I’ve just written the skeleton code for the additional scenes for Nell and Salah.
*label talk_salah
You meet up with Salah one morning when you both find yourself working in the yard. The guards made everyone spend every other morning in the yard doing various jobs. These tasks covered everything from cleaning the guards uniforms, to repairing them, some prisoners who had particular skills were also assigned jobs other than that.
Salah for example ended up being forced into a sort of fighting ring held by the guards who liked to bet on the matches. He didn't like it, but he told you that it kept them off his back.
Today however, he didn't have a fight so he is in the yard with you, both using a pick-axe on stones collected by other prisoners.
*label work_with_salah
*choice
#Ask about his health.
[ToDo].
*goto work_with_salah
#Ask about his past.
[ToDo].
*goto work_with_salah
#Ask about his [i]crime[/i].
[ToDo].
*goto work_with_salah
#Ask about his last fight.
[ToDo].
*goto work_with_salah
#Ask about his next fight.
[ToDo].
*goto work_with_salah
#Focus on working.
[ToDo].
*goto jail_time
*label talk_nell
Nell comes and visits you one morning, an arm wrapped around a guard. Her laugh carries down towards your cell before you see her.
"Try that on your wife," she finishes telling the guard. "She'll never forget it."
"I will, thanks Nell," the guard says handing her a wrapped bundle.
Nell flashes a smile and walks over to your cell. The guard opens the cell and let's her enter.
"Remember, I can only buy you about an hour," the guard tells her. "I'll whistle a song when I'm coming back."
Nell nods at the guard who walks away and she finally turns her attention to you.
"Good morning," she says. "I wanted to share a decent meal with you."
Nell sits down on the floor and unwraps the bundle, revealing a few pieces of fruit and some strips of varied meats.
"I exchanged some information about pleasing women with that guard and got myself some of the guards rations," she explains.
*label eat_with_nell
*choice
#Eat a piece of fruit.
[ToDo].
*goto eat_with_nell
#Eat a strip of meat.
[ToDo].
*goto eat_with_nell
#Ask about her health.
[ToDo].
*goto eat_with_nell
#Ask about her relationships with the guards.
[ToDo].
*goto eat_with_nell
#Ask her for a story about one of her clients.
[ToDo].
*goto eat_with_nell
#I hear whistling, time to pack things up.
[ToDo].
*goto jail_time
Looking at the initial setups, is there anything else you would like to ask either of them?
Not really, but I feel there could be more variation for Robins in the yard. Maybe let you choose what you’re doing; if you’re on laundry or uniform repair, it’s likely you’re playing a smaller character; if you’re doing something that requires more strength, a larger.
Good point and something I was considering. Having generic jobs for all Robins then have one based off their origin and their height.
Cooking
Cleaning
Clothing repairs
Noble ???
Yeoman - breaking rocks (current example)
Acolyte - recording information from old books
Tall - fighting matches
Average - ???
Short - repairs (small enough to fit in small places)
Thank you. It is a great suggestion and reinforced my thoughts!
Given that the noble would most likely be educated too, they could probably do the same type of work that the acolyte does. So prison records, accounting, letters/correspondence. Average could probably be anything that didn’t require fitting into tight or high spaces, so everything that short could do, minus the small space repairs and everything the tall could do, even if not quite the desired show for the fights. Average and yeoman should probably be the all-around/general picks, if you ask me. Tall and short would be the outliers just as noble and acolyte would. Robin is how old? The farm and church origins make them sound fairly young, like mid to late teens? A tall Robin would be a bit out of the ordinary and prone to garnering more attention, perhaps; particularly if female.
Robin is 19 during the origin and prison scene. Then from the point you attack the carriage two years have passed so they are 21 during the second half of chapter one.
I really like the idea of having combinations of height and origin determining what jobs you get. I want to rewrite the prison section to extend it and have an actual plan to escape (and use it as a tutorial on the later jobs i.e assigning roles)
@Nocturnal_Stillness not certain if its been reported or addressed yet but when playing when we are accosting the carriage the very first time even when choosing to shoot the older red guard and the option for it to whiz right past his horse. Its treated as if we shot him with a arrow when the younger guard reacts.
That’s not been reported yet but I’ll get that fixed later!
EDIT: That should be fixed now.
General update on my plans.
I am going to start reworking the first chapter as I believe I have a plan for dealing with the pacing issues. The biggest difference between the rewrite and the current version of the game will be as follows;
Chapter One will consist of an extended origin (will cover four weeks of Robin’s past and introduce a new character (a potential betrothed for Noble Robin, and a crush for Yeoman Robin and Acolyte Robin) this new character will also reappear in later chapters.
Chapter One’s second half will be an extended prison scene which will end up with the Robin actually having to work at escaping and will be the players tutorial of the assigning roles that will later be part of the game when they can start attempting jobs.
There won’t be flashbacks or present scenes mixed. Chapter One will cover the past and Chapter Two will be set 2 years later and have the present scenes currently in the game.
One of the first changes is to how you pick the origins; it is similar, but now is a bit of a stop-gap. You can choose your origin, get a little scene setter and then have an option to pick again.
