Could the save system be added? Im trying to specifically go with Black Queen route, but resetting and going through all that text over and over again is kinda… Annoying, for a lack of a better word. Also If you dont plan it to use save system in full game, could it at least be used while the game is still WIP?
Thanks, in advance Bro/Sis/Someotherbeing!
7 Likes
I agree full-heartedly. I’ve come to hold the Black Queen dear to my heart, particularly since I want to symbolically romance the White King. A save system would…
…save me.
7 Likes
@Lycoris i quite like what your writing. the only problem i see about your wips is the tedious way with putting barely one line then next, then one more line then next… is quite frustating.
I really like the game so far, especially the intrigue!
I found some small typos,
should be their:
The lights return and everyone covers they eyes at the sudden brightness
Should be thousands:
thousand of glass shards around him
I think this needs do you
Not only _ you have to go to work
I also think the sentence would read better like this:
“Not only do you have to go to work; you also have to deal with Novak, your boss. Today is. . .”
This one changes verb tense and ends up being a run-on sentence:
You check the pocket envelope; it wasn’t a regular commercial one, the paper looks old but sturdy, and even with your little knowledge regarding stationery, it looks like the expensive kind.
I think it could be two smaller sentences, like this:
You check the pocket envelope: it isn’t a regular commercial one. The paper looks old but sturdy; your small knowledge regarding stationery says that this is the expensive kind.
This should be looks
The black ink still looked fresh
This should be losing and “Where was I?”
Aliah, not loosing her grin, "Where I was?
2 Likes
i won’t lie to you, @Lycoris. Every time i saw Faux King, my head keeps on reading it to me as “Flux King” when i suppose read it as like “Foe('s) King”.
Edit: the reason why is because i researched on the pronunciation of “faux” and i learned that is homonymous to “foe (enemy)”.
i really want to correct myself because of my insistent mental mispronunciation(?) but i guess the “foe’s king” could only work if i’m on the white team or if i’m aligned to the white team.
2 Likes
“Fake King” 
1 Like
Doesn’t this only happens in an early part of the game? I can see where you’re coming from (especially if you’re playing over and over again for testing and other purposes), but I thought it’s a rather effective way to segue to a flashback.
Edit: Now I remember why it’s so familiar. The Sea Eternal had used a similar method to let us know about the origins of the merpeople and how they deal with it in-universe. It gave me the creeps and it’s awesome.
3 Likes
hmm well, it happens a lot, so even tought is like you say…a effective way for flashbacks… it doenst help that is a bit frustating 
I’m sold 
(20 characters)
Hello guys 
I have several things to tell you about the game, before I start with the heavy editing and everything.
I’m not sure of which style I want to keep for this one; would you rather I keep the flower-y and pretty (making the imagery vivid, and working a bit more on the descriptions), or should I use a more upbeat, flippant tone for it? The former would be serious and “refined” (helping with the narrative and the mystery, the flair and all), whereas the latter would be more cheeky and whimsical, in-tune/matching with the theme (the game, the murderade), and characters (The Faux King, Darla and Isolde, Sione and Masina, etc.). So, what do you think I should go for? 
Also, if I ever use a weird word or one that’s very unusual or hard to understand (like “finespun”), please tell me, since I’m not a native English speaker and sometimes I can’t tell if I’m using average day-to-day vocabulary or being too formal, etc.
@Wan, @AbbyMcGonagall, yeah, I totally can add said feature; it’s just that the current link is in choiceofbox, and the system there can’t support the save funciton properly (it makes it go wonky). When I update the game (with the editing done and more content), I’ll upload it in dashingdon, where it works 
@Abe oh, your request isn’t weird at all! What’s more, I was going to talk about the ROs, but since you asked, I’ll also tell you a bit about some of the NPCs (since I don’t have all 31 characters + MC done yet 
)
List of Characters
White team first, like in real chess.
WHITE TEAM
Quinn (The White Queen): he has hooded eyes and thick eyebrows, and a square and clean shaven jaw. Quinn is in his mid twenties, and although sometimes he acts like an old man (he has a bit of the “I’m too old for this shit” attitude), he’s not exactly unfriendly in general. He’s quiet, but not shy; on the contrary, he’s blunt and honest, quite open with his feelings. He’s one of the ROs that’s available regardless of the MC’s team and gender.
