After a couple days of writing and hair pulling, I bring to my readers the completed second chapter. The game (without code) now falls just past 20k words. Again, I would love to receive any feedback about the content or technicalities that I can adjust! If there are any characterizations that feel off or unnatural, do let me know as well.
For the next update, I plan to rework some stats and bring a whole lot more stress for your poor MCs. There will also be more one-on-one opportunities to increase (or decrease) your relationship points with the cast, and maybe you’ll even get to call it a date.
Brilliant, I love it so far. I know there are a lot of strong opinions about gender locked MCs but I personally think it works quite well with the story and setting and I’m excited to see how the gender dynamics play out. I’d rather sacrifice a bit of choice on my part for the sake of a compelling narrative, and this shows a lot of promise.
I think Vivienne is my favourite RO so far, but it’s also nice to have Clara around as the token friendly one. They all seem like good choices that serve the story.
I have some thoughts, take them or leave them, everyone has different preferences of course…
What I like:
Love the voice, humour, and dialogue
So far it seems like a nice homage to Devil Wears Prada while still being it’s own thing
I like that the MC has some personality and doesn’t quite fit in, and am looking forward to him growing as the story progresses
What could be tweaked:
The title made me think the game was going to be about medieval lords or something, I wonder if a more obviously fashion-y sort of title might help draw the right readers
I’d like to have name options because I’m lazy and hate typing things on my phone
I personally would prefer all the stats to be on one screen as there are not many of them so far and I like to obsessively check the stat screen, so it’s easier to have it all on the first page
It felt like my MC was maybe a bit too nonchalant about his job, I wondered why he was even trying if he hated it so much, and I also wondered why Vivienne kept him on if he was so incompetent and unmotivated…wouldn’t mind a bit more on the backstory there, and maybe more stakes or a motivation (either predetermined or you could give us a choice, like “I desperately need money” or “I desperately need the experience” or “I’m just incredibly stubborn and want to do my best”)
Some of your quotation marks are straight and some are curly, I’m guessing the curly ones are the ones that transferred over from Word because I think usually CS does them straight
Typos etc:
This took me out of the setting/character a little bit, it felt like something someone from 2026 would say, and maybe not someone from 2004 (though idk maybe the average New Yorker was more progressive than I thought back then):
Thank you for your detailed, comprehensive feedback and encouragement! I’ll look into the wonky typos/errors, stat screen, and the missing backstory and hopefully have them fixed up for the next update.
I know there are a lot of strong opinions about gender locked MCs
Oh? I’m still pretty new to the IF community and had no idea. Maybe it’s time I start browsing other platforms to learn. Regardless, I’m really glad you found that the premise works well with the story!
I think Vivienne is my favourite RO so far
I try not to be too biased.. But she’s my personal favorite as well, hahaha.
The title made me think the game was going to be about medieval lords or something
Yes, I’ve been getting quite a lot of feedback about the title and how it’s misleading. I’ll try to get to this as soon as possible.
it felt like something someone from 2026 would say, and maybe not someone from 2004
If you don’t mind, could you point me toward the approximate area that felt this way? I don’t think it was included in your many (very) helpful screenshots. I would hate to include aspects that take readers out of the setting.
Again, thank you so much! Your comment means the world to me.
Yeah a lot of people will see the term “gender-locked” and not even give it a try. A shame because I think some of the best writing comes when authors give themselves space to focus and stick to their vision.
It can be helpful seeing everyone’s opinions out there but also kinda deadly if you’re not prepared to just say no. You just can’t please everyone, it’s best to focus on writing the best story you can and the right fans will come to you. Malin Ryden just posted some of the best advice on taking feedback, might be helpful to read before venturing forth.
Oh whoops did I say Vivienne I meant Elise! I have a feeling though I’ll have a hard time choosing and end up having to replay a few times
Another whoops on my part! I did share the screenshot but I realize my screenshots got all out of order. How confusing, sorry! Here it is again in the right context this time.
I’m reading through this rn and can I just said, I love how the author writes. I’m lowkey taking pointers The humor and the voice comes across so clearly, it’s a breeze to read
I have to say, I love the story so far. The dry wit and cynicism from Viv, the workplace banter from Elise, and the eccentric chaos of Serena, all have made me realize I need to do at least three runs as I can’t decide on a favorite between the three. And definitely don’t worry about keeping the story gender-locked. A well written story will find it’s audience and this story has such wit and charm that i think it’ll do just fine. I can’t wait to see this story come to fruition.
