How do you deal with someone who doesn't approve of you writing?

tips
#1

I’m not sure how to kind of cope with the anxiety and headaches it gives me honestly. I’ve loved writing since I was young and started writing stories since I was 11 but stopped after graduating high school since my life became a whirlwind at that time, moving six times in two years. Although I did briefly pick it back up again between jobs for like 3 months before stopping again because I moved yet again.

Then I picked up writing again a year ago in August and had gotten pretty far in writing a demo up that I wanted to post on here, not Blades of Damascus, but then after having a seizure and someone close to me making fun of me about writing “erotic fanfiction” again (it wasn’t erotic it was Shakarian fluff) I ended up scrapping the story a month in writing.

Now that I’ve started writing Blades, the same thing is kind of happening again and I’m finding that my usual techniques of dealing with my anxiety isn’t helping anymore and they’re upset with me for always writing which has affected me in trying to write and get updates out on the days I planned to update.
It’s really odd because usually, this person has always been supportive of me especially when I had to stop working due to my health.

I feel like this kind of sounds like an abusive relationship :grimacing: but this is literally the only thing and it’s kind of annoying at this point. Various others have supported me in wanting to write as well since they see how much I love it and they realize it helps me with my anxiety and I’ve realized personally writing helps me cope with the memory loss I’ve suffered from the seizures.

I just didn’t know if anyone else has ever had to deal with this or how to keep dealing with this, since I’ve seen how amazingly supportive this community is and it’s great. Sorry for the rambling as I originally wrote this mid panic attack as well :expressionless:

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#2

If this person is openly mocking you for doing what you love then they don’t deserve you. It’s one thing to not agree with it (heavens knows why they wouldn’t agree with your writing) but making you feel bad about your work by hammering it in is abusive.

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#3

I have deal with a similar situation when I was in the college . It started with not liking myself writing and playing table rpgs. Then trying change my clothing and calling me mean stuff if don’t dress like him liked.

That person if is abusive and toxic with something you love and is good for your soul that person doesn’t love you. That person want control you and use you.
If you explain that person what literature means for you and how their behaviour affects you and still doing it. That person is not your friend.

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#4

This person sound jealouse maybe ? envious ? a troll ?

Honestly , writing already is a hard skill and can be liberating when you find the time to use it . Either writing as a pro , or for fun , or in therapeutic way .

if writing is what you want , really want from deep inside your heart want ! Then by all mean , focus on that . As for this person ? keep them at bay , ditch their ass .

I for one , I wouldn’t tolerate someone berating my work . Even if its made in a Fun fun gesture , it get old and start hurting over time . I mean , if you are already fighting and trying to heal yourself…all this person is doing…is harmful .

Its hard enough , we dont like our own writing . we doubt if its any good , we are always open to learning , advices and its exausting . You don’t need someone like that to add to the heavy load .

its weird…if they always supported you . You can try to get at the bottom of it . Just remember : Never give up what make you happy ! FOR ANYONE! Ever!

True love , friendship…whatever…should never ask that kind of sacrifice of you . Ever .

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#5

Many of us - including myself - doubt ourselves and our writing. Just five minutes ago, I shared a bit of writing I just did with another and upon re-reading what I wrote, I started critiquing myself.

So, the person who disapproves of my writing, often is myself.

I deal with myself by ignoring me! :slight_smile:

No, seriously - I just remind myself that many writers have these feelings or deal with such negativity from others and then resolve to ignore the self-destructive thoughts or the negative feedback received.

There is good, actionable feedback and then there is non-actionable, ignorable feedback - someone expressing negative feedback focused on you writing is an example of the latter.

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#6

Perhaps it would be a good thing, if you just do not show this person what you are writing? Show it to others who give more helpful and nicer critics.
Also it might be good, if could ask the critical person, why he/she reacts that way. If they have special points in your text that makes them react that way, so you might easily see, if they really thing their critic is justified or just make things up to make you feel bad. The last point is very difficult, I know. If you feel like doing it, it may help you, if you can at the moment not do that, this is also understandable. Sometimes it is just too difficult to address a person that makes you feel smaller than you are, I can relate to this.

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#7

Well, they’re not openly mocking me this time I think they learned from last time because it did cause tensions in our relationship which did end in a break from November to early January (it made the holidays awkward. :roll_eyes:)

This time it’s more like low-key guilt tripping me because I now spend more time writing than much of anything else. Which granted, when I start something that I’m really excited about I will get absorbed into it for anywhere from days to weeks or once months and lose focus on everything else. Which is the reason I try to lay off the mmo’s because say goodbye to even trying to talk to me when I play ESO :grimacing: or DCU online. Or any of my favorite games if I really think about it :sweat_smile:

@poison_mara I’m sorry to hear that you went through something like this as well, I haven’t really explained to them yet why I enjoy writing so much I’ve been putting it off because I am a master at like just burying everything inside to avoid conflict, which I know isn’t healthy but it’s how I survived high school so ehh.

