Mara loves me … like Napoleon, I will be back to lead my troops once more!
i do see the irony in choosing Napoleon - but there is no Elba or arsenic in @Havenstone ;s wonderfully rich world - right @poison_mara?
2 Likes
Then you’ll be defeated decisively again
You cannot stop mule legion.
They purposefully sabotaged your movement as it is ruining their plan of controlling the hegemony from the background
3 Likes
If you’re modern Napoleon never eat in Spain something called tortilla francesa (french omelette) Napoleon is the blame of that name when stole all potatoes from Spanish people… Better don’t eat at all… And run from everyone…
3 Likes
Started playing this for the first time today and enjoyed the experience thoroughly. Only thing I feel weird about is the young age of the protagonist. They seem awfully mature and self-assured for their age.
Anyhow, I am now eagerly anticipating the return of Chapter 2 to public viewing.
3 Likes
Thanks, @Sontra!
I’m going to offer a version of Card’s defense of Ender’s Game, which is that I’m trying to write a 19 year old who’s something like what I was at that age – mature in some ways, and potentially not so much in others.
That said, were there specific bits that felt particularly unbelievable to you, or was it the general tone?
4 Likes
Gah, bringing back posts from 3 years ago is unfair! Past-me is so embarrassing.
I don’t remember anything specific, but I believe my initial impression was that the MC is a little like that quiet kid who is impressed by the socially active kid in class. You know, the ones who are all talk and no action, but what a talk it is! So it felt like the MC got swept up in things because they wanted to show off, or were infatuated and let themselves get caught up in the rhetoric of The Noble Rebellion.
That said, chapter 2 is all about the painful reality of those ideals, so I think it works well as a counter to the first chapter. By the way, that’s also why I am not bothered by the MC’s age - trying to change the world without realizing what is really involved is exactly what young people have been doing throughout history.
12 Likes
Well the Helot at least would in many ways be forced to grow up really quickly, you can still see it in many of the “kids” under the purview of “social services” even here, and we’re a supposedly modern and developed country. Now imagine those though and prematurely mature kids, by our standards, and put them through the life of an Hegemony Helot and I’m pretty sure that you’ll get something that would be quite intimidating by our standards.
Also take note that the “teenager” as such is a relatively recent historical creation. “Teenagers”, as opposed to just young people in their teens are a creation of relatively modern societies with excess wealth, relative scarcity of jobs and a high demand for education and, at least in the US of A, the rise of the automobile and car culture.
http://www.faqs.org/childhood/So-Th/Teenagers.html
On that note it would be delightfully Ironic, I suppose if my character’s vision of a “new world order” succeeds enough that both transportation and the internal movement of people and education become in demand enough in the lands of the former Hegemony along with the apparently nascent full-scale industrial revolution on the horizon (as to me it seems like it is only being curtailed by strict Karagond control of technology, wealth and industry) that it would have the effect of releasing the phenomenon (and scourge) of the “teenager” on this world.
In fact we can already take the first tentative step, if our characters go both democratic and cosmopolitan by moving the age of enfranchisement up from the apparently traditional Shayardene 14 to the much more acceptable by modern standards age of 19.
Yep, or at least it’s supposed to be when it is properly finalized as the latest demo, for me at least, was more about the frustrating management of those damned mules and a crap ton of luck. 
On the other hand I can see the aggravation those mules caused him to provide my character the incentive to hurry up with that industrial revolution once in power and get working on creating a train and car culture, asap. 
Well Breden can be of the gender the mc is not romantically attracted to, I mean she is in my case and then the Rebellion simply starts because a certain teen is finally fed up after a short life of pain and humiliation and isn’t willing to let them take “aunt” Joanna too.
3 Likes
@Havenstone - I don’t agree with those saying the MC seems too young. For a person growing up in their situation, they seem about right - maybe a little idealistic even.
8 Likes
Only now did I think that your question might have been directed at me, while the @Jackrabbit quote might’ve been put forth as a very quotable example of MC’s potential in immaturity. Did I get that right…?
First of all, I do not doubt that a 19-year-old could cause the events I’ve gone over thus far (this comment I direct mainly at the other forum-goers). What I doubt is the uncompromised combination of both maturity and self-assuredness. From what I’ve seen, young people tend to possess generous amounts of either or. Admittedly I did have one friend at the age of 19 who was a freak of nature in every way (still is), and had generous amounts of both BUT she had so many quirks of character, too, that not many people took her very seriously or wanted anything to do with her, and so it was only due her social obliviousness that she could maintain her high confidence. As for our MC here… there isn’t anything particularly undesirable or inconvenient about them.
Now for the question you asked. I felt the general tone was fine. The parts that most struck me as unbelievable were the one-on-one scenes, in which MC is capable of baring their soul without a hint of “character armour” (defense mechanisms), comforting others without ever getting comforted by anyone, handling rejection like a champ, and confronting their father like the man had never in their life frightened them once.
Man, fathers are frightening. Especially ones that beat you.
