Superhero Secret Agent - WIP Ch. 1-5

[JaneBoe]

Premise:
No matter how many supervillains the Summit of Heroes tears down, someone will always sit on the throne of crime in San Francisco. You have been recruited by Summit to go deep undercover in the Kraken’s supervillain crime family. You must do whatever it takes to investigate and stop a villainous plot called “The Cleansing.” Trouble is no one, other than the Kraken themself, seems to know the true plan. How will you establish your reputation as a supervillain? What morals are you willing to compromise to maintain the masquerade?

To play the demo, go here: https://dashingdon.com/play/janeboe/superhero-secret-agent/mygame/

Demo Length: Ch. 1-5, about 74,000 words

Features:
• Play as gay, straight, bi, pansexual, or on the asexual spectrum.
• Play as male, female, non-binary, or gender-fluid; Choosing whether your true identity and superhero persona match or contrast.
• Romance (if you desire) up to four love interests, from a flamboyant assassin to a dark hearted mastermind.
• Embody one of three superpowers: Super Strong Weapons Master! Shape Shifter! Elemental Mage!
• Customize your super-powered appearance and super suit!
• Choose your True Identity and Superhero Alias.

Questions for Testers:
• Grammar/Spelling: Please!
• Sensitivity: I want to make sure there is no ableist, racist, homophobic, or otherwise exclusionary language in the book. This should be a story anyone can enjoy! I am still learning and know I can miss things.
• Continuity: Making sure no details/descriptions are missing or popping up unexpectedly.
• Option/Choice Clarity: Making sure that it is clear which skills are related to each option.
• General enjoyment!
Please comment on this post to give feedback.

Thank you very much for playing! I hope you enjoy Superhero Secret Agent (working title)!

UPDATES:
07-14-2020 : Demo updated for community feedback. (spelling/grammar)
07-15-2020 : Demo updated for community feedback. (spelling/grammar, continuity, coding errors)
07-16-2020 : Demo updated for community feedback. (spelling/grammar, coding errors)
07-20-2020 : Demo updated for community feedback. (spelling/grammar, coding errors)
07-30-2020 : NEW CHAPTERS ADDED! (Ch. 3-4)
07-31-2020 : Demo updated for community feedback. (spelling/grammar, continuity, coding errors)
08-01-2020 : Demo updated for community feedback. (spelling/grammar, coding errors)
08-03-2020 : Demo updated for community feedback. (spelling/grammar, coding errors)
01-07-2021 : NEW CHAPTER ADDED! (Ch. 5)

[JaneBoe]

Comments here please! Thank you for checking.

[whitebear]

Hey! I really liked this one. I especially liked the scene when meeting Fatale for the first time. I also did appreciate the different story customizations (I only just finished one playthrough yet).

Some small stuff

Just a personal preference, so ignore this one, but maybe put a space between FirstName?

Fatale’s pronouns. He.

Morse code ?

“II”

“HIs”

Pronouns.

"Thank you Shift,"

Anyway, goodluck on this WIP!

[JaneBoe]

Thank you! Glad you liked it! I will apply notes as soon as I can.

7-14-2020 : The demo has been updated based on your feedback.

[Eiwynn]

@JaneBoe – welcome to the forum community; if there is anything I, or another mod, can do to help, please let us know.

Feedback:

The choice associated with the following text…:

A clerk enters from the back of the shop. As he catches your eye you choke again, but not because of the smell this time. This man looks like they walked right out of a centerfold spread.

is very inclusive, except for those who wish to be attracted to everyone, men, women and non-binary.

I do not know how much of an edit it would require, but I do think including such a choice would be a popular change.

[UnoriginalUserName]

Would be nice to have a save function.
Also can we betray our mission and join the Kraken for real?

[JaneBoe]

@Eiwynn - I’m happy to be here! Thank you. I will reach out if I need anything.

Got it! I Completely meant to put that in there and forgot. The demo has been updated to include an option for a PC attracted to everyone.

[tangerine_skies]

Hi, this is a great game. So far, I’ve only noticed one minor typo.

typos

A gaggle of tourists burst out of the gift shop bringing my focus back to the streets of Chinatown. They might be oblivious to the sign hanging over their heads, but it glints at you like the blade of a guillotine.

I would expect this to be “your focus”

There is groan of metal, and you see the lock is inches from giving way. You roar in determination, and ram your feet against it again.
[a groan of metal]

There are a few areas where smart quotes, instead of regular quotes, are used.