@E_RedMark maybe envious or jealous I’m not spending all my time trying to get attention now it’s the opposite :joy_cat:, or it’s just his stubborn way of worrying about me I know sometimes when I get absorbed in something I forget to eat regularly or sleep… especially when I keep having seizures and the doctors can’t figure out why since I’m not epileptic.

@Eiwynn exactly! I already have so much self-doubt on how people really like the demo I have up or if I’m really capturing my character’s the best way.

Omg :smile_cat: but that is good advice, even though the forums are so supportive I should remember that there will still be negativity from others.

@Kaelyn They haven’t seen what I’ve written at all honestly they didn’t even know the plot from my scrapped story although when I did tell them that I decided to write again I did tell them the plot. I’m pretty sure if I remember correctly the only reason they give me crap about the fanfic thing is they just have a low opinion of fanfic writers in general? Honestly, the only people who I have received actual critiques from are from the thread for my WIP which even there, there isn’t a lot of them but they have been helpful.

I relate to this so much too, my mother is half Korean and was very much the definition of an overbearing tiger mom she finally toned it down when I turned 18 and moved out but it’s still so hard to even try to have a simple conversation with her even through text without wanting to flinch :grimacing:

At first, when I told them I was writing again they were supportive since it was something for me to do then the last part of April was when they sort of became a butt about it, now that I have fully managed to come down from my panic attack I do know they’ve been under a lot of stress from work since one of their managers was fired recently and now she’s like going around attacking coworkers when they’re out doing deliveries :grimacing: as well as a lot of other scary stuff.

Oof sorry for super long posts I end up doing that a lot. Although I do feel a lot better about all of this now that I’ve read through y’all’s posts :slightly_smiling_face:

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#8

I am a lot of critical with myself like @Eiwynn she gave you a great advice. And about your partner you have to explain xhim what is your feelings about writing and about everything don’t be afraid of being sincere. If the other loves you it will respect you and helping you feel better.

Relationship should be based in sincerity respect and love. So if you tell your feelings you will feel better.

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#9

Writers have to write for themselves first and foremost. If you like what you’ve got on paper, just ignore the noise.

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#10

It sounds like this might be someone you can’t easily cut out of your life, so advice to ignore them or stop talking to them might not be super helpful. Sometimes we find ourselves in situations where we depend on people who we would rather not depend on, even if they’re not bad people per se – like a family member or partner, or even a roommate. If distancing yourself from this person would cause friction in other parts of your life, then regretfully that might not be the solution.

Captain Awkward is a great blog that has some good suggestions for how to deal with negativity coming from people in your close social circle. She gets a lot of letters from people with creative jobs or hobbies, so she also deals directly with writing sometimes. I’ve found some of her social scripts and affirmations invaluable and can’t recommend her work enough.

I hope this helps a little, and I hope I’m not overstepping.

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#11

This is your second red flag right here. The first is when they mocked your writing the first time. @poison_mara is right. This behavior is going to get worse.

I guess you have to ask yourself if writing is what you want to do because this person, if you allow it, sounds like they will put a stop to it. If writing is to you what it is to a lot of us here, it’s part of who you are, and there is no changing that. You should definitely explain it to that person.

Please don’t make excuses for their bad behavior. Bad things happen all the time in life. It’s just a way for you to avoid having to deal with things, and I’d hate for anyone to have to suffer like you are right now.

Great advice! And good luck, @StarFoxed!

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#12

Short Answer: Quit caring about their approval, keep writing.

Long Answer: I’d sit down with them and have a calm discussion, explaining that my writing is very important to me, a hobby I find soothing and enjoyable, and their negative attitude is causing a lot of stress. I would invite them to air any genuine reasons for disliking it, such as getting to spend less time together, and see if we could figure out a solution we were both happy with. And if that wasn’t enough to resolve the problem, then I’d say it’s indicative of bigger problems in the relationship.

At the end of the day, you are allowed to spend your free time however you wish, without petty judgements from the people you’re closest to. If it becomes seriously self-destructive to the point you’re not eating or sleeping, then yes, that would be cause for concern. And if you were completely ignoring them to focus on writing 24/7, then that wouldn’t be okay. But otherwise? Nobody has a right to get upset at you for having a hobby. Even if you were writing ‘erotic fanfiction’, even if you were writing the trashiest, silliest porn anyone’s ever imagined, if it’s not hurting anyone then who cares?

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#13

Yikes.

I agree with the others that have advised communicating with them about why writing is so important to you. Communication is the most important aspect of a relationship, and if this person doesn’t understand that their actions have been making you feel bad due to ignorance of how important writing is to you, then that needs to be remedied. By talking to them, you can try to lay out your feelings and motives for writing.

Be sure to listen to why they don’t like it when you write to better understand their thought process. Their reasons could be well-meaning in that they feel they don’t get to interact with you often enough or that they think writing has negative impacts on your health or moods. They could also be selfish in that they don’t approve of your hobbies or simply don’t care as long as they get to be the center of your attention. Without having this discussion with them, it might be difficult to ascertain their intentions.

Remember, all of us folks online don’t have enough info to tell you what the right course of action is. The best advice we can give to you is the kind of advice that allows you to better understand the situation and come to your own decision about how to proceed.

