Your international notoriety? You’re going to stop showing up to exotic locales to gamble, flirt, and steal diamonds?
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Happy birthday whenever it arrives/d!
I remember back in the 90s when I first showed my work to a friend who read widely outside the fantasy genre, and he gave some unsparing feedback on the melodrama, stereotypes, and lack of character development in my work–and yes, sentence structure and punctuation. It was a gut punch.
It was also incredibly valuable. I changed my writing in response; I doubt my critic friend would say I’ve completely escaped any of those bad habits, but I’ve at least mitigated them. 
You’ve had some even harsher comments, but I hope when you pick yourself up again you’re able to adapt and keep going.
The style guidance preferring short, concise sentences, minimal adverbs, and sparing use of semicolons, dashes, and ellipses has been around for about a century. It’s a good lens to be able to apply to your work; even if like me you don’t want to sound Hemingway-esque, looking at your work in that light can help you be more selective in your adverbs, vary sentence length so it’s not all long compound sentences, etc. The ultimate effect would be to make your prose clearer and more accessible.
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I think it very much depends on the story you’re writing and what the focus is. For instance, my own story is arguably not just a slow intro, but a slow buildup in general. Arguably it’s just getting to some pretty intense parts and I’m about 550k words in. That being said, my work is far from action oriented. Pretty much the hook of mine, if you can call it that, was learning you were replacing an agent that was KIA just a week prior, and are now being thrown into your first case on your first day. But nothing action-y happens in the opening at all.
I think it’s important to give a player something to latch onto, whether it be a mystery, an action sequence, an internal dialogue, an interaction with another character, etc. I may eventually go back and rework a bit of the dialogue options before publishing (because that was over two years ago that I started this) but I don’t think I’d change the vibe of my opening.
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Like it’s been mentioned before, it really depends on the story. Usually, my story start is about the main character and reflects them with an initial problem. An introduction into who the reader is going to be following and what gets the story started (but not necessarily what is going to be the actual issue). For example, SfAL’s first chapter focused on the MC and her initial problem of being imprisoned in a dungeon while also filling in some details about her and her captors. B:C, on the other hand, starts out with a general blurb about who the MC was prior to the story before flowing into the first dream sequence and the reason for going to Brittleshade.
As a reader, I like both being dropped into the action and having the time to build it up. I’d have to say I prefer slight action with minor details of the world. Anne McCaffrey’s first book in the Dragonriders of Pern trilogy is by far one of my favorite books and it starts off with the MC as a little girl who hides away before the main story begins. It gave just enough of both to really hook me into reading a science fiction story of telepathic dragons.
Like @ViIsBae said, it’s about giving the reader something to latch onto.
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Happy birthday month!
I haven’t left any comments on your WIP thread, but I did give your story and the thread a read. Overall, yes, while I do think that a lot of the feedback was quite harsh, I also believe most of them had genuine intentions of helping you with your writing. Many people left detailed and specific advice on how you could improve certain parts of your story, after perhaps a savage but lighthearted “dunk” on your story, which remember, is still a Work In Progress.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I understand your frustrations, but I think what’s most helpful for you right now (with regards to writing) is to try to focus on the constructive feedback you’ve gotten. And by the way, you don’t have to leave the forum! This thread is incredibly helpful for new writers (like me!), maybe you can still pop in to share your progress once in a while.
Personally, for an IF to “hook” me, it’s not so much that it has to have an action/important scene, but rather that it should start with a scene that efficiently highlights for me one of these two:
- What is at stake for my MC
- What makes this world interesting, along with a unique relationship that my MC has with this world
What you call an action scene as an intro works for me because they usually highlight what is at stake for our MC –
- a fight scene intro could tell us that something close to our MC is in danger (our life, our faction in a civil war, our family, our honour…)
- an intense argument scene intro could mean that something important to our MC is in danger of being fundamentally changed (a relationship on the verge of collapse, the shifting of an empire’s main philosophical school of thought, our MC’s innocence is about to be smeared by a faulty accusation…)
- a tense, time-pressed intro, such as a chase/escape sequence or a scene where our MC needs to finish a task with limited time/resources (defuse a bomb, find missing medication, nurse a gravely injured spy with critical information back to consciousness) helps readers to root for the MC – the MC needs to be successful, or else something very bad will happen
However, if you prefer to focus on your setting and world, that is also a great hook (at least to me, lol), if at the same time you also show what unique relationship our MC has with the world.
