"I don't understand it" is the new "I don't want to listen"?


#1

I find it a bit tricky to put it in words, but what I am wondering is; “I don’t understand it” is the new excuse for being an absolute jerk?

Until which point is acceptable to be “oblivious”? As in, just how insensitive can you be? Like, sure, I know that sometimes, when you don’t understand something you may come off as rude or say something thoughtless without meaning to. But then there are those people that even when you have explained something like 10 times or so, they still come off as rude or inconsiderate because they refuse to listen.

An example; I once met this uncouth oaf who was just being plain rude and once told me: “regardless, you’ll be always a girl to me, even in your boyish lady days ^_^” (and yes, with the emoticon included) after I explained them that I was non binary and what dysphoria felt like. Then, when I got angry at them they were all like “well, explain it to me, I don’t understand it”. It was like that over and over, and it ended bad.

I know that some subjects are tricky and that not everyone may understand them, like dysphoria to cisgender people (it can be something else, of course), but! Even if they don’t, until which point is it comprehensible to overlook their bad-mannered or offensive comments, thinking that maybe, just maybe, they didn’t mean to sound like pricks?


#2

You don’t have to justify yourself to anyone. If people continue to be jackasses to you after you explain a thing, they’ll forever be jackasses. Shift them into the jackass box and move on.


#3

As someone that really tries to understand things, I tend to push when I don’t understand them. Sometimes people think I’m really not listening or I just don’t want to understand or that I must be so stupid for not understanding.

I’ve accidentally harmed friendships without meaning to.

Sometimes in sensitive or touchy subjects I need my friends and family to act as my filter to tell me “quit for now” because like a terrier after a rat, I sometimes get tunnel focus and don’t recognize frustration, hurt or whatever.

My suggestion would be to tell that person you need some space for now

But as a person on the receiving end of such declarations I hope you really do go back to them.

The hardest thing for me to accept is when I drive a friend away and they never tell me when I’ve given them enough space.

Sometimes when they say they really don’t understand they may really not understand.

Anyways Lycoris,

I know your a caring person so, as I said, tell this person you need some space, then when your ready go back to them. If you never want to deal with them again, that is ok too, just be honest about it - I know I appreciate honesty, even when I don’t understand.

Sorry but I can’t disagree more with this statement.


#4

Oh They understand it but they don’t want to admit it. Because that could change the closed mindset they have. For that people there is or A male or B female. Nothing more nothing less. The more open maybe could accept that B want become A and vice versa. But the existence of Z or People A or B that still being A or B physically are in all effects the contrary gender is beyond their mind and they don’t want to admit that reality. They don’t want to understand


#5

There are lot of people that don’t want understand they want insulating you and changing you. Or calling you mentally ill because you are trans or gay. I have seen being mistreated my best friend for people who claimed just wanted understand why he was a degenerate.


#6

I understand Mara. (20char)


#7

It depends, some people need a long time to understand things and much explanation. But when it becomes clear that most of the time you are busy to educate them - in the worst case because they can’t even do a minimum of own research and not because they are really interested - that can become very tiring.

Generally when the contact to someone else is mostly tiring/straining for you it’s your good right to put a stop to it. Maybe tell those people what’s the problem but if they still don’t change anything about it, it is probably the best to move on.


#8

I actually agree that not understanding became a new excuse. I mean, if you don’t understand, educate yourself on the subject, more so if you have people on your social circle that need you to.


#9

Not justify, but explain :smile: Like, when someone does something wrong, my first thought is that they surely didn’t do it on purpose, so I try to find out what’s wrong, what they don’t understand, or if there was some sort of mistake :relieved: But it’s not like I can do much if they happen to be like that :confounded:

One thing is not quite grasping a concept (which can totally happen! I often struggle with technology related things, for example) and another one is being an absolute ass; like someone repeatedly asserting me as a female when I tell them I’m not. That’s the difference.

That’s so sweet of you :blush: But things are a bit complicated when you deal with an hypocrite who’s as mature as a 13-year-old :disappointed:

Sigh that’s a very sad thing. Like, they claim they understand (what a fat lie), then start saying very insensitive things, and feel like they have the right to be annoyed at you. The worst thing? That person was the very same example of white-cisgender-heterosexual-male that I didn’t understand why was so disliked in some circles, but now I do :disappointed:

Exactly! They didn’t even bother in making a single search via internet :rage: That really grated on my nerves, like, I threw tons of explanations and links at them, and they didn’t read any of them :rage: :rage: :rage:

:point_up: :point_up: :point_up:


#10

It depends on the person. Personally, as a cis-male, I don’t ‘understand’ dysphoria. I’m still going to do my damnedest to use the correct pronouns for a person, though. You identify as male? ‘He’. You identify as female? ‘She’. You identify as neither? ‘They’. You identify as both, depending on the day? I’ll do my best to use the proper one for any given day, though I may ask about it or default to ‘they’ if I’m uncertain.