Wolf's Head. Outlaw. Bandit. They weren't titles you ever expected to hold, but it wasn't you who got you started on this path. No, that honour belonged to another, a corrupt nobleman called Sir Guy of Gisborne. He was the one who turned your life upside down when he…
*label origin_choice
*choice
#…declared my family as traitors to the Crown.
*goto noble_origin
#…stole our farm under the guise of the law.
*goto yeoman_origin
#…burned down the Priory where I was raised.
*goto acolyte_origin
*label noble_origin
Your father was Sir Robert of Locksley, one of the nobles who helped run the town of Little Market and one of King Richard's loyal retainers. When your king went to war, your father followed, leaving you to help your mother look after your estate and honour the Locksley name.
Things were going well until the fateful day you encountered Sir Guy of Gisborne…
*choice
#I will never forget that day.
*goto noble_start
#Did I say Noble? I meant something else.
*goto origin_choice
*label yeoman_origin
Your father was Arthur Ravenwood, one of the yeomen who owned farms near the town of Little Market. The lives of the nobility meant nothing to you; you were always too busy helping out on the farm. Lately, you have been busy tracking down some wolves that have been bothering your cattle.
Things were going well until the fateful day you encountered Sir Guy of Gisborne…
*choice
#I will never forget that day.
*goto yeoman_start
#Did I say Yeoman? I meant something else.
*goto origin_choice
*label acolyte_origin
You never knew your parents; instead, you were one of the orphans raised at the priory of the town of Little Market. The lives of nobility were always handled by those of a higher rank than yourself. Still, you were always kept busy helping the other monks. Recently, you were sent on a few errands with the honourable Friar Tuck. Reports of pagan activity concerned the elders.
Things were going well until the fateful day you encountered Sir Guy of Gisborne…
*choice
#I will never forget that day.
*goto acolyte_start
#Did I say Acolyte? I meant something else.
*goto origin_choice
These then will go into the revised origins; the encounter with Sir Guy will remain the same, as will the build-up to that; however, there will be scenes before that that introduce some new characters. (I’m planning on having a lot of the physical characteristics of Robin being decided in the origin part - this will include some additional options such as eye colour and hair colour - which does have variables, but I just recently noticed I never get the player to choose in my first draft of the original chapter one.
For the time being, please keep playing the current version of the demo, as almost all the scenes will be there in one form or another so all feedback will be useful.
Perhaps mucking the stables? Oiling saddles and other leatherwork?
Some suggested edits
Found a typo: “Watch Out!” A voice calls out, drawing your attention to a fourth guard who had almost reached you without either of you realising.
Should just be “Watch out!”
When talking with Arthur in the prison cell, perhaps the options should be greyed out or disappear as we go through the list of questions? Ask what he is in for. Ask why you aren’t in the Castle cells. (Is ‘castle’ meant to be capitalized here?) Ask about the other prisoners. Then something else happened.
The guard nods and leaves you with the other prisoner. He steps further into the light He is slightly taller than you. His grin widens.
Missing period after ‘light’.
Salah’s figure is wiry but athletic, he had the physique of a warrior, a fact that was clear even when the man is clad in rags.
Mix of present tense and past tense.
In fact, when you finally meet Salah, it is when he is in the middle of protecting another prisoner. This fifteen-year-old boy was in here for stealing an apple, and the Saracen was protecting him.
How do we know the boy is fifteen?
"Your English is better than I expected.
Missing " at the end.
Perhaps an option for not dreaming of anything at all, if the player isn’t interested in romancing anyone?
You double-check your bag of valuables; a silver necklace with a locket and a gold ring with an engraving in Latin that says “In aeternum tuum”, Friar Tuck explained that it meant “Forever Yours”.
Perhaps the last line is better as: You double-check your bag of valuables; a silver necklace with a locket and a gold ring with an engraving in Latin that says “In aeternum tuum”. Friar Tuck had explained that it meant “Forever Yours”. Just a suggestion.
Some mix ups of capitalized S and C: I would usually offer you five Silver coins for it […] I’ll offer you ten Silver coins. […] you’ve given me items worth 15 Silver Coins […] you now have 19 Silver Coins. […] you will need at least five Silver coins […] Let’s donate some Silver. Time to spend some Silver. […] You think carefully, you have 19 Silver coins at the moment and Friar Tuck said you will need at least five of them to purchase the supplies.
I am guessing it is meant to be like this the whole way through: I will offer you that plus another two silver coins.
“What about the gold ring?” you continue, interested in if that was only gold plated too. The ‘interested in if’ doesn’t seem quite right but I am not sure what a better phrasing would be.
Heading back into town, you wander around, feeling the atmosphere caused by the Sheriff’s hold on it and reigniting your desire to stop him.
A little description of said atmosphere would be nice.
Looking forward to this character and the rest of your planned reworking! ^^
Played the game again and found a few other things:
On the stats page: Check out our Wealth. Should probably not be capitalised.
Also on the page Persons of interest:-
This character is the only one not capitalised: “The companion”
You and Will have become the closest, but you also grew closer to… You both leave the camp and head for the closest road and hitch a ride with a travelling merchant.
