Seeking feedback/beta testers for 'Stray Heirs', a romantic fantasy WIP

[Eiwynn]

@Sashira

'm intrigued by the sorcerer - if I get a choice about who ransoms Seline, I’d like to meet him.

You want to meet the guy that wants to boil and bleed your virgin blood out of you?

My mind is blown @Sashira

[bobsmyuncle]

@Sashira

I’m intrigued by the sorcerer - if I get a choice about who ransoms Seline, I’d like to meet him.

Yes!! Maybe he’s not looking for human sacrifice, maybe he wants an apprentice! Let Seline learn sorcery and blast her enemies

@Sashira

I enjoyed how you wrote Andreas’s plotline. The whole “Do I get a choice?” “Do you want one?”, as well as the earlier question about the abduction makes it easier to include a sort of consensual non-consent path without shoving it at anyone who would find it creepy and awful. You’re on track to write something kinky and sexy that doesn’t force all people to have all fetishes, well done.

Agreed! I know some people are into the whole bad boy sexual tension thing, and that’s cool, I just don’t want to have to go there if I don’t want to.

[kanani40]

I love this beta and if you are willing to have me, I would love to beta test this game when its finished!

[Outrageous]

@elyneknight When you are finished with the story(writing, testing, polishing), do you plan to have it available to buy in app stores or free?

Because I’d buy it. I even would like to test it for you. I had fun playing a princess who I could have do like I did one time… Being chill with an intruder(well, in my head and my intruder at worst tracked in mud after getting the house wrong which the right one was across the street).

“Huh, there is someone/something in my floor. Talks to person in floor, then helps them get the stone out of the way Oh, here to kidnap me? Okay, I’ll play my part. terribly awkward attempt at a wink You won’t get away with this, fiend!”

[alliebee]

Literally just clicked the link- I LOVE the artwork! Did you create it? I’m sure I’ll have feedback on the actual game, but I just have to say I love the aesthetic so far (I’m on the 2nd page, so really not much to say content wise)

Side note: I’d love to beta test for you

[idonotlikeusernames]

I agree with most of what Pace says here, still for me personally it’s a shame we cannot be a kidnapped Prince instead.
So while this doesn’t seem like the game for me I wish you all the best with it and your writing style has got me intrigued enough to look forward to future projects/games from you that run a bit more to my taste.

[Dawn_Mason]

this is soooo good i really enjoyed playing it, i loved how feisty i could play the princess and cant wait for more also would be more than willing to beta xx good luck xx

[elyneknight]

@bobsmyuncle

When Andreas comes in to kidnap the princess. I’d prefer it if the princess could continue to try to keep him out. Obviously he’s going to get in anyway because plot, but maybe something like the princess moves the chest over to cover the loose flagstone… hey it sure seems quiet down there… oh crap, that bandit asshole is climbing in through my window!
I’d like to be able to decide who the princess is attracted to. I personally don’t like Andreas, so I hope Rain shows up again soon. And would it be possible to have a female LI?
Also, at some point I would like the option to try to escape or subvert Andreas’ plan somehow. I did like being able to try to grab a sword and escape, even if it didn’t work out.
Maybe something like “This is a narrative story with a defined character and plot, although you will have some leeway to select the character’s reactions.” Just so it’s clear this is not a game or branching story? I did enjoy it more once my expectations were adjusted.
I liked the back button, even if it made it obvious that the paths all led to the same place. I wish it was possible to do that in regular CoGs, there’s always some button I want to press to see what it does, but it’s out of character and I don’t want to have to restart.

Thanks so much. These suggestions are brilliant! I’ve added the disclaimer to the web site already. The only thing I don’t think I can do is change Seline’s physical attraction to Andreas, because the “unwillingly attracted” thing is kind of central to their interactions. I could however allow her to fight and suppress it more effectively. So, she can’t avoid feeling it to some extent, but she can control her actions enough to avoid flirting with him.

I’m doing revisions to hopefully give Seline some more creative and empowering options. Shamelessly stealing your idea of having him come through the window.

I’m still on the fence about the back button. Perhaps another possibility would be to allow 1-step backtracking, but no more?

I have thought a lot about female LIs. There are a couple of possibilities, but I’m not certain they’ll work naturally with the plot and character interactions. So I’m experimenting with them. I really don’t want it to seem tacked-on or artificial.

Again, thanks for your thoughts! They really were super helpful.

[elyneknight]

I’m really glad you said this, @Sashira (and sorry for the slow reply). This is actually my first attempt at writing anything romantic or erotic, let alone kinky, as well as my first attempt at IF - so I’m trying to walk a fine line with the consent issue! It’s very reassuring to know that aspect is working, at least for some – I’m trying to give readers more latitude to avoid flirting with Andreas if they choose, but I also don’t want to neuter him.