You mentioned having feelings of anxiety. I personally rarely feel anxiety, but I have family and friends that do often. It can be tough knowing what you want to do but being unable to bring yourself to do it because of your anxiety. The best advice I can offer in that regard is to do your best. I sincerely hope that whatever happens, it will result in the most good for you.

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#14

@Hazel it would definitely cause a lot of friction in my life right now sadly, and don’t worry about overstepping this was why I decided to ask others about this and thank you for sharing that blog! I’ve been scrolling through it and I plan on going through it more in my down time

@spunkycatninja your right I shouldn’t try to excuse them

An update because I started writing this post 30 minutes ago but had to stop briefly:
We’ve been talking, albeit not face to face since they were leaving when I woke up and that I currently sound like the Grey Griffin Asajj Ventress :expressionless:, and they have admitted that they’re not upset with the fact that I write it’s the fact that I do spend a lot of time doing it that I forget to kind of do anything else. They also understand I am sick right now and I have been for a few days now, its that they were getting frustrated because right before I got sick I did kind of start falling into old habits of getting too absorbed into what I was doing and they were getting even more stressed worrying about that on top of everything else on their plate.

They understand that I do love writing and noticed that I love it as much as I love video games. It is that they were venting somewhat since it felt like we haven’t been equals lately and apologized about their comments about my writing not realizing that it was making me that upset and promised me that we would talk more about it when they got home when we could actually be in person. So literally thank you, everyone, who has been so supportive. Although it did make me realize that we’re both the type who keep everything bottled up until it spills over :upside_down_face: Since I haven’t even made that connection in the 5 years we’ve been together :expressionless:

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#15

Hi StarFoxed :slight_smile: I’ve gone through people not respecting my work, and I’ve also got generalized anxiety disorder (with spurts of panic disorder in the past).

The first thing I want to say is that if you’re finding your old coping techniques aren’t helping anymore, it’s important that you reach out to someone who can help out. I’ve found myself in that position many times and I can say for certain that trying to figure it out by myself was never fruitful. And, of course, if something in your life is causing your anxiety to worsen to this degree, the only real choices are to confront it or go around it. I actually don’t have an opinion on which you should do since I don’t know the situation.

But, if you haven’t told this person how they are affecting you yet, I would suggest doing that. I know that’s much easier to suggest than it is to do. A lot of times, people close to us can actually cause a lot of harm without realizing it because we tend to give them more leniency. It’s totally okay, though, to let someone know that what they’re doing is stressing you out.

Writing seems really important to you, for your coping and for your happiness - how important are the people getting in the way? If they’re worth it to you, then you should be worth it to them.

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#16

Talking and sincerity is the key to a sane relationship and to your own happiness and theirs.

If the other loves you it will always trying to understand your hobby and all that But remember talking about your frustration and all that and why you love them. And always have a moment for your love one. Even if is just make their favourite coffee or tea or rake time to watch a movie or tv they adores.

I am not romantic type and hate flowers and all that But I believe in the power of doing selfless acts of love everyday. Washing the dishes even if is their day because they is depressed or preparing a hot cocoa before sleeping to make the other feel great. And Lots of unfiltered sincerity… in my case… I am terribly lying and pretending… lol

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#17

those can be considered romantic…y’know…so ya are terribly honest and romantic at the same time . I’m afraid…this is a terrible thing for ya and you are stuck with hahaha :face_with_hand_over_mouth:

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#18

the way ive always seen things is
If a person is openly insulting me and/or the things i’ve done in my eyes they are no longer human barely even animal and i treat them as such.

If a person is trying to guilt me, i point it out and warn them if they keep it up we will never see or talk to each other again (i have cousins i stopped talking to due to this). My advice to those who cant confront them about it, then dont write your feeling down hand it to them and walk away before they respond don’t start any conversation with them if they come up to you tell them “i am not comfortable around you anymore please leave.” i had the same issues in when i was in later middle school and 9th grade i had to practice with people i was comfortable with before confronting the person by 10th i was reclusive still but no longer unable to confront for the most part. cant say a lot for people with anxiety but a friend taught me about the letter thing helping him deal.
Edit: of course if they say they are trying to apologies and want to change how they act try to hear them out second chances are good third chances maybe fourth chances no.

#19

Romanticism is doing lame things like put candles and put snoring romnce movies i hate and end crying by allergies because your date bought horrible flowers that give you allergies He knew I was allergic but bought anyway because it was the romantic choice.

So nope I am caring and protective… romantic nope… as if i have to see another romantic movie or another stupid flower or chocolate … because they are fake. they re giving like some sort of obligation.

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#20

Mocking is good in a way tbh. It’s a sort of negative motivation. I’d suggest that you use that negativity and fuel your passion for writing. Since this person is someone close to you, I think you’d have to give him a piece of your mind and let him know the kind of chaos he’s causing for you. And if the abuse still persists, then it’s time for you to realise that this person is just there to pull you down when you can soar across the skies. Also, good luck on your WIP story.

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