Quinn’s quote: “You’re honest; I like that in a person. Most people either don’t say anything and avoid me, or they lie. I hate it when they do that.”
Darla (Lady, a Knight in case the MC isn’t assigned as one; then she would be a pawn): she’s petite and looks quite young (more than she actually is), about 20, with curly blonde hair and blue eyes. She likes to dress with cheerful and colorful prints, and her style is definitely what would be considered “girlish” (feminine and childish). She’s jolly and high-spirited, and likes to make friends, although sometimes she acts too amiably, managing to overwhelm people.
Darla’s quote: “I like you! You’re cool, MC.”
Isolde (Bishop, I still have to name her, though): her age is not clear, but the set of her cheekbones and the line of her shoulders give her a mature air that doesn’t match the liveliness of her girlfriend, Darla. She’s reserved, almost shy on some things (and much to her chagrin, Darla is just too outgoing), but tries her best to be sociable. More often than not, Isolde also acts as the adult in their relationship, keeping Darla in check when she misbehaves.
Isolde’s quote: “Please excuse my girlfriend; sometimes I think she was raised in a barn. Sit, sit, we don’t bite.”
Kerr (Corvus, a Rook): pale and hollow cheeked, with light brown hair styled in a layered cut that ends above their shoulders. Kerr is Swedish and has a really strong accent, and uses the pronouns they/their/them since they identify as androgyne. Their personality may seem acriminous and sharp, with a biting edge to some people, but they are just forthright, with little interest in nonsense or small talk. Kerr named themselves “Corvus” after the bird also knows as “Rook” (Corvus frugilegus).
Kerr’s quote: “At least someone is already having fun.”
Sione (Saint, a Bishop in case the MC isn’t assigned as one; then he would be a pawn): the older twin, serious in nature and currently in a bad mood, although he’s not really one for scowls. Sione seems aloof and formal, unapproachable by how he treats Masina, but it’s just his sourness speaking; it will eventually get better. Of Samoan descent, Sione is tall and has broad shoulders, and lacks distinctive marks.
Sione’s quote: “At least you’re here out of your own volition; my twin and older brother dragged me here.”
Masina (“Bas”, a Rook, in case the MC isn’t assigned as one; then he would be a pawn): the younger one, outgoing and friendly, and unlike Sione, openly shows affection for his twin. Lively and quick to smile, he likes being on good terms with everyone and taking things easy. Masina is twenty four and evidently shares great resemblance with Sione, the only noticeably difference is a clover tattoo he has below the left ear.
Masina’s quote: “You say it as if it was unusual for humans to spawn more than two kids.”
Behiye (Knight, I still have to name her, though): a tall and gangly girl in her late teens of Turkish descent who doesn’t share any family resemblance with her father, Bajram. She’s a sweet natured lass who worries greatly for him (since he struggles with the language), but unlike him, her grasp of English is strong. She has a terrible memory and has a hard time pinpointing names and faces.
Behiye’s quote: “"My dad got the invitation from his job; I wanted him to bring my mom instead of me 'cause they never do anything nice together anymore, but she didn’t want to come, so here I am.”
Bajram (pawn): a man in his late forties, early fifties, of short stature and with a pot belly. He is Behiye’s father, but unlike his daughter, he barely speaks English. He received an invitation for the Murderade from his job, and initially was going to come with his wife, but she didn’t want to come with him. Bajram is not very aware of what’s going on with the game, but he’s in for a good time and enjoy the experience.
Bajram’s quote: “…”
BLACK TEAM
Hawea (The Faux King): he’s built like a bear, both in height and width, he has beady eyes and a crooked nose, but a kind face nonetheless. Despite how big he is, Hawea is not intimidating at all, quite the contrary; he’s welcoming and warm-hearted, as neighbourly as they come. He’s Sione and Masina’s older brother, and wanted to be on the same teams as them, but forgot to tick the same box as them. He’s definitely in for some fun, playing the absurdity of the situation up.
Hawea’s quote: “You’re just like Masina, easily excitable.”
