He was already bullied so why bully sloppy seconds
3 Likes
I hope you had fun 
They still didn’t touch his arm yet you know 
1 Like
Well i had fun or not depending on the path i an choosing, on the callous path i did have fun.
Regardless i am glad there are options to fully commit to being evil.
This what what a choices of game is supposed to be, wide variety of choices both story and personality wise and them actually meaning something instead of the author forcing their thoughts in your head regardless of the option you pick.
1 Like
Sorry. My MC doesn’t bully the weak. He defends and supports their growth. 
Plus if you want to be strong, you got to bully the strong. More exp. 
12 Likes
Where does the patreon update end
last week it ended just prior to the final fight of a tournament at one of your friends place
2 Likes
i would like to recommend adding “Age” to peoples codex enteries
I’m glad you enjoyed your play.
You sounds like robin hood 
Last week’s update ended with the end of the competition.
Originally I was planning on adding it after the time skip, but now since you want it, I will add it in the next week’s update.
4 Likes
The patreon version of the game has been updated with 13K Words of new content for this week, making the patreon version now 185K words long.
The public version has also been updated with more spelling correction.
8 Likes
The story has potential and ill be keeping an eye on it but it would greatly benefit from having an editor(or if you already have one, maybe a different one) to make the story less of a clunky read. Right now even if i were to ignore the spelling and grammar issues, the overall sentence structure and prose read awkwardly. That’s the area i think an editor would benefit you the most in.
Again i truly believe the story has potential and i am in no way trying to discourage you from continuing this project. I do want this story to succeed and that’s why i think its important to be honest about its current state(WIP as it may be).
Anyway i look forward to seeing how this story unfolds.
3 Likes
Currently I’m focusing on writing new content. Ater the next time skip in the story, I will take few weeks off from writing new content and will focus on improving the old scenes.
5 Likes
I like the pace at which you are going, for the first time in a long time if seems a wip i like will actually be completed in the near future, i am genuinely looking forward to buying the final product. 
I really really disagree with you. This type of “prose”/ telling make the story original. Each project on choice of games have the same type of telling a story. Describe each corner of the story but not the main elements that make the story going.
Right now at 185k, this story have more events than any other project on this plateform. Yes it have errors and spelling and grammar issue. It can be correct as the story goes this is a Work in progress after all.
Hope to read that those issue get corrected after the end of the story, but that my preference. And plz author don’t take an editor that will change the way the story is tell (making the story describe every corner and aspect of the story eurk !!).
The story is going and people are chop right and left. It remind me the walking dead and kirkman. The comics not every other crap that follow the succes of that series of story.
People in that story die a lot not 'cause they were sloppy but because of human nature and vices, when normality get chip people tend to loose their mind. Every character wasn’t safe and could get chop any time. At one time the kid of the protagonist get shot in the eye (that event change this kid forever and growing up around zombie messup his mind forever, and yeah this kid survive).
In those comic Kirkman, the author didn’t care to insert those apological and political decorum. He told a story that describe well what happen when corpses don’t die and what happen for those that live around them. Just read that the series stop in 2019 (coincidence i think not ! 
)
All this to say the story is great, things move at the pace of imagination. Don’t change, thanks.
till next.
7 Likes
Cool
1 Like
I ask because for some reason i still see the MC as like a 10 yr old doing all this crazy stuff and having these older people around him
2 Likes
I myself keep forgetting that we are supposed to only be 10. I keep mentally seeing my character as same age as Ruolan. Lol
Considering the amount of content I have in my mind, I have write with this pace or the chances are I will ascend before the story gets finish.
This is the reason why I’m hiring any editor even when people are willing to do it for free.
I want to write the story in my own way, in my own words.
Our mc has lived the entire life with no one around mc’s age to communicate and play with. Since Ruolan also had to start her secluded cultivation so mc had to spend most of the time with Ji Zang and in the wildnerness, this is the reason why mc sometimes act as an older than the mc’s actual age.
3 Likes
My mc is a near omniscient badass… that likes to tease her big sister and help people in trouble.
3 Likes
I am not going to lie, I couldn’t read the entire thing. I stopped reading when Ruolan comes to ask for our help on her mission. In all honesty, I was powering through the story the entire time.
The story structure is pretty bad. A good story structure will generally have this chain of events - X thing happened so the Y thing happens and/or X thing happens that stops heroes from achieving Y goal. Cause and effect is what ties the story together and engages the reader. As it is now I struggle to call this a single continuous story and it follows this chain of events instead -X thing happens then Y thing happens. Bad story structure is a pretty big problem of this story.
The Mary Sue problem. The protagonist is a pretty blatant Mary Sue. MC doesn’t have flaws that are punished in the story, the story bends around the MC, and the story is mostly about how AWESOME the MC is. Now, it’s pretty debatable which characters can be called Mary Sue and why but I believe that a major Mary Sue flag is when the story is mostly about how amazing the Mary Sue in the story is, which makes the story boring and unengaging.
Fights are unimaginative. Now, this wouldn’t be a problem if the story was not mostly about fighting but I felt like I’ve read 6 or 7 fights from this story so far and it is fair to say that the only piece of media that has more fights in it are shonnen anime. But the quantity is not really impressive. What would have been impressive if the fights had also been of good quality. The fights lack proper set-up, there’s also a disturbing lack of any drama. There’s no push and pull. All of the fights are just MC bullying another character.
Lack of a central theme. What does story revolve around, except for the sheer amazingness of our dear main hero? Is this a story about competition? Is this a story about political intrigue? Is this a story about how ruthless and unfair the world of Xianxia can be? Is this a story of two siblings trying to survive? The problem that I believe this story suffers from is that it wants to talk about everything and ends up being about nothing.
Dry dialogue and lack of character. The problem is very simple and complex at the same time. The dialogue is used poorly, but how so? One problem is that every character sounds like each other. Whenever the two characters speak, they use the same words, the same sentences, the same cadence. Speech should be varied, imaginative, full of life!
Dry prose. Same problem as the dialogue. The narrator is monotonous and doesn’t inspire imagination from the reader.
Setting needs to describe its surroundings. Cities, buildings, people, forest etc. How people clothe, what they eat, how they smell. What character the city has. is it a small hamlet in the woods? A bastion in the mountains? A city of no consequence in the middle of the dessert? What architecture its buildings has? How are the people like? What are they thinking? What problems they have? Is it humid? Cold? Are they under the threat of starvation? Is there a class problem? It is mindboggling how many places we have visited and yet all of them muddle together in indistinguishable, gray mass.
These are the problems that I have been able to identify. I hope these are helpful. In all honesty, I’m not sure if you even like writing. Usually people who enjoy writing play with sentences, grammar, characterisation, setting, plot, expectations, metaphors etc. However, I read something that was so lack of joy. Of this creative boom. It is as if you are rushing for this story to end like a student who haphazardly finishes homework to play a new videogame.
3 Likes
first the story structure is fine if you weren’t as you said “powering through” you would have already learned that everything going on at the academy/sect is a set up for the future where we are back at the capital having to deal with the internal politics common to the genre, and you already knew this was going to be an OPMC story so why are you complaining about it being an OPMC story? again this is cultivation, when you start talking about the highest realms a casual training bout can affect the entire world because they are gods by that point
6 Likes