(WIP) Wilhelmina (In Revision)

@fidere
The whole book is going to have 5 chapters total? And you’re uploading them all here?
If that’s the case then you may want to hold off on that. If you allow people to play the entire game before it’s even out, some may decide they don’t need to buy it anymore. This is why most demos around here only showcase up to a portion of the actual game. :stuck_out_tongue:

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:face_with_hand_over_mouth: I understand what you mean, but it’s actually not the case! Don’t worry. Thank you, though, for the tip :smiley: I really appreciate the worry :hugs:
I realized that many like you think that ‘book’ is equivalent to ‘game’ like it is with some other WIPs on here. I tried to explain the confusion in the FAQ in the first post of this topic, which I just added earlier. But what I mean with “book” is actually an “act” (like those of a play if you will). Mina will be one big game. No series. Just the one game, thus, “Book One” is just Act One of a total of five. I hope this cleared the confusion.

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Ooooh I love the beach scene! Nice work :heart:

Also, I understand what you mean by not putting the whole thing out in your WIP - but we were able to play all of SORDWIN before it was published and I still bought it the day it came out…and I beta tested the crap out of Wayhaven Book 2 and I am counting down the days until I can buy it and play it another 50 times :smiley: so I dont think it is totally discouraging to put a lot of the book into a wip. Just my opinion though…I tend to fangirl over these stories and MUST. OWN. THEM. hahaha :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:

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Ahhh, the beach scene! I was so excited when you finally updated and I was not disappointed! I cannot wait for the full release. :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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I know there was an issue before with Lucy not having max relationship even if you select all the good options with her, and that it was fixed. But I think there is still a bit of an issue in one scene?

So I selected: think about the last time I had seen Lucy, and that I was happy. the locket has a picture of the two of us. I return the hug, craving the contact. "I missed you”. I don’t think much of the dog. I don’t want to help because I love her, so I will try to foil the plan. Me and Jonathan are okay, and I love my pupils. I take her arm as we go inside.

And yet, I don’t get the scene with Lucy at night? I end up having to go outside. I think it is messing up because I select that Jonathan and I are okay. Even though, to me, this seems like a neutral answer?

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It should be fixed now :thinking: I changed a bit and tried to reduplicate your decisions and I got to the scene with Lucy :relaxed: Thank you for letting me know!

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Great beach scene!

Andrei chuckles, brushing his blonde hair back. “So you’re trying to beat me with my own weapons? How delightful.”

blond

“I’m… well, how to explain. I’m what you would call the odd-job man.” The American grins at Arthus, revealing his teeth.

Arthur

“I mean, that I am too hate every day of my life. It is dull, it is boring, it is everything I never wanted. I miss living here - in Whitby. I miss you, Lucy. Every day.” Tears fill your eyes, but you refuse to let them fall. You look up at the ceiling, blinking to force the tears away.

I too hate

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Demo Update (07/03)

Hello everyone! Not a really exciting update, but I added a few things to the demo content that already existed.

  • added the option to choose Dracula’s gender
  • changed the scene where you meet Dracula for the first time
  • added a few achievements for fun
  • added a new hobby for Mina
  • changed a few of Mina’s character stats
  • tried to fix some grammatical and spelling errors
  • hopefully fixed a scene skip in the labyrinth sequence
  • added and changed a few sentences here and there
  • hopefully fixed that the question at the beach don’t get repeated

These should be the most important things I did. Let me know if there are still mistakes and things that don’t make sense (plot-wise, code-wise, etc.) :blush:

Have fun and cheers! :blue_heart:

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I just wanted to point out a few minor grammatical errors.
Benevolently instead of ‘smiling benevolent’.
Imagining things instead of ‘imagine things’.
You would have hit the ground if your companion didn’t catch in his strong arms instead of ‘to catch you in his strong arms’. I’m loving the game by the way, so please keep up the great work!

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One other thing, perhaps it might be better to stick to using Miss as opposed to Ms. As our setting is the late 19th Century it does make it a tad more authentic. And also, since you’re using Miss this and that most of the time it’s also more consistent. Just a thought.

