Finally started to get some momentum going with part 3 of Hero or Villain… Which I’m super happy about.
I was a DM for many years… The reason I started writing choicescript is that it triggers the same part of my brain. Tbh I don’t consider myself a writer really… More like a DM in written form! 
Before I can give proper feedback, I would want to read the scene.
What I can say is that based on the premise and conceptualization, depending on how the scene is written, warnings may be warranted at the beginning of the story, but even this is just a guess at the moment.
There is a scene very much like this in Defiled Hearts: The Barbarian that, if presented in summary form, may signal all sorts of red flags, but reads very different from how the actual scene is written.
I think @Kaelyn’s line of questioning is one you should be asking yourself as you write the scene.
Explain (Show) to the reader the reasons this is a situation in the first place. Have your text tell the reader what you want them to know, instead of speculating.
This sort of concern has a different set of variables if it is an IF work as well, because often the protagonist is a self-insert in an IF story
tldr: Can’t give constructive feedback on a scene until I can read the actual scene, but you should keep in mind certain core emphases while writing.
Had way too much fun procrastinating by writing achievements.
I adore making achievement names, it’s so fun!
@Kaelyn Nice question that I never ask myself! The best I can come up with that is: Fubuki is there because they need her measures for the uniform, and there are not dressing rooms because… they are simply using buildings of the just conquered city and they had to adapt on whats left.
No she hasn’t any weapons both because she never used one and because her strength are lighting powers. Also her tropical weather clothes would make hard hiding any weapon.
@vera Yes. The scene exist mostly for relationship growth.
@saggittarius No, sorry. It’s traditional writing. Writing it’s already hard work as it is without coding, and Stories From Gaia (where I took the scene) is my “personal/pet project” (I hope I made myself clear). One day I might wrote a self conclusive spin off CYOA in that world but without most of the cast (90% of them should have too plot armor to make them believable)
@Eiwynn Believe me, I’d show you… if I had written it, and if my prose would translate smoothly in English.
Is it the character creation recruitment scene? If so, yes something similar, but here there is high focus on both Kiia and Christopher discomfort.
Lastly, while I’m aiming for the most neutral narrative approach (thoughts and feeling belong to the characters or the common knowledge), I must admit the my concerning here is to make sure that neither Christopher (one of the 4 protagonist of the overall story) or Fubuki appear as unsympathetic.
Yes, there will be later a romantic development… and even more complication with another woman (Pira). To oversimplify much more later Christopher will struggle between not wanting a Poly relationship (technically he can have it according to his order, as long there is no marriage at all, but he is uncomfortable with the idea), and the fact that he does not want abandon neither of them after what they have done to him. While Kiia and Pira (but mostly Kiia to Pira) try to understanding each other without hurting each other.
For this moment Kiia might have a hidden crush, Christopher not yet because he doesn’t know her long enough, even if they spent a lot of time together during his visit
If I was writing achievements, there would be only videogames and memes quotes. Is it too much?
Guess I might share my currently-shelved achievements list as well since, well, it’s currently shelved.
Tea, Earl Grey, Hot - name your computer “Computer”
It Was A Joke - name your computer “EDI”
What Do You Think You’re Doing, Dave? - name your computer “HAL”
End Of Line - name your computer ”MCP”
I Will Be Everywhere - name your computer “SkyNet”
(And the reason it’s shelved is that in the original concept, you were a lone pilot, which you are not anymore, so you have no control over the name of the ship’s computer.)
…aaaannnd now I’m studying how to create fractals in Python, of all things.
It is where the MC is in line for a Roman kit, before the Centurion pulls them out of the queue.
Is the narrator’s point-of-view a neutral observer, or is it that of an unreliable witness?
If it is the former, then it should be easier to just point out the fact that the two are uncomfortable.
If it is the latter (which is what I suspect, given 4 protagonists) then you will have to express the discomfiture in their narrations.
Remember that an unreliable witness is never neutral.
The only way to know if you succeed in doing this is to get feedback on the actual scene.
Edit:
Could some of the messiness be a result of using both a complex narrative style and having so many narrators?
