Getting engaged was something we discussed together; I brought up to my then-partner that marriage would mean tax breaks and a documented track record of stability when we wanted to adopt. I then left it up to him when to do it: the actual proposal was one day while we were playing a video game, and he paused it and said, “Okay, let’s get married.” Then we went ring shopping together.
I liked having an excuse to buy a piece of actual jewelry (real gems are beautiful, they sparkle differently, they have character.) But the blood diamond issue was very much on my mind. So, the ring we got was custom-made, and the main stone was a cultured pearl. The setting had diamonds and sapphires, but they were chips that could be gotten from carving other stones. That ring has since been lost or stolen, and I think my fancy jewelry days may be gone with it, but I loved it while I had it. It was like a prize for having achieved a stable long-term relationship (which, to be fair, I never thought I’d manage.)
Our wedding rings cost about $20 apiece (white gold, I’m allergic to silver and neither of us looks good in yellow metals.) He’s lost his by now - he hates wearing jewelry. I keep mine in a box, because I lost a lot of weight since the wedding, and after resizing it twice it still keeps falling off. I liked having them, and we might get a new pair of matching ones if I can talk him into it. But they’re just a symbol, so they don’t need to be expensive. A symbol of what, I’m not exactly sure, but I’m oddly traditional in some ways.
One can talk about the ethical issues with the diamond industry without bringing in that “Some people like feeling like they’re belonging.” Whether or not I feel like belonging doesn’t mean anything to whether or not the diamond industry is unethical.
So I’m afraid that the context does not help.
I’m not trying to make an argument over a single post, but it doesn’t look more polite to criticize people who want to belong in the context of criticizing the diamond industry.
@Shoelip@Elfwine I think you two have a fundamental misunderstanding here. I don’t know if I can fix it, but I’m going to take a stab at it. Maybe it’ll work.
Elfwine, Shoelip does have problems with context, connotation, and other unspoken rules that keep people from offending each other. While another person could apologize and move on, in his case, he simply doesn’t understand what could be rude about saying (in his mind) something factual about history and the diamond trade. The things that people read into his words are either a mystery to him, or he has trouble comprehending how they could be upsetting.
Shoelip, there’s more than one thing being talked about here. One is the diamond trade, which has historically been brutal and manipulative. A second is the concept of romance, which has been shaped by culture, the media, and other things like the history of chivalry; it is not something that just comes naturally to humans. A third is the feeling of love for a partner, which unfortunately there isn’t a better word than love (in English) to distinguish from loving your kids or your close friends or even your favorite food. A fourth is how you express yourself in important things like love, whether you embrace tradition or move away from it, and whether you feel judged for how it is expressed.
When you are talking about one of these things, other people find it unclear and believe you are talking about all/several of them. Or, they feel you are being unfair in regards to love and its expression, because of your natural distaste for #1 and preference against #2.
Honestly, the wording was vague enough that I wasn’t sure what you meant, and so I skipped over it. I sympathize with your overall argument however. Nevertheless I can see how someone coming from a different perspective might have read it as an attack aimed at them.
I want to speak to this part, because I think it’s important. There is a portion of truth to this, in that marrying my partner would benefit her by giving her access to my superior health insurance, it would give both of us tax benefits, it would provide both of us a small measure of shelter from over-assertive men who just assume we’re straight and willing because we present as femme, it would make adopting significantly easier if we should choose to go that way somewhere down the line. The main reason I want to marry her, though–and it’s the one that I think is getting lost here–is because she’s my favorite person in the world. I want to make a public commitment to her. I want that symbolism, that gesture, that celebration. I want the world to know that I have fully committed to the best person I know. Most of all, I want her to know it. Neither of us needs a huge wedding, a $2000 dress or expensive rings (which is fortunate, since we’re barely middle-class and have no money in our families), but we both want to walk through life with one another. We want to be a family. I want to take her name.
Is a ceremony mandatory for any of that? No. But same-sex partners were having commitment ceremonies long before it was legal for us to marry one another (and still are in countries that haven’t legalized same-sex marriages). Like them, I would still want to marry my partner even if we received none of the material and societal benefits for doing so. It’s not because she fills an empty part of me, it’s not because we’re emotionally needy, it’s because we love each other, we’re better together than we are apart, and we want to make a public declaration of intent to one another; we want to willingly tie our lives together. Symbols have power. Public declarations have power. Marriage ceremonies, legal or not, have both.
You had me in complete agreement until the last 3 sentences, and for those my agreement is only partial. I’ve seen too many marriages end badly, gay and straight both, to place much faith in the power of those symbols and ceremonies. As a result I place my faith in the strength of the commitment of the people involved, not symbols. That said, I still support your right to those symbols. Best wishes on a happy life together.
Oh, I’m in complete agreement that the symbols don’t guarantee success. They are in no way a replacement for effort, compromise and communication. But, at least for us, they matter. They exist in addition to, rather than in place of. And thanks for your well-wishes!
I gave up impotently worrying about sparing people’s feelings when it became clear that no matter how careful and explicit I was the mere fact that I was saying something they didn’t already agree with meant that they would find a way to feel attacked by it. There’s nothing I can do or say to change that. I’ve tried for years, and I’m just tired now. All worrying about it does it make me feel bad too.
Modern discourse is dominated by whoever is willing to be the least reasonable.
My goodness, engagement rings (especially diamond ones) In my experience everything that had to do with diamonds will forever be associated with unagreeable individuals, The whole hype over this stone really never fails to make me shake my head, we could have been using these to idk make stronger roads that dont develop potholes every few weeks… I completely acknowledge people who seem to have some connection to diamond rings but my goodness the individuals in my society at least is absolutely…unagreeable sad to say most of my encounters consists of these individuals showing off their rocks to arouse envy within peers, and the whole game of outdoing eachother often gets out of control. It would be a breath of fresh air to see the other spectrum of this topic where they actually hold more sentiment then bragging rights but sadly all ive ever gotten from meeting people with diamonds is always a not so subtle look of pity to those who dont have it (being a large hard useless rock that would have more use in buildings then on an appendage)
Note: again i completely acknowledge if some people find them tradition or sentimental, and would certainly be relieved to know there really are people out there who arent all about bragging rights.
Nah, diamonds are too small and brittle to be used in buildings. They do make a nice addition to other industrial applications like drill-bits (the type used to drill for oil or natural gas) and parts of tunnel boring machines though
Don’t see why a engagement ring is such a big thing. When I proposal I gave her a simple stainless steel ring and promise to get her a diamond later. But yeah diamonds to me are sort of a waste of money sometimes unless its for a really special event. She wasn’t exactly happy that I weren’t cough up the money for a gold or silver ring at the time but she took it and sadly my own personal ring
