I’m creating a separate thread for this discussion for topic readability - moving some posts here shortly.
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Hope you get a nicer one who doesn’t call your game that goes on to sell brilliantly ‘a mess’ and several other rude things that I will not utter here.
Tip: Ctrl-f your documents and remove every instance of the word ‘crazy’ if any exist. Then do the same for ‘madness’ and ‘insane.’ I received page after page calling me ableist for having my characters use those words. The thing that irritated me the most? Night Road is absolutely full of people using the word ‘crazy’ but I was eviscerated for it in PoK. I’ll never understand. I’ll go to my grave still upset about it.
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That is harsh. You’d think a sensitivity reader would be…sensitive.
I used those words a bunch in my WIP, but I’m writing for HG and not COG, so hopefully I won’t have to go back and change them. Insanity is a key part of my IF. It takes place in 1925, so that is how characters would have spoken then, though Dr. Clarke does say not to use words like “crazy” if the main character uses it self-referentially in conversation with her.
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As someone who has several playtesters who are very concerned about sensitivity reading and does that job for me, I second needing thick skin (though they are not rude about it). However, for me it has been a vital resource for a big reason: I want to offend people intentionally, not because something could be read a way I did not intend. Thus I can fix the things I don’t want in the game, and keep the things I do. My character’s speech patterns being one of them.
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Christ. I am never going to get any work done ever again.
Man, I am currently in the process of trying to get those words out of my lexicon and it is so hard!!
I do want to do it, because I think it can really hurt people’s feelings if they’ve had those words leveled at them and used to diminish their suffering.
Speaking personally, I have OCD, which is a horrendous mental illness and accounts for a lot of the classic ‘mad’ behaviours people think of when they think of ‘mad’. I don’t mind those words. I use ‘mad’ to refer to myself all the time as a useful shorthand for my family. I also don’t personally mind if people describe themselves as being ‘a bit OCD about X’ or whatever. I think there is a colloquial use, and a medical use, of the term. It probably does muddle people’s understanding of it, though. But I don’t want to make that call on other people’s behalf, and cause unintended pain. Lots of people with OCD really hate it when people use the term casually, and feel hugely dismissed and undermined.
The trouble is, any alternative word we come up with will eventually be taken up by everyone if it’s any good, and then acquire the same stigma. See ‘nuts’, for example.
At present I am using ‘bananas’ and ‘bonkers’, but I imagine that will change too at some point. I also usually try to avoid describing a person, and instead describe their action, or opinion. It makes me sad there isn’t a single syllable word I’ve found so far though. Something with punch.
I do think that for me there is a big difference between what is said in narration, and what is said by characters within a world. If characters say it, I’m like, fine, this character thinks that. If it’s in the narration, I think it’s what the writer thinks, and that can be a huge turn off for me if I don’t like the basic assumptions they hold about the universe. I usually don’t want to spend time inhabiting a world made by someone for whom I, the person I am in real life, am invisible.
I wonder if, if one wants to have characters who use ableist language, a simpler fix might be to just mention it in the content warnings? Like, just make it clear that some people in this world hold these beliefs and speak accordingly.
I know this is a valid and intelligent point but also it made me laugh out loud! 
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That sensitivity reader sounds unprofessional to be frank
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A Kiss from Death received a sensitivity reader, which I was surprised by as I didn’t think it would be part of the review process for HG, but maybe AKFD was made an exception due to the content. I didn’t argue with anything they said but I absolutely just ignored the stuff I disagreed with. I think I gave them a stress migraine.
I remember there was indeed a lot of hand-wringing around the use of the word “crazy”.
The Gray Painter did not receive a sensitivity reader.
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What? But…words mean things. And I don’t think vampires who have been around for centuries are going to be policing their own language to avoid hurting feelings.
I get the idea of sensitivity readers, but sometimes I think they can go overboard to the detriment of the story. Drama is the life-blood of fiction and it usually stems from personalities and people clashing over goals and views.
I feel like I’d be pretty upset too. And yes, I would think sensitivity readers would be sensitive in their feedback. Feels like part of the job title, like you’d expect a “Niceness Coordinator” to be nice.