You slam your palms together and a thunderwave blows furniture off their feet to smash into the walls.
[consider its feet? their for furniture feels weird.]

You gave had to tell Koda you alias just to get her off you back. You told her you’re in hiding to avoid Family spies. Grand Maestra insisted that no one can know about your mission.

[either gave or had to give, and your alias, not you alias.]

Is this really the Kraken? They’re barely five or size years older than you.

[six years.]

The Kraken sits up in their chair. It seems to take a great effort, but they don’t ask for help. Instead they ask, “I’m sorry I kept you waiting. Now, you have my full attention. What made want to you seek me out.”

[assuming this is what made you want to seek me out, but this could be a speech mannerism.

You hear gunfire and Jack Rabbit’s gleeful laugher as the fight rages outside. You only have moment to react before you’re overwhelmed.

[laughter.]

You let your elemental rage take hold and watch as elemental rune glow emerald across your knuckles.

[runes]

you. You roar and blast through the broken windows of the trolley with gout of fire.

[a gout of fire]
The Summit heroes scatter as your elements form scorches the pavement. You roar again and breath fire into the sky.
[elemental form, breathe]

I love how polished a charming mc is. Never enough banter. <3 :3

Remix is surprisingly adorable. For a group of supervillains, honestly, these are all some compelling people. Staying on the heroic side is definitely going to be a hard line for my mc to walk and I love not knowing exactly what the’ll choose.

I’m not sure if its just the route I chose, but there don’t seem to be a lot of story motivations for our character to be allied with the heroic group, and a lot of reason for them not to be – the refusal to investigate the parents’ death for example. If you want it to be a harder choice, consider giving the heroic group some more compelling reason or character interactions (besides your sibling, which is well-done) to stick with them. Alternatively do something to crack the facade of the charming villains, slowly get the mc to a line they can’t cross, etc. That may be planned, and if it is ignore this feedback.

[Pyrouge]

Hey! Having a lot of fun playing this, I love superhero games. One small thing:

Should this be allowed to happen?? I really am the fastest thing alive, ahaha!

[The_Phantom]

It says “sibname” instead of the actual sibling’s name. You should probably fix that.

[TheGhost]

One small, random thing, but I’ve heard from local San Francisco people that referring to the city as “San Fran” is the equivalent of marking yourself for death. Perhaps Bay City or just “The City?”

[northerndownpour7]

I really, really enjoyed this demo–there’s so many possibilities in the build of a main character, like their feelings on Summit, their relationship with their sibling, etc. There’s a lot here for future development, and, really, it’s a nice way for the reader to feel more attached to the character. Plus, the potential moral ambiguity is super cool. I’m interested in seeing if we will explore the superfluousness of explicitly defining matters of good vs. evil and if we will receive new perspectives regarding how lawfully good Summit truly is.

Seriously, there’s a lot of promise here, enough to make me so enthralled that I replayed the demo several times just to see the potential outcomes. I really can’t emphasize how much potential there is here, so many things I’m excited to learn more about (i.e. the Kraken’s personal history, the sibling’s–and the main character’s, maybe–trauma, or what this Taylor Lace person is up to because, uh, whomst???). Ah, okay, I’m just so excited. There’s so much here.

I also really had some fun with your writing style! The creativity you possess is genuinely admirable. Also, the imagery you place is nothing short of fantastic, like in the weird mishmash of attractive clerk and their slimy legs. And while I’m at it, let me just quickly gush about how cool the Kraken’s power is. Like, corpses covered in slime? This harbinger of death superstition? God, I love it.

Also, side note: as a person who grew up and lives in the Bay Area, I agree with TheGhost because the way to spot a tourist typically is if they say “San Fran.” Like they mentioned, everyone here refers to it typically as just “The City.” I know this is unnecessary for me to bring up as well and I didn’t add much to this conversation, but I thought they made a good point!

I can’t wait to read more and learn more about the world you have created. I’m so excited.

[aiseaisebb]

Wow, just did my first playthrough and it was a-ma-zing! I really enjoyed the “dance” with Fatale. And I was imagining Kraken to be like Davy Jones in Pirates of the Caribbean, so was totally not expecting him to be young and tattooed. I love love love everything so far, and encountering the Family makes me wonder what it’d be like to be a turncoat and join them… Will there be ROs from the superhero side? If so, I cannot wait to meet them!

