Thanks, the mc possibly seeing their younger self on TV would have a much more visceral impact (it still happens when they’re 15, right? So the mc is forced to relive the events all over again.) and the main part of the actual revenge still happens at 17-18, in the last year of high school that features the big, senior proms in the US, correct?
Also don’t forget the element of one of the tormentors possibly having made quite a bit of (social media ad) money of off that video going viral.
My gay mc rejects her of course, so in my mc’s universe at least that might make her pissed enough to go along with it, even though being gay is not a choice and my mc simply isn’t into girls and it had nothing to do with her as a person.
OUCH. Ouch ouch ouch. That hit me right in the feels. It really didn’t help that Rose and Michael are also the names of one of my characters.
“…Ew”
I kinda knew it would happen, but that was just heartbreaking.
And yeah, I’m a bit curious why Dylan and Olivia helped the bullies considering you didn’t really do anything bad to them, especially with Dylan fixing the statue. But I understand if it’s a spoiler.
I’m a bit sad there isn’t any customization, but I guess that’s not very important.
Also, I think it would be nice if we got a few more interaction scenes with the parents. Especially after the incident. Is there a particular reason why we have to lie to them?
And I think 8 divorces is a bit too much. Is that even allowed? It felt a bit too convenient for me that the MC is just suddenly rich like that. I would have at least liked to learn more about my daddies.
Typos and corrections
A typo:
“I wouldn’t call him a friend… He just asked me about my homework anwers.”
Should be answers.
Also, dialogues should end with a comma if there’s a dialogue tag (he said, she said) following it, since it’s part of the same sentence.
“You should totally ask me to the dance.” said Olivia in a sarcastic way “Maybe I’ll even accept!”
This should be
“You should totally ask me to the dance,” said Olivia in a sarcastic way. “Maybe I’ll even accept!”
There should also be a period after “way” since the sentence ends there.
“Here” you said while offering her some of your biscuits “I don’t like them, you can have them.”
“You know, this dance is gonna be sooo cool!” said Vivian "Rose and Michael…
There should be a comma after Here and a period after biscuits and Vivian.
I was also wondering about the 9 dads, as well as how sudden the divorce felt. I think even if you don’t put in full fledged scenes with the parents, it might be a good idea to at least mention the MC’s parents arguing or an incident the MC might brush off as strange like one of your parents asking which of them you’d prefer living with or something. Also, couldn’t the mom just marry one really rich dude who travels a lot for his job? And you as the MC just hate them? Or they don’t treat you right? It also might be fun to be able to choose how you feel about your mom.
EDIT: Oh wait, I forgot to say that I really enjoyed the Demo! It looks like a fun premise, taking all the wacky nonsense that was high school and adding a character obsessed with petty revenge would be fun. I guess the only line you really need to be carful of is at what point does it get too real? But hopefully there’s the potential for the MC to maybe even get some help and grow as a person and make connections again.
@idonotlikeusernames I wanted to add something on the age thing. From my point of view, if an 11 year old kid does something stupid or bullies someone (something even I might have done sometimes during my childhood), he can mature a lot and regret what he’s done. If a high school bully humiliated you, he wouldn’t change much going into college. Also, I’m not sure if he’s gonna be a senior or a junior. He saw the video when he was 15 but I plan him to actually watch the video much later. To have an emotional moment where he sees the moment again from a 3rd person perspective.
@Franzinyte I plan on doing the customization in the next chapter, where you decide his new look and the old look. And I did the whole 9 dads thing more as a joke (not that I don’t take divorce seriously but if his mother divorced once or twice there would be a more serious tone to it), since our MC’s main focus will be the revenge. I tried not to push too many problems on him. But the 9 fathers will be mentioned from time to time. Thanks for the corrections. I’ll use the excuse that English is my second language.
I’d really strongly advocate for senior since then the mc can be 18 and thus an adult and have much more freedom, which, among other things means he can legally change his name (kinda stupid to come back all physically changed but with the exact same name, or even just the first name if you can use the last name of mom or your latest stepfather). It also means they’d have much more discretion in how to actually spend money and can have a really nice car and the freedom to move around on their own, which you really won’t have if the mc is still restricted to bikes and the school bus.
Also the senior prom is the big event of an American highschool kid’s life, or at least that’s what all the Hollywood movies and shows tell me. Senior, not Junior prom seems to be where it is at.
Lastly if the mc is 15 when he starts preparing his revenge I’d strongly advocate for giving them at least 2 years to change everything about themselves, get buff, get contacts, etc…
Well, hey, if it made mom a billionaire… Like mother, like son, eh? Particularly if the mc is planning on breaking a few hearts of their own as revenge.