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Now nothing is stopping me from getting with Dracula >:)

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Could you perhaps add an option to randomize Dracula’s gender? I don’t really have a preference and wouldn’t mind being surprised. :slight_smile:

I’ve found some mistakes; please do note I’m not a native speaker either, so the suggested corrections may not be 100% accurate. That said, I only chose to point out things I felt reasonably certain about. Hope it helps!

Last but not least, I’m really enjoying the interactions with Lucy so far. The tickling scene was just precious. :slight_smile:

… you are able to see the church tower of Whitby… as well as a gigantic grey dog. Just sitting there by the gate, licking his snout as he watches you.
You quickly glance over to Lucy and open your mouth to ask her if they own a dog now, but when you look back to where the animal was sitting only a second ago, he’s gone.
As if he never had been there in the first place. - unless the dog is clearly male, a more proper pronoun would be ‘it’ (especially so should the dog be Dracula, as players can now choose Dracula to be female)

“I asked her and my mother swore, she hasn’t told anyone - least of all me - that ‘I’ was looking for a husband, yet the three of them asked for my hand.“ - hadn’t

“Don’t think I didn’t notice your ring," - haven’t noticed

“He seems happy.” I smile rather pitiful. - pitifully

“I’m part-time working as an actress.” - working part-time

“Any other talent you hide from me?” - have been hiding

Besides a few more grey hair and wrinkles, she looks exactly the same than when you had last seen her: outrageously expensive clothes, no lose button,… - as, last saw, lost? loose? buttons

… her hands on your shoulders, looking somewhat proud at you. - proudly at / proud of

And you inherited your mother’s hair…
curly / kinky / straight / wavy - better would be ‘your mother’s: curly hair / kinky hair / etc.’

The dog from earlier - he’s again looking at you. He is sitting… I sit down on one of the marble benches, ignoring him. Maybe I can pet him.

As you let your gaze wander, you remembering little things… - start remembering? remember?

… where the dog sat. But you have to witness once again that he is gone…

… no one has ever seen one roaming the property that fits your description. - seen one that fits your description roaming the property (the original phrasing suggests it’s the property that fits Wilhelmina’s description)

again the dog-related stuff: You notice his red and incredibly intelligent eyes.
You feel and smell his foul breath. He then opens his mouth, his blood-red tongue licking his

She looks a bit forlorn, looking down to the ground biting her bottom lip, and you decide to release her. - spare her the awkwardness? put her at ease? I’m sure there’s gotta be a simple, elegant word for it out there, but can’t recall it, sorry.^^ ‘release’ doesn’t sound right though

… The lamp behind her gives some kind of an orange-gold halo,… - gives her some

Her breathing was going quicker and could hear her swallow. - is/starts, and you can

Did she really think you would have gotten rid of it? - get

If you’d move your head a bit forward you could… - you moved

The last thing you saw is Lucy’s smile before you fall into a peaceful sleep, this time without any nightmares. - The last thing you see before you fall into a peaceful sleep, this time without any nightmares, is Lucy’s smile.

Edit: Okay, I caught up to the rest and have some more stuff to comment on:

You cannot and should not say ‘no’. You knew it would come one day or another. Everyone else knew this would come, and everyone else expects you to say ‘yes’. It is what society expects from you.
And thus, you agreed. - this kind of makes me feel as if Wilhelmina agreed to the proposal out of obligation and not her own feelings, which however doesn’t necessarily have to be true depending on the player’s wishes. maybe a more neutral phrasing would be in place?

The speaker is a rather goodlooking woman… - good-looking

“Pardon?” You ask, even though you saw his lips not moving. - her (female Dracula)

“Are you sure, Miss?” Worry resonates with her voice. - in

And as soon as he’s gone, your vertigo is gone too. - she’s

The one whose blood he hungers for. - she

The scene from female Dracula’s point of view was a teensy bit confusing as it was full of shes and hers and sometimes it wasn’t clear whether the pronouns refered to Mina or to Dracula. I mean, it wasn’t impossible to figure out, but it wasn’t a smooth read, either.

