Beneith The Surface: The Hidden Truths WIP

Hosted Games Works In Progress
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Hi.

After a long and frustrating year, I can finally say that I have finished my first game which I hope to be published under the Hosted Games label. It’s such a beautiful feeling knowing your first draft is complete. :relieved: :wink:

About the game

Beneith The Surface: The Hidden Truths Is the first game in what I plan to be a trilogy.

You play the character of a bereaving grandchild who’s grandad has died. Life has not been the same for you since, and you constantly have nightmares. The majority of this game is based in a nightmare, but as you navigate the maze of problems, you begin to unravel the truth.

Can you successfully navigate this nightmare unscathed and stop yourself from reliving the same nightmare every time you fall asleep?
•Face a dangerous race
•Battle with enemies
•Learn the truth about your grandad’s death and why you keep experiencing the same nightmare.
•Fight against deception, the hidden truth, and a governments conspiracy
•And even make an alliance with the leader of the race you face in battle

Now as this is my first draft, there are bound to be plenty of mistakes and so any form of comments (whether it be corrections, bug reports, continuity errors et cetera) will be greatfully accepted. Admittedly my writing style isn’t perfect so feedback on that too would be helpful.

As I’ve mentioned above, The Hidden Truths is the first game in a trilogy. I already have rough outlines of the following two games but I can’t say when they’ll be finished (especially as I’ve got some important exams over the next year but I’ll definetly finish them).

Well… Less of the chitchat. I guess you want to play the game.
https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/s/jcmb1fv097701g6/Beneith%20the%20Surface_%20The%20Hidden%20Truths%20Sample.html?dl=0

Note: This is only the first four chapters. Also, if you enjoyed playing Beneith The Surface: The Hidden Truths and you would like to be a beta tester for the full game either private message me or say so below.

I hope you enjoy playing the game just as much as I enjoyed making it.

~Addicted

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Just a question. Is Beneith meant to be spelled that way?

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I was wondering how long it’d take before someone pointed that out. But yes, it is meant to be spelled like that and you find out why during the course of the game :smile:

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I’ve just played the prologue so far, and here are some mistakes I noticed:

a professional athlete.
A banker.
An author.
One of the letters is lower case, while the rest are upper case.

Many family members and friends constantly hassle you about giving up your “childish dream” and that you should find yourself an actual job
Finding would be better.

You have countless memories of you sitting on your porch
The second you is unnecessary.

Even now, you can’t begin working on your current project.
The meaning of this sentence is unclear, but I presume you meant: “Even now, you can’t wait to begin working on your current project.”

a blast of the winters wind leaps in to your face
The and to are unnecessary.

Your feet crush on the gravel
On is unnecessary.

all three letters have your name written upon them which is…
This is strangely formulated. Perhaps ,that being would be better.

There seems to be a mistake. My sirname is…
Should be surname.

and that is exactly what you do.
That is exactly what you do. (separate sentence)

with a towel which you pluck off the radiator.
Plucked would be better.

Stepping towards the sink you make sure you brush your teeth before stepping through the bathroom door
Maybe make this exiting, as not to repeat stepping twice.

A simple wardrobe sits in another corner of the room while a small mirror dangles from another wall.
The first one could be one, and the second one a, due to the fact that corner and wall don’t have the same meaning, therefor making another unnecessary.

A shelf of the books you have published can also be seen which makes you smile every time you see them.
Perhaps is also proudly displayed, making?

When you lie here, staring at the ceiling, trying to go to bed.
Lying and sleep, maybe?

I like the game, and the concept is really interesting.

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Thanks. I will encorprat those changes later.

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Don’t you mean surname instead of sirname, @addicted ?

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I think you mean incorporate

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Side note: It’s not Miss. it’s usually Ms. you say “Their coming” when it should say they’re coming. If crime is supposedly a myth in the area that I live then sheep stealing should also not exist, maybe you ought to specify murder is a myth, or most crime is considered a myth. However if sheep go missing because someone left the door open, that’s not exactly a crime, but if people suspect that they’ve been stolen then it’s clear that not all forms of crime are that mythical to this city. The biggest issue I’m having so far is that you repeatedly say how the character feels about things.

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“Let me explain. So, very quickly, my name is Penelope and although I appear to be a prison officer, I assure you I’m not. I’m not even from this dimension.”

The I should be capital.

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[quote=“Pink_Print, post:6, topic:18425”]
Don’t you mean surname instead of sirname,[/quote]
Yes I do. I have already changed that on my version of the game.

@war_doctor thanks for your input. I will update the files later on.

You’re right. Thanks.

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Uh. No? Reread that with your suggested change. Finding does not go there, the original sentence is fine.

Well, could replace crush with crunch and then the on is fine. Would sound better too.

Without more context I couldn’t tell you. Expand and we’ll see if its a good suggestion or not.

Again, more context needed.

I’d swap off with from rather than change pluck to plucked.

Leaving would be better than exiting.

Unnecessary change.

Miss is a valid title for an unmarried woman. “Ms” is a personal choice and usually has a pretentious connotation to it.

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Some of these are personal preferences, so they should be taken with a grain of salt. :slight_smile:
However, the last one you mention (A shelf of the books you have published can also be seen which makes you smile every time you see them.) uses the verb to see twice in a way that I believe is generally avoided.

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See and seen are different words :slight_smile: Repetition isn’t always bad either.

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It sounds odd to me, but I don’t really know a lot about it. I guess the whole “use a wide vocabulary” thing has been drilled into me.:sweat_smile:

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Here’s my two cents:

  • There are a lot of spelling mistakes, but I’m not too bothered by them as they don’t impact my understanding of the story, and there are other people on this website who do a better job than me of pointing them all out anyway.

  • The MC’s obsession over their dead grandparent came off as slightly creepy to me, due to how the MC is showing affection despite us only having heard about them in the same scene.

  • The first scene in Chapter 1 is pretty surreal, which is slightly jarring considering how we were just mourning our grandparent, as well as the conversations that follow. I actually thought the people talking were ghosts for a moment.

  • I think what’s holding this WIP back for me right now is the pacing. It seems like one moment we’re just going about our everyday lives, and then all of a sudden we’re running for our lives on a cruiseship from shadow monsters of some sort, and we learn about how we’re some sort of “prophecy”..

  • I think this WIP would really benefit from having a bit more exposition, tiring as it may be. It could help us as the reader understand why our MC feels so attached to our grandparent without the admittedly vague descriptions provided to us, and why we’re going through all of this.

If you’re looking for beta testers, I’d be happy to sign up. It’s very much a rough draft in every sense of the word, but there is potential here for a thriller.

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@RagEgnite I understand your point about the MC’s obsession with their grandad but someone who is bereaving displays irrational emotions. However, I’m going to lengthen the prologue to explain how the grand parent was their primary carer through out their life which will help to put the feelings of the MC into perspective.

Again, I agree to a certain extent that the game progresses from the prologue to chapter1 very quickly, but that is as a result of the nightmare that the MC finds them self in.

And thanks for your offer to become a beta tester. I gratefully except it.

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If anyone is interested, I still really need some beta testers. This game can’t get any better without your feedback :sweat_smile:

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Do you still need Beta Testers?

How will I send my reports to you, via your email or on the forum?

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Yes I’m still looking for beta testers. I’d be happy to have you on board if you’re still interested.
Either email or on the forum is fine by me. Which ever option suits you best.

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im always free to beta test, but you may have enough already. and besides im doing my one story at the moment sooo…