And yes, I don’t think it’ll ruin anything to say you will meet the sorcerer…

One question I’d be very grateful for your (and other people’s) advice on: how would you signal to readers the level of kink to expect in this story? Does “kinky romantic fantasy” capture it accurately? To be clear, there’s no direct non-con or BDSM here, but there are fairly clear suggestions of it, and for some people that could be enough to turn them off completely. So I don’t want to either fail to warn readers who find this kind of thing upsetting, or disappoint those who are looking for something more hardcore.

@alliebee

Literally just clicked the link- I LOVE the artwork! Did you create it? I’m sure I’ll have feedback on the actual game, but I just have to say I love the aesthetic so far (I’m on the 2nd page, so really not much to say content wise)

Side note: I’d love to beta test for you

Thank you very much! And I’m so glad you liked the art – it’s just a bunch of photo mashups with gimp filters. I really wish I could draw!

@Dawn_Mason

this is soooo good i really enjoyed playing it, i loved how feisty i could play the princess and cant wait for more also would be more than willing to beta xx good luck xx

Awesome, thank you!

@Outrageous

@elyneknight When you are finished with the story(writing, testing, polishing), do you plan to have it available to buy in app stores or free?

Because I’d buy it. I even would like to test it for you. I had fun playing a princess who I could have do like I did one time… Being chill with an intruder(well, in my head and my intruder at worst tracked in mud after getting the house wrong which the right one was across the street).

“Huh, there is someone/something in my floor. Talks to person in floor, then helps them get the stone out of the way Oh, here to kidnap me? Okay, I’ll play my part. terribly awkward attempt at a wink You won’t get away with this, fiend!”

Wow, thank you so much! It means a lot to me that someone would actually pay for my fiction. Not that I care about money, but it’s really validating you think my work is worth it! I haven’t thought much about what to do when it’s finished… maybe a free app with ads and a premium version without? Or something like that… I’ll have to do some research!

It’s funny to hear from someone who’s actually experienced an intruder like this. I was a bit worried people might be upset that I wanted to turn such a potentially traumatic experience into a romance (though I hope it’s obvious the whole thing is pure silly fantasy). So I’m glad it wasn’t offensive to you!

And thanks for the offer to beta test, I will definitely take you up on that!

[Quaintrelle]

Something along the lines of kink-lite ahead or suggestive kink may apply?
Kink-allusive romantic fantasy or spicy/erotic romantic fantasy should also fit like a silken glove.

[Outrageous]

@elyneknight Well, my intruder wasn’t exactly one to be afraid of… An underage kid hoping to crash at his friend’s place after a long night of partying and went into the wrong house(or maybe it was the right wrong one, he probably wouldn’t have received so nice a hostess I if he had gone into a different wrong house), gobbled up my hamburger, chugged a bottle of water, and then fell asleep on the couch leaving me devastated about my hamburger and the mud he tracked in and orchestrating my revenge in the form of the police…

I did kinda offer him the hamburger after I noticed he broke a piece off, though… I was too casual through the whole thing that the most traumatizing thing was the hamburger and mud.

The kidnapping in this story made me want the princess to react just as casually.

PS: Probably the most traumatizing thing for the princess would be the rug. “I liked that rug in that spot. It was perfect for not getting cold toes! Now what am I supposed to do?! ”

[iris]

I smashed him with a vase. I threw books and perfume at him. Then I smashed the mirror to pieces and fucking stabbed him with the shards and he still won’t let me go.

I mean, damn Andreas, give me points for dedication!

(this is a good time and I’d love to beta test)

[Sau_Mei_Ng]

Applause to @elyneknight. Very kinky and interesting. I am tempted for beta testing but I never beta test for any1 b4. So I am so looking forward if it have chance to be publish.
As for feedback. Very interesting, very kinky, replayable. How stray for the heir you actually intend to. I totally like the way you code it because no need to restart over and over again like some WIP which not yet have save slot. You can act back track and see the few options answer b4 decide the best 1 to preceed.
If you don’t mind someone new to beta test for you with no knowledge of coding and English not my primary language, so maybe grammar wise will be poor. Great story so far. Make me want to play again and again. Looking forward to the finish product of your brilliant work. Gud luck with beta testing. Hope can buy from app store/COG/hosted game or any book game publisher which you goes with. GAMBATE​:raised_hands:

[Sau_Mei_Ng]

Love Andrea… hate the girlfriend. Love my best friend Rain😢 and totally sad he hate me NOW😭. Daddy… you jerk, don’t bully Rain. Totally fall in love with your creation @elyneknight. Every choice intriguing. Keep up the good work.