- What interesting/unique responsibility does our MC have in this world?
- How is our MC perhaps viewed differently, either positively or negatively, by other people in this world, and why?
- Maybe this world is currently undergoing a key period of dramatic change. If so, what is our MC’s role in this era of transformation?
- The converse of the above. Maybe this world is in a period of stability (positive) or stagnancy (negative). If so, how does our MC feel about this era of constancy, and do we have any ideas on what should be changed?
- Does our MC have any strong emotions towards the setting, people, or events of this world? For example, a bitter MC wronged by this world, a grateful MC who is extremely lucky in this world and already has everything…
This doesn’t only apply to fantasy worlds. Even stories set in real life can have hooks like this that can draw readers in.
As for my own WIP, I have structured my intro as a sort of blend between these two paths. My very first page gives the reader an image of my story’s world, and sets up a unique relationship the MC has with this world – imagery to show that my story is set in a low-fantasy world inspired by the historical Silk Road, and the last line of the first page tells the reader that the MC is a royal heir on their way to live in a completely foreign empire, one that they do not even understand the language of.
The following prologue then further expands on the setting, establishing the multiculturally inspired setting of the foreign empire, while also expanding on the MC’s unique predicament in this world – a sort of imperial hostage sent to live in a flourishing, but unfamiliar land. Finally, my intro ends with an action scene in the form of a fake death 
(I swear it will make more sense once I post a WIP lol).
By the way, if my own intro structure sounds suspiciously familiar to longtime COG fans, all of this that I have just wrote, both my advice and my own example, take huge inspirations from my favourite ChoiceScript game, Tin Star!!!
Everything down to the initial “hook” by the last line of the very first page, and even the fake death 
(mine is of course way less cool or well-written)
I highly recommend you take a look at Tin Star’s intro if you want to look for an extremely successful structure for an intro to an IF.
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Now I feel bad writer my intro basically goes again all advices here in last two days. I write this because I know many people would be lurking and feel they are bad writers or stupid.
Your feelings are valid and you are no STUPID. Writing is not a science nd each story is they own universe. Follow your gut and remember advices are just advices.
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Plenty of my favorite writing goes against the “short unadorned sentences” dogma in 20c English style. Jason Elliott’s An Unexpected Light isn’t afraid to run purple, which occasionally veers into the ridiculous (notably the passage where he imagines himself flying around the country on a giant mythical bird) but is mostly glorious; it’s my favorite travel book by a mile. Stephen King’s best books erupt in delirious (usually cocaine-fuelled) passages of gibbering terror that I like better than anything I’ve found in Hemingway. China Mieville can be crazily over-the-top in his prose as well as his settings. Same for Salman Rushdie.
Horror, fantasy, magical realism, thrillers, and similar genres of writing are all trying to immerse the reader in an unusual intensity of experience. At times simple sentences can convey that better than a long cascade of descriptive words – some wonders or terrors are better hinted at in our silences, and fall flat if we try describing them directly. But sometimes you need a longer flow and more vivid language to reach the right ecstatic crescendo. There can be a brilliance to a constantly over-the-top, hard-boiled, pulpy writing style, too.
At the end of the day, don’t let the existence of critics and guidelines stop you from writing. Tell your stories. Look at how they’re received, and let that shape the next one you write.
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Here is a suggestion is there a size limit for these mascots? Maybe Ran’s is either too big so it hides either underground or high in the clouds or it is very small that it isn’t obviously noticeable for example a small spider that hides in her clothes?
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Like in any other format. I try to give a hook (=something that makes the reader interested in the story) and something that introduces the reader to what they’re getting into (you can’t trust the reader to read everything provided outside the game).
