I’ve been a nerd all my life; I saw “Star Wars” in the theater on opening weekend in 1977. I was cosplaying at New York Comic Con before it was called “cosplay” (Or even “Comic Con”). I’m such a huge fan of post-apocalyptic video games that one of the “Fallout” games contains a reference to my fan-fiction. But that is a story for another day…
After four decades of this lifestyle, I had begun to embrace the introverted “Socially Awkward” stereotype. In an effort to be more outgoing, I decided to become the polar opposite of my geeky identity. And, if I learned anything from teen movies in the 80’s, it’s that “Cheerleader” is the polar opposite of “Nerd”.
At an comic book convention, I had heard about a nationwide community of adult cheerleading teams that are also charities. In New York there are three such teams as of this writing, Cheer New York, Gotham Cheer, and Cheer For A Cause. But at the time I decided to become a cheerleader, there was only one, to protect the privacy of the team members, I’ll avoid using the organization’s real name. We’ll call them “Liberty City Cheer.”
Liberty City Cheer had been around for 15 years but I had never heard about it. Even if I had heard about it, I would have been too cynical and misanthropic to join.
The team’s website informed me that they have training clinics in the weeks ahead of their try-outs. Two sessions of three-hours each, so that people can brush up on their cheer skills or, in my case, learn the rudiments of cheerleadering. Even though I had no experience, I figured that with a couple of weeks preparation, I could pass muster.
After all, I had a few things going for me. First was my spirit! I wanted to do this very badly. Not just as payback against high-school mean girls who thought I wasn’t cool enough thirty years ago. But I hoped to become a more outgoing, altruistic person. The team was focused on charity work, and if dressing up like a cheerleader was what it took to bring out my philanthropic streak, then that’s what I was going to do!
I had been aware of the team for a few months before I actually tried out. They hold tryouts twice a year and, if I’d had the courage, I could have tried out six months earlier but, I found myself thinking, “I could never do that.”
Never, ever, in a million years.
The team’s website has videos of people being thrown fifteen feet in the air. Human pyramids stacked three people high. Tumblers doing flips on asphalt streets, and dozens of dancers doing choreography in perfect synchronization like the Rockettes.
I would soon learn that there’s a bit of smoke and mirrors involved; three strong people can lift a small flyer with relative ease, assuming they have practiced the proper technique. People are placed in stunt positions that best suit their body type. Only the best tumblers do backflips on concrete (And occasionally there are injuries). The dancing is the result of months of practice just to learn a minute of choreography. And the synchronized stunts are much easier when everyone has drilled for hours, counting along to the same beats.
I didn’t know any of that before I joined the team. All I knew was that these cheerleaders seemed inhumanly amazing. Aside from the athletics, they were also beautiful. I considered myself pretty. Relatively tall, relatively thin, a cute nose, and nice eyes (Counterbalanced by my crooked teeth and broad jawline).
I also knew that my beauty was the result of artifice. I wear a lot of makeup. My tiny waist is from a corset. Opaque dance tights and high heels make my legs look longer and more toned than they really were. Carefully chosen and tailored clothing make the most of my flat chest, wide shoulders and narrow hips. The only thing about me that isn’t fake are my fingernails and eyelashes. Genetics and good nutrition make them grow fast, and strong.
The pretty brunette who was always at the top of Liberty City Cheer’s pyramids had dazzling white, perfectly straight teeth. How pretty would I look standing next to her, smiling with my crooked teeth? When I was also sweating through my makeup. No corset or tights, just bare skin exposed on my legs and belly. Would anyone look close enough to admire my long, natural eyelashes? No.
I realized that I didn’t even own sneakers. I had to order some just for this. I tried to remember my last set of sneakers… Over twenty years ago when I took some fencing lessons. Dedicated dilettante that I am, I’ve studied a little fencing, a little knife fighting, and earned a green belt in karate before turning to cheerleading. Oddly enough, cheerleading has resulted in more injuries than all those other activities combined.
Unlike my previous short-lived hobbies, I hoped this cheerleading thing would stick. At least long enough for me to wear out the new pair of kicks I had bought. “Kicks,” apparently, is what the kids these days call their sneakers.
The team’s website states that the tryouts and clinics are three hours long. I wasn’t sure I could do any kind of athletic activity for three hours. What was a slender-yet-out-of-shape geek to do? I turned to video games, of course!
Several months before I began my career as a cheerleader, I had won a cosplay contest. The grand prize was a Nintendo Wii-U. That’s the old game console with motion-sensing controllers. One of its selling points was that it could be used for exercise.
I had only been using my new game console to fight zombies (Naturally), but now I had an excuse to invest in the “Wii-U Fit” program. And… there are cheerleading games for it!
These games don’t teach much about real cheerleading, as I would learn soon enough. Mostly you just dance around your living room, waving the game controllers like pompoms. Because they were made for an older console, the song list is humorously outdated, and has hit songs from the early 2000’s. Still, it’s the kind of music that my younger teammates might have listened to in high school (On average, my teammates turned out to be fifteen years younger than me. A few were less than half my age).
In the game, I catch songs from old chick flicks, like “Legally Blonde.” There are also early Lady Gaga songs, and Katy Perry. Other songs by artists that I’ve never even heard of, but my new teammates probably know by heart. The youngest members of the team might even think of “Legally Blonde” as some really old movie with that old lady from “The Morning Show.”
The games also let players customize their on-screen character. Many games, not just ones about cheerleaders, allow players to create a unique character and meticulously sculpt their appearance. My wife, on many occasions, has peeked over my shoulder while I’m playing a game and uttered, “Wow! She looks just like you!”
So, in my cheerleading game, I make a virtual me. I get the face and hair as close as I can to my own. She even wears glasses just like mine. Most important of all, she’s wearing a red, white and blue uniform just like the team I intend to join.