Dayo (Dame, a Knight): she’s already quite tall, yet she likes to wear killer pumps, and slim with a bounce to her step that suits her mischievous features, thirst for life and adventure. Her hair is black and curly, and she has a set of startling blue eyes. Dayo is a bit on the nervous side, jittery, and gets exitable rather easily. When she’s on edge she tends to babble and is jumpy, but that’s part of her charm. She’s one of the ROs that’s available regardless of the MC’s gender and team.
Dayo’s quote: “I’m so nervous I feel like I’m going to faint.”
Holly (Mother, a Bishop): she’s about the MC’s age, in her early twenties. Her hair is dyed a forest green shade and she has narrow eyes and a pointy nose that give her a stern, almost mean, look. The way she helds herself is upstanding, steady, unwavering. Holly likes going straight to the point in a business-like manner, but gets easily bored, making her a tad impatient when dealing with people.
Holly’s quote: “If this gets too boring, I hope you entertain me.”
Elaine (Rook, I still have to name her, though): she and Evander look quite alike, with milky skin that’s heavily freckled and ginger hair cur around their ears, although Elaine is an inch or two taller than him. She’s not very happy to be in the same team as Evander, and doesn’t have any problem to show it. Despite her hostile behavior, she’s somewhat nicer to non binary players, civil even. Elaine is clearly antagonistic towards her cousin.
Elaine’s quote: “I didn’t ask for your opinion. MC didn’t, either. No one wants to hear what you think.”
Evander (Knave, a Knight in case the MC isn’t assigned as one; then he would be a pawn): Elaine’s cousin, and the object of her scorn; he’s not much better, either, as he often snaps back with his own remarks. Evander shows a liking to clothes that are considered traditionally feminine, and isn’t ashamed of it.
Evander’s quote: “Ignore my cousin; she doesn’t know how to talk to people.”
J (they are meant to be either the King of the White team or the Queen of the Black team): depending on the player’s choices, can be either Jasalin (female), Jaroslav (male) or Jaye (neutrois); they are three different person’s, with their own personality and looks. J is probably the only player-sexual RO of the game, unlike the rest of ROs, they don’t have a set sexuality. They manifest an obvious interest in the MC.
J’s quote: “A pawn is not a weak piece at all, they have a lot of potential. It’s just that you have to know how to use it to the fullest.”
I obviously have a ton of NPCs left to mention/write/flesh out (though all of them could do with a bit more of work), but for now I’ve just listed the ones that are (mostly) done
My, I’ll admit this made me laugh The idea was that Hawea (The King) was going to exaggerate the whole “manly male” thing (to the point of using ill-fitting shoulder pads and paint a beard and moustache over his mask), yet name himself fake. Duno, I thought it was funny back then. But “Foe’s King” also makes a lot of sense! Specially if you’re on the white team… wait, even if you’re on the same team! 
Since you know, sometimes in chess you have to sacrifice your own pieces in order to win, and Hawea is the King, the game ends if he’s offed, but he doesn’t need the others to win 
).
@anon4518890 what can I say, I like doing that when I write in CS; it’s part of my (writing) style with these games. I’ll check it and see what I can do, but it’s unlikely that I change it (since I don’t like them with walls of text and I don’t do it very often).
@Bjorked thank you very much for your help 
13 Likes
The characters do seem more important for the narrative. If the switch to the flippant tone suits them better, I’m all for it.
Though I don’t mind if the vivid imagery is kept to describe the setting (kinda like in the first part of prologue before we’re introduced to Hawea?) if there’s a way to make the juxtaposition of the two work.
1 Like
Aww, Hawea isn’t an RO?
He’s not my fav character, but the Black King Black Queen dynamic tho, it’ll be epic. He seems competitive 
he’d be a great partner in murdering. But Quinn is adorbs, and I’m also all up to be the white king.
I quite like your current way of writing. It’s dramatic, and to me it fits the theme. Dark and morbid. Or you could also go have fun with the writing, since I’m sure it’s gonna turn up good anyway
7 Likes
Hey there! So this sounds really interesting. I think I’ll give this demo a try sometime soon, and I’ll let you know what I think then.
I’m an aspiring chess Master and I plan on eventually writing a HG called Journey of the Chess Master, so it’s cool to see a story loosely based on the game.
3 Likes
Hawea would be a nice RO, I have to agree. Btw, I had to laugh at the last sentence. Murdering people/chess pieces together. #couple goals, obviously.