This is the right approach. You don’t want to offend players by accident, but sometimes you do want a character or situation to be offensive. That’s how you create emotions and to get that full rainbow of emotions in a reader, one of those is anger—you just want it to be at a situation or character in the story and not at the author.
I was diagnosed with bipolar cyclothymic disorder when I was in my early twenties, and my father and grandfather (his dad) both spent time in mental hospitals. Like you, I’ve also never been offended by the use of “mad” or “crazy”. In fact, that’s how my dad explained his absence at the mental hospital to me - “Sorry, son. I just went a little crazy, but I’m better now.”
I don’t personally want to offend anyone either, though. So if someone doesn’t like that sort of language, I’ll avoid using it around them once I know. And, I would try and avoid it as narration language, but it seems realistic to me that some characters would still use it.
I’m thinking on this at the moment with my WIP set in the early 1990s. I was there. I know how people talked to each other. Trying to make everyone speak with 2026 Gen Z or Gen Alpha sensitivity feels so disingenuous to the time period and setting. It feels like whitewashing history.
George Carlin had a good talk on this. Because it’s true. You can look it up, from 1988, called George Carlin - Euphemisms. He said he doesn’t like euphemisms because they “conceal fear and don’t reflect the truth” and eventually become the word they were a euphemism for so a new euphemism is created to avoid the original euphemism in an endless treadmill.
He gives the example of WWI having “shell shocked” soldiers, then in WW2 it became “battle fatigued” soldiers, then just a decade later in the Korean War became “operational exhaustion”. and eventually became “post-traumatic stress disorder”.
Like you say, if we all started saying “bananas” or “bonkers”, in a decade or so people would be offended by the appearance of those words. So I think it all comes down to intentionality on the part of the author to be aware that words have meanings and use them for the affect you intend and to avoid affects you don’t intend.
I’m really surprised this is the thing that keeps coming up from you authors mentioning sensitivity feedback. Maybe because, despite my personal history, I’ve never even thought to take offense at the word.
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I find that a weird example because by my understanding, it’s less about euphemisms and more about changing knowledge about what’s actually happening.
I agree about euphemisms becoming the new word meaning the thing, though. That’s how we lost the actual word for “bear”.
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Admittedly, that’s not the clearest example, but it’s also the least offensive one I could list on here as an example. Again, I didn’t want to offend anyone on the forums!
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Personally, I feel like before I could form an opinion about this sort of thing in practice I would need to see how it was being used in a case by case situation.
I would also want to know how exactly a sensitivity user phrased it. There is for example a big difference between a note that reads, say, “you are ablist for using this language”, and one that says “this language is considered ablist and should be avoided”.
I wouldn’t have thought a sensitivity reader would object to characters using ablist/racist/homophobic etc. language as long as it was fairly clear that the narrative itself didn’t share those prejudices. And I feel like that is quite easy to do in IF because you can make it a fake_choice. Eg: have a character use a term, and make sure you give the player options that include finding it offensive.
"You're mad!" says your colleague, sounding impressed.
*fake_choice
#Maybe I am mad, but I am sticking to my plan.
#I hate this label. I want to call it out.
#I'll take the compliment and ignore the language - this time.
#I grin, then get on with outlining my scheme.
I mean, sloppy writing, but you see what I mean. Just, something to demonstrate to the reader that they exist in this universe, and the writer wants them to feel safe even if that isn’t true of all the characters. And the player doesn’t have to pick one of those options. But the fact that it is there tells you something about the writer’s presuppositions.
This is coming up a bit in my own writing when I talk about class. Loads of the characters are classist, whether they realise it or not. But I am finding ways to demonstrate to the player that these views are not shared by the story. These prejudices will not prove justified by what happens later.
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When I do sensitivity reads it does include language-related notes, especially flagging if the writer has inadvertently used offensive language (mileage will vary on what’s considered offensive or not, etc). But it’s all very contextual. In general I think a lot about:
- what assumptions is the story making about the marginalised people/groups it’s talking about?
- does the author’s intent align with what’s on the page, and does the language/framing they’re using distract or detract from what they’re trying to do?
