New update, everyone! The second chapter has went through my editor, so it is now smoother and far more in depth. This brings the demo to 53k, and you’ll notice that I’ve upped the estimated total length to 150k.
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Vietnamese spam… @Havenstone @Reaperoa
In the future, please just flag it. It’s a lot quicker and neater.
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Now that the new update has been out for a while, I’m curious to see if any of how you have some new feedback on the edited chapter 2. After it went through my editor, I ended up adding quite a few things and generally making everything more catching and clean.
Now that my WiP is fianlly in a beta status, I could read the demo. I must say I enjoyed it a lot. The writing has improved, probably because of the editor. And, @Samuel_H_Young and me have similar views on a lot of subjects, including carnism.
There are a few suggestions I would like to make:
- Achievements should probably be given for hitting a goal of a sort
- The stats in a table should probably be only nouns or only adjectives and not a mixture of both
- Usually, when demand decreases, prices do the same
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I’m not so sure about that. That is definitely the case for Trial of the Demon Hunter, but the edits for Kepler mainly involve suggestions and catching technical errors. I’m glad you think the writing has improved, though! I’d say it’s mainly because of my growing experience.
I can see what you mean for the achievements. I started out doing that with TotDH, but now I sort of think of them as ways for people to see as much replay ability as they can. So generally I make achievements things that will change the story significantly.
Good point! I’ll go ahead and fix that.
Hello! I really liked the last update. The MC is feeling more “real” and the added interaction with the boss was a good way to get a better feel of their work environment. Plus that boss man is a hoot and I love messing with him.
Some items for your review:
Guards with stern expressions and large weapons are monitoring the entrance, as well as several obvious robotic cameras and other defences. You new job did sound important, but this already looks pretty intense.
Laughing through your nose, your shrug it away, saying, “Hey, I was only kidding. Well, sort of.”
A moment later, you turning away and rush to the windows, staring down at the chaos below you.
As more employees gather around the equipment room, them man continues to work on hacking the doors;
Eyeing your colleague with suspicion, the officer says, “There might be if you don’t back off. Do I need to take you for question as well?”
Folding his arms across his chest, Humphrey retorts, “Believe it or not, I probably know more about the legal system than you do. You should probably giving us all medals, but instead you’re abusing your power to harass someone who’s just had their workplace attacked.”
Smiling you, pat him on the back before, giving him a backwards wave as begin the walk to your hovercraft.
The officer’s jaw drops, but Humphrey continues on, “Whether Mariah wants to go with you to the station is entirely up to him (should be her).”
Frowning, Humphrey turns his back towards you and raises his voice to address your coworkers. “Everyone, have to defend ourselves against the rioters, or all our hard work, maybe even our lives, could be lost! Follow me!”
Pressing your attack, you and your supporters fire your guns again and again, thing the crowd out even more.
You can see that many of the protesters (are?) being taken away, while the police are already questioning many of the bystanders.
With that, she hangs up, leaving the projection blank. Deactivating the hologram, you turn to Humphrey, who says, “Hey, well I’ll see you later, Mariah. I hope you feel better soon.” (In this playthrough I wasn’t injured in the riot)
The patterns lighting up on his face in a smile, he says in his smooth, electronic voice, “Thank you, Mr. Young.” (My name was Mariah Greenfield.)
Giving you sad a smile, your servant inches a little closer to you, touching his pincher gently against your hand.
You check your inbox, wanting to see what the others said. The most recent message from Humphrey says, Wow, I’m really sorry about that whole cult attack. I wish I was there to teach them a lesson. T.T (This doesn’t quite sound right because Humphrey was the one I called after the attack so he already knew about it…Maybe he could ask instead if the MC is feeling better or if they slept ok, etc.?)
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I’m glad you enjoyed the new content. 
Thanks for the priceless typo-spotting, as always! I should have those fixed sometime tomorrow.
EDIT:
Okay, I’ve fixed the issues that @piggleywinks pointed out.
EDIT x2:
For multiple reasons, I’ve decided to change the title to “Paradox” instead of “Inception.” Not only do I think it fits better with the overall story, (especially the ending) but the previous title actually went slightly over the character limit.
So now that I’ve changed the title and the file name, the current link no longer works. Unfortunately, for whatever reason, I’m not able to edit the first post. Could someone please swap that link with this one? https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/220021851/colonising%20kepler%2062e%20-%20paradox/dfabulich-choicescript-f6e3c4d/web/mygame/index.html
@Reaperoa @Havenstone @JimD @CJW
Thanks, @JimD. Sorry to ask another favor so quickly, but would you mind changing “Currently, I am working on Inception” to, “Currently, I am working on Paradox” in the first post? I’d do it myself, but, you know…
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I don’t know why the post was flagged I didn’t ask for an update I was asking how things were going for him.
You bumped a topic that’s been inactive for almost two months with a post that was less than 20 words, and while you didn’t ask specifically for updates, the intent was just the same.
If you want to ask after the wellbeing of another forum member feel free to use the private message system to do so. If you want to ask about the progress of a game, then wait until the author updates the post.
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Thanks for the quick reply and I’ve seen plenty of post with less then 20 characters in them that have also been posted on a thread that has been inactive for a while that haven’t been flagged but I’ll let the matter drop.
Please flag them then. We moderators can’t be everywhere and it’s the community that flags posts.
Also, in the future, if you’ve any questions about why something has been flagged please feel free to PM a moderator instead of asking about it on the thread, since as it is we’re just continuing an off topic discussion on an inactive thread.
Anyway locking the thread. @Samuel_H_Young if you want it reopened then just ask.