As for the writing style, I’d be interested in the flippant, characterizing version! I’ve read plenty of games with beautiful, vivid imagery, but sometimes I also just want to get my blood pumping with a bit of wit between words. This seems like a good game to use that on, especially if it’s character-focused (which I’d prefer). That’s my view on it.
4 Likes
The game is intriguing as fuck, I must say. I really liked Dayo’s character (is she an RO?), and thought the setup was great. The selection of masks was interesting, too. Overall, a very fine game so far. Only one question, though.
So, this isn’t an actual Murderade? The King wasn’t legitimately killed? Or is this more twisted than originally believed, and the whole “don’t actually kill anyone” rule is a lie? Or did someone intentionally use this event to kill The King, for whatever reason? If so, will we get to kill them? Because that is the plotting style of a truly evil person.
Other than that, I absolutely loved it, and would be glad to see a finished product. Thing is, I’m normally a sucker for action-heavy games, so, hopefully, this game will stay intriguing in order for me to see it completely through.
2 Likes
Okay then, I think I can manage the flighty style and part of the original? Or at least try to; I could still make the descriptions like before, but with another tone (pretty much kicking the narrator to live, instead of this onmipresent entity that knows everything but is cold and detached), make them feel less… formal but keep the details alive, if I explain myself? I’ll do it for the next update and you guys can tell me if I’m going down the right path or just making things sloppy/a mess
@AbbyMcGonagall, @none, I’m still working on the ROs (the game currently has only 3; Dayo, Quinn and J), but if I see that Hawea keeps being popular in future updates, I’ll also make him a RO. I don’t know how, but I’m definitely going to put #couplegoals in-game
@Samuel_H_Young hi! My, please be nice to me with this one; I’ll make you cry (or cringe a lot) since I’m not joking when I say “loosely based”, don’t be too harsh 
@Voldy aaaw, thank you! 
Yep, Dayo is a RO, and regarding your question… that would be a huge spoiler (and it wasn’t The King who got “killed”; we only know it was a he) The game has just started, but in two weeks a lot can happen (even more so if there’s a lot of competitivity going on, you know) and you never really know who you end up with I’m aware that in the current build the MC is kind of a doormat (very passive), so I have to work on that, but you can expect more mysteries and machinations in the future
Okay, I need to work a lot on the stats (I have been told they weren’t clear enough), so I changed them to:
Playful vs. Deadpan: is your MC humorous or serious? In the past I used “Genuine” as another word for stoic, but it wasn’t very… successful, to say something I didn’t want to mean honest (as in, telling no lies), but frank in the sense that they were straightforward, plain-spoken (versus “Playful”, which was for jokes and quips and banter).
Mellow vs. Sardonic: sweet vs. spice, pretty much. Sarcasm is not compatible with “nice”, the definition itself says that it’s a biting brand of humor.(1. Harsh or bitter derision or irony. 2. A sharply ironical taunt; sneering or cutting remark.), and to some a sardonic MC may be considered even rude, but I’m not going to really discuss the nuances
Undisguised vs. Veiled: is the MC overt and straightforward or subtle and delicate? This is related by how they act, if they think things thoroughly before doing them or not.
Are they clear enough or should I change something?
14 Likes
@Lycoris I think those are clear enough. You’re welcome, by the way.
I guess another question I had is, (this is going to make be sound like the Joker), will we be participating in the murder part of this intrigue-fest, ourselves? I’m just trying to gauge the direction you’re going with. I probably might be thinking too hard about it, but that simply shows how enthralling your demo was. At least, for me.
1 Like
I’m curious, is “J” the person who tapped on our shoulder and said good night?
As for the stat changes, they seem better. A lot more clearer than the first, in my opinion. Love the veiled stat, it works well with the masquerade.
1 Like
Why, yes, of course; where’s the point of writing a mystery murder game and not let the player have fun as well? Dependign on which role you have (King, Queen, Rook, etc.) you’ll have to follow a different set of rules/conditions, and you will also have specific victims
Yep, that’s J; somewhere in the beginning, there’s a choice that will set if J is male (Jaroslav), female (Jasalin) or neutrois (Jaye); all three of them have different looks and personalities, so they aren’t the same RO with their pronouns switched.
1 Like
Well, as a Knight, I’d say I’m more than fit for that. Thank you for answering all my inquires!
1 Like