Sure is, at least according to our secular, Dutch laws. That mom has to be a superb and supremely cunning seductress to deceive and lure so many rich guys into her trap in such a short amount of time and is able to always settle the divorces quickly (which likely means the mc hasn’t gotten their revenge talents from a stranger as one of the only reasons rich people have to not let divorce proceedings drag out for years is if one or both of them have got really damaging blackmail on the other).
On the other hand as she gets richer and richer herself some rich guys likely see her as a challenge.
It is at least a refreshing change from having an enormous inheritance just dumped on you because all of great-granduncle adolphe’s heirs before you got killed in a terrorist attack or something.
To really indulge in revenge you need to have a certain level of material wealth enough to both facilitate your schemes and keep you away from a demanding job and career that’s gonna take up all your time and energy.
I think it works better if the fortune is mom’s (and likely eventually yours by inheritance). If she just marries a billionaire they are likely to have other kids and family who compete for the money and it means you’re dependent on step-dad for money, who is likely to be far less indulgent then mom and can cut you off at any time. Not a stable basis to plot revenge Monte-Christo style.
The only way that could work out different is if the mc and their billionaire step-dad on the contrary get really close, close enough that step-dad finds out the real truth and becomes the mentor character helping the mc on their path to revenge.
I rather like evil and cunning seductress mom though.
That’s only if you just have a permit which you can get when you’re around 15. If you have your license (which you can legally get at 16), you can drive around unchaperoned all you like.
I played through the demo and it was pretty interesting! A good start!
I was wondering though, since the premise involves people not remembering you, if being trans can factor in? It would be kind of neat if the MC discovered that about themselves after moving considering it does happen around/after puberty…
I got major ‘Carrie’ vibes from the demo, which I mean as a compliment! I actually think the relationship buildup between the friends made what happened more tragic…Ouch, poor MC.
Your characters are very engaging and I’m particularly intrigued by Olivia and learning more about her motivation for what went down.
That still leaves the inability to legally change your name before 18, like I said kinda stupid to come back all physically transformed but with the exact same name(s). Although using mom’s, or one of our 8 dad’s besides the first’s, last name(s) might help a bit. Also it leaves the fact that minors, even if mom is very indulgent, are very restricted in how they can actually spend money.
Still I suppose it might be possible to convince mom to give the mc a new first name, but that would likely entail letting her in on the humiliating secret (and doing so legally in a country where the consent of his first dad isn’t required to do so before 18).
Loving the demo so far! Also I feel like this is less like Carrie and more of “the most popular girls in school” (the web series) because of how much teenagers will stabbed people’s back for manipulation. Also the 9 fathers joke reminds me of the joke from Bojack horseman season 4.
Well anything that would make it easier to expose the mc would be a weakness. Maybe give them a middle name they can use instead then? That way it is a little bit less necessary to change the first name.
I would also, again, advocate for letting the mc have a car and a valid driver’s license, makes getting around and seducing people much easier then having to do so with a pedal driven bike or the school bus. Plus a nice car really would be one of the benefits of the mc being a filty rich kid now.
Oh cool! Thanks for considering it at least! Can’t have too much trans rep.
Though you may have to consider the fact that the characters would have known you by a different gender… So it’s definitely something that may have to handled carefully if you choose to include it.
And I agree with @idonotlikeusernames and having a name change feature though I get the feeling it may be for different reasons.
Like a lot of people I was a bit skeptical about MC hanging onto their hate for that long and being obsessed with revenge for 6-7 years, but I wanted to withhold judgement until I read the demo, and I’m glad I did.
MC did not make many friends and by that age had only made 2, so it makes a lot of sense that their betrayal would impact them that much more-- especially if MC assumed Dylan was becoming friends with the bullies, because then the bullies “befriending” MC seemed more believable, especially since MC had no reason to not trust their best friends.
As for holding onto the grudge–
MC was ripped away from that school before they had the chance to process what happened. There was no chance for apologies or explanations, so they were left with just the memories of what happened and theit own visceral reactions to it. Then with moving frequently and having 9 fathers and, if I read into it right, a fairly distant relationship with their mother (the only person in their life who has a stable presence) means MC never had much of a chance to foster any friendships or make any real social connections to anyone since then, so those 2 friends are still the only friendship they’ve really known-- and it ended in disaster and betrayal. So in that case, yeah. I think it does make a lot of sense that MC held onto that grudge for so long. They never had a proper chance to heal.
I really enjoyed the demo, and I’m excited to see where you take it
Like mother, like son, eh? Particularly if the mc is planning on breaking a few hearts of their own as revenge.
Thanks for considering it at least! Can’t have too much trans rep.
So it’s definitely something that may have to handled carefully if you choose to include it.