great physical strength, speed. He is much faster than the other Horsemen and can destroy his enemies in a single strike before they land a hit on them. He also has more energy to burn and can go without sleep for weeks and even able to share his energy with the other horsemen and give them a boost of strength and energy. The last time he used this power was during the final battle during the war 10,000 years ago where it drained him so much it almost killed him.

~ Famine ~

Alias: Bruce Maxwell

6’0. This tree has curly brown hair flowing down to his jaw, with rosy beige skin and electric blue eyes, never taking off the necklace his mother gave him.

He’s like the dad of the gang always making sure everyone is eating enough vegetables and getting enough sleep if you do something stupid, he will lecture you on why that stupid thing is stupid. He mostly does this to War. Gets partnered with War a lot because he knows how to trick him into not doing anything stupid.

He has great physical strength, speed and can control any the plants around him, using it against his opponents. He can also mutate the plants into something stronger, deadlier and more monstrous, removing his enemies out of his path. The last time he used this power was during the final battle during the war 10,000 years ago. He’ll do it again if it means keeping his people safe.

~ Death ~

Alias: Primrose Greymark

5’7. She has beach curled, silver ash hair just past her shoulders, with light tan skin and grey eyes and a beauty spot right under her left eye.

She’s the doctor in the gang (lol) and always tries her best to save people who have done no wrong. She is always kind to everyone but if you get on her bad side she will go Inigo Montoya on you, so prepare to die. She and War usually have weird competitions.

She has great physical strength, speed and is able to control the shadows, turning it into the weapon she’d need, which is usually a scythe. She can also raise the dead to fight for her though it can sometimes drain her energy a lot, leaving her more vulnerable so she uses it as a last resort. The last time she used this power was during the final battle in the war 10,000 years ago.

Warnings
  • Kidnapping
  • Blood (gore)
  • Violence
  • Mass death, decapitation
  • PTSD
  • Torture
  • Swearing
  • Alcohol
  • More may be added later on.
Updates
25/10/20

I finished the route for Famine and War and I could not for the life of me think of anything to write for Famine so it’s short. On to chapter 2 now! hahaha. I also added a non-binary option for my pals and a changed the end a lil bit.

23/11/20

Finished chapter two hahaa.
In this update.

  • Get a puppy
  • Food fight
  • A gun
  • And hahaha
16/12/20
  • I fixed most of the bugs. I think lol.
  • added more sentences in when you meet the ROs to make it easier to read? Added a choice when in the bar with willow somewhere, can’t remember haha.
  • fixed some grammar and typos. There could be a few I missed. (I am currently running on caffeine only.)
  • added a few sentences here and there because it seemed bland, probably still is to some people but oh well.
  • added a bit more in the first scene with the maker.
  • there are probably a few things I’m forgetting to mention, and probably even more I forgot to do. Haha oops.
17/12/20
  • I added a bestiary so you’d know more about the creatures you meet along the way.
  • Added a section of other character you’d meet in the future.
  • Changed up the relationship part so you’d only see the flirting points when you choose who you want to romance.
  • I plan on giving adding a choice to lock the romance in the future, just gotta figure how to do that, but yeah. That’s pretty much it.
01/01/21
  • Meet a demon.

  • Explore a mansion-ish.

*Romance a person.

*Get trapped in a room.

*Bloodlust?

Here’s the Demo and I also have a Tumblr if you want to know more about the cog :]

475 Likes

i haven’t tried the demo yet but do the premise sound awesome and unique (:

4 Likes

Finally, the game where I can be a potato. \jk

The premise does sound interesting, so good luck~

13 Likes

Though brief, the Potato route was hilarious, and entirely worth it. :rofl:

You have a pretty good story here, and I’ll look forward to reading more as, and when you feel like adding your next update. Schedules aren’t necessary to the creative process; take your time having fun with it! :blush:

7 Likes

I enjoyed this very much always had an interest in the horsemen… reminded me a bit of darksiders.

Also small error near the end when conquest brought me home I was a male thou I was described as a woman( her, sister, etc…) overall good story I love the premise keep it up.

3 Likes

Hey, interesting wip, I enjoyed it so far.
Whoever, when Conquest takes my MC home and starts talking to the MC’s sister, the MC’s pronouns appear as female in the dialogue when I selected the MC’s gender as male, you should check that out.

Best of luck with the Wip!

3 Likes

I really love the premise of this and I think I’ll happily follow this story along as it progresses.

I did notice quite a few spelling mistakes (particularly commas and points).

I’ll give an example with this bit:

Your text

“I’m fine Death” you assure her. Her brow knit in concern eyeing your blood soaked clothes “you were gone for some time, we were worried something had happened to you”

“nothing happened to me but the boy here is injured” you gesture to the injured child.

She crouches down to their level raising her hand to the boy’s neck before stopping. She looks at the child “may I” she asks with a soft voice. They nod, giving her permission she slowly tilts his head to the side and examines his wound. After the examination she puts some ointment on the wound and wraps a bandage around it, she gives the boy a smile and he returns her smile with his own.

“don’t worry little one, the wound isn’t deep and should heal in a few days” She turns to the young girl, and with her permission she examines her as well, putting ointment on the scratches she received.