I noticed the first three choices (while outside the gift shop) did not change my stats though, was that intentional? I also wanted to prioritize raising my Finesse but I wasn’t 100% sure which choices really did that. An explanation of stats might be helpful? It might just be me though, English is not my first language. A couple of typos I noticed:

Chapter 1

Missing apostrophe.
*The training is done in absolute secrecy, with only the mentor and their trainee knowing each others powers and aliases.

Confusing 1st and 8th choice, aren’t these basically the same?
*He’s gorgeous. Luckily for me, I’m only attracted to everyone regardless of gender.
AND
*He’s gorgeous. Luckily for me, I’m attracted to everyone regardless of gender.

Extra p.
*He lunges sideways behind a stack of tables and you blast them aside, but Fatale has already scamppered away.

Slips misspelled.
*You summon a jet of ice to freeze him from behind, but he silps aside unflinchingly.

Geyser?
*Summon a gaiser to throw him to the ceiling.

…to trap him?
*Drop the chandelier from the ceiling, and use it to trap his.

Chapter 2

You’re.
*“I’ll take the groaning to mean your awake,”

Grumbled? Grumbles?
*“Let me in and I’ll tell you.” She grumbleds.

Multiple typos.
*You gave had to tell Halo you alias just to get her off you back.

Missing apostrophe.
*The Kraken lays a hand on the womans shoulder.

[Takashi_Shin]

Jane I enjoyed your story it’s actually a very good story I want on the Revenge path in the weirdest the boss didn’t agree on Revenge it will destroy you I feel like Heroes might be not that good and villains are trying to do something something good but we don’t know the whole story of each side in the story nothing is dark and light it’s a gray color what I’m feeling right now I just can’t wait to know the whole story for each side in this conflict who is the true enemy in who’s the Ally

[violet]

I just gotta say, I’m a big fan of all the character customization for our hero! I’m excited for the future of this project — there’s a lot of potential here!

Some people have already pointed out the grammatical errors, so the one other thing I would suggest for edit would be at the sexuality choice with the clerk:

Chapter 1: enter_shop

• The first option you have is “He’s gorgeous. Luckily for me, I’m only attracted to everyone regardless of gender.” This only sets “likewomen” true, but shouldn’t this mean the MC’s attracted to m, f, and nb?

• The second to last option literally has the same wording, except that the word “only” is missing. The variables that the choice sets are what you expect: liking men, women, and non-binary people are set to true.

Basically what I’m saying is maybe you should remove the first option, since it seems unnecessary!

Other than that, great job!

Edit: looks like @aiseaisebb best me to the punch and pointed it out first!

[Langre]

Demo is really amazing! Definitely this game is on my wishlist now. I really adore Fatale so far. And thank you for giving me an opportunity to be such a flirty, but calculating person.

The only thing that rubs me the wrong way is that when I choose “I did what I had to survive” narrative tells my MC’s parents forgot to leave any food or money for him, so MC had to steal it. But still MC keeps his mother’s photo under the pillow and it sound like they were very close. It does not add up, she didn’t bother basically provide food for her child, how can they be close? I wouldn’t care much about her in place of MC.

[HunterBlack]

I really enjoyed the demo but I totally whooped Fatale’s ass and knocked her out, but in the second chapter it says that I lost the duel and begged Fatale. That is so degrading.

[demontears]

Boy, oh, boy can we romance the Kraken?

[JaneBoe]

@Pyrouge HAHA YOU’RE TOO FAST TOO BE ALLOWED!

BUT Yes, it is allowed to happen! When your superpowers are active you get an enormous boost to the relevant stats. (ie. Super Strength +70 to Brawn. Making pretty much all strength checks an auto success! ) This can put your stat above 100% temporarily. The stat should return to a regular level once your power-up fades.

Was your Finesse stat still above 140% after the fight ended? If so, I will add code to correct it.

[Ferosify]

Sorry
I know I should wait until I finish the thing first before posting this
but…

Mandarin is NOT a writing system it is a spoken language. the writing system is just simply Chinese. Cantonese and other Sinitic languages also use the same writing system, but are different when spoken.
Simplified vs Traditional variants of the writing system is only relevant based on geography (primarily Macau, HK and Taiwan use traditional, other places like Mainland China, Malaysia and Singapore officially use simplified).
Sorry I just had to say that. I’ll continue on reading…