A narration is like a puddle. The more people that trample through it, the muddier the reflection gets.
A mix of both.
Here an exemple:
He was sneaking into the shadows [neutral omniscient narrator], he could sense the fear. They were afraid of him because no one has ever been able to escape him [unreliable witness, common knowledge]… Not that he needed to be feared to kill someone [first person thoughts].
PS I always use the third person. Never been comfortable with the first, I found it too intrusive.
One day when I get to achievement names, I will pay some homages to the typos that came up when I was writing xD some are quite silly, though, which unfortunately may not fit the vibe of my story.
I’m still trying to figure and refine my style writing and rewriting over and over.
About the messiness… Here’s something interesting and hilarious:
Before writing I had decided that I would never put retcons and/or twist reveals to not mess everything.
Now I have 2 major projects, each one with 4 protagonists (who coincidently are two men and two women in both) where each protagonist meets and helps (or fights against) many secondary characters with their own subplot; until eventually the subplot and the character come to an end leaving something (metaphorically speaking) to the protagonist.
The result is indeed a bit messy in picture. Once a friend asked how I menage everything and I answered: 1) notes 2) everything on its own proper time, on its own proper terms.
@vera @will @Kaelyn @quartz @Leinco @Eiwynn
Thanks everyone for the help. I owe you this one
Hi, first time posting here! Hopefully, I didn’t break any rules.
I just wanted to ask how to balance lore dumping and storytelling. I know it’s a rather general question, but it has been bugging me for quite a while. On the one hand, I want the readers to have all the information; on the other hand, it might make the story less engaging. I tried to weave them into my stories (through dialogues, songs, and many other mediums), but I find that doing this too much might disrupt the flow of the story.
Other than that, I think my writing process has been okay-ish. Admittedly, I still have a bit of problem in dealing with grammatical “edge cases”, such as stating facts in the present tense when writing a story set in the past, but I’ll manage.
To answer the questions in the first post - I only DMed a modified version of the “shadow over bogenhafen” series, but the campaign’s delivered in another language. It’s a fun experience, and I aspire to write a homebrew module one day. (Well, after I find a way to balance my monster stats. I tend to make encounters way too hard or way too easy, but never just right XD)
When a piece of world building becomes relevant, you give it to the reader. This can be hard when the MC should theoretically already know the info, but it can be done.
The farther outside the head of the MC we are, the more believable it is to have a narrator give us info. First person is less forgiving than third or second person.
Another option is for the MC to be an outsider. It’s not just us who need the info, but also the MC. This opens up the chances of another character explaining something without it seeming out of place.
You can also have a codex within your stat page (obviously doesn’t help with traditional novels). You can place all your world building there, regardless of what’s actually relevant. That way any readers who are interested can read it at their own leisure
That’s what I’m aiming for, as I’m planning an HG that is a sequel to two novels, and they all happen in the same world and kingdom.
I see! Thanks a lot for the tips. I’ll defintely try it.
Omg…thats me. So I decided to just go with ‘You better tell me its good…or else…!!!’ 
Here it is the 15th of the month, and I am following through with what I started last month.
I just finished writing this excerpt this morning, so once again it’s too raw for proper critique and feedback, but a friendly word is always welcome.
I am sharing an excerpt from chapter seven of my Patchworks project. There are no trigger warnings, but I shall put it in a cut, so no one is forced to read it.
Just like last month, I am inviting others to share as well. 
As you settle in the back of the deep red cabin of the electric horseless carriage, your thoughts are on Paige in their exotic valet uniform the night you were getting out of the carriage in front of the Empress’ Opera Ballet.
Either by accident or by purpose, your gloved hand lingered on their arm as you were extraditing yourself from the carriage’s interior. Paige, smiling, stifled a chuckle, and remarked that the high heels of your lace boots must make it difficult to get around in.
“Elizabeth?” A sound outside of the coach-house startles you back into the present. “Are you there?”
“Paige…” The heavy outer doors crack open, admitting a bright stream of sun-light into the nearly pitch-dark interior of the coach-house. “Is that you?”