[blackrising]

So…I want Nyora. Sure, she tries to maul your face and all, but she’s a lot more appealing to me than either Rain or Andreas. Presumably because I’m pretty darn gay.

[elyneknight]

… only 9 years late!!

so many, many years ago I started writing a Twine story called Stray Heirs. And I got all excited and posted about it here, and people were super supportive and helpful.

then life… happened… and my story abruptly got neglected. Dark times. I felt awful because I’d let everyone down. Still, when I had a spare moment I’d keep chipping away at it. But I never had anything I felt okay sharing.

Until now, that is. There are 20 chapters, maybe 70-100K words depending on how you read, and multiple endings. It’s up on itch privately now and I would love to have some beta testers look over the whole thing to catch any discontinuities or errors or me otherwise being an idiot.

Here’s the blurb:

"When an embittered outlaw kidnaps a wilful princess, two kingdoms are brought to the brink of war.

Life as the Crown Princess of Thronheim can get a little dull. That is, until you’re abducted by a brutal criminal and embroiled in a plot to overthrow your own father. Can you survive the monstrosities of the Twisted Forest, save your best friend’s life, escape an evil sorcerer, and stop a war?"

You can check out the first 4 chapters at: https://strayheirs.neocities.org/
Or message me for a link to the full beta. Thank you!!!

[Smile_001]

Hi, I would like to beta test your WIP. I read the first 4 chapters which were very well thought out and interesting.
I really loved how you wrote the thought process and dialogue of the main character. I think that Rain was a cool character, but Andreas had the most strongest characterization so far other than the MC. Though Nyora feels like a good rival character and solid characterization because she has her own motives & story. And the Prince character is still too mysterious for me to really judge. I also wish that there was perhaps a bit more backstory of MC’s dad, or some very little introspection/hint/reason on why he is like his current self.
I also loved how there were a lot of varied and different choices the MC could make to convey their characterization, but still had their own personality and felt unique. It feels like the perfect balance between a self-insert and an actual character in a novel. And lastly, I really like that this WIP has a back button, becuz then you don’t have to worry about how many save slots you have and which slot was for which plot point.
Also, will there be an estimated deadline to provide feedback? what are some main questions and aspects of the story you would like to get feedback on? Thank you very much for sharing such a interesting WIP with your talented writing skills!! All the best in further developing this WIP!!

[maymay]

Hey!
I’d love to help with beta reading if you’ll have me, I just read the four available chapters and absolutely loved the story (and Andreas) so far, you’ve done an incredible job!
Is there any feedback in specific that you’re looking for aside from errors and discontinuities? I’ve beta tested for games before but that was mostly for grammar-related corrections and also for general bugs in choicescript code (I’m not too familiar with Twine unfortunately), so if there’s anything in specific in the story that you’d like the beta testing to touch on I’ll do my best to adapt and help!
Thank you and all the best!

[elyneknight]

Thanks so much for this lovely comment Smile! I will PM you with a download link for the beta version.

I’m really glad you’re enjoying the characters and the balance between self-insert and being a fixed character, because that’s something that’s worried me a lot with writing this story. BTW there is more backstory with Seline’s dad later, so hopefully he will make sense eventually!

There’s no fixed deadline for feedback, I’m figuring this out as I go!

Re main questions for feedback - I’m really interested in just hearing whatever you think/feel about the experience. The skills/dice roll system is new so understanding how that could be improved would be really helpful. I did a lot of revisions trying to make the relationship dynamics feel more alive and responsive, and I don’t know if that worked at all. But also basic stuff, any plot holes, inconsistencies, dead links, anything jarring or annoying about the interface - the usual!

[elyneknight]

@maymay

Hey!
I’d love to help with beta reading if you’ll have me, I just read the four available chapters and absolutely loved the story (and Andreas) so far, you’ve done an incredible job!
Is there any feedback in specific that you’re looking for aside from errors and discontinuities? I’ve beta tested for games before but that was mostly for grammar-related corrections and also for general bugs in choicescript code (I’m not too familiar with Twine unfortunately), so if there’s anything in specific in the story that you’d like the beta testing to touch on I’ll do my best to adapt and help!

Thanks so much may! So glad you’re enjoying it! and Andreas I will PM you a download link.

I’d really appreciate feedback on the player experience in general. This is the first time I’ve done something like this so anything helps! I worry a lot about how character and relationship development feels, and the skill/dice roll system. Also if the UI makes sense or should be different.