Thanks, A google was giving me confusing answers.
I don’t want to put this under a cut because this forum always butchers my italics. Did you see what happened to my shrug emoji? Madness.
HERE LIES SPOILERS, READERS
okay I think I see what happened. if you’re asking in that order, the first “her” should be “hers”, and “the other her” doesn’t make sense because it should be a slightly different word. This also means the example Livvy uses “Like in ‘Her ice-cream is melting.’” doesn’t work for the first one, but would for the last “her”.
Though this doesn’t get to the question of whether changing the order around makes things too confusing. I would ask nb testers.
I’m sure by that point I’d think I was a genius
ah yes the three emotions: fear, anger, horny
i bet our sidesteps are uncannily similar
might I also suggest otherworldly options that aren’t so explosively emotional?
I guess it has to look professional or whatever
you know, not everyone appreciates that, I’ve found. I get in trouble a lot.
In cities you’ll have more than one, but St George is a small town surrounded by woods on one side and nothing? on the others, and in those areas it’s usually one public school for everyone and then one or two private schools (either catholic or just so the rich kids don’t have to go to the underfunded overcrowded public school). the American school system is a nightmare in many ways.
I don’t actually think it’s confusing as it is, it was just the wrong tense. “Yeah, I was.” works great. But if you wanted to change it, you’d probably need to restructure Roach’s question from “Were you taking notes, Jonny?” to “Are you taking notes, Jonny” and then Jonny’s response could be “Yeah, so far I am.” But tbh, the first way works just as well.
Oh. Hmmm. the way it’s written right now, they are talking while Roach is dropping the bag and burying it. If this conversation is supposed to take place before they do this, I think you’ll need to rewrite it.
All the more reason for Roach to do it, I say! I want to see Horizon get angry.
well, you do say “Sometimes I still do.” after this.
oh is Luna Ridge not within the boundary of St George? I’m not sure if that was ever made clear.
Well we can’t have that. Guess they have to die now.
Especially is Specially’s more dramatic spanish cousin. Always one upping them. They can’t even eat dinner together without getting into an arm wresting match over the chicken.
we are aware. we do hate ourselves.
I heartily laughed at this
tupper is not a word used in the US. if you are referring to individual pieces of a tupperware set it would just be “container”, but you do need to call them tupperware at least once so we know they are plastic. I apologize on english’s behalf again.
Oh as in slang? Hmmm I’m trying to think about how you make it clear it’s supposed to be butchered and not just a typo. I’d say either have Livvy comment in her thoughts about how Ara uses slang OR you could change it to “Who dis?” to be exaggerated, but boy, do I want to shoot her then.
totally fair, just pointing it out to make sure it was intentional and not accidental.
I think, at least for me, how it is now is a bit like whiplash where every new line takes a second to figure out where we are. The italics would be so we had a visual clue to guide our brains to know what’s happening. I like the idea behind this, Livvy in a quiet moment at the same time as Ara is speaking. I think if you aren’t going to add context for each time you switch, for example turning
“Uh. Uh-huh. Hey Leo, I’m kinda in the middle of something, you know?”
into something like: She heard Ara sigh, “Uh. Uh-huh. Hey Leo, I’m kinda in the middle of something, you know?”
then italics would sort of do that job for you.
here’s the key. could you get lost in it and die before ever finding your way out?
Woods: no. Forest: hell yes.
maybe add that the action looks something like disbelief?
As a character quirk that’s great, but I think it’s confusing to the reader what’s happening. I think removing the question mark at the end of “what” helps, but it also might be good to add that they cut themself off at the end there.
it has been known to happen
However if I ask the player to input the “hers” equivalent they would write “theirs” instead of “their” so in text it woud read: “This is my sibling, theirs name is Blahblah.” See what I’m talking about?
No, what I’ll do is changing the part where I wrote “the other her” to another example such as “her ice-cream is melting”. Something like “What should I say instead of look at her?” I’ll think about something.
You speaking russian to me is doing things to my person. Stop it.
Also known as the holy trinity.
Two pieces of shit that can’t feel and never cry? Probably.
I’ll see what I can do, but Newman is a petulant little shit.
I see, artistic license it is then
Mine or the one you proposed?
Think the Hollywood hills vs. the city you can see from over there. Would you describe them as being in or out? Huh, I think I sort of answered my own question there. Nevermind.
Good luck with that
Thanks for this.
ngl now I kind of want to write it like that just for that reaction alone
I love this example.
How come when you write in italics under the cut it looks perfect but when I do it it looks like I fell down the stairs while typing?
the equivalent would be “theirs”. He/him/his, She/her/hers, They/them/theirs. But for the sentence above, the correct pronouns for each would be his, her, their. If you said “That ice cream is [his/hers/theirs]” that would work for the other question. I think we’re talking around each other, and there’s some overlap in how different pronouns are used, so I pulled this little card that looked helpful from here:
you are so easy, and I love you for it
alright, I’ll take the hint. I cede to the creator.
ah I was referring to the way it currently is written with the exception of changing it to “Yeah, I was.”
I mean, aren’t the Hollywood Hills in LA?