As has been mentioned, though, there are some people who don’t want to understand. In those cases, @LordOfLA is right - you just throw them into the ‘jackass box’ and don’t waste your time.


#12

Well, of course it’s not anything like a “them against us” plight when it comes to cisgender, transgender and non binary people, but the fact that they refuse to listen and think they can be as tactless as they want, claiming that since they don’t understand, they are free to do as they please.

It’s fine if you can’t bring yourself to really know what dysphoria is like (believe me, it’s better if you don’t! :smile:) but is a big step that you’re willing to respect people :blush: Sadly, not everyone is like that. When the questions come from people with attitudes such as yours, they are welcomed, because they are done with respect :relaxed:

@ThatOneGuy1 I don’t really like being mean, but sometimes it’s the only option :disappointed_relieved:


#13

Nuance can be difficult to assess on both sides of a discussion, especially with context or how well you know the person. I consider myself a good listener and also try to have respectful discussions to persuade people when I feel passionate about something, which has happened many times. Sooner or later, though, yeah, I think everyone comes across someone who seems like a lost cause.

I believe a lot of people really do try to understand, but for whatever reason (upbringing, egocentrisim, naivete, lack of experience, etc.), they are unable to wrap their heads around something they can’t directly relate to. Others pretend to care, but really are just hearing to respond with their own point of view that was already set long before you came along, not listening to understand. I also find that when people are young, they are more likely to snap to these judgements, but can soften or even regret harsh words later.

I’m sorry you feel you have experienced some real opposition to your true self, but I hope that with time you will be able to find and surround yourself with more people that don’t feel you owe them an elaborate explanation (or five). At the same time, I hope your experiences haven’t completely turned you off to the possibility of opening someone’s mind and improving their entire world view with a few insightful words. It may be far more rare, but it happens.


#14

yes, hypocrisy and intentional hurtful behavior is different. This is something only you can decipher and make a judgement on and if that was your conclusion it is best to get space away from them.

I was only writing from a perspective perhaps not known or acknowledged for whatever reason and felt it might add balance to the majority of posts.


#16

Yes, I understand that we, as humans, may be complicated and we have tons of different shades (we are terribly gray colored), but sometimes there are things that are just black or white :disappointed_relieved: It’s sad that some people happen to have such major lack of empathy in them, alas that’s the world for you. A lot of times it’s the “me me me” that some can’t get over with, to realize that it’s just a simple “you”. Well, at least I learned some things, even if they aren’t pleasant; what kind of flags I have to pick up when tlaking to people, for example. Red flags are useful (black in this case… we don’t have red) :flag_black:

Your input is always appreciated! :blush:

@ThatOneGuy1 I didn’t…? :disappointed_relieved:


#17

I found out who did. Sorry, bud. :slight_smile:


#18

Only for the second post :stuck_out_tongue:


#20

Buzzfeed says the polite British response to needing to cut off a line of inquiry or request is “I can’t be bothered.” That sounds way off-putting to an American ear, so I was curious if it was true.


#21

It is a very abrupt end to a conversation, however it can be conveyed differently depending on tone of voice.


#22

Human nature is to follow the path of least resistance.


#23

Well, there’s two things going on that I don’t think have been mentioned yet.

One, sometimes people are just fucking stupid. We expect them to be able to understand simple concepts, because we can understand them. We are able to learn new words and new ideas. Some people cannot. There’s no such thing as common sense.

Two, sometimes people don’t understand something (it’s natural, we all live different lives and can’t directly experience each other’s) and are unintentionally assholes about it. They ask clinical questions, based on things they’ve read, as if they were in a classroom. They forget it’s someone’s life they’re talking about - the person they’re talking to.

This is often upsetting, personal stuff to talk about, which is why there aren’t more sources for it - that’s why they had to ask us in the first place. Then they get excited, forget that we’re people and not knowledge dispensers, and don’t realize that educating people is freaking exhausting. In these cases, they probably didn’t mean to wring our brains out like sponges, they had no idea what they were doing wrong by not understanding and asking again and again.