“It is.” Paige approaches the carriage, pushes the door’s brass latch upward with a bump of their hip, and pulls the door open. "Hello my Morning-Dove.”
“I’ve …” You wrap your arms around Paige, all the while drawing them into the back seat with you. “I have missed you, my love.”
“Mmm” Paige collapses into your embrace and snuggles close to you with a kiss lingering on the nape of your neck. “What a sight for sore eyes you are.”
“Have mercy my love.” You nibble on Paige’s ear lobe, as their fingers toy with the lace fasteners of your dress. "Have mercy.”
*page_break
“I told you that she was faithless!” The voice of your confidante, Miriam wakes you from the slumber you had fallen into. “There they are… in the carriage!”
“Miriam…” As your sleep-filled eyes start to focus, you see your husband and Miriam advance into the coach-house. “Husband.”
“Er-?” Paige exits and sets their back against the carriage. They quiver in paralyzed fright. Paige is a lover, not a fighter. “What are you two doing here?”
“I had to tell him, Elizabeth.” Miriam steps to the walls of the carriage-house, eying the mechanic’s tools hanging from them. “Paige is stealing you away.”
“It … it is true…I … I found another.” You take a few steps forward, putting yourself between your husband and Paige. “I beg you, please have mercy.”
“Elizabeth!” With your attention diverted, Miriam circles behind you and attacks Paige with a pair of needle-nosed pliers, killing her. “Argh!”
“Miriam?” You twirl around and see that your ex-confidante has stabbed Paige through the eye with the pliers. “Why… why did you kill Paige?”
“You need to be punished.” Miriam spins on her heel and retreats with the bloody needle-nosed pliers. “I deserve to be at your husband’s right hand.”
“Wha-?" Cutting yourself off before your voice could crack under grief, you end up wrapping yourself in a hug. “I don’t understand.”
“I already knew about Paige.” Your husband circles to your right, forcing you to turn to your left. “I didn’t care, until you decided to flee with the blood-rose.”
“He knew about Paige!” You get into Miriam’s face and scream at her. “He did not care, so, why lie and convince me otherwise?”
“To be your husband’s wife.” You flinch in revulsion, the poison in your ex-confidante’s voice is so powerful that it makes you take a step back. “Why else?”
“Enough, Miriam.” Following your husband’s order, Miriam spins on her heel and retreats with the bloody needle-nose pliers. “Step away from my wife.”
After many false starts, I finally reached this long-standing goal today. And now I take a well-earned break.
Oooh, it’s the 15th already?
@Hazel Congratulations on the public release! Enjoy your break.
@Eiwynn Normally I would say I enjoyed the excerpt you shared, but to be completely honest, the extract evoked in me a bunch of different emotions, most of them not being enjoyment. But that just speaks as to the quality of the extract, and that I was touched by your words.
And now, I’ll share an excerpt of my own from chapter 2 of my main WIP. I’m pretty sure that it isn’t in the demo version yet, but even if it is, I’d like to share it anyway. So this is a scene that invokes the main conflict of chapter 2:
I wish you all sucess in all of your endeavours in the rest of this month. 
Ethan peeks around the side of the large doorway that serves as the entrance to classroom 13. He watches as the members of the student council pass through the large mirror situated in the centre of the room, as if it were a wall of water.
Ethan ends up surprised at his own indifference to the spectacle he just witnessed. In truth, he already knew. He had seen Emma’s hand sticking out the bottom of the mirror after all. Still, nothing could quite prepare him to see a group of students walk inside a mirror as if it were nothing.
He checks the hallway behind him, ensuring he was not being followed. "Nothing but moss…" He muttered to himself.
He slips inside of classroom 13. Feeling rather underwhelmed, he stand in the middle of the empty classroom, and faces the dusty mirror. He looks down, at the now dry stain that could be mistaken for rust, before stepping into the mirror himself.
“I will avenge you Emma…” Ethan says, fists clenched, as he passes through the glass.
*page_break
Ethan emerges on the other side of the mirror, just in time to see the back of ${pcname} as
*if he = “they”
they pass through
*goto main2
*else
${he} passes through
*goto main2
*label main2
the entrance to Speculo.
