You are the Messenger. Your job is to deliver messages. Get in, get out. Simple, really.
Now, it’s time to put your life on the line to deliver the most important and dangerous message yet. A bad omen has driven the lands into a frenzy, and the Prophecy foretells that the Chosen One needs to be found and awoken to bring peace back to the lands.
Embark on a quest to seek the Chosen One to help restore balance to the world, or witness the world succumb to chaos and catastrophe…
Travel across the lands and find the legendary Chosen One!
Bond with your merry band of advisors, scholar, and captain!
Befriend, romance, or even antagonise your companions.
4 romance options
Restore balance to the world before it’s too late…
We’re currently 2 chapters in (excluding the prologue). Chapter 3 is in the works.
Welcome to the forum! Nice to see that the game has made its way here
I’m a sucker for stories with Asian influences, especially Southeast Asian (I’m assuming Ishraq’s Malay? And Menyatukan is definitely Malay/Indo), so this was a delight to read.
Minor nitpick when you don't choose a surname
A space will appear if you don’t choose a surname, like so.
Maybe you could put in some code for distinguishing between those that have and don’t have surnames? I noticed that you have a sparsely used name variable, so you could maybe do something like:
*if surname != ""
*set name (firstname&" ")&surname
*else
*set name firstname
When reacting to the party members being chosen (Deva volunteering etc. etc.), maybe add an option to be neutral? Like “You don’t mind so and so joining the journey.”
He [Ishraq] then turns to you. “$!{firstname}, I understand you’re frustrated. But I know you. You’re not the kind of person who loses your temper over something minor, especially when there are more important things at hand.”
I understand that the jungle is doing some weird things to the party’s vibes, but it’s jarring for someone playing as a level-headed Messenger being forced to choose between very aggressive choices. Especially if MC is apparently a usually very patient person.
I think you should make it clearer to the player that the jungle’s messing up with the character. Something like having a line that says, “You feel an unexpected frustration boiling within you” or something else of a similar vein.
“Believe me, my emotions were a jumbled mess as well. But I suppose my desire to resolve the conflict outweighed my anger. I think the physical pain I felt just now did not stem from frustration, but rather anguish.”
Well, I normally am not interested in purely eastern fantasy. With pure meaning all the places that the author cares about, so things like Mystara are still within my purview, but not getting feedback for the crime of being in the wrong timezone, and not spending your life on the forum is unfair.
Plus New Vegas trained my neurons to appreciate Mailmen. So I’ll go through and write down my thoughts in this tab as I have them, so if it is explained later I am sorry, but I figure the reactions are useful.
Liking the promise of being a dick, probably won’t use it much on a first playthrough, but it is promising.
Bond with your merry band of advisors, scholar, and captain!
I think that was supposed to be, though I’m not sure English is your first language, so I don’t blame you. Not exactly a scholar either.
Bond with your merry band of advisors, scholars, and captains!
Oh Sultanate, I was thinking more Shogunate. Arabian (or middle eastern, or whatever I’m supposed to call it.) fantasy seems interesting, but I never really had a chance to delve deep. Exciting, though it’s not exactly what comes to mind when I hear Asain fantasy. So a bit of clarification might be useful.
Not sure if these names mean anything, or if they are just the random gibberish that makes up Table Top RPG world-building, but if the former some sort of indication to what they mean would be very appreciated.
I think a little more info on the guards, and what they look like would be useful for knowing what they look like, my best guess is like the Eunuchs that guarded the Ottoman Herem, but that could be very wrong.
I’m not sure Gala is the right time, but I’m not sure it needed translation, I played Sword Of Islam, I do like weird terminology. The Gala sounds very Euro-trash (or Ye olde Euro Trash.) If it’s supposed to then I’m sorry.
Same is true for Royal Gaurd, I like the neat terminology that fits the culture.
Like the sudden entrance, doesn’t beat around the bush.
Yeah these character descriptions are having a bad habit of not existing. I understand others go on for too long, but we still need something to go with, please.
I do like that your companions aren’t assumed to be your best friends like in other stories.
It’s late, and I gotta go to sleep, but I will look into A Heros Journey.
@Caevacior So far, so good. I’m actually hoping that the MC is actually The Chosen One. And the journey they go on to search for them is a way to train themself to actually become The One (thought I’d take Chosen away from there, hope it doesn’t offend too much. Just thought it would sound cool ) Keep up the good work, brother
This WiP really caught my interest! I absolutely adore seeing eastern and southern Asian names, stories, and motifs in media - I find this sort of stuff super cool and it makes me feel closer to my family as well ^^
It helps that I love all of our companions so far (especially Ishraq) - the way they’re written really lends itself to either scorn or friendship, which I do appreciate. I spotted a handful of spelling errors along the way - I’ll update this post with them eventually if you’re looking for that sort of thing.
i love this wip when i see Menyatukan im like currently planning to romance yi-feng but with ishraq love for durian i may be swayed…
theres something tho, i understand why ishraq isnt the one defending the cave, but i think its a bit strange that ishraq dont try to defend the team from the vipers earlier, since hes supposed to be the guard?
