[WIP] The Last Riftwarden (dark fantasy game, updated 14 Mar 2024)

(forgot to put the anti spoiler thing)

Typos and others


This sentence just seemed a bit weird to me, maybe you meant “you never quite found it” or “you will never quite find it” (idk how to explain why it seems weird, sry).


Probably just a typo, the duke can’t/ can not/ cannot risk his daughter.

Screenshot_3
I chose Edlyn but she is mentioned as a man here.

-Also i forgot to take a screenshot but when describing the healer:

She is tall and thin with black hair tightly tucked into a knot. You are surprised to learn that she has a bull’s strength- the way she sets your bone is frighteningly efficient(…)

The part where you say that she has the strenght of a bull is a bit disjointed, it doesn’t flow smoothly with the rest of the sentence.
Suggestion:

She is tall and thin with black hair tightly tucked into a knot, but what surprises you the most is the bull’s strength she possesses - the way she sets your bone in place is frighteningly efficient(…)

(Added “in place” to make it clear where she is setting the bone).

Cool stuff you got here, good luck.

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@expectedoperator Thank you for the suggestions. I have changed accordingly, except the fighting the riftspawn and the characterisation portion, because honestly, I did not plan for the MC to fight them so soon and without an army. As for the characterisation, since it is in the middle of a giant fight scene, I feel as if adding some flashback/feeling will disperse the tension. In the current draft I decided to keep them as it is, but when I complete all 7 acts I will slip in more detailed moments of reflection. Perhaps then I have a better grasp of the pace and know what to put down.

Again, thanks for the feedback!

@Killdiras should be all fixed!

8 Likes

This sounds edgy, and I love my edgy.

I’ll probably wait for a few more chapters before dipping my toes, but this one sounds exciting!

Best of luck! Hope you’re having fun with it.

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I do like POVs of others, glad I had the ability to choose what I’d do. Its, scene, was definitely a world shatter experience. Watching myself in 3rd person grinded hard. Other IFs have added, but minor breaks. It’s hard to describe, after making two choices in the maids view, which is what did it.

She is important but really broke me out of caring what happens by second choice. I thought once she met “me,” it switched back. Maybe there is more to her feelings but rather seen her mind change thru my own eyes than hers, honestly.

No save system, so I have to get back thru that again. Maybe I can play to my strengths and not be out shined this time. I did need to redo.

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@VenomB thanks for the encouragement!

@jjc73 sorry, I don’t quite get what you mean. Do you mean you want a more detailed scene of your actions&consequences after the second choice? Or do you mean you’d rather see those consequences in your own POV?

And I will implement the save/load feature once I figure out how to do it.

4 Likes

I havent went back to that point yet. Immersion was broken for me when watching “myself” in 3rd person longer than I expected. While in the maids perspective, I was given choices for MC in situation twice in the maids POV. It caused a disconnect with me and that MC/story.

I will be trying again today and try to stay focused.

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Finished. I do say, good work on writing. I did stay disconnected this time around and not put myself there. Usually not favored, just, liked then. Pronouns are off couples times with Eldwyn.

Interesting enough to see where it goes.

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