“That’s the one then…” Ethan thought to himself.
Adrienne looked up, upon hearing the distinctive “plop” that signifies someone passing through a mirror. When she saw Ethan, she immediately stood in front of the mirror that connected to Speculo, arms raised.
“Someone’s a little lost isn’t he Ethan?” Adrienne says to him, in her distinct tone that almost sounds like purring.
Upon hearing the commotion, Sumira looks up from her laptop. “Oh crap…” She says in a tone that was definitely meant to be quiet.
“Get them back here now.” Adrienne thought, so that Ethan wouldn’t hear it.
“I’m on it! I’m on it!” Sumira yelled, running into the corner and holding her head.
“Get out of my way Adrienne, please. I’m just trying to find out what happened to my sister.” Ethan says to her, in a pleading tone.
Adrienne stood her ground, but she knew if Ethan charged at her, she wouldn’t be able to do much. Her power was not an offensive one. She would have to stall for time, for the others to get back. Unless…
“Fine, go through Ethan. Don’t blame me for what happens in there.” She says to him, a wide grin forming on her face.
“What are you doing?” Sumira asked her telepathically.
“Shut it Sumi, I know what I’m doing.” Adrienne thought back.
Ethan was surprised to see Adrienne letting him through. But then he realised why. The mirrors were moving. “It’s been around 30 seconds, so if my instincts are correct, and this is fake, then it’s that one…”
Ethan broke out into a sprint, and headed towards one of the inactive mirrors. Sumira realised what Adrienne had done. But their moods quickly turned shallow as they realised he had seen through Adrienne’s illusion. Ethan ran straight into the mirror, and passed through with an audible “plop”.
“That little…” Adrienne said quietly, clenching her fists.
*page_break
Mere moments after Ethan passed through the mirror, you arrive back in the terminal. You discover Adrienne with an annoyed look on her face, and Sumira sat on the floor with her head in her hands.
Riona passes through behind you, “What happened Sumi?” She asks her.
Sumira goes to speak, but Adrienne beats her to it, “Ethan showed up. He saw through my illusions and ran into Speculo” She says to you and Riona, chewing on the end of her finger, while eyeing the mirror that connects to Speculo.
Riona shoots you a worried glance as Jack passes through the mirror behind you. Sumira ends up explaining the situation 3 more times as Jack, Dillion, and Hikari all show up at different times.
“So, what’s the plan Riona?” Dillion asks her, once Sumira has finished explaining for the final time.
Riona is quiet for a moment, seemingly gathering her thoughts, before she speaks.
“If he’s gone into Speculo, then he will face the awakening. No other way of putting it. We’ll have to return for today, we can retrieve him another day.” She says.
“Another day? You want us to just leave?” Dillion yells, but Riona puts her hand up, signalling him to be quiet.
“We know from experience, that interrupting an awakening is a bad idea.” She looks over at Hikari, “Don’t we Hikari?”
Hikari gives a small nod, whilst staring at the floor, but remains silent. Nothing more to say, Dillion heads through the mirror that connects back to Mori with a grunt. Everyone makes to follow him, the Speculo trip seemingly having been ended prematurely.
You go to follow aswell, but you feel a hand on your shoulder, it’s Riona, holding you back. “I need to ask you something, in private.” She says to you.
Thanks for the initiative… But after two attempts (the first was through pm) I realised my prose just don’t fit in English. Keep going for the others and good job to everyone
I’m meant to be using this week on writing, since I have the week off, but I’ve been sick . If I’m not better tomorrow, I’m just going to suck it up. I’ve made some changes to WIP#2 that will limit the number of people who will want to play it, but I think it’ll be fun for those who do play it. It’s going to be less plot focused (though the plot will still be there) and more of a glitzy royalty slice of life + spicy romance. I’ve never written anything spicy, so I’m limiting the story to a female MC and male ROs. I hate to limit the story like this, but I don’t really know how to write all the different combinations. I just barely know how to write this combination. I think it’ll be fun, if I can do it properly. So I need to review my outline, review what I’ve written so far, and then finish the last couple of scenes