Hi! Thank you for leaving your feedback and comments. This is my first time scripting as well, so I’m really grateful for your suggestion with the script.
I’ll amend the typos as well. Thanks for picking them out.
And yes! Ishraq and Menyatukan are inspired by Malay culture again, thanks so much for taking time to write this!
Really happy to hear that you enjoyed it! Well, there is still time to decide who to romance It’ll be some time until you lock in with someone
That’s a good point. When I wrote the scene I felt that Ishraq thought it was wiser to leave the vipers be and avoid aggravating them so he didn’t attack. But after thinking about what you said, I feel he is also likely the first to react when the vipers turn hostile. I’ll give it some thought. Thanks for bringing it up!
Hi, interesting premise here and I’ll keep an eye on it. I can’t seem to get past the naming scene. It would not let me type my own name or choose a preset name.
I feel like the pronouns could have a bit more flair. Rather than just being a menu, perhaps sooner when the guard is asking for the invite.
I’d like to tell a joke, but like the Fallout 4 Sarcastic option, it’s too vague. For dialogue options, it’s generally better to say what the character will say.
The second chapter is kinda dragging, I’ll keep reading so I can be helpful, but if I wasn’t then I would have stopped. It might be that it’s not my thing. I usually prefer more historically inspired fantasy, this just feels like a fantasy story that could take place any place, any time. The east just feels like wallpaper at a restaurant that sometimes serves kebabs, and might have Chinese food. Rather than an interesting setting exploring the east. I’ll be honest It feels like one of those slot machines that some would say are culturally insensitive, but rather than the theming being stereotypical, it’s just bland.
Fixing it would be a lot of work, and I’m not even sure if the story is for me. It makes me want to go watch Mystarra videos, which I think do the Euro-uncentric setting better. Maybe it’s unfair to compare you to one of the largest D&D settings, but I am just not super into the setting. As for the characters, I don’t have much to say about them either, they don’t make me feel much of anything.
I know that was harsh, but Yes Men wouldn’t exactly help much, and more importantly, Sultanates seem like a great setting. Maybe this story is good for people who don’t care about history, more power to them, but I’m not sure this is for me. Keep trying, the story could definitely be much worse. I don’t mean to put you down, I just think this isn’t in my taste.
I read it and I would of enjoyed if the mc had more of an impact and was more proactive. I initially played my mc who was uneasy with the grandeur of the feast and everyone wearing fancy clothes and titles and slipped up when people started looking at him for more than delivering messages but then my MC would be more comfortable out in his job, travelling to new places and living on the road but my mc ended up not being more proactive as I thought they would be. My MC has been travelling around the world delivering messages and camping outside as their profession, I thought the the MC would have a more proactive guiding role for their group, using all my mcs previous experience of going through other terrains as they guide a group of important people who have never ‘roughed it’ before as they go on their hunt for the chosen one. but as it is at the moment I feel like my MC is just following behind a group which they only joined because that one important person pointed them out because they had a shiny rock in their bag. Sure there was one option where you could choose to help your companions to make a fire, tease them and let them get on with it or just ignore them. I would have liked more of that.
( and maybe the option to tease them and show them how to make a fire because while my mc is amused the these big important advisors dont know how to make something as little as a fire for survival in the wilderness he still thinks that they should learn how to do it. And maybe comment about how water rations had been used to wash in instead of rationing. How many supplies does the group have? How long are they estimating to travel for? My mc would be thinking about towns they could stop into to get supplies, people and contacts who owe favours that can be asked for information)
So yeah, I like the premise, I like the world (though I thought that can be built up more) and I actually liked the characters we are travelling with but at the moment as it is I think this story is very bare bones atm. Which isnt the worse thing as this is still a work in progress and I hope you add to it.
I like the demo. The story seem interesting and I can’t wait to discover the chosen one (be it us or someone else).
I wish the MC could be a little more active and that we had more choices were we propose solution rather than choosing among the one offered by our companions.
Also may I suggest at the gala right after the MC give Yeshe the letter to grey out the option to leave immediately. Because in my first playthrough I choose to leave right away because that would be what my MC would do. But after the game acted like I had talked to Deva and Yi-Feng while I didn’t.
So I think that if this is obligatory it would be better to signify it by forcing the player to interact with them (or change the text accordingly you decide ofc)
) Keep up the good work, brother 
again, thanks so much for taking time to write this!
It’ll be some time until you lock in with someone