You’re about to leave to check on your horse when Death gently grabs your wrist. “please sit” you know she won’t stop bugging you until you sit so you do as she says. The adrenaline of the battle fades away, replacing it with fatigue. You wince when you suddenly feel a sharp pain in your side.

Noticing Death lifts your shirt, revealing a gnash on your side. you hadn’t realised you were injured, you just assumed the blood was from the demons you killed. With the adrenaline wearing off you start to really feel the pain.

“Not so fine now are you” she clicks her tongue.

“I’m immortal remember” you remind her.

“You may be immortal but you still bleed and feel like every other mortal, remember.”

Same text with corrections and some things I felt sounded better

“I’m fine, Death,” you assure her. Her brow knits in concern as she eyes your blood-soaked clothes. “You were gone for some time, we were worried something had happened to you.”

“Nothing happened to me, but the boy here is injured.” You gesture to the child.

She crouches down to his level, raising her hand to the boy’s neck before stopping. She looks at the child. “May I?” she asks with a soft voice. He nods, giving her permission. She slowly tilts his head to the side and examines his wound. After the examination, she puts some ointment on the wound and wraps a bandage around it, giving the boy a smile which he returns gingerly. [I put “gingerly” in there cause the shorter sentence I created sounded off without an added description.]

“Don’t worry little one, the wound isn’t deep and should heal in a few days.” She turns to the young girl, and with her permission she examines her as well, putting ointment on the scratches she received.

You’re about to leave to check on your horse when Death gently grabs your wrist. “Please sit.” You know she won’t stop bugging you until you sit so you do as she says. The adrenaline of the battle fades away, replacing it with fatigue. You wince when you suddenly feel a sharp pain in your side.

Noticing, Death lifts your shirt, revealing a gash on your side. You hadn’t realised you were injured, you just assumed the blood was from the demons you killed. With the adrenaline wearing off you start to really feel the pain.

“Not so fine now, are you?” She clicks her tongue.

“I’m immortal, remember?” you remind her.

“You may be immortal, but you still bleed and feel like every other mortal, remember?”

I honestly can’t tell you why, when and how some rules apply. Those were just some quick edits I know intuitively. And I’m pretty sure I missed some commas cause they suck and omg why do they exist. I get those wrong all the time. So you’re not alone! :smiley:
Some general rules, though:

  • Question marks shouldn’t be forgotten
  • Capitalize the beginning of every sentence, even if it’s a spoken sentence.
  • The exception is when you continue a spoken sentence:
    “Like this,” she said, “and this.”
    Then you put a comma and continue with a lowercase “she”.
    If it’s not something like “she said”, “he asked” etc. Then it will look like this, though:
    “Don’t worry.” He shrugged. “At least I won’t.”

So this is just a small sample and I’d recommend you go through your WIP again to check (or get someone else to check - the smart way). :slight_smile:

On story aspects:
The biggest issue for me when I played was that I chose a non-alcoholic drink at the end and still the story continued as if I was drunk - which makes no sense. On the flip side, if I had chosen an alcoholic drink I would have preferred having control over whether the MC got drunk or not.

Which brings me to more subjective feedback:
I would like more control over my MC. Right now, their personality has some set traits (like kind, independent) which are usually ones I choose anyway, but I’d still like to be able to choose it myself. Notable moments: when the doctor checks on you in the bathroom. I thought “this is weird”, but the MC’s answer is set to be kind and thoughtful, but there are so many other options.
Or when Death gives you the bitter medicine! You could have any one of these options for flavor:

  • She’s right, you wouldn’t have taken it. That cheeky little shit.
  • You look at her confused. That doesn’t sound like you.
  • “You’re confusing me with War.” [War is just an example]
  • You don’t comment.

So those are just my two cents :slight_smile: Happy writing!

22 Likes

I LOVED BEING A POTATO!
I haven’t played the entirety of the demo yet except for the potato route but… BOOKMARKED! xD

1 Like

This is one of the best thing I ever read

1 Like

I love this. It needs work but for a first draft of the beginning it’s really good

1 Like

War…war never changes. :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:

8 Likes

I forgot to take a SS but in the hospital when we meet the doctor, she was referred to as “women” twice though I think 'twas supposed to be “woman” - hehehe!


I chose the ‘nervous’ option ~ I suppose the bottom one is for another choice?

In the bar with Casper and meeting Willow
image
I chose the non-alcoholic drink, Shirley Temple but ended up “drunk” anyway. The next passages also confirms that MC indeed gets drunk. hehhe

your WIP really is interesting, and I’d like to see more of it.
Anyway, I’m no expert but I heave read a lot of CoG WIPs… I think the delivery, some dialogues need a lil bit of polishing but all in all, I think you’ve done well. :+1:

4 Likes

I thought pestilence was one of the 4 horseman?

3 Likes

I played the potato route. Man, that was freaking hilarious :joy:

2 Likes

The premise sounds super interesting!!! And im always a sucker to playing a MC that has negative powers

1 Like

The premise is really awesome!! There’s a few mistakes but I liked what you got so far, keep up the good work.

1 Like

Sounds amazing so do we have memories before twenty one of growing up and knowing about the time we are in

1 Like

Sounds fascinating!

1 Like

I liked it very very much, and I am very interested to see where this goes, best of luck!

1 Like

AFAIK conquest and pestilence are one and the same.