I went back and looked for you, here’s one of a couple times where you talk about it:
This is pretty heavily implying that Luna Ridge is part of St George. If not, you’d probably have to be clearer.
well, you do like to provoke my anger
That first bit is something I got confused about when I played, and I did end up putting in they/them/their, which obviously sounded weird when it actually was used in the game.
“Sorry to tell you this but your left eye, well, left .”
I feel like this whole left eye business was really just a set up for this pun. Well done. The second this comes out, I’m buying. If it needs a Playtester, I’m volunteering. I will do it all for this pun.
Hey there, guys Here to report that there isn’t a lot to report: I haven’t been able to write (it’s like I’m not in the right headspace for it) so I’ll try to answer some char interactions on tumblr instead. If that’s something you’d be interested in you can go check it out.
Hugs and thanks for the good vibes
Hey guys, here to let you know I’ve been writing CH6 is now 19k words long and I’ve finished one big chunk of the chapter. Newman can choose what to do about certain situation and pick who comes with them. Chats and banter and general weirdness galore… also, the seeds of a polyship? Maybe
Thanks for being there and for being super patient. Hugs!
Super excited for this one. Roach is the best I swear if he breaks Newman’s heart…lol really though keep we appreciate your hard work and Don t stress yourself
I generally just lurk around the forums, but I’m deciding to break that rule because HOLY HECK I never thought I’d find a writer from Argentina around here!
Really love how the story is coming together, thank you for letting me live my dream of being a cosmic horror, and thank you for Roach.
And since I’m not really a writer, the only reassuring thing I can say is that I didn’t even notice english wasn’t your first language, so if that was ever a worry, you’re fine.
Really excited to follow along and see where this goes, saludos!
Welcome to the forums You know what they say, no matter where you go, there’s going to an argentinian there.
It’s a dream a lot of us had, who woulda thunk it
Thanks, my players have helped me a lot; there was some weird stuff in there
hey, always wanted to ask something but…you know…brain go lalalala lol
But whats with that whole roach wearing granny underwear?
Did she steal them from someone from the past, and they don’t make those anymore or something ? Woodstock Undie…
Me: So how does roach look like when she turn into her real form ? Come on, Nudge nudge…does she look like the sexy Queen Alien ? huh? Nudge Nudge make a girl happy huh ?
Pimenita: nope…and eww
Me: b-but…big teeth…
Me: like a cute Pokemon then ? all coloruful and stuff right? You just wanna hug her!
Pimenita: Uh…no. Put on shade
Me: then how does she look ? Tell mehhhhhhhhh!
Pimenita: Spoiler Alert
Tis make me feel better (nursing a nasty cold), give mah love to roach will you
They tend to prioritize comfort over looks most of the time and they haven’t stole (I don’t think they pay for stuff) underwear in a looong time. Also, those look funny and they like funny shit.
What are you talking about, Red? The xeno queen is bae
Get well soon. Oh, Roach knows, believe me.
I didn’t realise I’d enjoy playing as a cosmic horror trapped in human form quite so much but I did. The demo was amazing, the writing is brilliant and I love all the characters (though mostly Roach). One thing though is I stomped on fisherman’s/Big T’s head in the rift, then the MC threw up, not long after reunited with Roach and shared a deep kiss, which was sweet except I kept thinking about how the MC had just been sick Nothing major, just thought I’d point it out
Looking forward to seeing where this goes, it’s very interesting and original and I had so much fun playing it
Well, that’s a mood killer. Hm, Roach doesn’t mind? I feel like I could comment on what Roach finds or doesn’t find gross, but I don’t want to give anyone nightmares
I’m laughing so hard
See, I would assume Roach to be fine with most anything, which means I must know what they find gross, Pime.
Oh man. That was a trip! I loved every moment of it. Great game so far. Although i feel like it could use a bit more horror factor by taking the creepy scenario up a notch. From what I played it felt a bit too light. It was hella enjoyable, but I did not feel like it was too horror. The feeling of being hunted didn’t bleed through much and I believe that you can make it seem creepier.
My favorite part of this entire thing is how organic the characters are like the way they react amongst each other are well suited for the story. It’s fun and light and slightly dramatic. I’m honestly so excited to watch this story unfold. What was I? Who was I? Will I get my body back? Questions that were itching to be asked as I played the initial story. Good luck! I’ll be rooting for you!
PS Roach grew on me. I didn’t particularly liked him the first time I played, but eventually appreciated him. I’m slightly freaking out because I feel like he’s a bad guy irl or maybe it’s just me. lol. Thank you for the amazing demo!
hugs you back!!! you can do it!!!
This WIP is so interesting! I feel so bad for deceiving our mom and sister (who is a total cinnamon roll, btw)
A thing that feels a little weird for me is, for example, let’s say I’ve been choosing all the playful/confident options but at one scene I feel like choosing a shy/sweet option. Well, when that happens the game acts like MC has always been this shy/sweet person, and that’s not the case. I know this is just a little thing and honestly is not even that bad, but the game was like “So MC was never good at flirting” and I was “No?? She was flirting all the time)?”
Anyway, Are you currently writing the beta? How is it going? I hope everything is going smoothly and your beta testers are doing a good job!