This text comes after I have already chosen John as the one I am closest to.
“My name is Much,” Much answers politely. “And this is my companion, Robin.”
This is on the next page; I didn’t choose Much at any point. (The second ‘Much’ should probably just be a ‘he’.)
In the pub: “We’ve got Ale which will cost you one Silver Coin, or we’ve got water.” […] “One ale coming right up,” the bar owner says before turning around and pouring you an ale. “That will be one Silver Coin.”
Nell has changed a lot since you last saw her. Her unkempt red hair that fell past her shoulders was no more and now her hair is cut and styled into a short curly bob. The new look definitely suited her as did her new outfit, a lot finer than the rags she was forced to wear at the prison. Her silk dress is cut off at the thigh and the tight corset only emphasised her voluptous figure. Corsets weren’t really a thing in the 12th century when King Richard I lived but with the rest of her description I am guessing this is more of a deliberately anachronistic thing like at a Ren Faire? (Why do I care about the corset and not the rest? I don’t know )
-The noblewoman who you hear one of the common folk call her Lady Elizabeth is a similar height to you.
The sentence should probably be: The noblewoman, who you hear one of the common folk call Lady Elizabeth, is of similar height to you. (Possibly the “who” should be “whom”.)
Her raven hair tied up in a bun and her hazel eyes are gently studied the crowd. Missing “is” after “hair”. “Studying” instead of “studied”.
It made you think of your mother, as she was quite loved by the common folk too. “makes” instead of “made”.
Perfect, I’ve got everything he asked for," Catherine says dumping a bag on her table. “That’ll be Seven Silvers!” Returning her smile, you hand over five Silver coins and take the bag.
You walk over to the two crier and ask for a tournament leaflet. Should be “town crier”.
They didn’t need to know you climbed out of the water with a cocky smile which John promptly slapped you for worrying him. Unfortunately, John has other ideas and gleefully recounts the time he slapped the smirk from your face, which caused the kids to giggle.
Missing “off” from the first sentence but the phrase seems redundant to have in two sentences right after each other. (“off” instead of “from”)
You nod, Will often dealt with some of the undesirables of towns so he’d often pick up things that wasn’t common knowledge.
The comma should be a period.
Even after talking with Allan and Much, the stats/bonds page says that I have Not Yet Encountered The Bard and The Blacksmith.
Okay, it was a bit more than I expected but it is mostly just nitpicks. I do enjoy your story!
Tangentially:
I found this video (Feeding a Medieval Outlaw) and at 9:01-9:40 he talks about medieval prisons. I didn’t know that about them, very interesting! Is that why you are giving the prisoners jobs?
The Noble Origin is done. It is currently 3,161 words.
I am currently working on the revised Yeoman origin, which is presently 2,789 words so far.
I should have this origin and the acolyte origin done by the weekend, and then I’ll rework the prison scenes the following week. I should be able to get the rewrite done in time for me to start Chapter Two in March.
Thanks for all the feedback so far. I’ll action some of the more recent input once I get to that bit during the rewrite
EDIT: I’ll update the demo once all three origins are done, and I’ll write the revised prison scenes.
EDIT (2): Yeoman origin is now complete, and it’s currently 3,030 words. I am working on the acolyte origin, and that is currently 1,842 words.
All three origins have been revised and I’ve now moved on to the revised prison scene.
As I’m now adding a few possible jobs for Robin to do here is what I’ve got planned so far.
Washing the Guards’ Uniforms.
Breaking Stones in the yard. (Yeoman Robin or if Robin is Tall)
Transcribing old books (Noble or Acolyte Robin).
Accounting (Noble Robin).
Transcribing and reading letters (Noble or Acolyte Robin).
Mucking out the stables.
Repairing saddles (Yeoman Robin).
Making minor repairs (repairs depend on your height).
Prisoner Fights (will be offered if Robin is Tall, but you can volunteer yourself, too).
I’ve done most of the rewriting of the prison scene now; I just have to rewrite the escape.
I’m going to bed now but will be writing it tomorrow. My current concern is this I want each chapter to have a single “heist/job” but I cannot decide whether to have the escape be that moment or do I keep the escape how it currently is in the demo and have the heist/job be how Robin rescues Little John and becomes the leader of the Merry Men OR do I have the escape be the job you plan and then just go into the timeskip and have Robin be the leader (in this case the rescue of Little John will be an event that gets a passing mention with the player choosing how they did it.
The event of encountering Little John would be semi-set regardless, but it could be fun to at least explore some personality responses to said events. If you’re more inclined to move on, though, the passing mention should do just as well. Either way is backstory, and that’s not something I would complain about.
I’ve decided to have the prison escape be roughly how it was and will allow the player to determine what earned Little John’s respect, which will now become one of three possibilities. All three events have you rallying the Merry Men, but what did they need to do? 1) Rescue Little John when he was captured? 2) Went after some kids from the orphanage after they were taken by Sir Guy’s men and rescued them? or 3) ??? I’m still thinking of a third option.
)