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Really sad to see you go, it was always a nice surprise seeing you in various WIP thread providing feedback with brimming enthusiasm and genuine positivity.
Now, it is a sad fact that most WIP’s on the forum never get published, but this sentence right here:
This goes a long way. Of all the WIP’s that are abandoned, most of the authors never officially cancel it, they just disappear without a trace. So it speaks volumes that you had the courage to at least say this.
But regardless, I still encourage you to rethink your decision to stop working on your WIP, and keep engaging with the forum. Every good thing takes a bumpy road. I lurked in your thread since you posted it, and I have to admit that a lot of the comments there were excessively negative and harsh, although I still believe they were trying to be constructive. But keep in mind that they would never have commented if:
- They hadn’t played your WIP
- They did not want to help your WIP improve
- And most of all, the mere fact that they want to help your WIP improve shows that they like your story and setting.
I massively regret not commenting on your thread, now that you have deleted the WIP, since it seems you might be leaving for good, I had a chance a while back to read it, and to provide feedback, but I ultimately decided against it, and for this I deeply apologise.
I would still encourage you to read other WIP’s. Now, you don’t have to leave feedback, although it is always appreciated, which you know all too well. But the best way to improve your own WIP is to read other WIP’s. The mere act of consuming the medium which you want to create, will improve your own rendition.
And finally, this thread is a godsend. I was not confident in my own writing, but after discovering this thread and how helpful it is, I cannot imagine living without it. So I encourage you to participate in this thread, especially in the monthly excerpt sharing, since that seems like it’s your main problem.
If you never return here again, farewell. But I hope to see you on the forum again.
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If someone here knows about failures it’s me. Halloween Jam has born with the deep purpose that people have a better chance of starting that the one I have.
Nobody cares about my games, I have shelved entire games bigger than most hosted games. I have participated in most contests nobody else here. I have never won a single one.
I am a disgrace, but; I am still here after more than a decade. writing every single day. Because no single problem will steal my love for writing and my stubborn goal to publish here. I will end publishing as Chesire Cat says: You always reach a place if you walk long enough.
I know that feeling of being ashamed of your skills or work and the sensation of futility to the fact nothing seems to improve. But it is not real, It is all in our heads, take comfort in your friends and keep trying.
But always stare at your heart if you really want to write. Maybe you do not really want to compromise after trying and that doesn’t make you less. Do what makes you happy
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I had imagined them as big as a real butterfly, horse, and falcon respectively, but they’re colors aren’t typical. Ran gets a purple butterfly, Themis gets a red horse, and Yuna gets a blue falcon. Maybe they’re like stuffed toys, but they’re alive.
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Maybe instead of a DND club, it’s a drama club? Then they could be successful during the “play” and the final battle would ensue
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And the play is The King in Yellow.
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A drama club is definitely a great substitute for the original idea. I look forward to reading it!
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I’m thinking of changing Ran’s surname. She was originally my MC from Noblesse Oblige (Themis was my MC from Creme de la Creme and Yuna was from Royal Affairs) and Rayner was one of the suggested names on the list. While that’s fine for a game I’m playing, I want something else since I’m reworking her. Maybe Ran Fujiwara?
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I would suggest Reina Naruse, based on “Rayner”.
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I’m a big fan of the writing style of short, declarative sentences when it’s used as a deliberate counterattack against the proliferation of overly purple pretentious prose intended to gatekeep people out of participating in the cultural discussion of literature and to make reading more digestible for the masses without sacrificing depth. On the other hand, I’m not a fan of short, declarative sentences when that’s all the writer is capable of doing.
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I favor each writer developing the style that fits the story they are telling, which is why it is important, in my eyes, that multiple people weigh in on questions such as structuring intros.
Part of the problem is that writing often is a copy-cat art form, and much of the conventional wisdom will do more harm than it helps in developing an individual’s style.
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I am having to change completely my style to write in English. It is peculiar because what now I know that I should do, is something that sounds atrocious to me.
But readers heritage and overall English it is as literal as it gets so I have to adapt to more direct short paragraphs with fewer metaphors.
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