Happy to hear that! I’d been worried that I write too simply at times, but it’s good to know my directness doesn’t take away from your reading experience. Thank you for your reassuring comment!
Thank you so much! Comments like this are incredibly motivating to read while working on the story. I’m really glad the different dynamics between Vivienne, Elise, and Serena are landing. They’re all disasters in such very different ways, which makes writing them a lot of fun.
And I really appreciate what you said about the gender-lock too. I didn’t know going in that writing a male protagonist in this genre would narrow the audience so much, but I wanted to make the specific story I was excited about telling. Hearing that the characters are connecting with people makes me feel a lot more confident about sticking to that vision.
Thank you again for reading and taking the time to leave such a thoughtful comment. It genuinely means a lot.
Hello bonbons, I made a forum account just to comment on your post
My favourite RO so far is Elise. She’s so mean to us and high-strung, but she’s also so adorable!?! Like when I chose the option of asking her for help, my romance points went up… so… maybe she isn’t an unwilling mentor lololol
About the upcoming trip in your next update, will there be opportunities to raise my relationship with Elise when she won’t be there? I love Viv, Serena, and Clara too but, you know…
Hey, guys. No content update (yet) but I’ve reworked the stat system entirely, fixed typos, done some rephrasing, and taken into account all the suggestions and feedback you guys have provided so far! Hopefully, there aren’t any bugs or awry mistakes. Let me know if so.
Wait, wait, wait, I have a few good guesses why! But I need to know your reasoning behind these very specific ages. They are working really well with the timeline I have in my own head lololol
P.S. Saw your other post in the thread about making your code available. Please do! I and many others would love to give feedback. Good luck writing~~
The new update consists of just above 20k words, bringing the current demo to about 40k without code. Chapter 3 is complete, and I have released part of chapter 4. Your stats and choices will now more noticeably affect what options are available to you as we enter more chapters. Keep an eye on your fashion knowledge and personality factors for interesting flavor text!
So last update, I said:
I kept my word! Your MC will be going through a lot of stress (unless you’re playing a particularly ruthless and ambitious MC who hates a certain someone) , and you get one-on-one moments with most of the cast. However, I didn’t get to create any official “dates” this update.
Again, I love feedback of any kind! I am especially interested in your opinions on the developing “flaws” of the characters, your MC included. Please let me know!
I was messaged a post someone made on reddit about how limited my game feels with a genderlock. I’m not entirely confident I can keep up with all requests, but I would like to gauge interest levels. Better to adjust in the earlier stages than edit in a million variables later.
Hmm, this is a tough one. I really like the story so far and feel it doesn’t need to change, but I’d be interested in seeing a male RO… then again, you already have four and adding ROs means it’s going to be a LOT more writing and coding.
As a female player, I didn’t feel like my character had to be male except for the few moments when other characters called attention to it. It’s one of the reasons I didn’t mind the genderlock, because it didn’t feel super locked
Look, it’s cool listening to requests and all but remember that this is your story. You’re its author your own thoughts should always be the first priority when it comes to what’s happening inside it or else you’re never gonna get shit done cause you’ll always be trying to accommodate everyone.
That being said I think Mc should definitely keep being male-locked, since it is directly involved with the premise you’re proposing, and if they can’t handle that then this is just the wrong book for them, there’s gender locked games and gender selectable games, that’s just how it is. I’m a guy and when I see that a game is female-locked I just say “well that sucks” and move on to try another if an author decides that a game is male-locked or female-locked then that’s just how it works.
Regarding a male Ro if you think u can handle adding another character then go ahead but don’t force yourself to add them just to appease someone or to fill a quota of characters that have nothing going for them besides their gender.
Sorry for the rambling I just really like your story and don’t wanna see it burned to the ground because people online got a little uncomfortable.
Only do what you can do i’d like a male ro I’m not going to pretend but if you can’t or hell don’t want to than don’t the game is good your good anytime anyone genderlocks this happens there’s always going to be people complaining about it but it’s really not that big a deal you do you.
For making the MC gender selectable, I think my first post about this story summed up my thoughts well enough, but I’ll still reiterate that you should do what is going to make you the most comfortable. As for adding another RO, I can understand why some people would want a male option, but it should not come at the expense of the story or added depth to the already planned ones. I could be mistaken, but from playing a large number of games from here, and watching so many WIP’s, adding a new RO that isn’t planned, it can mess with the writers flow if the character really doesn’t have a place in the story from the beginning. That being said bonbons, I hope whatever you decide, you remain happy with the story because first and foremost, this is your vision and Its great.
The humor and the voice comes across so clearly, it’s a breeze to read