Once again thanks to a nightmare. - because of (‘thanks’ suggests a good thing)

You will probably be on your feet for quite some time if you want to or not. - whether/no matter if you’ll

You leave your room and walk down the big staircase and from where you go… - without the ‘and’

“Yes, there has been a change of plan.” - plans

“Oh, no worries, Dr. Seward,” Mrs. Westenra answers, “no harm was done.” - has been

All the while remaining his bright and friendly smile. - retaining

“I grew up here in Whitby, yet I never heard about your family.” - I’ve never heard

*“I am sorry to interrupt, but you, Mr. Holmwood, as well as Dr. Seward, must want to refresh before…” - refresh yourselves

And now you’re standing all by yourself at the platform, waiting for the last train of today to arrive, as promised, while Lucy, Arthur, and John were enjoying themselves with a glass of brandy. - are

A forgotten newspaper skimmed over the ground, moved by the cold wind. - skims

Surrounded by all kinds of exotic plants, John, Arthur, and Lucy sit in a circle, the bottle of good brandy on the small coffee table in the middle of them,… - (in) between

“I do whatever you pay me for - if the prize is decent,” Quincey refills his glass. - pay?

You give Lucy a pointed look before you roll your eyes, listing with half an ear to what is happening on the first floor, while Lucy snickers. - listening

“They would not stand a chance against us.” She adds quicklyto which you reply with a chuckle. - quickly to

To caught up to find words. - Too

You sigh and make your way to your own bedroom, barefooted and suddenly very, very tired. - barefoot

Once again, Lucy’s simply loveable. Thanks for not making Will lose rapport with her after friend-zoning her. (Though no thanks for evicting us from her room, who’s gonna protect her now?) :)) Also looking forward to more scenes with Jonathan (I hope there will be some, I’m kinda worried for him right now).

Btw, do I get it right that if I had chosen an occultist hobby for Wilhelmina, she would then have been able to resist Dracula’s manipulations to some extent?

Thank you for sharing this with us!

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Thank you @HerrEulenspiegel @ElliWoelfin and @pometlo !!! :blue_heart: :blue_heart: I’m glad you enjoyed it.

I fixed the grammatical errors you suggested, thank you again so much! :relaxed:

Yup! :grin:

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Can you become a vampire in this game?

Yup :wink:

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Oh no. I was so happy with Lucy but now I’m tempted by Ana :dizzy_face:

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I enjoyed the new changes to this WIP! Especially the ones to Dracula’s first encounter as well as the new changes in the second with the newly added skills. Makes it feel more diverse depending which skills you picked while the new dialogue options gives you different ways to play Mina rather than simply kind/cold/romantic.

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I’m always surprised by how beautiful Mina and Lucy’s interactions are. The romance and friend paths both are soooo cute makes me never want to leave her side! :hugs:

seems like there’s something seriously wrong around the town and in Westenra Estate judging from the encounter in maze with Lucy and how Dracul insists on escorting us back and its probably related to Lucy being/getting sick along with the nightmares :thinking:


little mistake I encountered

I mean, that I am too hate every day of my life. It is dull, it is boring, it is everything I never wanted. I miss living here - in Whitby. I miss you, Lucy. Every day.

I too hate everyday of my life

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Whoops, chapter five was written faster than I expected.:grimacing: But that doesn’t have to be a bad thing!
Anyways, things are getting chaotic and Mina has to make an important decision.

With chapter 5 the open demo is done. Any further content update will be in closed alpha only. For which I will have to look for beta readers soon :purple_heart:

The chapter is ~5.3k words long, for those who want to know.

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Hello!

I just drop to say how much i enjoyed your game.

  1. One of the few female gender-locked games. Just for that I applaud you.

  2. I probably am one of those few who was never exposed to the original Dracula story and frankly was curious about your premise. More used with Movies/Anime’s Dracula and yours is a very surprising take to someone like me. …More grounded.

  3. I love how comfortable and easy is your story is for me to read. It flows, never too long for any pages, and there will be choices to keep the user feel somewhat alerted and feel like they are affecting the direction of the story, which to honest is very true. (Helping Lucy vs not Helping her makes such a big difference in the experience. )

I enjoyed your game so much more than watching Netflix’s Dracula last episode.

Thank you so much for this demo. :grin:

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