But having since my first comment replayed Chapter 1 as a helot instead of a noble, I felt the confrontation was much smoother in that playthrough. It made more sense that the MC was such a contentious loudmouth when they’d been raised in an environment smelling of rage and resentment. My first MC, however, having been born a shitlord, felt oddly lacking in shitlord problems, like hidden insecurity or rejection of personal responsibility or good old self-disgust. 
6 Likes
The MC has to be remarkable in some ways though, right? Why else would all these people follow them? If they are subject to all kinds of social awkwardness I doubt they would be able to convince all these rural helots to risk a slow harrowing for themselves and their children much less fight a no kidding rebellion against a seemingly invincible and supernaturally blessed adversary.
6 Likes
Yes, and your response is fantastic. Thank you! Food for thought…
2 Likes
This is where I disagree - the MC noble (in name only) is very much surrounded by undesirable and most assuredly inconvenient things. You named an abusive father but he’s more than abusive, he is resentful, projecting blame on the MC, both for his wife’s death and for the MC’s inability to restore their noble family to the heights where it once was.
Hidden insecurities - tons of them … to go riding and hunting as expected and demanded by one of the MC’s social class, the MC must borrow a horse, gear and even invitations to such events by their relations… the lack of a mother, the loss of nationalistic status, and more…
rejection - your cousin makes it quite clear she hold her acceptance of your nobility over your MC’s head every chance she gets…
self-disqust - umm in the square we find out that the MC and their father can not take care of helots and orchids like they are expected to…
The trope of a run-down broken Noble family looking to turn their ancestral estate into a museum in order to survive isn’t quite thrown in our face but it pretty much is played out so that either helot or noble is shown to have both virtue and vice…
It seems to me you were expecting more of a don Quixote looking for windmills type of noble and I am thankful @Havenstone actually allows us the chance to turn our rebelion into a Liberation/Restoration movement in addition to a progressive social experiment.
If I may borrow from history, @Havenstone allows us to play either a Red revolutionary or a White rebel trying to restore the Imperial grandeur of a lost regime … or a few other points within those two end-points.
@idonotlikeusernames can play his Castro revolutionary in the hills, @poison_mara can play her Ghandi, and I can play my William of Orange…
9 Likes
We can thank the community of reviewers on this thread. (Not least @poison_mara.) Originally I hadn’t written any option for noble readers other than progressive, but feedback when I first posted it convinced me to add it.
9 Likes
Yes, Mara is a wonderful tester and her feedback is very insightful and helpful. I’m honored she is a part of my testers as well and I see her influence here too … mules… mules… mules? 
3 Likes
Frankly, I’m insulted by this.
I was merely talking about the emotional side of MC’s character, of which we get the clearest glimpses in their intimate relationships. I consider MC’s consistent ability to handle tough, emotional situations without faltering or resorting to defense mechanisms an admirable achievement, and for that achievement I was incredulous of MC’s age.
In short: I really like my MC and would not have opened my mouth in the first place if they’d been a bit older.
My apologies if you felt insult by my words. None are intended. Feedback is about an exchange of ideas and of thoughts that give the author of a work in progress a glimpse into what his or her audience is thinking and having multiple perspectives voiced can only benefit @Havenstone.
To avoid conflict of interpretation or frankly any contrived drama never intended, the option of providing feedback in a private message would preclude any outside eyes ever disagreeing with you.
I give both private and public feedback often, sometimes providing counterpoints to those that I disagree with; a tester that is trying to help an author will do this invited or not with any public feedback provided. If I had known umbrage would be taken, I would have brought my follow-up to a PM with @Havenstone with whom I have a cordial relationship already built.
2 Likes
It’s OK to disagree. It’s not OK to presume to tell me what I was expecting.
I’m curious, where in the words: “it seems to me” am I presuming to tell you anything? If anything, that qualifier makes it clear it was my perception based on your post …
6 Likes
For what it’s worth, to add another voice, I also felt that the noble MC’s self-confidence was about right, at least considering their role in the story. More capable than average, perhaps, but the average petty noble wouldn’t have launched such a rebellion anyway.
5 Likes
I…can see where Sontra’s coming from on this. I think (correct me if I’m wrong) that he’s saying the MCs ,especially a helot MC don’t feel believable as characters given their backgrounds and relationships. For example, why would an MC given their abusive background ever consider leading a rebellion,wouldn’t they keep their heads down? Wouldnt they shrink away from any human contact? Maybe he’s trying to say that there’s dissonance between the established character/background and the choices you’re given. Maybe their abusive upbringing doesn’t play into the story and their decisions as much as it should.I mean,there’s no option to not feel anything about Brendan at all or to not trust him. I could say that could be migitated by the MC choosing to have as little to do with their dad as possible and finding other parental figures. Remember the nice church lady from the religion background or Aunt Johanna? It’s possible that they took influence from either of them. If that makes sense. Though over time,that( trust issues from abuse)should be something you can change depending on your choices.