- does the narrative (not necessarily the same as the PC’s perspective) treat a marginalised character or community group like a weird/off-putting/exotically alluring zoo animal to gawk at from the outside, or does the narrative consider their interiority?
The last bullet point is helpful because it covers a ton of bases, from schlocky stereotypical storylines to over-carefully-written “model minority” characters to thoughtless cliches. No one has to write “utopian” settings where everyone’s using therapy-speak and is self-actualised into perfection with no rough edges (this would be a dystopia in its own right!), but taking time to consider characters’ inner lives makes them feel more real and human, and refreshes a tired narrative.
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I was going to avoid continuing this thread because I didn’t want to get too upset and I’m not sure if it’s appropriate. I started responding and stopped a few times over the last few days. Maybe others would have reacted better to these comments than I did, but I reserve the right to feel like the SR could have been more professional. (or sensitive)
But since it’s been asked several times, here are some examples, quoted directly from the sensitivity reader for Parliament of Knives:
Sensitivity Reader: “These documents are a mess. The amount of reliance on ableist language is an issue. Ophelia’s details I marked particularly at the end of the document. I highlighted (and marked suggested changes) for every instance of: crazy, insane, insanity, mad, and madness that I could find…Ophelia is such a problem that she could cause an Internet Uproar not only with the ableism but the misogyny… It gets into the patriarchal “hysterical woman” trope which both (1) screams misogyny and (2) very ableist. Not only is Ophelia an issue in the ableism front (extremely, with infantilization to the point of taking the fall for a plot she did not do by her partner who conveniently ensures her reputation is fully ruined), but as a woman she has so little agency as the Malkavian Primogen. The amount of problems with this could waterfall out in an Internet Uproar.”
The supposed ableist misogyny cited from my ‘mess’ was the fact that Ophelia is Malkavian, and was seen in chapter 4 lounging with Kashif Salik, with whom she was having a dalliance. Kashif (the character, not to be confused with me, the author) made a handful of comments that treated Ophelia as if she were subservient. He was also quite dismissive of her concerns in some variant text blocks. It was strongly hinted by other characters that she was pretending to be under his thumb in order to manipulate him, and he was attempting to more overtly manipulate her at the same time. You know, things vampires do in the World of Darkness.
Some of the things the SR said in the quoted passage above are also complete fabrications. Ophelia doesn’t take the fall and her reputation at the end remains more or less at the same place as it was at the beginning. Most of the characters don’t react to her much at all other than a few barbs by Bouchard, but anyone who’s read PoK knows Bouchard throws barbs at literally everyone because he’s a jerk.
It’s important to note here that Ophelia is not a major character, at least until a year later where I gave her more prominence in the DLC, What Stares Back. She was in two scenes total, and it was possible to briefly encounter her in some remote branches. That was it. Her character wasn’t fleshed out because she wasn’t part of the main story. That was apparently a serious problem for some reason.
Anyway, moving on, here are several instances (far from exhaustive) of the sensitivity reader going after the certain forbidden words which have nothing to do with Ophelia as she is not in the scenes:
From PoK draft: Over the years you'd managed to convince yourself that there was nothing inherently wrong or unnatural about the act of feeding on the blood of the living, but a small part of you—one that still remembers a time when your heart beat within your chest—cries out with every opportunity to remind you that you are damned, but the voice is invariably swept aside as a necessary precaution against an indelible immortal madness.
SR: Why use “madness” at the end here? The player character isn’t Malkavian. That isn’t a choice for Player Clan. The use of madness feels needless here and unnecessary. It hits me hard in the overuse of “crazy” vein. (ie: blithe ableism)
From PoK draft: "The flames made me crazy; I didn't have much time to gather my thoughts so I hid in here until I could think straight."
SR: This use of “crazy” here I balk against, as it is explained later. Why not just say, “The flames made me unable to think straight.” No need to say it twice and use the pejorative language as well.
From PoK draft: As you grow closer, you lose focus again and the couple swim before your eyes, their faces changing into ghostly visions. As what remains of your humanity does battle with the Beast threatening to consume you, it digs through long-hidden memories, slowly reeling you back from the brink of madness.
