And now?
Update: the ending in the no Ilverton marriage routes changed drastically to a more emotionally satisfying one (hopefully). It has to be noted here that the kind of āspiritual unionā Edward/Edwina offers there in the case of non-straight romance really did exist in the medieval Mediterranean.
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I am also thinking about changing the late-game conversation about the MCās dark secret so that the form, if not the core content, would be variable-dependent on whether there is a romance on or not. What do you guys think about this idea?
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I like that idea and itāll have a greater impact to readers I think. It will definitely give the feel that player choice matters. I support it if itās not a major undertaking at this point.
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Then Iāll do it, I think. How did you like the new endings, by the way?
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In a no Ilverton marriage, non-straight, male romance I ran into this error. chapter9 line 551: Non-existent variable āmaleā
Fixed!
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Itās definitely a more uplifting ending, which I do like. Especially how they seems happiest to just let go of all there obligations to find love with our MC. I personally though didnāt mind the Ilverton marriage route cause they prospered and still had you. But more options are never a bad thing.
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I definitely found the new ending more enjoyable and that article was super interesting too.
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It should be āmy wifeā not a husband in this case. And should be āhe murmursā, itās Edward.
My MC is female and I chose Edward to be male and my lover.
Aside the typo, I love the story! Iām loving the happier ending for sure, the endings before you fixed them were sad. feel like there was no point for trying.
Thank you! Fixed it.
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I failed at getting the engagement (can someone help me with that lol) and when youāre banished, this error comes up!
āChapter 9 line 1040: invalid expression at character 18, expected CLOSE PARENTHESES, was: NAMED_OPERATOR [and]ā
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Fixed it (ā¦I hope).
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I am glad you guys enjoyed the new ending!
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Minor update: the scene of saying goodbye to Arthur in chapter 6 is expanded in the case of high relationship stat (again, to show more feeling).
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The MC in some play through is like :
So itās been some time since I read this one and wow you did such a good job. It was a decent read before but with the extra scenes it gained a lot of quality
Also as a sucker for romance I really appreciate that you went out of your way and let the mc build a relationship. The snippets really helped set the environment and therefore let us understand the people and their characters in this world.
I am so intrigued by the backstory and the little snippets of J made the relationship the mc had with them before so relatable. Julian (in my play through) seemed to be such a nice person I really felt for the mc.
I recognize, that you learned a lot and think your writing did improve.
[spoiler] one scene where that becomes very apparent is the trainings scene it was such a good scene!
It was dynamic and you really got to know Athur beneath the Lord role he takes with such a stoic approach.
Also you fight sceneš no twirling and that was really appreciated. A lot of authors tent to not research melee fighting with medieval weapons and only look towards Hollywood for inspiration so a good fight scene is always appreciated [/spoiler]
Also : Do you plan on writing other stories in this world? I think you have real good potential there because even if we donāt get to know the world in itās details it really seems as though you have a good universe setting there
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Thank you very much for your review! Yes, I am indeed outlining a game set in the same worldās version of Byzantium (the place is mentioned in Fulkās letter in the end).
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Nice, I look forward to that 
Low level feedback
Some pronoun errors. I was playing as a female the whole time.
You hear the steps of two men getting to their feet behind you, and the metallic sound of two swords being drawn. Fulk hears them, too, and pulls you to your feet, scrapping the skin of your throat.
āYou thereā, he calls, pulling your hair and baring your throat, āone stop, and he diesā.
[ā¦]
āYouāre reasonableā, Fulk says, taking a step back. āDonāt move. Iām not going to hurt himā.
[ā¦]
āYouāre going to let me leaveā, Fulk of Stoneās Haven states, close to the door now, āand Iām going to let him live. Itās a fair deal, isnāt it?ā
āIāve certainly heard about your brotherā, Lord Ilverton grins. āIāve also heard about your rift. I admire a young manās attempt at bluffing, but it looks as if you are going to be in no position to provide us with connections to him anytime soonā.
A lot of wonky punctuation. Here are some that I took care to lift, but there are several scenes are littered by them.
āMaster Morkar ā, he says to the unseen newcomer. āI didnāt know you were going to stay up so late tonight ā.
You turn , and sees a man who has clearly seen more than seventy winters.
Iāve also bolded the grammar error in this one.
A line break error.
You are going to have to go behind not simply the worldās back, but that of your own employer
and lover
in order to convince him to do as you want him to.
High level feedback
To me, the story lacked a lot of feeling. I was playing as a character that loved Edward, but ultimately decided to leave him in the end for his own happiness in marrying the Ilverton daughter.
Yet, when my MC suggested trying to talk to Lord Ilverton about this deal, she seemed completely stoic and unaffected about this. If I were in this situation, I definitely wouldāve been a bit more hesitant, or at least showed a shred of emotion for having to resort to this decision for the happiness of my beloved.
Same for my brother and Julian, too. Felt like they were just tossed in there to advance the story. Maybe a flashback of a memory, or a scene where the MC reminisces a memorabilia given to them would be able to help with this.
Something that confused me
After exploring the Finthorp estate and confronting Master Morkar, he says this:
āThe axeā¦ā Master Morkar sighs. āYour memory must be playing tricks with you, Rodrik. You have seen Elwinās execution when you were but a child, didnāt you?
Iām pretty sure that the MC was talking to Master Morkar in the paragraph before, then the next paragraph starts with this. I got confused because he said the name Rodrik, when I was playing as an MC named Deirdre, thinking that he had incorrectly referred to me.
Then it came to me that he was probably referring to himself. I think giving him an action that indicates that heās talking to himself (looking/turning away from the MC, closing their eyes while sighing) would be better for clarifying that.
Unless heās not talking about himself? Do let me know if Iām wrong.
All in all, I quite enjoyed the story. Itās just as Iāve said in the high level feedback - the lack of emotions feels detaching to me. Maybe itās just my cup of tea, though.
You have a talent for writing descriptively, especially with surroundings. I hope you donāt mind if I steal that line about Edwardās face being painted with warm hues; it did a great job of immersing me into the story.
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Thank you for the detailed feedback! I am working on rewriting/expanding the lategame scenes right now.
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