SR: This use of “madness” is wholly unnecessary as well. Even if the player’s mind has been tampered with: there is nothing in the text prior to explain why the player would react to feeding in this way. Also if the explanation is “proximity to Jordan,” I am not buying it.
(The text had nothing to do with Jordan and they were not in the scene. The SR makes this mistake numerous times in their notes, apparently insistent that Jordan is relevant to scenes they are not present in.)
From PoK draft: "It sounds like Ward really wants you to join his happy little band of crazy people."
"Crazy might be the wrong word," you say, lowering your voice. "Violent revolutionaries, I guess."
SR: Why is “Crazy” the wrong word here when it’s been used liberally throughout the entire game to describe things that aren’t “crazy?” Why suddenly edit it here when applying it to things that are merely strange or odd elsewhere? I agree that Crazy is the wrong word here, but consider this attitude throughout.
From PoK draft: "I suppose that's only fair," Jordan says. "And there are already murmurs going around blaming your sire for everything that's happened. It's crazy how fast some Kindred jump to conclusions."
SR: Consider replacing “crazy” here for “weird” or “strange” or “messed up.” Jordan has a very informal way of speaking. They could substitute the word “crazy” for any of those words and not lose the power of the sentence, only the ableist language.
(wouldn’t most of those be almost as bad? And as the SR notes, this is just the way Jordan talks.)
From PoK draft: "So, we're gonna get out of here, right? I know this might sound crazy, but I'm not all that interested in getting blown up."
Again, “crazy” is used lazily here. Consider "weird’ or “strange” or “off the wall.”
(Was it really necessary to call me lazy here? Also, ‘off the wall?’ Really? )
From PoK draft : Jordan hangs on your every word and almost falls off the couch when you get to the part about Corliss conspiring with the Tremere to remove Arundel. "That's insane!" ${jordan_heshe} exclaims. "Vivian can't just say that without any evidence!"
SR: Using insane here as an exclamation is pejorative. Instead, replace with, “Oh shit!” Or “Oh fuck!”
(Worth noting that Jordan has consistently talked this way throughout the whole game and is less likely to use the word ‘fuck’ in general. I’m not sure how ‘Oh shit!’ is less lazy. )
I could do a lot more of these, but you get the gist. While some of them might be somewhat reasonable (and others less so) my perception of the document was immediately coloured by coming right out the gate calling my manuscript ‘a mess’ that was likely to ‘cause an Internet Uproar not only with the ableism but the misogyny.’ (Why is ‘Internet Uproar’ in capital letters twice in this document?)
Why use language like ‘I’m not buying it’, why call my language ‘lazy?’ Why call my writing: ‘blithe ableism?’
Did anyone else here play Night Road? You know, the game that drops the word ‘crazy’ every five seconds like it’s 1995? When it’s explicitly used to target Malkavians in NR? I guess that gets a free pass while I’m called ableist a few dozen times for funsies? To be clear, I have no issue with using that language in Night Road. What really burned my ass was the blatant double standard and accusations.
Anyway, thanks for coming to my TED talk. If this violated any rules, feel free to delete it. Like I said at the top, I planned on letting this go, but people kept asking for examples.
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They were so certain your prose would cause an internet uproar. This sounds almost alien, like they have never visited the interwebs before
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Sounds like the SR was a bit chronically online, honestly. This is why I have mixed feelings on what the point of an SR even is…it’s just a handful of statistically insignificant opinions. A little more educated opinions perhaps, but then again, perhaps not. Using words like “crazy,” or “stupid” is far from an objectively offensive choice, character dialogue or narration, writing or real life. They spoke as though this vocabulary was as widely and vehemently denounced for as substantial of reasons as the r word or something, when really, I think the majority either definitely do not find it offensive outside of insult slinging scenarios or are indifferent at this point—even amongst affected parties. I myself am one such “mad” individual, and honestly I’m far more annoyed with this so called sensitivity reader on your behalf than I ever have been about being labeled insane. If they had pointed it out as a potential detail you might want to think on, that would make sense as some do debate this even though I find that argument a little eyeroll worthy. But to outright call it ableism is certainly a leap. I don’t set out to offend either but let’s be real—not all opinions are valid or worth listening to equally. Can’t please everyone. Which is why in these cases I think a majority consensus is more important. And such a consensus simply has not been established.
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I’ve been dealing with ultra-rapid cycling bipolar my entire life, so I suppose I’m a little ‘mad’ myself. I didn’t get properly medicated until I was in my 20s, so I know what it’s like to be insulted for such things. That’s one of the reasons this SR’s nonsense got under my skin so damn bad.
Or maybe they’ve visited the internet too much…
Anyway, I’ve already derailed things too much. Like I said, I didn’t plan to dump all that originally, so apologies to the OP for getting us off track.
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I would have been so tempted to respond with:
“I’m writing a story about vampires—monsters literally damned by God Almighty, who sustain themselves by consuming human beings, but I apologize on their behalf they aren’t more sensitive in their word choices when conversing among one another.”
(Has this sensitivity reader never read any World of Darkness material?)
So, can those of us who have actual diagnosed mental illnesses get upset at people insisting we can’t use OUR word? Doesn’t this fall under the same umbrella as telling a person in a wheelchair they aren’t allowed to use the word “disabled”? 
I’m being mostly sarcastic, here, but I’m definitely annoyed on your behalf. They definitely came in hot.
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Woah. OK I mean. Woah. I would have been absolutely devastated to receive those comments. They’re just… well, mean. And all the name calling! I am so glad you shared.
I find the lack of a professional tone extremely concerning. The worst thing I had even imagined them saying was “you are ablist”, and these comments leave that in the shade. If the SR had a problem with these things, they could have made a single comment, up top, which read, “You might want to consider switching out your use of ‘button’ terms like crazy etc. as some players might find this kind of language ablist.” They might even, I suppose, have offered a general list of alternatives, although in my experience of professional editors, they basically always stop at telling you what to change, and leave the how up to you.
I also find it worrying that the SR doesn’t seem to have understood the game, or taken local context into account. I wonder if they actually read it fully, or just did control-F for words they were expecting to have a problem with and read around those sections?
And their alternative terms are not always good either. Plenty of autistic people find the word ‘weird’, for example, massively problematic because it is practically an offensive synonym for autism, for example.
I also think this is a good point, actually. We have to be allowed our own language for our own brains.
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I had trouble sleeping for days, which is embarrassing to admit. I’m not normally so fragile, but I’d put so much work and care into Parliament of Knives, and to have this person swoop in at the last second to tear me apart, who clearly didn’t care about the source material, was humiliating. Defending my choices against accusations of ableism and misogyny was not something I expected to be confronted with, especially considering my record of strong women leaders in my other games which has been praised multiple times.
I’m finding your comments and others’ on this thread to be a bit of a relief actually. The way this was treated by those working with me at the time was as if the SR was entirely valid and they did nothing wrong.
They absolutely didn’t understand the game. I have even more examples of this, and I brought them up at the time, but received no proper response.
I brought this up too. I ended up coming up with better alternatives and rewriting over a dozen examples into sentences a lot better than this SR could come up with. Those reworks I came up with were accepted for the final draft, none of which were the options this SR asked for.
The fact that a well-paid sensitivity reader actually recommended, in writing, that I use ‘off the wall’ to replace ‘crazy’ in a dark very serious political vampire story is beyond insane. (see what i did there? That was me not being subtle.)
I never actually responded to the SR. No point. I worked directly with my editor from there in. Most likely a self-important grad with no practical experience or published books to their name who has nothing going for them but to tear down others’ work. Those who can’t do, lecture.
Very unlikely, and hey proved it regularly. Jason had to explain that ‘Lunatic’ was a safe word to use as it’s a clan nickname.
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Jesus…That Person Was so Ignorant, is it too much to ask for some Level of politeness before making reviews? I Hope Not All SR Are like This and the issue got Adressed, because honestly Reading this type of stuff is Depressing, This type of behaviour also Ruins the Reputation of the service because no one would Like to work with Someone That Is just Going To Be Mean to them.
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